Sister in law is making me feel like a shit mum

[littlerayoflight]

Both me and my sister in law had our first babies last year. They are 2 months apart, my son being the eldest.

We’re both very different mothers, but I’ve never made my SIL feel bad about any of her choices, neither have I ever expressed an opinion.

She on the other hand just seems to constantly criticise me and I can’t work out whether she’s just being a dick or whether I really am doing things wrong.

My son is still in a cot in my room, he breastfeeds and he still wakes once overnight for milk.

SIL told me this is in her words “it’s utterly bonkers” he should be in his own room and I need to “knock the night feeds on the head”
Yeah. Well you try telling that to my 12 month old.

My son has never had a night away from me, my choice, but also we don’t have a support bubble neither do we have a lot of people we’d feel comfortable leaving our son with over night.

SIL has had her daughter sleeping out from 3 months old and every other weekend she’s sleeping out at her grandparents (SIL’s parents)

SIL is always telling my my son is going to be clingy, he needs time away from me.
I’m depriving my husbands of a night with me only (not sure how as DS is in bed from 7pm and there’s plenty of other places around the house... wink wink)

My son contact naps during the day (he will go in his cot but I enjoy the cuddles and I’m back at work soon so will miss out of those)
She’s told me my son is clingy and he’s going to struggle at nursery.

She’s always telling me how how daughter is so happy, never cries, is always smiling and pleasant.
Sleeps 7-7 without waking.

I’ve had a year of this now and I’ve always just taken it on the chin, but it’s really starting to get to me.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was born and I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

I’ve had treatment for my anxiety and I’ve been well for months, but I can’t help feeling like it’s creeping back in.

I’ve tried to distance myself from SIL but she messages most days and if I always seems to engage with her, even though it results in me becoming upset.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother.

Sod your bitch in law , wow what a judge mare! You are doing nothing wrong you are a brilliant mummy, your son is completely normal for his age he is only 12 months old . I’m on to my 3rd child so I can say like others you are doing great!! All children are different my first child fed every 4 hours during the night until she was 1 years old and it only stopped because I thought she’s on solids she doesn’t need milk around the clock like a newborn, my second child I can’t compare because we found out she had severe brain damage so her care was always going to be 247 , my 3rd baby who is 10 weeks old is completely different to his big sister he goes to bed at 6.30/7pm because we started trying to get him a routine and he sleeps until we wake him for his late bottle at midnight then he will sleep through the night until 5am? 5.30am. He is happily co-sleeping with me but my eldest daughter was in her own bedroom by 5 months because she was an active sleeper . My writing is terrible I’m sore but if you can understand me I’m just trying to say you’re doing great tell her to keep her opinions out because her next child may be completely different and no child is the same

Ignore, ignore.. listen to your child and heart and do what feels good .. not what anyone says you should do.. each child is different .. my DD nearly 14 still wants cuddles and on occasions sleeps with me (when DH works night) and at the same time is super independent.

Not entirely relevant but I remember my MIL criticising me for having my baby aged about 3m out in a sleepsuit/ babygrow. Apparently they are meant to be in ‘outfits’ not babygrows.

I told her I would dress her in whatever I wanted. Managed to stop short of telling her to eff off but the idea that I needed to dress my baby in a way to please others - when I was the one who had to do the dressing and manoeuvring of octopus baby who didn’t want to be dressed and was lying down all the time anyway- just fuck off. I was dressing her for comfort and to avoid heavy seams or anything constricting on her skin.

Just bonkers what people will criticise mums for.

You're not a shit mum.

If anything, your SIL sounds very insecure and is probably quite jealous of the close relationship which you and your son seem to have. Maybe she's been pressurised into having her daughter "sleep out" at her parents, by her parents. Perhaps her partner has insisted that the baby have her own room - and sleep in it, come what may.

But the point remains that every child is different. Your son is your child, not your SIL's, and she has to learn to respect your choices when it comes to how you parent him. Just as you respect hers.

As for all that nonsense about how you're somehow destroying your son's future life by attachment parenting...?! Let's put it this way: I parented my 16 year old son in similar ways to how you say you are parenting your 12 month old. As a result, my son is confident and (according to every expert who's ever met him) well-adjusted. He started nursery at 2, and thrived - and throughout his schooling? He has been part of a strong friendship group which shows every sign of remaining intact for a good few years yet. Because of the hours we spent reading together, he has a far superior vocabulary (according to his teachers) than most boys "his age" (this goes back to primary school) and because he was raised with the values of respect and discipline, he can more than hold his own in conversations with every person he's ever met. He also still kisses me "goodbye" every time he leaves the house and hugs me "goodnight" - he also knows that he can tell me anything and everything (although I in no way believe that I know absolutely everything about him... he's a teenager, after all!). Now, if only he could figure out how to clean his bedroom, he'd be pretty much ideal...

My point is, that I attachment parented him - because I'd developed the confidence in my own parenting skills by the time he came along, that I'd lacked with his older sister. When she was a baby/toddler/young child, I lacked the ability to tell my mother "no" when it came to her staying with her overnight, or spending the entire day somewhere, regardless of what I might have had planned. Eight years later, though, when my mother tried to pressurise me into not picking my screaming 12 hour old son up because (and I quote) "you'll spoil him", I had the confidence to tell her that she didn't get a vote in how his father and I chose to parent him. She still doesn't. So I've been both you and, I suspect, your SIL. Partly because of self-confidence developing as my ex and I grew tired of my mother's false belief that she was the matriarch of our little family, but also because my son and my daughter? Totally different children, with individual personality types to one another. They still are.

You're doing what you instinctively know to be right for your son, whilst your SIL may very well doubt that she's doing what is right for her daughter. Don't let it get to you. Time will tell if my hunch is right, or not...

for you, though, because it is tough, either way.

OP, you are prioritising everyone else but yourself. If BIL stops being close to your DH because you stop replying to SIL then that's on BIL and SIL not you.

You sound very 'woe is me' and this is going to transfer to your dc. You will watch SIL and her DC make your DC feel inadequate. This happened with my mum and aunt. Our aunt made us feel so bad and our cousin did the same.

Nip this in the bud for yourself and your DC's sake.

I agree with your Sil all those things sound like my idea of hell. But it’s not her place or my place to tell you how to parent. She likes routine and structure and so do I.

You need to politely tell her your not interested in her opinion and your raising your child your way and please stop offering your unwanted opinion.

You’re amazing to be breast feeding at 12 months. It’s so hard. Breast milk is much lighter than formula milk. If you’re 100% or heavily feeding breast milk it’s much harder to get your infant to sleep for an uninterrupted period. Its lighter milk, they digest it, are hungry and want a refill, so you feed more frequently. It’s practical and makes perfect sense that your baby is in a cot next to you while you do it. It supports breastfeeding and your baby’s wellbeing. It saves you walking up and down the landing in the middle of the night between bedrooms. Many mothers use a mix of breast feeding and formula, additinally there are not many breast feeding survivors at 12 months. So when we all compare how long our babies sleep for and which room they’re in – it all depends – all babies are different and the feeding and weaning is different too. Not everyone is open and it’s an emotionally charged area. I have friends who were desperate to breast feed but because of medical complications couldn’t and were completely heartbroken, sitting next to ones who just didn’t do it and used the ready made glass bottles, next to ones who didn’t mind but gave it a go and were v successful (and won the admiration and envy of us all). Its personal choice. Having a baby is hard enough – but when all of this is in the mix – there can be so many unhelpful comments and mixed feelings. When your babies are older and at nursery you’ll mix with other cultures where its quite normal to be co-sleeping with older toddlers who also stay up late into the night. There’s such a variety of approaches. You sound on track – Try to be thick skinned and get some distance from the unhelpful comments at this stage. Theres so such more joy to look forward to together with your SIL’s child when this stage has past– playing in the park, sandpits, rockpooling, bikes n trikes. Well done for breast feeding to 12 months – you did it – the location of the crib/cot is not relevant in comparison.

my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

Are you so sure your SiL is telling the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

I'd bet you £10 she's not ...

Just laugh at her.

She might have a point about undoing habits when you go back to work, but it’s none of her business.

*Honestly, I haven’t fully told DH.

I’ve made a few comments to him about what she’s said, but I haven’t told him the full extent of how she’s making me feel.

Firstly because I didn’t want to cause any issues but secondly because it’s genuinely started to make me feel like I really am doing things wrong and I’m worrying that maybe she’s just trying to offer me advice and I’m being too sensitive..*

This seems to go far beyond the relatively minor differences in your parenting styles. She is bullying you like others have said it probably comes from her own insecurities but that doesnt excuse the behaviour. This wont stop, once your DS is in nursery and happy and settled it will be well 'my child walked first', 'said boo first', 'climbed Mount Everest first'.....
You need to tell DH what is going on and explain how its affecting you.

Anytime she steers the conversation towards the kids just say I dont need advice on how to raise my child. Dont raise to the bait. An alternative and in my opinion better option would simply be to block her number.

You are amazing OP ... and an amazing mum!

We all parent differently, babies/children are all individual and no two will do things the same way at the same time. As parents we should just concentrate on our own babies and do what is right for them and our own situations.

I agree SIL is either jealous/envious, insecure ... and is trying to make herself look good so that she might actually feel and believe it. Her way is only right for her baby and her circumstances - not anyone else’s.

You’re doing great, I would just ignore her and carry on being a great mum, enjoying your beautiful baby 😊

Your SIL sounds like a meddling dick head who is threatened by how you choose to parent.

Ignore. Or, if you’re up to it- tell her to pack it in, or ask your DH to tell her to leave you alone, else you might have to put up with this for years.

Do you have to see so much of her? Make plans with others on weekends etc and don’t tell her what you do, what you’re planning or where you’re going. Try and put distance between you.

You’re parenting completely normally and just how millions of us do. My DS is nearly 2 and he’s never been away from me overnight. There’s no right way to be a parent, provided you’re loving and responsive.

‘Oh that’s nice, well they’re all different aren’t they’ - every time! One of my twins is a ‘textbook’ baby and the other is about as far from textbook as you can get. It’s made me realise that sleeping, eating, walking etc is down to luck and genetics more than anything.

Hi OP,

Everything you have described about your parenting style and child sounds perfectly normal to me. You are doing great.

Your SIL comes over as insecure and very petty with her constant smug, boastful behaviour (stealth boasting). People do try to make comparisons about their children, partly to reassure themselves that they are doing things well. Try to avoid these parents (there will be more in the playground when you get there) as they are a pain. Each child is different and has their own, different version of "normal". I doubt that half of what she boasts about is even vaguely true. She will get a rude awaking when she has a second child and finds they are completely different and won't follow a pattern or sleep through the night or stop crying until they choose to do so!

Suggest not responding to her messages for a day or two or many hours - after all, you were busy parenting etc. Then responding with very neutral "that's nice" or the "yes you're probably right" (suggested earlier) type comments without asking her any questions or giving her information about you, in order to close the conversation down. If she continues to criticise you, the MN favourite of "did you mean to be so rude?" is a good one, followed by firmly telling (not asking) her to stop with the comparisons and criticisms, as you do not criticise her and parent in your own style. A bit of assertiveness needed and failing that, just leave longer and longer intervals before you respond so the relationship cools down a lot.

Good Luck

You're doing great.

Your SIL is talking bollocks. You're responding to your child's needs and it works for you, so it's none of her business even if it's not a parenting style that would work for her.

My almost 2yo dd still cosleep, feeds overnight, and contact naps. At home. She's been at nursery for a year and happily naps on her own there and doesn't need milk. She adjusted to the change fine. Babies understand that routines can be different in different places and they adapt. When she's with me she wants milk and that's fine with me so as long as we're both happy we'll continue as we are and it's nobody else's business.

There is no such thing as a perfect textbook child. There also isn’t a correct way to raise children but you sound as if you are doing a brilliant job. You raise your child how you want to raise him. Keeping him in your room, breastfeeding on demand and contact napping are great ways to ensure your baby becomes a secure toddler because you are there for him when he needs you. Just ignore her.

I'm childless but remember when my nephew was a baby he was stuck more to my sister than a limpet the first couple of years. Lots of people said that she was making a rod for her own back, it will be a nightmare getting him to go to infant school, he will never make friends etc. The reverse happened and he turned into a happy, outgoing child with lots of friends who was happy going to school knowing his mum would be there to pick him up.

Don't take in your SiL's negativity. You know she's talking rubbish. You need to shut her down every time until she gets the message that you don't give a fuck what she thinks. Every time she says something, shut her down by saying something like: 'I disagree, I'll do my way, you do yours.' End of discussion. If she persists, just repeat.

"I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is."

Hi OP

Your son is the perfect textbook baby. Wanting to be close to their main caregiver and still waking up at night are completely developmentally normal behaviours. I've never met a baby who can play for hours on their own, and clearly nursery haven't either or they wouldnt have commented on how 'easy' the baby was. How else will a baby learn to interact and speak and pick up social cues playing by themselves? They are designed to want company. And frankly I'd be a bit upset if my baby settled perfectly at nursery without a backward glance, it's not very common and I'd be wondering why they weren't a bit upset or whatever at being away from me. And why the fuck is she commenting on your and your husbands sex life and relationship!?

Lots of people talk about their babies a lot, and are competitive parents. But from your updates it really does seem as though she is deliberately trying to make you worried and paranoid. I don't know why, and she might not know why either or even realise it, but it definitely goes beyond anything I've ever experienced though friends or baby groups or nct type things (where I met my fair share of competitive mums with perfect babies!). Constantly picking up on things that anyone else would find perfectly normal and implying that because your baby doesn't behave exactly the same as hers or you dont parent in exactly the same way as her, that there is an actual issue that needs addressing, is insensitive and weird at best and nasty and manipulative at worst.
I personally think 3 months old is very young to spend a night away from their primary caregiver (unless they have an exceptionally close relationship with their other relatives etc) and I didnt do it til mine were around 2 I think, but I'd never ever say anything to anyone that did it, because it's not my business, it's not unsafe, and because I don't really give a shit how other people do things, and I accept that all babies and parents are different. I bet you wouldn't say anything either. So why should she?
I do think you need to say something. Nothing confrontational if you're worried about the wider relationship but something bland like 'thanks for your concern but we're happy with the way we are doing things', and just repeat and repeat whenever she borders on criticism. And please tell your husband, why wouldn't you tell him something that's obviously upsetting you so much, you dont need to fall out if you dont want to just distance yourself

You sound like a wonderful parent.

Talk to your DH if you feel he will support you.

And block your SIL if you can't stop responding to her messages. She can fuck off with her unwanted opinions.

Oh my love you sound amazing. Every time she messages you come to us for a response.
For example, with the play thing, "are you sure she's developing her social interaction skills? Our HV mentioned recently that at 12 months babies should be seeking out adults to communicate with. Have you considered a developmental delay? Is she pointing yet? Does she avoid eye contact?"
Or the sleeping through thing "Current research suggests that night waking is developmentally normal and indeed night feeds beneficial until at least 18 months of age, are you sure she's getting enough nutrition?"
Tailor the above for how bitchy you're feeling! Bear in mind that's me being facetious and I don't necessarily believe the above!

Oh I absolutely feel for you! This is your first as it is hers, she is as experienced as you don't forget it. What works with one child doesn't work with another. If your methods are working ignore her.

I was a single mom for many years and everyone gave me advice, but I stuck to my guns with what I felt was right.

It's hard but I would say to her, I'm glad your child is thriving with your ways, but mine is with mine and we are all very happy with our current set up.

Both of my kids (now 11 and 9) shared our bed until they were both about a year old, and the younger one was breastfed until over a year (younger one 8-9 months). Until they were 6 months ish most day naps were in the sling. They are now both confident, independent young people (they both went on rainbow sleepovers aged 6 with no worries at all).

Please don't worry that you are raising a clingy kid - I think there has been some research that "attachment parenting" (if you want to give it a label) results in more secure, confident children.

She sounds insecure. You going back to work is a good time to stop texting.

I have a 7 month old and have made lots of the decisions you have, contact naps, breastfeeding at night when he wakes, he will be in my room until at least a year old. I wouldn’t say this makes me a bad parent at all, I’m trying not to be rigid and follow my baby’s cues and make him feel as safe and secure as possible. Her choices are fine if that works for her, if the way you are doing things works for you she should respect that as you respect her choices.

I enjoy the interaction with baby too but she’s doing really well with independent play, her key worker commented and said she wished all of the babies at nursery were that happy and easy.

Agree with everyone else that it’s an insecurity thing on her part. If you’re happy with what you’re doing you tend to just get on with it and not overthink it. I would just stick to smiley, friendly but just not getting into it, ‘nope, not worried, great they’re all different isn’t it, great you’re doing what you feel is right for your baby and we are for ours... etc etc and move on.

Also in terms of night feeds- waking at night for a feed at 12 months (or for many feeds!) is completely normal (it is obviously also fine if they’re not doing that, but loads of babies will still be waking). But I’d probably just stop giving her details to be honest, provided you’re happy there’s no need for anyone to know how night times are going!

Will echo what PPs have said- I coslept with DD for years, and did a lot of the attachment parenting type things (unknowingly to be honest that it had a name- I just did what DD seemed to need, no judgment on what other parents do, and in fact I did things differently with my son as he was less bothered about cosleeping and happy to sleep alone). DD is nearly 5 now and very happy, secure and confident. You’re doing great!