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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister in law is making me feel like a shit mum

490 replies

littlerayoflight · 05/03/2021 09:55

Both me and my sister in law had our first babies last year. They are 2 months apart, my son being the eldest.

We’re both very different mothers, but I’ve never made my SIL feel bad about any of her choices, neither have I ever expressed an opinion.

She on the other hand just seems to constantly criticise me and I can’t work out whether she’s just being a dick or whether I really am doing things wrong.

My son is still in a cot in my room, he breastfeeds and he still wakes once overnight for milk.

SIL told me this is in her words “it’s utterly bonkers” he should be in his own room and I need to “knock the night feeds on the head”
Yeah. Well you try telling that to my 12 month old.

My son has never had a night away from me, my choice, but also we don’t have a support bubble neither do we have a lot of people we’d feel comfortable leaving our son with over night.

SIL has had her daughter sleeping out from 3 months old and every other weekend she’s sleeping out at her grandparents (SIL’s parents)

SIL is always telling my my son is going to be clingy, he needs time away from me.
I’m depriving my husbands of a night with me only (not sure how as DS is in bed from 7pm and there’s plenty of other places around the house... wink wink)

My son contact naps during the day (he will go in his cot but I enjoy the cuddles and I’m back at work soon so will miss out of those)
She’s told me my son is clingy and he’s going to struggle at nursery.

She’s always telling me how how daughter is so happy, never cries, is always smiling and pleasant.
Sleeps 7-7 without waking.

I’ve had a year of this now and I’ve always just taken it on the chin, but it’s really starting to get to me.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was born and I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

I’ve had treatment for my anxiety and I’ve been well for months, but I can’t help feeling like it’s creeping back in.

I’ve tried to distance myself from SIL but she messages most days and if I always seems to engage with her, even though it results in me becoming upset.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother.

OP posts:
minniemoocher · 05/03/2021 14:57

I breastfed until 18 mos and coslept until they decided to sleep alone, dd2 was at junior school! Both are adults now and amazing young ladies. Tell your sil to butt out (politely)

Milliepossum · 05/03/2021 14:58

@silverbubbles

This morning she messaged to tell me her daughter has been playing alone all morning and wondered if I was worried that my son “needs” to play with me and if I thought he may struggle with independence at nursery.

Re: the above. Perhaps you should ask her if she is concerned that her daughter will be a loner and unable to make friends at nursery /school/life. Maybe she should consider giving her daughter a bit more time.....

I haven’t read the rest of the thread yet but this comment stood out to me. My mother was similarly distant towards me, didn’t play with me, and used controlled crying. I grew up feeling that I didn’t belong in my family and that is still the case. I have had a few close friends for decades, and other regular friends, but I don’t spend much time with my family or confide in them. Keep doing what feels right OP, ignore your SIL and keep making your baby feel secure and happy. There’s nothing wrong with keeping your baby in your room and it’s wonderful that you play with your baby.
Mylittlepony374 · 05/03/2021 15:01

OP I was in your position with my first baby. My sister in law had a negative comment for EVERYTHING I did- I was making the baby clingy by holding her too much, I was causing her to wake at night by still breastfeeding her (that was about 6 weeks i thínk), I shouldn't speak my own language to her because I live in Ireland now, why would I send my baby to nursery, a childminder was the way to go etcetc. It was exhausting. I tried to ignore. She just got worse. I started to call her out on it, explaining I was interpreting some of her comments as hostile/mean. She nó longer talks to me. My life is much easier. So, minimise contact would be my advice.

Mylittlepony374 · 05/03/2021 15:03

And you're really not a shit mum. Believe in yourself. You know what's best for your baby. She doesn't.

Thehop · 05/03/2021 15:03

You sound like a wonderful mummy and like you and your son are so bonded and close. She’s chosen not to have that with her child and I find that sad.

Januaryissodull · 05/03/2021 15:04

Your sil needs to keep her beak out of your business.

All babies are different, all parents are different.

Personally I don't get the obsession with getting babies to do everything so early on. Both mine were in cots in my room past 1yo. Youngest was in the bed with us. Youngest was always particularly 'clingy'. Thank fuck I didn't listen to people bullshit, unsolicited advice. He's such a happy, well behaved child now, growing in confidence knowing we always gave his back, and we have the closest bond.

You sound like a brilliant mum doing the best by your child.

Don't let other people make you doubt yourself.

fruitbrewhaha · 05/03/2021 15:05

She sounds like a complete cow. I'd be temped to pull strings in her head.

Ah poor DD, she must be lonely all be herself. I suppose she doesn't see you as her caregiver as she's shipped around a fair bit. I hope that doesn't worry you.

But it's easy for me to say that. Probably best to ignore her.

Level75 · 05/03/2021 15:06

For what it's worth I much prefer your approach to parenting. I co-slept and bf till DD was 2.5 and she's incredibly friendly and independent. I think having that closeness gave her the security to be independent.

Moving a baby out at 3 months is actively not recommended because of the risk of SIDS.

I have a friend who parented like your SIL. Her daughter is quite insecure and clingy. That might just be her personality but I think being shipped around friends and relatives for weekends and weeks so her and her DH could 'have fun' may have contributed.

Is it worth saying something like 'I think we have slightly different approaches to parenting, and our babies obviously have different personalities and needs, so it might be better for us if we didn't offer each other advice - I'd hate to inadvertently upset you'.

3peassuit · 05/03/2021 15:10

All babies are different. My DD1 was like your sil’s baby and DD2 was like yours. I was a bit smug after DD1 but got my comeuppance with DD2..

MiriamMargo · 05/03/2021 15:11

You sound like a perfectly wonderful mother to me, and its time you stood up to the nasty cow and tell her to mind her own business! She's an interfering busy bodied bitch xx

AgentCooper · 05/03/2021 15:13

You sound like a lovely mum. You know your child better than anyone.

Your SIL, on the other hand, sounds like a fucking boot who needs to get herself on the train to fuck. One way ticket.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/03/2021 15:17

I had a friend like this. We both had boys a year apart (mine being the younger). She was just chock full of 'advice' about the 'right way' (ie her way) of doing things. What she seemed to forget was that I had an older son and had managed to successfully keep him alive for 5 years without her instructions. 🙄

She even had the temerity to make a (not 'specifically' aimed at me) remark about how she was going to 'raise her own child, not farm him out' to go back to work. She soon ate those words once she realized her DH didn't earn enough for her to stay home.

My advice; learn to ignore her. Someone can only make you feel like shit if you allow them to. You're doing a marvelous job and we're all entitled to make our own parenting choices.

FishWithoutABike · 05/03/2021 15:19

I think the best thing you can do is tell her your giving up screen time for lent and block her. I find it flabbergasting that she feels the need to comment on your slightly different approaches. It’s not like either of you are parenting outside of the norms. For what it’s worth I think the fact you are close with your son is a great thing. Baby’s are people and largely turn out how they do because of who they are not how we treat them but having a secure loving relationship with his mother is the foundations for a happy healthy child.

EarlGreywithLemon · 05/03/2021 15:21

Please don’t listen to her! My DD is 15 months, we co sleep and I’m still breastfeeding her. She’s never been away from us overnight and we have no plans to start any time soon. It works for us. She’s happy, and I know she won’t be little for long so I’m enjoying every cuddle. I tried to shoehorn her into a strict routine, own cot etc. She was unhappy, I was stressed, so I stopped. I’ve had plenty of annoying comments (family, friends, health visitor) but your SIL really takes the biscuit! Tell her this is how you’re bringing up your son, and it’s not open to any further discussion.

NoPinkPlease · 05/03/2021 15:26

You sound like such a lovely mum, who's really in tune with your baby. Tell your sister in law to do one. Love all of mumsnet

CoolCatTaco · 05/03/2021 15:29

She's a dick. When DD was about 6 weeks old my SIL lectured me about how I needed to put her in her own room, stop breast feeding, do controlled crying...put DH first before it ruined our marriage. And so on. I mildly responded with, yeah that's not what I want & ignored her.
She doesn't actually have any children.

WingingItSince1973 · 05/03/2021 15:33

Op you are doing an absolutely amazing job. You sound in tune with your sons needs and are absolutely enjoying your relationship with him. Reading your SIL comments leaves me feeling a bit cold and sad for her daughter. Maybe she is quiet and easy for her key worker because she is used to being alone and ignored for hours. Its nothing to brag about. Sounds like SIL is following a very outdated manual that children should be seen and not heard.

Yaya26 · 05/03/2021 15:33

You sound like an amazing mum. Xx
YouSIL on the other hand sounds like a overbearing know it all

Yaya26 · 05/03/2021 15:34

Correction - Your SIL

that1970shouse · 05/03/2021 15:35

My friend was full of smug advice about how everyone should raise their child her way, look what a good job she was doing, what a perfect child she had. Then she had a second and was shocked to find that babies are all very different and what works for one can be totally useless with another. Never heard her preach after that.

coffeeandbiscuit · 05/03/2021 15:35

There are some very good replies on this thread, but I do love a good Mrs Brown reply sometimes:

"That's nice."

Kokosrieksts · 05/03/2021 15:36

She hasn’t got a clue what she’s talking about. Your son will develop a safe attachment and it will all work fine. You can tell her that I co-sleep with my 2 year old and only recently have started to night wean. Let her faint. I’ve never spent a night away. Babies/ Toddlers don’t need to be forced to be away from you to learn independence if you don’t need to be away. They can learn that when older and feel safe.

Yaya26 · 05/03/2021 15:36

My youngest - twins and I’d do anything to go back and spend more time cuddling them. I was very busy when they were little and I feel we missed out on this.

HelloWorld1234 · 05/03/2021 15:40

You're completely in the right hun, what a nightmare.

SVRT19674 · 05/03/2021 15:40

For what it´s worth my daughter slept in her own bedroom since 18 months, she did fine and is happy and social. Goes off to play with her friends without a look back as she knows we will be there when she needs us. There is only one thing you are doing wrong, and that is renting so much of your headspace out to your SIL. She´s a pain in the butt, and you need to nip it in the bud. In Spain we say it is better to turn red once that yellow a thousand times...you are on the yellow option right now...