Sister in law is making me feel like a shit mum

[littlerayoflight]

Both me and my sister in law had our first babies last year. They are 2 months apart, my son being the eldest.

We’re both very different mothers, but I’ve never made my SIL feel bad about any of her choices, neither have I ever expressed an opinion.

She on the other hand just seems to constantly criticise me and I can’t work out whether she’s just being a dick or whether I really am doing things wrong.

My son is still in a cot in my room, he breastfeeds and he still wakes once overnight for milk.

SIL told me this is in her words “it’s utterly bonkers” he should be in his own room and I need to “knock the night feeds on the head”
Yeah. Well you try telling that to my 12 month old.

My son has never had a night away from me, my choice, but also we don’t have a support bubble neither do we have a lot of people we’d feel comfortable leaving our son with over night.

SIL has had her daughter sleeping out from 3 months old and every other weekend she’s sleeping out at her grandparents (SIL’s parents)

SIL is always telling my my son is going to be clingy, he needs time away from me.
I’m depriving my husbands of a night with me only (not sure how as DS is in bed from 7pm and there’s plenty of other places around the house... wink wink)

My son contact naps during the day (he will go in his cot but I enjoy the cuddles and I’m back at work soon so will miss out of those)
She’s told me my son is clingy and he’s going to struggle at nursery.

She’s always telling me how how daughter is so happy, never cries, is always smiling and pleasant.
Sleeps 7-7 without waking.

I’ve had a year of this now and I’ve always just taken it on the chin, but it’s really starting to get to me.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was born and I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

I’ve had treatment for my anxiety and I’ve been well for months, but I can’t help feeling like it’s creeping back in.

I’ve tried to distance myself from SIL but she messages most days and if I always seems to engage with her, even though it results in me becoming upset.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother.

I've learned 2 things in life, new mothers are always right (hehehe) and so are dog owners(hehehe) . Most of the time they talk through a hole in their arse, if it's any help my oldest didn't stop sleeping in my room until she was 5 yes 5 years old, not that I wanted her to but she crept into my bed between me and her dad every single night! OK s now we've established she's the world's greatest mother in the world, what's the bad bits she doesn't tell you? She hasn't told u 1 bad thing hasn't she not? Well then...
I'm experience there is no right or wrong way to raise a child, a mother knows best what is good for her baby. Boys will eat more as they have a huge amount of growing to do, your son probably has a lot of energy that needs fuel, fuel being food.
She on the other hand paps her kid off every weekend to grandparents house while looking her nose down on you. Take what she says with a pinch of salt. No 2 kids are the same ever. And so what if your kid becomes clingy, as opposed to a kid that barely knows its mother because the baby is papped out to grandparents to raise at weekends?

Just smile and nod at her.

Just want to let you know, our 13 month old co sleeps with us most nights, of course it would be great if she would stay in her cot but she won’t and it’s the way we all get a good nights sleep. I have friends who judge this but you know what, all kids are different and all families are different and you do what is right for you. Seriously, don’t mind her she is being a cow. And things could also change very quickly for her. Her next baby should she have one could be the complete opposite! Nothing worse than someone acting like the next child expert! You are doing your best for your child and if they are well looked after nobody else’s opinion matters. Def nothing to do with your past anxiety either!

Exactly and for the record there isn't many boys who aren't clingy to their mothers when they are young, so if your boy is clingy then it could mean he has a bond with you and you will have done everything right. My brother was awfully clingy to my mum, my mum pandered to his every whim, she actually still does, I think only mothers with sons understand the bond.

My DD didn't spend a night away from me until she was five. She's a confident child and has never been clingy. A strong bond with primary carer is one of the things that sets a child up for life. You can't be stable without a solid foundation.

Ignore her. My LB was still in his cot in our room at 15 months, we moved him into his own room when we had to drop the cot down a level. He was still feeding overnight at 18 months and fed to slee until he was over. He's almost 3 now and I've never left him overnight and he is the most independent child out of all of his friends.

There is an argument that what you are doing will help your little one to be more independent in the long run!

Keep doing what your doing!

Your SIL sounds insufferable. You are doing fine. Plenty of parents keep their children in the same room for a good long time (we did), and did not leave there kids on their own much or with others to mind (we did not). Our kids are not clingy. I never criticise someone else's choices when it comes to raising kids, we are all different and very different approaches to children will be fine. It follows they should not criticise mine. I would avoid/ smile politely and say you have your way and I have mine.

Yikes! Sounds like your sister in law is being really out of order. The way you parent is none of her business and she is far over-reaching by criticising you in this way. I wonder if you could start saying something like “well we all do things differently, we’re happy with what we’re doing” and not engage any further. I would also stop telling her what you’re doing. Reply to messages less or just say you’re really busy. Tell a white lie if necessary about why you don’t have time to talk. Keep things surface level and try not to give details. Good luck - it must be hard.

She sounds vile. She's hands off, fair enough. It could be her DD doesn't cry because she knows no one will come, and plays alone as it's her only entertainment. It might not be, of course, but I know which mum Id rather have. She's justifying the fact that she prefers her own space at your expense. I bet her DH points out what a loving mum you are and she feels the need to put you down instead.

Fwiw, my style is a more extreme version of yours. DD is the most confident, outgoing 11y I know. My DS's are 2.4 and 7m and each co sleeping with a parent, not clingy, not unable to entertain themselves. Happy, healthy boys with a huge amount of security in their environment. You need to get confident! Studies show lots of love and attention is what makes babies secure and happy.

Don't justify yourself. You're doing great.

You're not going to win her over, you need to find ways of shutting her down.

"My child, my decision"
"That's nice, but different children, different mums"
"Good for you/her/them, it's not for me"
"Sure, if that works for you. Not how I'd do it, but each to their own"
"I'm happy with my choices thanks"
(When she quotes random nursery worker / other mother / child psychologist of her imagination) "Ha, everyone's an expert"
"Ok" (coupled with a dismissive shrug of the shoulders)

I used all these on a VERY annoying MIL and SIL, several times a day sometimes (long family holidays...). Repeating stock phrases made it boring for them to have a go, and less stressful for me to respond. They gave up, I'm sure they were pissed off but it avoided a massive and unpleasant row, which for various reasons I did want to avoid at the time.

(Or you would be totally justified in telling her to fuck off, blocking her, and refusing to see or speak to her again until she stops being a complete cow That's the approach I'd take now! But I know I couldn't have done it when I was an anxious first time mum)

I EBF my twins and had a very similar experience to you, in fact they were waking multiple times a night until we night weaned a few months after they turned one.

I also had them in our room until 12 months to make the waking and feeding easier.

By 1.5 yrs they were sleeping through.

Your SIL sounds awful. Just say something like "we all parent differently, it's ok to have different approaches" and leave it at that.

There are A LOT of toddlers that wake in the night, don't settle etc. Your SILs views sound warped.

You're doing nothing wrong in terms of parenting - and neither is your SIL.

My own parenting style is closer to your SIL, by necessity as much as by preference. But all babies are different and you should do what works for you and your family.

Your SIL is being very rude.

PS - I don't think she is necessarily insecure, she just seems to enjoy a cheap sense of superiority. Leave her to her delusions. You could also criticize her right back but I don't think you should, that's just going to sour your relationship and won't make anything better. Ignore.

I enjoy the interaction with baby too but she’s doing really well with independent play, her key worker commented and said she wished all of the babies at nursery were that happy and easy.

Jesus, what a bitch.

God I'd just say "yeah well I guess you're just a far better mother than me 👏"

You need to tell your husband, what she's doing is disgusting, she's deliberately attacking yourself esteem, you need him to back you up.

@Scratchyback

I bet you will raise a beautiful child that will give you huge joy.
I was an anxious and early days PND mum who was unsure of her parenting skills and had bolshier mums tell me I was doing it wrong.I was full of the same insecurities as you are. I now have gorgeous grown up children in their twenties.

This is reassuring, thank you.

She sounds awful. I feel a bit anxious for you. Seems to be much more her problem, that she needs to make comparisons and question you. She is not being supportive, if that's what she thinks. Can you ask her why she feels the need to question you and pass so much judgement?

Your SIL is a knob. What makes her such an expert anyway? You sound like you're doing an amazing job at raising your son, but whatever you did , sounds like your SIL would find something to pick fault with anyway because SHE has the perfect child and the perfect parenting technique. What a load of shite. All children are different and I would distance myself from her if it were me.

For me it depends if you are complaining about these things or she just comes out of the blue with them.

If you are complaining maybe take some help. If it's out the blue then every mum does it differently and you just need to decide what is best for your family. Know that you have a loved happy child. If it was me when she says these things I'd just be saying we're happy with how we're doing it thanks. She will soon shut up if you make it clear you do not want her opinion.

I think your SIL is making herself feel better about her choices, by saying yours are wrong. Forgive me, but I am also thinking she may not be bfing now?

I am an extended bfing Mam, who family bedded for years, and now have one heading off to study a medicine degree, another studying A levels, and our 3rd child exploring the world. I haven't ruined them, but I was strong enough to follow the parenting choices that were right for us.

Many mothers aren't and sadly instead of us all getting together to encourage each other to listen to our own instincts and children, often they instead turn on other mothers. By putting different choices down, they feel more secure that their choice then is right. No one is right, no one is wrong, we are just all different. What works for one baby and Mama may not suit others.

You are doing a good job, and it may help to try to think that she is actually very likely feeling insecure and confused herself, while commenting on your choices. Try reserve psychology, ohhh its ok I understand this may not have been suitable for you, but so glad you are ok doing xyz... Look at what they can enjoy, etc x

Your parenting sounds very normal & sensible- a baby should stay on your room till a year to reduce the risk of cot death! I'd be having a strong word with her - either stop criticising me or sod off.

Oh OP. Shut those anxious voices in your head down and keep parenting exactly how you're parenting as long as it works for YOU. It sounds to me like you are doing a wonderful job with your wee one.

Wow she sounds like an overbearing prick.

Now you need a plan to get her to stop it. 'Thanks for your advice but l am happy doing this my way.' First time. Second time 'l'm happy doing it my way third 'l'm doing it my way' fourth 'your opinion isn't welcome'.

You sound like a lovely devoted mother with a healthy strong bond with your baby. She sounds like a jealous insecure nightmare who can't wait to Palm her baby off on her parents. Stop talking to her. You are doing great xx

Shut her down. Block her on WhatsApp, unblock once a week if you really must. Respond to criticism with ‘Whatever’. Nothing more. Be strict with yourself!

Tell your dh how she’s making you feel with her constant criticism. How is she any more experienced than you? Take a step back: you realise she’s spoiling what should be a lovely time with your ds?

It must be a tricky one to navigate op. A lot of people saying tell her to fuck off etc. It's not that simple though, if you want to maintain a relationship with her and BIL, then obviously you can't do that. A few good suggestions though. I like the idea of not replying until much later and ignoring the question, just telling her you've been busy and 'hope you're all good' with no specific questions back to her. Hopefully it'll make her realise in time that you aren't going to engage in her competitiveness or put downs.