Sister in law is making me feel like a shit mum

[littlerayoflight]

Both me and my sister in law had our first babies last year. They are 2 months apart, my son being the eldest.

We’re both very different mothers, but I’ve never made my SIL feel bad about any of her choices, neither have I ever expressed an opinion.

She on the other hand just seems to constantly criticise me and I can’t work out whether she’s just being a dick or whether I really am doing things wrong.

My son is still in a cot in my room, he breastfeeds and he still wakes once overnight for milk.

SIL told me this is in her words “it’s utterly bonkers” he should be in his own room and I need to “knock the night feeds on the head”
Yeah. Well you try telling that to my 12 month old.

My son has never had a night away from me, my choice, but also we don’t have a support bubble neither do we have a lot of people we’d feel comfortable leaving our son with over night.

SIL has had her daughter sleeping out from 3 months old and every other weekend she’s sleeping out at her grandparents (SIL’s parents)

SIL is always telling my my son is going to be clingy, he needs time away from me.
I’m depriving my husbands of a night with me only (not sure how as DS is in bed from 7pm and there’s plenty of other places around the house... wink wink)

My son contact naps during the day (he will go in his cot but I enjoy the cuddles and I’m back at work soon so will miss out of those)
She’s told me my son is clingy and he’s going to struggle at nursery.

She’s always telling me how how daughter is so happy, never cries, is always smiling and pleasant.
Sleeps 7-7 without waking.

I’ve had a year of this now and I’ve always just taken it on the chin, but it’s really starting to get to me.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was born and I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

I’ve had treatment for my anxiety and I’ve been well for months, but I can’t help feeling like it’s creeping back in.

I’ve tried to distance myself from SIL but she messages most days and if I always seems to engage with her, even though it results in me becoming upset.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother.

@nanbread

My DC who was brilliant at independent play is likely autistic and struggles with social relationships, it's not always a great thing.

I would just start lying to her tbh when it comes round to baby talk.

"Yeah my child is brilliant at independent play too, but he does love his mama soooo much, lucky me"

"Actually he's sleeping so well! He sleeps fine without me now but I'd miss the cuddles so much."

"Yeah x's nursery are always saying the same about him and how they wish all babies were the same!"

Girls also tend to be less cuddly and more independant at younger ages than boys do. I think it all equalizes from 3-5, but during the baby and toddler stages girls tend to develop a lot faster mentally than boys do. I see it in my relatives daughters who are 12+ months old - a lot of them are just far more switched on and risk aware than my son is. For example none of THEM think it’s fun to dive head first off the bed and face plant on the floor. But DS loves it.

@Cocomarine I love that! ‘Leave her on read’

Absolutely do this whenever she says something mean. Then message back a few days/week or so later about something unrelated like TV/ film recommendation, recipe you’ve found etc. Then the next time she gets all baby competitive, leave her on read again. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. She’ll soon get the message. That way you keep up the relationship so don’t cause problems with your DH’s family, but don’t take her shit either. I also think you need to tell your DH what’s been going on and how you plan to handle it. Just so she doesn’t go bleating to your BIL, PIL and your DH is caught off guard.

@ThornAmongstRoses

You sound like an amazing mother!!!!!

My opinion is that people only criticise someone else’s parenting when they are either jealous, or they are just the kind of unpleasant, self centred person that likes to brag and gloat. Yuk.

Tell her to just “FUCK.OFF”

This

I wouldn't lower myself to her level. Sounds like you are very bonded and close to your boy and understand his needs. Could be she senses this and it makes her insecure and so criticises.

Either way she's a cow bag best ignored. Rise above it or if that's too hard save and reread this thread as many times as necessary :)

Reduce your contact with her

Your SIL sounds utterly tiresome

I'd be so tempted to tell her to FO but I guess you don't want to rock family relations lol

Jeez our 2.5 yr old still sleeps in our room so I probably get the prize for shit mum of the year!

We could put DC2 in the same room with DC1 bit we've tried it & it didn't work as it was a nightmare with them waking each other up...nobody got much sleep!

Oh and we don't have a 3rd spare bedroom to put DC2 in cos we're poor & live in London

I'm sure you're doing an amazing job!

One thing I learned after having my first baby, you fairly quickly learn to ignore/zone out to the utter bollocks that others spout about your own child!

@Whatnameisgood

Honestly, if she’s banging on so much about how she’s doing it right, she is most definitely feeling insecure about something. Someone who is totally confident in themselves doesn’t feel the need to bang their own drum like this

I agree. There must have been a back story why the baby was sent to her own room so early (and against generic NHS advice). All of my friends who did that had severe pnd or other MH conditions & it was suggested by midwives as a way to keep the baby safe.

Just try to ignore.
If she starts a conversation that you can see is going to end up in criticism then change the subject, and if she carries on then hang up on her - you can always cite phone problems.

Hi there, old mum and nanny here. Enjoy your baby and keep doing what you are doing , it all sounds lovely. Remember the mantra “ everyone is different” .
I wish people ( in real life I mean, not posters ) would just stop and think before they comment on other people’s child rearing choices. I had such a bossy condescending mother in law and found myself in the early 1980’s when I had my first babies, questioning my own instincts at times and wish I’d been been more confident in my own choices. It was the constant tutting and ridiculous sucking in of breath when I did something she didn’t think was “ right” and the “ you surely not giving him more milk are you?” sort of comments.
At least it has made me be much more aware of being supportive rather than critical or assertive in my relationships with my adult sons, wives, partners etc. I never ever make any comment that isn’t positive and don’t “ give advice” unless specifically asked.
Imagine what sort of a mother in law your sister in law will be!
Keep cuddling that precious little baby, who is yours not her responsibility.

Dear OP: if your SiL is telling the truth - which I sorely doubt - then her child is not a 'text-book' child at all. Far from it; that's if this hypothetical perfect kid exists, which I sorely doubt.

Children of that age cry. They cry to communicate. If I had a child of around 12 months who 'never cried' I'd be concerned something was seriously wrong and would be on to the HV toute suite.

Children wake at night as a natural protective mechanism from SIDS. Mothers were designed to breast feed: these are simple, evolutionary survival concepts.

Children who have a strong bond with their primary caregiver are much less likely, not more so, to develop attachment issues later in life. There is documented, extensive, peer-reviewed research which strongly supports this point.

You're a great Mum. Your SiL is as ignorant as she is judgemental and hasn't a clue. The type of people who are incapable of recognising differences between people and their parenting styles, or the fact that babies are individuals who are not all the same, are likely inducing anxiety in themselves. And this is the reason she's picking holes in your parenting.

Unfortunately there are also some people - my own in-laws are among them so I sympathise - who believe 'different = "bad"', and will take any lifestyle decision which deviates from their worldview as some kind of personal affront. It's these kinds of insecure people who can't live and let live and just have to keep chipping away.

It's also unfortunate that the only way to deal with this kind of thing is to disengage.

You are doing the best you can by your baby and your instincts are right. Don't let dicks like her convince you otherwise.

She is being horrible. You need to let dh know. I would actually stop all contact with her. If she then asks you why just say you are busy.

No way would I put up with this. Tell her nothing. Tell lies even if it keeps her off your back. Fuck her. She is a bitch. Sorry but she is nasty.

I will never NEVER understand why some women are concerned others’ mothering choices that have LITERALLY no affect on their lives.

And that’s coming from a place where I did most of the stuff your SIL did with my son. My choice, but if other ways of doing stuff work for you then great.

Honestly. Fucking hell.

Agree that you sound lovely, and yy to the smiley grey rock answers.

"That's nice for you. We’re fine. We're in no rush. They are little for such a short time.”

"Good for her. DS now happily doing X. All good here."

Keep it simple. As others have said, this really is her insecurity, and she may find life muuuuch harder with no 2, if she has another.

She may also find that teenage years are very different for her dd. My bf had perfect little daughters, who smiled, slept brilliantly, crayoned, did ballet perfectly, whilst my sons, bless em, were dreadful sleepers, super clingy, breastfed for England, then grew a bit and were only happy when covered in mud, kicking a ball, or creating utter (and v loud) chaos indoors. My friend turned up occasionally, immaculately made up with daughters in pretty dresses, and had a cup of tea in the midst of my chaos! I didn't feel as if I was doing a good job. I was shell shocked and just surviving.

However, my two six foot plus teenagers have been a dream to live with, both cook a lot, clean sometimes, do well at school and get on with life with a generally relaxed sense of fun and ok-ness. Her house is just full of teenage hormones, door slamming and angst. She's really earned her child benefit in the last 6 years.

If we all brought our kids up exactly the same, our kids would all be the same, and who would want that?

Best of luck

Actually I think I would block her for a while and let on your phone is broke to break the habit.

Having a child sleep 7 till 7 is really not the be all and end all. My 2nd woke every night for about the first 5 years and i had to switch beds with her. She's now 14, She's actually a delightful teenager, sleeps till 12 on sat and sun if i let her, doing well at school and has lots of friends. Honestly please don't get yourself wound up with the details in the early part of their life. Go with your instinct and just have a giggle about her to your dh or your friends and enjoy your baby.

Whatever you do though OP you have to stop it now.

Or she will make you feel a shit about everything - her child will always be doing better than yours, faster to learn, better at school. Even if not she will twist what they are doing to be better than you and your child. It will never end.

You sound like a fantastic mother to me , I'd say she is questioning her own choices and telling you yours are wrong is making her feel hers are right . Keep doing things your own way and don't let her nonsense get in the way of your happiness

Oh dear, she's got PFB syndrome! She thinks that her baby is the Best Ever Baby and it must be as a result of her fantastic parenting style. She'll be in for a shock eventually when Best Baby hits a new developmental stage and suddenly isn't as easy despite her wonderful parenting. (Wait til she has a second that doesn't follow the same rule book).

FWIW I think if her claims are true her dc is quite unusual. It is not normal at all for a 1 year old to be able or want to play independently for several hours. It is not necessarily a good thing. 1 years old is the peak age at which dc show strong attachment to their main carer. It's the age when it's quite normal for a baby to cry when their mum leaves the room or to push away a second parent or carer in preference to their chosen one (No daddy!! Mummy do it! etc) This is normal and a healthy stage of development. They have learnt that people come and go and that despite getting good care from any of these people, one or two are the most special and give them a feeling of safety and security from which they can start exploring the world.

If your SIL keeps on trying to undermine your confidence smile and nod, smile and nod and switch off your phone. Enjoy your beautiful bond with your boy.

That's such a good point notvery I have boys like yours and I would be so proud if they grew up happy and relaxed with important lifeskills. Life isn't always a smooth ride and neither is parenting

Happy people don't feel the need to criticise others.
She's probably jealous of the amazing bond you have with your baby.
Ignore her. Or tell her to piss off 🤗

I can see how it’s getting you down OP

Remind her every baby is different and you are doing what is best for your baby.

You are doing a brilliant job OP, don’t let her comments knock your confidence.

I tend to find this sort of reaction to others' parenting choices usually stems from an insecurity; being a first time mother is hard, and she's seeking to justify her own decisions by criticising yours. Disengage but calmly defend yourself, she has no more experience or knowledge than you, making different choices is absolutely fine and normal.

We have the exact same issue and one of ours was August born and he other September and due to start school so she has great pleasure sharing articles about how August born kids suffer. Oh fuck off.

I would also agree not to react to her. We have dd in our bed and she is nearly 4. My sil pretends she is perfect but her husband once asked me how we are all so calm and how our house wasn't chaos as she always seemed stressed. Now I just smile and nod

Lots of insecure people (like your SIL) find it MASSIVELY confronting when others choose to do things differently to them. It makes them doubt all their choices.

I would just reply to the critical ones with, "oh it really works for us" and to the I have a perfect baby ones with "super" and "that's nice".