Sister in law is making me feel like a shit mum

[littlerayoflight]

Both me and my sister in law had our first babies last year. They are 2 months apart, my son being the eldest.

We’re both very different mothers, but I’ve never made my SIL feel bad about any of her choices, neither have I ever expressed an opinion.

She on the other hand just seems to constantly criticise me and I can’t work out whether she’s just being a dick or whether I really am doing things wrong.

My son is still in a cot in my room, he breastfeeds and he still wakes once overnight for milk.

SIL told me this is in her words “it’s utterly bonkers” he should be in his own room and I need to “knock the night feeds on the head”
Yeah. Well you try telling that to my 12 month old.

My son has never had a night away from me, my choice, but also we don’t have a support bubble neither do we have a lot of people we’d feel comfortable leaving our son with over night.

SIL has had her daughter sleeping out from 3 months old and every other weekend she’s sleeping out at her grandparents (SIL’s parents)

SIL is always telling my my son is going to be clingy, he needs time away from me.
I’m depriving my husbands of a night with me only (not sure how as DS is in bed from 7pm and there’s plenty of other places around the house... wink wink)

My son contact naps during the day (he will go in his cot but I enjoy the cuddles and I’m back at work soon so will miss out of those)
She’s told me my son is clingy and he’s going to struggle at nursery.

She’s always telling me how how daughter is so happy, never cries, is always smiling and pleasant.
Sleeps 7-7 without waking.

I’ve had a year of this now and I’ve always just taken it on the chin, but it’s really starting to get to me.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was born and I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

I’ve had treatment for my anxiety and I’ve been well for months, but I can’t help feeling like it’s creeping back in.

I’ve tried to distance myself from SIL but she messages most days and if I always seems to engage with her, even though it results in me becoming upset.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother.

She sounds insecure about her parenting. You need to say outright to her that you will do what you think is right for your child just as she should do what is right for her child.

She would love me btw, my first child only looked after over night in our house by other people once when I was giving birth to DD2 and DD2 is still in my bed at 19 months and feeds lots over night.

Different children need different things I’ve been blessed with children with amazing speech now if only they would bloody sleep that would be amazing too.

Perhaps her next child will be very different.

It sounds as if she feels better about her decisions by putting down yours.

Both a very valid ways of parenting.

DS good friends mum is like your SIL I am like you. When it came to settling them into Nursery they were both equally bloody difficult (albeit in different ways). Because that is who they are. She finds it much harder than me though because I tend to far more go with the flow and be child led she likes structure.

You stick with what you are doing and ignore her.

No child is textbook perfect. Zero, Nada. Either it going to bite her on the arse later or she is lying.

Just wait till she’s got a rampant 2-year-old running wild and throwing tantrums. Because you can’t think you’re the best parent in the world but you can’t avoid that shit.
I hate smug shits like this. Keep it to yourself!

I wonder what she'd think of us with our 3 year still in our room haha

She's being a dick. I knew this from the first bit where she says your child "should" be doing x y z. Unless you're about to say she's a world renowned paediatric specialist then to the answer you need is "shut up" or "fuck off".

She sounds very sadly in need of convincing that her way is better or superior. You're just different, your children are different and that's just life.

The next time she messages with some faux concern at the (perfectly normal) way you are parenting your son, I'd just reply

"Oh do fuck off Janet, this is getting really tedious now"

Then turn off your phone and take the baby out for walk.

@Cocogreen

I also think I’d be trying to cut down contact a bit, if she’s messaging you every day and undermining your confidence.

Absolutely this. It takes a special kind of dick to load criticism after criticism on a mum who has had anxiety. Turn down the SIL volume, you might find the anxiety alleviates.

I wonder if she has a particularly critical or opinionated relative in her life who is making her feel inadequate and she is displacing it your direction. Or she’s just a superior smug performance parent ‘LOOK AT ME MUMMYING’ type.

Boundaries up OP. Ignore and restore.

Some people have text book babies, she got lucky, that’s all.

Just keep reminding her that no babies are the same and you like doing X,Y,Z.

She does have a slight point about not letting the baby stay out over night- not that the baby will be clingy but you should make time for yourself too. If you don’t have support for that though there isn’t anything you can do.

By the way I have 3 children, I initially tried the sake things with the second as the first. The same results did not occur. My third child is again, hugely different and what works with one never seems to work with the other two consistently. You have to adapt as a parent and they have to adapt a little too.

Just tell her that you both obviously have different parenting styles and you both do what works for your own situation.

But if she persists, get your DH to have a word with his brother to ask him to get her to back off as she's upsetting you.

If that doesn't work, feel free to fall out with her.

Definitely I don't have a clingy five year old. He ran off to nursery and school barely looking back. He did not have any time with grandparents or childminders that my elder two had. My eldest adapted well to that my middle one didn't take to childminders and was clingy at first .... again there's no one rule!

As a pp said, grey rock smiley face is your friend here. Every time she's presses your buttons and gets you defending yourself, it becomes a discussion where she can advocate her ways and expand on how her way is the best way... It needs to be shut down not opened up. So just put her at arms length. You're maintaining the relationship at this level for your dh benefit, but you could dial her right down and he wouldn't notice - but you will!
Every claim, boast or put down gets a that's nice or and nothing more. She'll drop it when it's all coming from her side. Dis-en-gage.

Removing you SIL from the equation for a moment

Are YOU happy with how things are going? Would you like non contact naps for example? Baby in his room room? Etc

She's not going to stop, obviously, as she feels HER way is the only right way.

It really isn't.

You are parenting YOUR child the way that feels right to YOU. She isn't your child's mother, she has no idea how to parent your child. So she should keep her beak out.

However, assuming you don't wish to fall out with her, your best response is "that's nice" or "how interesting" and then move on. Don't read her texts if they're upsetting you. OR learn to read them with humour - "SIL Bingo", if you will - have a list of things she likes to criticise and then tick them off every time you hear from her!

You're unlikely to change her attitude, so you need to change your own reaction to her attitude - stop assuming that she is ANY better than you, she really isn't - and learn ways to dismiss her criticisms as easily as she is able to dismiss your feelings.

for you - you're doing really well and I'm sure your child will be fabulous!

Pfft. I haven't RTFT, but my youngest was in our bed until she was 4 (mostly), has only had a handful of overnight stays with anyone else and was breastfed until 3 with night feeds until maybe 18 months?

Took her to her first day at nursery- not a backward glance. She is ridiculously confident and independent. That's just her personality I think.

Listen you’re not doing anything wrong, your SIL is just a competitive knobhead.

My eldest slept through v early and so we put her in her own room. Knowing how much other parents were struggling I actually found it super awkward to talk about their sleep as we hadn’t done anything special- they just were a ‘good’ sleeper.

My youngest.... a different child completely!

My point is that even if she does have this perfect baby (unlikely) she’s a dick for crowing about it, and I’m sure there are many other areas of her infant’s development that she feels less confident about, it’s strange she isn’t also sharing these if she’s messaging that frequently and this would make me question her motives. I mean, would be interesting if you could ask her what she worries about... I ca any imagine any new first time parent could honestly answer ‘nothing’ so that would be very telling! Of course she might just say she’s worried her LO is too gifted and might not fit in with the other run of the mill kiddoes ;)

She just always appears to have her shit together

Nobody with their shit together seeks out opportunities to put others down.

Her approach is similar to that I see in my kids - they bring up randomly specific things that they have just learned to do so that they can bang on about it to try and get a reaction from the other one!!

One of mine never slept in a cot - he went straight from my bed to his own double! There is no 'right way' of raising kids - you love them and you do your best and you are clearly doing both.

Another one here who would advise not going down to her level or telling her what she says is making you anxious. You need to present yourself as happy and confident and train her to stop. She will stop when she gets no response or not the response she wants. Say whatever you actually want to say to her to yourself and then text back with some of the suggestions above in the thread eg it’s great that they’re both doing so well isn’t it? Then say, lots of love, will catch up tomorrow/Saturday/ insert your own day and do not reply to any more that day. By all means tell your DH but don’t get him involved as it will make you look like you are powerless in front of her. Take control and pleasantly but firmly close this down. She’s not phoning which might be harder (if she does, ignore the call) so you’ve got time to text back some prepared responses. The more you do it the easier it will get.
And yes, there is little that is more annoying than a boasting parent. Many of those of us who have had more than one know very well that kids brought up the same way can be very different!

Block her number, she’s an arse.
You sound like a perfect parent, and she sounds pretty terrible.

You don’t have to like her because she’s family by marriage. Just literally never reply if you aren’t brave enough to block.

I can’t stand my SIL, we are very polite in company but I have nothing to do with her otherwise and on my social media she can’t see anything I post. Lockdown has been bliss, not seen her for 16 months now. Lovely.

We are on one family Whatsapp but we never directly contact each other.

She’s a total dick. I’m cringing for her.

“That’s good for you. This is our normal however and we’re all very happy”.

Every time. She’ll get the point eventually.

I think she sounds very insecure and is wanting reassurance in the form of “oh you’re so right, I’m wrong, thank you, what a great mother you are”. She is obviously a good mum, she just has a shit personality that you’re nearing the brunt of.

God, she sounds tiresome.

I agree with other posters that the first thing to ask yourself is, are YOU happy with the way things are? If there are some things you'd like to be different in an ideal world (and that's why these comments are getting to you) then you can start taking steps to try to get there, if you like. There is no shame at all in that, by the way - just because you decide to try something new doesn't mean you were doing it 'wrong' before. The whole process of life is trial, error and readjustment!

On the other hand, if you are really happy with how things are for your family, that's great! Just because someone else does it differently doesn't mean there's a right and a wrong way to do it. Different things work for different children and families.

It's possible she thinks she's trying to help you, or that you doing things differently makes her feel insecure and like a bad mother herself, or she may just be an insufferable busybody with a very sticky beak! None of those are your problem, and a polite but firm shutdown as others have suggested is the way to go.

She is either woefully insecure or she's a nasty, malicious piece of work, OP. In either case, this all says absolutely nothing about your parenting (which sounds great and totally normal btw) and says plenty about her personality.

I'm not sure she is insecure. She sounds like she thinks she's right and it's her way or the highway.

What comes across to me (and I've only got a few posts to go on) is that she believes that children shouldn't be an interference in their parents' lives. The emphasis on independence, playing alone, regular sleepovers from being very little. Her daughter is not going to interfere with her mother doing what she wants to do.

That makes me think ahead to 5/10/15 years' time. If her daughter has problems, if she needs her mum to be there for her - will she be? Or will she only be willing to go so far, and leave her DD to fend for herself? Whereas your DS will know that you will always have his back, that you'll be there for him when he needs you. Not that you're going to smother him and tie him to the apron strings, but he will know that he can always turn to you when things are tough.

I know which parent I'd rather be, and it's not your SIL.

You sound amazing

My SIL is just like yours

Also - what’s this miracle you talk of where a 12 month old wakes just once in the night?!