Sister in law is making me feel like a shit mum

[littlerayoflight]

Both me and my sister in law had our first babies last year. They are 2 months apart, my son being the eldest.

We’re both very different mothers, but I’ve never made my SIL feel bad about any of her choices, neither have I ever expressed an opinion.

She on the other hand just seems to constantly criticise me and I can’t work out whether she’s just being a dick or whether I really am doing things wrong.

My son is still in a cot in my room, he breastfeeds and he still wakes once overnight for milk.

SIL told me this is in her words “it’s utterly bonkers” he should be in his own room and I need to “knock the night feeds on the head”
Yeah. Well you try telling that to my 12 month old.

My son has never had a night away from me, my choice, but also we don’t have a support bubble neither do we have a lot of people we’d feel comfortable leaving our son with over night.

SIL has had her daughter sleeping out from 3 months old and every other weekend she’s sleeping out at her grandparents (SIL’s parents)

SIL is always telling my my son is going to be clingy, he needs time away from me.
I’m depriving my husbands of a night with me only (not sure how as DS is in bed from 7pm and there’s plenty of other places around the house... wink wink)

My son contact naps during the day (he will go in his cot but I enjoy the cuddles and I’m back at work soon so will miss out of those)
She’s told me my son is clingy and he’s going to struggle at nursery.

She’s always telling me how how daughter is so happy, never cries, is always smiling and pleasant.
Sleeps 7-7 without waking.

I’ve had a year of this now and I’ve always just taken it on the chin, but it’s really starting to get to me.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was born and I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

I’ve had treatment for my anxiety and I’ve been well for months, but I can’t help feeling like it’s creeping back in.

I’ve tried to distance myself from SIL but she messages most days and if I always seems to engage with her, even though it results in me becoming upset.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother

Oh, littlerayoflight, please don't let your SIL upset and undermine you. All children are different, they are not robots.

I would suggest you tell your SIL that parenting is not a competition, children and parents are different and they do what suits them no-one else, and it's time she reined in the bragging comments. If you can't face that speak to your husband and see if he will raise it either with her or his brother, her crowing posts reflect badly on her, not you. I suspect she is quite insecure and is trying to reassure herself that she is doing it right and is achieving this by putting you down, but whatever the reason it needs to stop as it is grossly unfair to you.

Just to reassure you, my nephew has been parented more in line with your style, albeit he went to nursery much earlier, and he is a delightful child, a pleasure to be around. He is confident, no problems at nursery, no problems interacting with anyone. I love the fact he wants to play with me, talk to me, have me read to him, it's a joy.

Chin up, do what is right for you, your husband and your son, that's what's important not what anyone else is doing.

"this is getting a bit bonkers. Why don't you just raise your baby how you like and I will do the same. You are clearly upsetting yourself worry about my life which I am perfectly happy with"

This. Send this. Don't for goodness' sake let her know she's upsetting you. The above suggestion sounds confident and together.

And after sending the above, if she 'suggests' anything to you again, simply say "you bring up your baby, I'll bring up mine" Every time.

It sounds very much to me as if your SIL is trying to unsettle you. Initially I thought she was trying to reassure herself but no, she's going beyond that. I would tell her that I'm very happy with our situation and if she isn't, perhaps she should get some professional advice and implement that - for herself/her child.

If it were me I'd have had enough of it and I'd just tell her straight that she can and should parent any way she wants - and leave me to do the same. I don't appreciate her constant jibes and I'm not going to keep silent about them to my husband (who would tell his brother) if she carries on.

You don't have to put up with this at all.

I agree with all the posters saying that you sound like a lovely mum, doing her very best which is definitely good enough. Don't let this woman blight your enjoyment of your baby's years by second-guessing everything your SIL says.

Wee in her tea.

I’d reply with something like - “I’m so pleased that we are both happy with our own parenting choices “ which is essentially well done SIL now f off you t**t.
She’s looking for validation because she’s insecure by making you feel bad.
You could also just ping everything back with a “ thank you for sharing”’- don’t offer any views of your own which should p her off and she may get the message. You do not need to explain your choices to anyone. You are happy with what you are doing, baby is happy, DH Is happy -OP you have cracked it. Lots of new mums are anxious as it’s a whole new world but step back and look at what you’ve achieved- well done!

Lockdown makes it easier to lessen your contact with her. Communicate with her less. Tell her less. You’ll feel better for it. Being an endless critical person is a reflection on her, not you!

As other posters have said - it sounds like she is insecure in herself as a mother, for whatever reason, and is taking it out on you. Maybe all is not as perfect as she makes out?

You sound like a great mother who is in tune with her baby - please don't let her criticism make you parent differently. I say this as a mother of a 18 month old who still bfs and we co-sleep most of the night. My mil used to make a few remarks, I don't think she was trying to be mean, I let them slide the first 2-3 times then calmly told her that her comments are not helpful to a new mother etc. She never apologised but she never made any comments again and all is fine now.

Take a deep breath and the next time she starts to criticise - don't let her finish, end the conversation, you can do this politely but firmly. In instances like this, it's better to be straight up - you are happy with how you are parenting your child and her comments are not welcome.

Babies get to be happy and secure at nursery or anywhere else by different routes. Take the one that suits you both and don't worry about your SIL at all.

My first grew up in a place far away from other children and spent much time just with me. I was really worried about the likely effects of this lack of socialisation - fearing she would be damaged/unsociable/clingy and feel an alien around other children.

When she was almost 2 we got to go to a mother/toddler group for the first time. She disappeared as I signed in, and was found right in the middle of the loudly singing and playing tots - delighted and utterly unafraid.

Your baby will be fine. You need a SIL filter on your phone :)

From your replies here it's clear that you know what to say to her, you're just not saying it!

If you get a message from her asking if your worried about your child not playing alone/nursery etc and you can come here and say 'he can play alone, I play with him because I enjoy the interaction' then you can type that exact sentence to her, add 'no advice needed, thanks' and press send!!

It's not your job to take shit off this woman to the point you feel like a bad parent when CLEARLY YOU ARE NOT!! Let your DH maintain his relationship with his DB and back off this awful woman who makes herself feel better by putting you down!

She sounds like an absolute arse, OP.

She sounds like a nut job tbh, and I say that as someone whose approach was probably about half way between yours and hers (definitely no strict routines, but DD was in her own room and having overnight stays with GPs fairly early on).

Did she/has she gone back to work significantly before you?

Because I wonder if she's greeting guilty and all this guff about how advanced and independent her DD is just a way of making her feel better about the choices she's made, or perhaps hasn't actually had a choice but to do.

Also, next time she starts the nonsense about you and your DH not having 'alone time'...tell her in graphic detail exactly how you make it work...that should out her off asking again !

Smile and nod, smile and nod, keepmcontact ax low as you can without seeming too rude. Anticipate this for the rest of your lives, it won’t stop at the baby stage, it’s FOREVER.

*keep contact as

@ThornAmongstRoses

You sound like an amazing mother!!!!!

My opinion is that people only criticise someone else’s parenting when they are either jealous, or they are just the kind of unpleasant, self centred person that likes to brag and gloat. Yuk.

Tell her to just “FUCK.OFF”

Yeah and I’d recite this to her as a mantra every time she said anything critical.

Tell her to fuck off! Seriously

just start being sarcastic saying DS is just playing with the electrical wires right which might work out as you was thinking he could do with a new hair style!
She's an insecure bitch who only feels good about herself by putting others down so tell her to fuck off, just ignore her messages.

Confide in her that his French lessons arnt going as well as expected his accent is atrocious and your worried he will only be an average learner at school

I agree with other here who’ve said that critical and seemingly arrogant parents are often the ones who actually doubt their methods. They want everyone to do it the same way as them, so they can feel reassured in the correctness of their methods.

I remember at the baby group with my first child there was a woman who lived nearby and I became friends with. She was funny and sociable, and we all used to meet at her house during maternity leave. She’d been unable to breastfeed - had tried, didn’t get on with it, so switched to formula in the first few weeks. No one was interested in how others fed their babies, and it was about a 50-50 split in the group. But this woman went on and on and on about how the breastfeeders should switch to formula. Every time I saw her she’d say “oh no, you’re not still breastfeeding are you? You NEED TO STOP”. It was bizarre. I zoned out after a while and just laughed.

Looking back she was clearly insecure about her choice to formula feed, and wanted us all to do the same, so she wouldn’t feel bad about it.

Your SIL is a dick as everyone says. You are letting her do this because you don't want to make a fuss but it is not you who is the problem. Nor will you ignoring it stop it happening. Confronting her directly will just turn you into the bad guy. I would guarantee she would run to her Dh and there would be a scene.

So you tell your DH, you show him the messages. You tell him how anxious it makes you feel. How the criticism is thinly veiled and constant. You get him to get his brother to tell her to wind her neck in. You don't let them say -Oh it's just SIL, she doesn't mean anything, you're too sensitive.
I've been there and done that with my SIL. Putting up with it doesn't stop it. You have all my sympathies.

Have you posted about this before? There was someone else v similar situation if not.
It's very unfortunate for you that she is clearly a competitive (and insecure) mum. The worst of the worst imo. Her response was v annoying. I can see how this relationship is highly toxic. You have to find a way to move on or rise above it otherwise it'll ruin these early years for you, which should be a time you enjoy and look back on fondly.

Your SIl actually sounds incredibly insecure about her parenting choices which is why she's constantly messaging / seeking reassurance that her way is the right way and her kid is doing the right things.

Next time she messages, leave it for a few hours then just send a one line response back, 'sorry, missed message; was having lovely cuddle time!"

The right way for you to mother is the way that leaves you and your child and family unit happy, healthy and able to function in society.

There isn’t one path to that. I’m more your kind of mum but wouldn’t criticise someone else.

Your SIL is a bit of a dick for always criticising, but you can have sympathy for any woman who falls into the trap of criticising another woman in other to justify or validate their own choices (when we live in a world in which women can’t win).

So yes, she is being a dick and a bad SIL. You should feel confident in your choices and you don’t need to explain them to anyone else or justify.

The best response is to just say to her ‘you do you, I’ll do what works for me’. ‘I’m happy with how things are’. ‘I’m not asking for your approval’ etc. ‘I know you mean well, but I don’t need any criticism/ advice on this’.

Outright aggression or spoiling for a fight won’t help your relationship and I suspect your nerves/ mental health.

Good luck. I really hope DH backs you up.

She hasn't worked that all babies are different, has she? It might be interesting when the penny finally drops! Some babies love schedules, she won't necessarily get that with the next one. Having an easy baby is just down to luck, it isn't her amazing parenting skills. I know from experience that you can do the exactly same thing with different babies and get completely different results.

Ignore her, she is being mean and she must be insecure. I can't believe her baby never cries, I've had a super chilled baby too and they still cried. One of mine liked playing by themselves, it was never for anywhere near a whole morning. That is a long time for a 12 month old not to hunt you down to be their playmate .

Either change the subject or say "that's nice" and disengage.

I agree with Jet888; ignore her messages. Then, when you are feeling happy and baby is asleep on you, send her something friendly and non-challenging, so she doesn't start to complain that you are not keeping in contact.
‘ What a gorgeous sunny day; hope you two are enjoying it too 🙂’