To not want to lend baby clothes?

[nervousnelly8]

I have 2 children - DS(2) and DD(3m). Close friend has just had her first baby boy who's 2 weeks old. Friend is very into reusing and buying second hand - has got most stuff for baby from marketplace etc. I bought most of my stuff new (never outrageously expensive but always nice stuff which wears and washed well), with the view to being able to use it for all future children.

Friend has asked to "borrow" DS's baby clothes for her son. She has said it would be wasteful not to be using them since I wouldn't dress DD in them anyway, and she would give them back for any future children.

I said no because:

1. I am using them for DD - I don't subscribe to the view that boys need to be dressed in blue and girls in pink. Most of the stuff is unisex and even the "boy" stuff, I have no issue with DD wearing.

1. I don't feel great about lending baby stuff. If we were done having children, I'd probably pass some stuff on, but we're not sure yet. Particularly with clothes, I think it's hard to ask for stuff back again. My sister is getting married next year and hoping to have children soonish - even if I don't have more, I'd like to give the clothes I have to her.

Friend has now started making passive aggressive comments in our friendship group WhatsApp chat. E.g. "need to go shopping for DS this weekend since nelly is too precious to lend her stuff" always with a winking or tongue out Emoji. I know this is a pathetic problem compared to much of whats happening at the moment, but it's making me feel quite blue!

YABU - you should lend what you don't need since she said she will return it

YANBU - it's your stuff and you can keep hold for future children/sister's children without feeling bad

The items belong to you and your children. She had no right to tell you what to do with them at all! Sounds like a bleddy nightmare tbh. Even if you decide not to have more children it’s really hard to let go of baby clothes. I was done after having my second but still felt emotional about getting rid!

I’ve never been a big lender. I’m happy to give stuff to people if I don’t need it but hate lending as not sure what condition you’d get stuff back in or if you even get it back!

Tell her that Asda sell cheap baby clothes!

Maintain silence on group.

Privately - write her off as an entitled nutcase. Don't lend her anything.

If she asks again, simply say, As I have said before, I prefer not to. Please don't keep asking!

I’d send a picture of DD in some of the ‘boy’ clothes and write something like ‘DD says we’re still using them’

What a bitch doing it on a group chat! Even with a wink emoji, she's letting you know what she thinks and sharing it. It would ruin the friendship for me.

Reply:

You'll just have to go shopping for your child like the rest of us do! 🙄😂

I actually think it's really cheeky of her to ask and then be rude because you said no. You are right to say no. We read so many threads on here about people lending things and not getting them back.

She is obnoxious. She's only showing herself up in the group messages though, not you. Imagine having the cheek to try to publically shame a friend for not giving them he clothes off their baby's back? It's not even about environmental reasons obviously as she's said she's going shopping. So she's not so fond of second hand baby things that she'll actually pay for them, she just likes being given stuff for free. This would really piss me off.

YANBU, and ditch "friend"

’I'm using the clothes for DD'. Done.

This, plus the other fab ,es sage about dd should go naked so your child can have HER clothes! Cheeky bitch. Is she really expecting you to provide all the clothes? So cheeky!

I never realised lending baby clothes was a thing until I read it on MN.

Surely lending implies returning an item back in the same condition that it was given? And after someone else's baby has shat, dribbled and vomited over clothes and they've been washed a million times, I don't see how it's possible.

I would say, sorry, I want to sell the baby clothes as I bought them new and they were expensive. Or tell her you want to make a baby memory quilt out of them or something.

She's a CF.

YANBU at all.
I had lovely clothes for my DS,ExH's friends had a baby a year later and they were struggling so my ex offered ours,I kind of agreed but asked to save them as I may need them for my next baby plus loads of other gear(she asked and I foolishly thought she is a real friend who will look after the stuff I lend them)I had DD 3 years after DS and before she was born I asked for the stuff(I bought a lot of stuff in funky,universal colours.She did not have them anymore,she happily gifted them to her friend,was angry with me as she said she got clothes from someone else etc.She did eventually gave me a small bag of really damaged stuff,stained etc, and cut me off.I was heartbroken as I gave her huge bin bags of nice,new clothes.

Don't lend anything unless you don't care about getting it back. Maybe there are a few things in bad condition, that were unwanted gifts or impractical? And I would just reply honestly to her saying that you are passing the clothes on to someone else instead. Should make the point that she isn't entitled to your stuff

I don't know how you can borrow clothes and say al give them back baby's do stain clothes etc and I have threw out plenty with my 2 kids due to this! Defo wouldn't want stained clothes back! X

That is not the behaviour of a friend. I wouldn't begrudge her asking, but she should have dropped the matter when you said no. And you don't have to justify yourself.

I have a 6mo DD and an older son. I'm using tons of his stuff of her - all of the sleep suits and sleeping bags and under vests which no one sees anyway. And a lot of the other cloths too. I bought a couple of more feminine tops and bottoms which I'm then mixing and matching in with his. I intend to continue to do this, even though some of his older clothes e.g. 18 months onwards are more masculine, he's worn them hard at nursery so she can do the same!

You aren't finished with it so why would you! Some might get ruined and then you can't have them back! I don't think clothes are something you borrow, you either keep them or pass them on and don't expect them back.

Someone I know makes patchwork quilts out of old baby clothes as a permanent memory of the baby days. Tell your (crap) friend that you're going to have that done so you don't want to lend them out or give them away.
She's really rude for asking!!

Urgh no who just claims someone else's things?

I can't imagine ever asking a friend to pass on items she no longer needs. Regardless of the background they belong to her and they are hers to offer. She sounds like a poor friend and I would be distancing myself. The back story about potential 3rd children and your sister are uneccessary. You don't need a reason. They're your belongings.

What you should have done is said you’d given the boy stuff away already and kept only a few choice pieces that are unisex which are worn by your daughter and nothing about being uncomfortable etc but seen as she has started with the passive aggressive comments you need to reply in kind with something like “ I’m sorry I had a daughter that wears the unisex clothes I bought for my first child and that I’m following your good eco example instead of having to go out and buy new clothes myself thereby not keeping eco”

I'm not sure if it's been suggested already but if you have any stained stuff I'd pass it along as oh this is all that's left.

She’s an entitled cow.

And as someone who shops second hand for environmental reasons - she doesn’t care about the planet, she’s just a cheap CF. She was hoping to nick your nice baby clothes.

Yanbu.

You either won't get the clothes back or they'll be ruined. She's didn't get pregnant and give birth the next day, she's had months to prepare. Re the passive aggressive comments of literally reply saying "really flattered you like the baby clothes I bought, but as discussed I'm using them and really don't have anything to give to you you."

As others have said she is being a cheapskate. We're in lockdown. She has fingers and can order and pay for her own clothes online.

Friend, i told you that I wasn’t going to lend you baby clothes because I am still using them for my own child. I’m actually offended that you would post snarky comments online about me being too precious to let you borrow them. I assume you don’t expect me to go and buy new clothes so I can give you the old ones? When my children have finished using the clothes, my family will get first refusal for their children.

Ignore. If it keeps happening, respond with mainly I don't want to see my daughter my daughter going naked, as we are reusing her brothers clothes. Passive aggressive smily face back.....

What you should have done is said you’d given the boy stuff away already and kept only a few choice pieces that are unisex which are worn by your daughter

But why should she have to say she's given anything away @LouiseTrees? She's using all the clothes (she says in the op) anyway. Though to be honest, she shouldn't have to make up excuses not to give some freeloader her child's clothes.

I'd definitely be asking her what she expects her daughter to wear if she gives you her clothes. I'd also tell her that family are getting anything else. I'd have to shut her down, this would piss me off so much, I hate grabby people.