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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to deal with a difficult wedding guest?

276 replies

AliceWonderland88 · 05/03/2021 10:30

Hi Mumnetters,

My Fiance and I are due to get married this year and there is a specific guest that I am worried about. I am not a hateful person in the slightest but I do choose not to have certain people in my life and my Fiance's brother's wife is one of them. She spits nothing but hateful remarks and has the ability to ruin everyone's day wherever she goes. I have only seen her a number of times and she has managed to bring me to tears every time. I honestly do not want her to come but if she doesn't come she will stop his whole family from coming. How do I cope with her on the day? I want to enjoy it but she is determined to spoil it already. What should I do? Any advice would be very much appreciated

OP posts:
Sosigsandwich · 05/03/2021 11:10

I absolutely wouldn't invite her. If his family are willing to miss out and not be there for your fiance so be it. I didn't invite my Dad's wife of 23 years. Best man and usher on standby in case she turned up.

RampantIvy · 05/03/2021 11:11

Now if my dh thought his db’s wife was going to sabotage an event like this he’d either tell her and her dh to behave or else or he wouldn’t invite her.
If your future dh isn’t prepared to tackle this level of nastiness now you have a lot of problems ahead imo.

This would worry me as well. Why does she behave like this?

viques · 05/03/2021 11:15

You invite her as a guest. You don’t ask her to be a bridesmaid or have any part in the ceremony. You don’t invite her to your hen do. You place her on a table with good friends who you brief beforehand to shut her down if she starts being snarky. You make sure that you get enough photographs so that you can discard ones she is in. You put a hefty brick in your bridal bouquet and take lessons to learn how to throw very accurately .

veeeeh · 05/03/2021 11:19

I'd slip a sedative into her somehow, leave the logistics to your bridesmaids and ushers. LOL 😂

That was lighthearted btw.

MollyButton · 05/03/2021 11:19

You tell everyone on a quiet one to one. Asking them to help you. Telling even the most rabid meat eater about the meat comment should help. Also don't forget talking to the venue and any staff. If you tell enough people and they are all looking out for you, it shouldn't be too much of a burden for anyone.

Original poster
AliceWonderland88 · 05/03/2021 11:23

Thank you again! Halo all great advice! I won't let her ruin our day

OP posts:
nanbread · 05/03/2021 11:24

Can you get your fiance to get her DH to keep her contained?

Tell your family she's a shit stirrer ASAP.

If you're not willing to cut her off you'll need to grow a thicker skin.

How would she react if you called her out?

nanbread · 05/03/2021 11:25

Can you give some examples of what she does / says as it might help us to come up with some ways to deal with it

MyAnacondaMight · 05/03/2021 11:27

Laxative in her champagne glass should keep her out the way.

(Kidding, obviously... Wink )

PenfoldPenny · 05/03/2021 11:31

"My Fiance spoke to his brother about her but he said if she doesn't come then none of them come"

Id say "Either she learns to behave appropriately or she doesnt get an invite. If she cant quit being so unpleasant then no invite. If the others wont come as a result then thats up to them"

Original poster
AliceWonderland88 · 05/03/2021 11:32

I've called her out before but she turns the conversation against me and just screams in my face until I just walk away. I never let her see she affects me but she never stops. She's like this to everyone.

Nanbread - other than telling me she will put meat in my food she is telling other guests that I am a SLT, cheap and not paying for anything, that I don't like them and won't be inviting them, she says I am talking rubbish about my family and making me look like the bad person and that I am the one spreading rumours. She told me I rushed into marriage and that my fiance is an idiot for marrying me. She calls me a stupid blonde, has a go at me for simply not eating meat, not cooking and just being English lol. She said all English people are cts and sls and thinks I am too. She says she can't wait to see my cheap little wedding and that her wedding was better.She said she will have a word with my dad and tell him not to talk a sl*t like me down the isle. She wants to force meat down my throat until I choke..... etc....etc...None of this really bothers me but after spending ten minutes with her constant chipping - it gets to you - and it really is constant.

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceWonderland88 · 05/03/2021 11:33

MyAnacondaMight - hahaha a small part of me wishes I could do this just to keep her out of the way ;) LOL

OP posts:
Sawyersfishbiscuits · 05/03/2021 11:34

All of the above advice sounds good.
Just one thing, tell your team of friends and family you don't want to hear about anything she's said or done on the day. Not ever.
Finding out stuff after the event can still spoil your memory of it. I know from experience (thanks MIL and thanks Auntie who needed to tell DM who told me!)
Good luck Smile

LolaSmiles · 05/03/2021 11:36

Is your partner's SIL not English,& is your partner not English?
From your update it sounds like there' could be a nasty cultural or race angle to her issues.

VegetarianDeathCult · 05/03/2021 11:37

@PenfoldPenny

"My Fiance spoke to his brother about her but he said if she doesn't come then none of them come"

Id say "Either she learns to behave appropriately or she doesnt get an invite. If she cant quit being so unpleasant then no invite. If the others wont come as a result then thats up to them"

This. No one blackmails their way into my event.
RampantIvy · 05/03/2021 11:38

So, she isn't English. Does she hate all English people? Have others witnessed her unreasonable behaviour? Where is she from?

Northernparent68 · 05/03/2021 11:38

@Lochmorlich

Now if my dh thought his db’s wife was going to sabotage an event like this he’d either tell her and her dh to behave or else or he wouldn’t invite her. If your future dh isn’t prepared to tackle this level of nastiness now you have a lot of problems ahead imo.
This. Uninvited her, she lost the right to an invite when she reduced you to tears
Dizzy1234 · 05/03/2021 11:38

Christ, after reading your latest update I would seriously have a rethink about marriage into that family.
If she's talking to you like that and no one, especially your fiance, is defending you, I would be running for the hills.
Your fiance should uninvite her and making it very clear why.
Seriously, this will get worse not better, she will continue to abuse you and the family will blame you as its easier to blame the victim rather than tackle the bully.
I'd be seriously doubting your fiancé's commitment and love for you if he's allowing this to happen 😱

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/03/2021 11:38

@MyAnacondaMight

Laxative in her champagne glass should keep her out the way.

(Kidding, obviously... Wink )

Secnded.

(Not kidding . . . )

PenfoldPenny · 05/03/2021 11:39

@AliceWonderland88

I've called her out before but she turns the conversation against me and just screams in my face until I just walk away. I never let her see she affects me but she never stops. She's like this to everyone.

Nanbread - other than telling me she will put meat in my food she is telling other guests that I am a SLT, cheap and not paying for anything, that I don't like them and won't be inviting them, she says I am talking rubbish about my family and making me look like the bad person and that I am the one spreading rumours. She told me I rushed into marriage and that my fiance is an idiot for marrying me. She calls me a stupid blonde, has a go at me for simply not eating meat, not cooking and just being English lol. She said all English people are cts and sls and thinks I am too. She says she can't wait to see my cheap little wedding and that her wedding was better.She said she will have a word with my dad and tell him not to talk a sl*t like me down the isle. She wants to force meat down my throat until I choke..... etc....etc...None of this really bothers me but after spending ten minutes with her constant chipping - it gets to you - and it really is constant.

I wouldnt invite her, seriously. That sort of behaviour isnt something I would enable/allow as part of my life, regardless of who they happen to be married to etc. I wouldnt accept appalling behaviour by children I teach or by my children so Im not going to tolerate it from adults either. If others connected to her choose not to come as a result well that shows that they arent up to much either tbh, allowing themselves to be led by her.
ravenmum · 05/03/2021 11:39

Honestly, does anyone in the family listen to any of that nonsense? Is she mentally ill, jealous, alcoholic, or what is the problem?

Original poster
AliceWonderland88 · 05/03/2021 11:40

LolaSmiles - yes his side of the family is not English. I would have thought that too but she is like this to everyone not just me.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 05/03/2021 11:41

I would not be getting married to a man who allowed a member of his family to treat me like that.

theThreeofWeevils · 05/03/2021 11:42

If her behaviour is as you describe and if your fiancé's family don't mind / show solidarity with her & her husband, then they are not a family to marry into. If you ditch him, you need never see her or any of them again. Result.

Knitwit99 · 05/03/2021 11:43

I can't believe someone goes around speaking like that and everyone puts up with her.

If she said those things to me or about me she would not be attending my wedding. And if that meant bil couldn't attend then so be it. I bet lots of people would be relieved she wasn't there. Who would want to be sitting beside that sort of chat at a wedding?

Why does no-one tell her to just f**k off?