Sister in law is making me feel like a shit mum

[littlerayoflight]

Both me and my sister in law had our first babies last year. They are 2 months apart, my son being the eldest.

We’re both very different mothers, but I’ve never made my SIL feel bad about any of her choices, neither have I ever expressed an opinion.

She on the other hand just seems to constantly criticise me and I can’t work out whether she’s just being a dick or whether I really am doing things wrong.

My son is still in a cot in my room, he breastfeeds and he still wakes once overnight for milk.

SIL told me this is in her words “it’s utterly bonkers” he should be in his own room and I need to “knock the night feeds on the head”
Yeah. Well you try telling that to my 12 month old.

My son has never had a night away from me, my choice, but also we don’t have a support bubble neither do we have a lot of people we’d feel comfortable leaving our son with over night.

SIL has had her daughter sleeping out from 3 months old and every other weekend she’s sleeping out at her grandparents (SIL’s parents)

SIL is always telling my my son is going to be clingy, he needs time away from me.
I’m depriving my husbands of a night with me only (not sure how as DS is in bed from 7pm and there’s plenty of other places around the house... wink wink)

My son contact naps during the day (he will go in his cot but I enjoy the cuddles and I’m back at work soon so will miss out of those)
She’s told me my son is clingy and he’s going to struggle at nursery.

She’s always telling me how how daughter is so happy, never cries, is always smiling and pleasant.
Sleeps 7-7 without waking.

I’ve had a year of this now and I’ve always just taken it on the chin, but it’s really starting to get to me.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was born and I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

I’ve had treatment for my anxiety and I’ve been well for months, but I can’t help feeling like it’s creeping back in.

I’ve tried to distance myself from SIL but she messages most days and if I always seems to engage with her, even though it results in me becoming upset.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother.

Look up "grey rock" responses like suggested above.

Her child is so passive because the child is used to being ignored because she is so busy telling you what you should be doing.

She's a headcase.
And a liar.
I wouldn't believe half the shit she's telling you.

Walter Mitty mothering...pure fantasy.

Pull back.

Don't allow her to spoil this time for you.

I'd just reply to anything like this with a cutesy reply like "aw, lovely" or "what a sweetheart", "looking forward to cuddles from X when we're allowed". Sort of sugary grey rock.

I think this is great advice, especially if you want to maintain cordial relations for the sake of your dh.

There is seriously something wrong with any parent who thinks they’ve got it all figured out enough to be telling someone else what to do.

Your sister in law is a seesaw mother. In order to make herself feel good she has to put you down. And if you are going to have a longterm relationship with her you need to sort it out now otherwise it will constantly be a competition with her. Every parents evening, every school event and milestone will be thrown in your face. Start by saying in your head "oh fuck off" everytime she says anything this will certainly make you feel better. Then just smile and think of a constant reply like "that's nice" and forever repeat. If she feels she isn't getting a reaction from you she will move onto another mother, at nursery perhaps.(not saying that is right, but wishes will leave you alone) Remember she is just putting you down to make herself feel better.

Shes being a dick...i had exactly the same routine with my ds as you do with yours...he had no struggles at nursery and isnt clingy at all...if it works for you its no-one elses business...your ds sounds like he is well loved..he'l thrive on this alone..

*Yes, I did. This was her response. (I’ve changed her daughters name to baby)
I haven’t replied to this one, to be honest I didn’t have a clue what to say and it’s just made me worry that my son isn’t going to settle at nursery so perfectly.. 😖

I enjoy the interaction with baby too but she’s doing really well with independent play, her key worker commented and said she wished all of the babies at nursery were that happy and easy

I’d just reply something like “We all do what works for us. So, watching anything good on Netflix lately?” Or something like that. Honestly, she sounds insufferable! I’d shut her down every time, stop justifying, explaining and defending yourself to her. You’re doing great

@Greycurtainswithdiamonf

Just smile, tilt your head and say

“We’re in no rush. They are little for such a short time. We’re enjoying every moment.”

This!! You are doing great. You have a lovely, well adjusted child and the way you are managing him is working well for both of you. Don't let doubts creep in!

Also, I think you need to take what she says about her perfect little girl with a grain of salt. It never occurred to me that people lie, but they do. Those who competitively parent will tell you half the truth or outright lie to be seen as the "better parent".

Tell her to fuck off.

@littlerayoflight WOW I think that this is the worst example of competitive parenting malicious negative comments I have ever heard. Just to be clear your SIL is being a total dick and I’m sure it makes her feel good in some strange way. Show your husband the deluge of messages and agree a couple of standard response together. Maybe something like “we are very happy with our way” “how interesting so many different approaches” and never send anything else. I would also suggest that you only read and respond at a set time or times each day. I don’t think either you or your husband should tell her it makes you anxious as I suspect it might ramp up even more. Keep going you are doing a great job 👍

My first was like your SIL's. Started sleeping through at 6 weeks (no exaggeration), in cot in her own room at 6 months, bla bla.

Number 2 ended up co sleeping, then being beside me in her bigger cot, until she was 21 months. She woke up for feeds until about then too.

Not all babies read the same manual. She might get her comeuppance with subsequent kids

Your parenting is attachment style and sounds lovely. I bf mine for years and they bed shared until they wanted to leave. What lovely memories. They are fab kids - love sing what causes problems. Her rudeness is an issue - it’s not news to most adults that parents can do things differently. I prefer your way but would t be so rude as to point that out or to think my way would be better for her. If she has a number two she might I d it all different;)

She sounds like an arsehole. You sound very passive - why are you putting up with this and not standing up for yourself? You are entitled to raise your child however you like and you're also entitled to voice your opinion. Especially when someone is criticising you all the time.

Grey rock is a good idea, but also remember that there’s no law that says you have to reply to any of her crap. As my teen says: leave her on read.

Why do some mums always behave as if child rearing is a competition?

Your sister in law will be having her child walk and talk and reading and counting etc etc... long before yours does..................... Boring.

I feel for you OP. It takes me back to the days when my children started nursery and there was always one child who could do everything before anyone else and at the back of that child was an unpleasant pushy mother.

If I had had my DD first and DS second I might have been like her, as it was I had DS first who wouldn't be put down for four months and was a very hard baby. DD by comparison was an angel, had to be woken for feeds, slept through early on, never gave me any trouble.

I hope she gets a hard one next time.

She's being a cow take no heed. My sil has a son who is 18 months older than dd ad she made quite cutting remarks about my parenting when dd was younger. I took it initially and then told her that she had a son and I a dd so there was no comparison, I would parent how I saw fit and quite frankly her form of parenting was offloading her ds on mil all the time because she was tired. I preferred to take care of my own kid shock horror despite the tiredness, having a section and difficulties healing afterwards and falling pregnant quite quickly with ds.

Be blunt with her and say that her remarks are upsetting you and she needs to back off. Be firm and stand by that you are doing the best for your child and as all kids are not the same, parenting isn't and shouldn't be one size fits all. Don't let someone like her add to your anxiety x

Only have two things to say about this:

1. I don't know if you've heard of Dr Spock (not that one, the paediatrician) and his baby book, but it famously opens with the line: "Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do."

2. Replying and engaging with these comments from your SIL is futile. Let me recommend the power of "LOL". "Do you worry that your child will do poorly at nursery?" "LOL" or similarly non committal things - ignoring completely, changing the subject entirely ("Oh SIL did you see that Bake Off is back on next week?") or if you're speaking in person just "mm".

My DC who was brilliant at independent play is likely autistic and struggles with social relationships, it's not always a great thing.

I would just start lying to her tbh when it comes round to baby talk.

"Yeah my child is brilliant at independent play too, but he does love his mama soooo much, lucky me"

"Actually he's sleeping so well! He sleeps fine without me now but I'd miss the cuddles so much."

"Yeah x's nursery are always saying the same about him and how they wish all babies were the same!"

I don’t even have kids and I don’t know much about parenting but I do know that your SIL has really PISSED ME OFF. She sounds like the type of woman who’s competitive about EVERYTHING. Is this the case? Bloody smug self obsessed type. I reckon deep down she’s actually really insecure and isn’t that maternal. She sounds like the type who would get a nanny in to do everything if she could while she carried on with her pre-kids life the best she could. She’s jealous of the close bond you have with your baby and maybe isn’t feeling that way with her own and feels she isn’t cut out for motherhood and wants her baby to be seen and not heard. Maybe you’re more maternal than her and she’s jealous so puts you down to make herself feel better.

Say ‘Look, your continual insecure comparisons make me worried about your state of mind. Maybe get some counselling? It’s really not healthy to keep comparing yourself to other people.’

Oh, she's just being a (hopefully unintentional dick). Each and every baby is a very different creature and needs to be cared for in a different way. Unfortunately smug mummies of first babies who sleep through the night and are in their own rooms early on often mistakenly believe this is the result of their fabulous parenting skills. So they think they are being kind in passing on their wisdom to the parents of less cooperative babies.

Then their second baby turns up who screams nonstop for an entire freaking year, feeds every hour through the night for a year and is just generally an uncooperative nightmare. They realise the error of their earlier assumptions that they're epic parents and weep gently through the long nights of sleep deprivation.

Can you tell I speak from bitter experience?

I'd have to play her at her own game (but then I'm not in your shoes and I don't know if there would be any fall out from whatever I'd send to her)
I'd have to do a mix of what has been suggested already but I'd throw a few bits in about how your health nurse has said that your child is showing great strides in X, Y or Z (something you know will just set her off and you're surprised that her DD who is left all alone to play and entertain herself hasn't reached that yet). Or that by being left alone to sleep and being passed from pillar to post for sleeping out means that she has not formed any lasting bonds and you've heard about studies where children who are brought up like that feel no strong attachment to their parents when they are adults themselves. Make some shit up that will really set her wondering if what she is doing is oh so great after all.
I'd also consider telling my DH that she is saying these things to you and that what she is saying is not helping your post natal anxiety and has he any suggestions on how it can stop? A problem shared is a problem halved and all that.
Just keep going the way you are as every single family is different and that is what makes us all so unique!
You're doing great!!!

Every time she sends updates on her girl, or says your baby should be doing x y z, respond with the thumbs up emoji. She'll soon stop. Yes, it's passive aggressive, but who cares?
Also leave it longer and longer to respond to messages. Anyone who makes you feel inadequate wrt your parenting is undermining you and is not your friend.

Honestly, if she’s banging on so much about how she’s doing it right, she is most definitely feeling insecure about something. Someone who is totally confident in themselves doesn’t feel the need to bang their own drum like this