Sister in law is making me feel like a shit mum

[littlerayoflight]

Both me and my sister in law had our first babies last year. They are 2 months apart, my son being the eldest.

We’re both very different mothers, but I’ve never made my SIL feel bad about any of her choices, neither have I ever expressed an opinion.

She on the other hand just seems to constantly criticise me and I can’t work out whether she’s just being a dick or whether I really am doing things wrong.

My son is still in a cot in my room, he breastfeeds and he still wakes once overnight for milk.

SIL told me this is in her words “it’s utterly bonkers” he should be in his own room and I need to “knock the night feeds on the head”
Yeah. Well you try telling that to my 12 month old.

My son has never had a night away from me, my choice, but also we don’t have a support bubble neither do we have a lot of people we’d feel comfortable leaving our son with over night.

SIL has had her daughter sleeping out from 3 months old and every other weekend she’s sleeping out at her grandparents (SIL’s parents)

SIL is always telling my my son is going to be clingy, he needs time away from me.
I’m depriving my husbands of a night with me only (not sure how as DS is in bed from 7pm and there’s plenty of other places around the house... wink wink)

My son contact naps during the day (he will go in his cot but I enjoy the cuddles and I’m back at work soon so will miss out of those)
She’s told me my son is clingy and he’s going to struggle at nursery.

She’s always telling me how how daughter is so happy, never cries, is always smiling and pleasant.
Sleeps 7-7 without waking.

I’ve had a year of this now and I’ve always just taken it on the chin, but it’s really starting to get to me.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was born and I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

I’ve had treatment for my anxiety and I’ve been well for months, but I can’t help feeling like it’s creeping back in.

I’ve tried to distance myself from SIL but she messages most days and if I always seems to engage with her, even though it results in me becoming upset.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother.

Oh God, there's always one! An annoying twat mum in my Antenatal tried to 'help' me with my parenting, often voicing concerns. It really is the most insecure people that do this.
I distanced myself from her pretty fast but unfortunately you can't do that with a relative. Definitely tell your DH what's going on as he'll be able to reassure you that you're doing well.
I'd also practice a few short non engaging texts to reply to your SIL & ignore her texts as much as possible.

You are doing nothing wrong, you just both have different parenting styles.
I have 2 children aged 6 and 3, both have been parented the exact same way and both are completely different.
My 3 year old is (on the whole) gentle, loving, sweet, goes to sleep at night (but wakes up early) says please and thank you and will happily play quietly on his own.
My 6 year old is loud, argumentative, has never remembered to say please and thank you without prompting, won't go to sleep at night (but sleeps in later) and she will only occasionally play on her own and not quietly. I know this sounds like I don't like my 6 year old, which isn't true, I love her with all my heart, she has many other wonderful qualities and my 3 year old has some bad ones.
I am telling you this because there is every chance you and your SIL could switch parenting styles and still have the same children if it is their personality it is their personality.

You're fab. She's projecting, because she knows deep down that you have made the better parenting choices. And to make her feel better about that, she puts you down.
I did a Counselling course once, and we looked into attachment. We were told that a perennially happy quiet baby isn't always a good thing, as in some cases the baby's needs aren't being responded to, so they give up communicating (crying). I'm sure that's not the case with your relative's baby, but just saying!
You MUST stand up for yourself on this, and really quite firmly too. Otherwise you'll have years of this.

I distanced myself from her pretty fast but unfortunately you can't do that with a relative.

Oh, yes you can.

Personally I LOVE the one-way train ticket to fuck response. But if this is going a little too far (pity) a mute button and ghosting approach will do a similar job.

As I get older I have a rapidly-decreasing tolerance level for this sort of BS. People will find themselves sniping at thin air; some of them don't even appear to mind (the passive aggressive ones in particular, who seldom seem to require a response). Suits me. You get no respect at all for being a walkover.

Echoing what was said upthread - this is likely her seeking to reassure herself, even if it's unconscious. I noticed in the early years that some people were obsessed with how others were parenting and forever doling out the advice: looking back, I think they were as anxious as I was but processed it by projecting.

That aside, she sounds like a bloody bore! Crack on with the cuddles, mine is nearly 5 and sleeps with us - he has just fallen asleep on me as I read him his bedtime story. Wouldn't swap it cos I like it wouldn't question anyone else's choices and needs either.

You are honestly doing amazing. My son (now a teen) was clingy. He wanted to be constantly entertained and/or me with him all the time or to have me in his line of sight. He mostly slept on me during the day. I did try to have a routine with him BUT in honesty it was because I was not what I would call myself or felt I was natural mother. I felt I didn't understand his ques and that this would ensure he was content. I was in awe of mothers who did as you as just knew what and when to do stuff and wish I could be like that. HOWEVER, I would seek their advice and compliment them and ask questions. Never would I criticise them. Oh and my clingy son, went to nursery at 2 yrs old, not having really been with anyone else, full time absolutely no issues (they all have the odd moments) and is a lovely independent, confident kid. I can only suggest you maybe do a bit of diverting the subject, or grey rock her a bit or a good one can be "the HV says its fine/has no issues", whatever, lie to keep her quiet. She can't argue with a professional being ok with it. Good luck

I'm a very similar mum to you op and my 2 and a half year old isn't "clingy" and has no issues. Happy and doing well, obsessed with daddy and we are not remotely worried about how he'll fare at nursery when he starts soon. Your SIL is not only rude but also wrong to criticise your parenting.

Op I had a weird competitive situation with my Sil. She's always been v tricky and fortunately lives far away. We had a dc around the same time , her first , my last. I have other kids so I could see through a lot of the comments but it was still very offensive. Constant criticisms and constantly building her own dc up , it was very, very cringe. My dcs are all very active and there was comments about how hers needed to take their time to do things and how it's a sign of intelligence , how sad it was that my dcs don't speak a 2nd language (hopefully they will) as hers was trilingual , why was my son asking for chocolate all the time (it was Christmas, we had bought special treats and my dcs have an excellent diet, we are all very health conscious) , tut tut all the time that she stayed, my youngest bolted and hers didn't, again down to her "training them ". Constant comparisons where my dcs were somehow inferior in some way.. I let her go on and on and on and just made a mental note of all the little scathing remarks she made.
Thing is if she was a happy person and genuinely loved being a parent she wouldn't feel the need to say things, it wasn't about us , it was her.
The more she went on and the more comments she made I just thought she obvs has some serious issues. I thought about it and I can't remember a single time I've made a dig at someone about their parenting or kids because I'm not a toxic person. This is about your sils insecurity not you.

All children are different - after all they are just little humans and individuals like we all are. You need to do what's right for your son and that's going to be different to what her daughter needs. It's just not true that the way we parent our babies has this huge imact on their day to day temperament. To an extent it does, and obviously the extreme end of the spectrum e.g. neglect obviously has an effect. But the small stuff, such as sleep... You just get what you get. You can't force a baby that wakes to become a baby that doesn't. You can't force a clingy baby not to be. And I'm hoping you've googled enough to know your child led approach is the best way to have good outcomes for your child. The way he's going to develop in a way that lets him go out and explore and feel safe is to be consistent and responsive, just as you are doing. Honestly, OP, you're doing a great job by the sounds of it. There is a strange competitive modern parenting thing where success is measured in hours slept and how well small children can be alone/away from you. Some kids can but it would be insane to think the majority can. We just haven't evolved that way.

I have two sons and if I'd had my second one first, I would have thought I had parenting nailed. He's chilled, sleeps pretty well, doesn't mind being with others, skips into nursery without a backward glance etc etc. Fortunately I know better, my first woke hourly for literally years, cried at nursery everyday for months, wouldn't be held by others, cried the entire time I left him with grandparents for the first time (an hour) etc. He's nearly 6 now and so settled at school, funny, super clever and creative, really physically capable climbing etc... And still wakes up every single night and is a bit of a riddle to me much of the time. They're just different and having two has really helped me see that.

Your SIL is insecure as we all are as new parents but unfortunately I think she's consciously or not realised she can make herself feel better by bragging about things and making you feel bad. You need to keep in your mind that her parenting is just no reflection on you, it's nothing to do with you and vice versa. Her daughter could actually ascend to heaven as a saint and that would say nothing about you.

I think you need to notice the scripts you both get into with your messages, where she gets you a bit on the defensive. Let it slide off you. When she says oh DD played for hours reply with oh that's nice, hope you got lots done. Or, when she says DD is so wonderful at nursery just respond with ah glad to hear she's settled in well. I think SIL will stop if she doesn't get the response she is looking for.

this is unkind and every baby is different. You are putting his needs first and you sound a very kind mum.

Just ask her that you prefer to ask for advice than being pecked at

My mil used to comment on stuff all the time. I used my SiL's mantra i heard her use, everytime. Just smile - shrug amd say well, every child is different and if you can, change the subject. I did this religiously and now she doesnt comment almost ever.

@saraclara

"this is getting a bit bonkers. Why don't you just raise your baby how you like and I will do the same. You are clearly upsetting yourself worry about my life which I am perfectly happy with"

This. Send this. Don't for goodness' sake let her know she's upsetting you. The above suggestion sounds confident and together.

And after sending the above, if she 'suggests' anything to you again, simply say "you bring up your baby, I'll bring up mine" Every time.

I agree with these comments.

I also agree about the insecurity, and I also wonder how much influence her mother is on her parenting.

Was it really SIL's idea to initiate sleepovers at 3 months old, and all the times at grandparents? Or was it pressure from her mother, and when SIL's making comments at you, is she really trying to justify (to herself) giving in to her mother?

After all, I've seen plenty of posts on here where grandmothers are trying to muscle in on the baby rearing.

OP you are doing just fine,I am sure you already know that

When I had my first baby my neighbour had hers two months later.
Suddenly she was an expert and always trying to get a dig in.
Her daughter was very advanced and I never heard the last of it so I tried to keep her at arms length.

When not possible I used to be quite rude.........oh god I have my own child 24/7 so I'm not really interested in what other peoples kids are doing.

I was useless at changing nappies on my knee,always had baby on changing mat on the floor when possible.
She saw me changing baby on my knee and said my god what are you doing.I ignored so she repeated it louder....I replied sorry I dont answer stupid questions.

Her daughter was an early walker and my son was very very late.
Everytime she saw me outside she would say is he walking yet because my Natalie has been walking since 10 months old......one day I replied yes I know because you tell me everyday.

I think my response to your SIL would be zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
......but thats me lol

You are an incredible mum! I had two babies who I brought up in almost exactly the same way as you're bringing yours up. They're both wonderful children and I wouldn't change a single thing. They're still in for cuddles (especially the youngest) at 6 & 8 and I love it. I promise you, you can keep your head up high and know that you're doing so well

I have 2 and a half year old who is still breastfeed, feed to sleep, wakes a few times during every night, always has, I’m still co sleeping. Don’t listen to her. What you are doing is perfect. Babies are not f&@king clingy, drives me crazy when people say that. Just say to her next time I appreciate your opinion and then in your head (but f@k off) haha.

OP, another one saying it’s not you, its her.

Just dont tell her anything

Children are 90% who they are when they're born, 10% parenting. Sounds like her baby is bottle fed, generally fills them up for longer so they sleep. Not necessarily better, nor I or anything to do with parenting, babies, kids are so completely different, even siblings. Just wish a non sleeper on her if she has another...

You are not a shit mum, not in the slightest. My little boy is 2 nearly and we still cuddle him to sleep. He won't be little for long and it goes crazy fast!

Your sister in law sounds like a cow. How dare she criticise your parenting style?? I'm sure her child will have difficult periods growing up and you wouldn't dream of giving her a kicking.

I had post natal depression and I think these comments would really mess with my mental health. I think you may need to explain to her that you are doing thinks your way and that all children are different. I know it's hard but honestly, she's being so rude and bossy!

Wow. She does think a lot of herself. Like playing with your little one will do him any harm!! I don't know how you've kept your cool for so long!

I can't stand this competitive parenting. Children are all different and what one does at an early age, another will do later and vice versa. She may discover the truth of that if/when she has another. One of my dcs happily played independently at a youngish age whereas the other preferred company. OTOH, my ompany loving DC found it much easier to be in a group of their peers at a younger age than the DC who enjoyed playing alone. All the way through school they did different things at different tines. I always let myself be led by their needs, which it sounds as though you are doing. Funnily enough, now they are adults they are very similar in those areas where they were so different as children. And whenever my dil asks for advice, which she does fairly often, my response is always for her to be led by her child's needs if at all possible. She is the mum and knows my dgc better than anyone else. As do you. It may be hard, but try to ignore your sil, she is either not very nice, or, more likely IMO, very insecure about her own parenting choices and has to make herself feel better by diminishing your parenting style.

You sound like an absolutely wonderful mother!

My Sil criticised me as a mum too. She moaned I breastfed past 1 year. She moaned my children can’t have junk food before two. She criticised my house and moaned it was mostly furniture she wouldn’t buy, and how dare I have a house fire her nieces deserve a better mum. I’m an awful mum and wife. We now actually don’t speak at all she’s not welcome in our home. If I see her at a family event she says hello I say nothing. She caused me so much heartache and I was doubting everything I do. From how I make my coffee to how I look after the children. She even said it’s a good job my dad died before I met him because I would be a disappointment.

I haven’t spoken to her in years and it’s been so mentally peaceful I will quite happily ignore her forever.