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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance Shame

966 replies

Lockdownschmockdown · 04/03/2021 22:43

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 05/03/2021 00:00

£100K on new/fixed teeth? Are they Mick Hucknall?! How can you possibly spend that on the teeth themselves - as opposed to a flamboyant display of wealth at the same time as happening to have necessary work done to your teeth?

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 00:00

@Lockdownschmockdown

This blown up so much the basic point of the thread has now been lost.

I will put it again and more simply:

As a parent, would you use an extensive surplus sum of money to help an adult DC who was already financially afloat due to your help and good decisions when a younger adult?

Why would I give them money they don’t need due to being financially afloat?

I would ensure they, and the grandchildren, were looked after in my will.

Therealjudgejudy · 05/03/2021 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FiveNightsAtMummys · 05/03/2021 00:00

I'd prefer my parents to spend their money on what makes them happy. You benefited from some of that wealth as a child/ adult as well. I've never been in that situation but right now I'd say you do sound grabby.

Ermidunno · 05/03/2021 00:00

@Lockdownschmockdown

This blown up so much the basic point of the thread has now been lost.

I will put it again and more simply:

As a parent, would you use an extensive surplus sum of money to help an adult DC who was already financially afloat due to your help and good decisions when a younger adult?

No because they are afloat but I would put money away for any grandchildren. If my child was not afloat then I would give them some money for a home but not enough to live off as I believe working is important.
ItsWrittenintheStars · 05/03/2021 00:00

I agree with you OP. If I was given millions of pounds my very first thought would be putting the majority into my children’s bank accounts...and I can’t actually believe any parent wouldn’t Confused.

YouKnowItsTrue · 05/03/2021 00:01

OP is it possible that there is some money set aside that you don’t know about?

It might seem that they haven’t thought about you but I wonder if they just assumed the value of the house would go to you.

SymphonyofShadows · 05/03/2021 00:01

It’s all comparative. Many people are saying £25k is a huge sum of cash but have no issue with the parents blowing through millions with nothing to show for it. If I had millions spare then of course I’d share it with my kids. My parents and grandparents would and have too

But it’s not comparative though is it? For a start you’d have to factor in about £300k for a private education in today’s money, plus the £20k at the time to get on the property ladder. I think someone’s diamond shoes are too tight

SleepingStandingUp · 05/03/2021 00:01

@Snookie00

It’s all comparative. Many people are saying £25k is a huge sum of cash but have no issue with the parents blowing through millions with nothing to show for it. If I had millions spare then of course I’d share it with my kids. My parents and grandparents would and have too.
But they don't have millions spare, they're not sleeping on £50 notes at night whilst op goes hungry. They've invested in their health, their home and enjoying the one life they've got to live, whilst also setting their privately educated child up on the property lady early in life which has helped her now build up a property portfolio in her 40s and which will be added to upon upon their death with their own large home.
JustLyra · 05/03/2021 00:02

@Lockdownschmockdown

Also as already stated, the 20k was one sixth of the cost of a one bed flat and i am very grateful for it,
One sixth of a flat that cost double the National average and was more expensive than even the London average.
therealteamdebbie · 05/03/2021 00:02

@Lockdownschmockdown

This blown up so much the basic point of the thread has now been lost.

I will put it again and more simply:

As a parent, would you use an extensive surplus sum of money to help an adult DC who was already financially afloat due to your help and good decisions when a younger adult?

Most parents never stop helping, or giving a few treats to their children.

It makes sense to give a certain sum at a particular time, but it's weird to show no generosity through their life.

Most normal parents (not posters on MN) help out with Uni, with a car, with weddings, deposits, first baby..., however much they can afford. Most normal parents don't normally give you some cash for uni, and nothing else until their death. It's bizarre.

sst1234 · 05/03/2021 00:02

@Lockdownschmockdown

This blown up so much the basic point of the thread has now been lost.

I will put it again and more simply:

As a parent, would you use an extensive surplus sum of money to help an adult DC who was already financially afloat due to your help and good decisions when a younger adult?

Yes by giving them a private education. Honestly, the mind boggles that you really don’t see that as worth more than any inheritance. A private school education can set you up to make your own millions. It’s that much of an advantage, if you choose to make the most of it. If you choose not to make the most of it, even cold hard cash is useless.
JeffTheOracle · 05/03/2021 00:02

@Lockdownschmockdown

This blown up so much the basic point of the thread has now been lost.

I will put it again and more simply:

As a parent, would you use an extensive surplus sum of money to help an adult DC who was already financially afloat due to your help and good decisions when a younger adult?

Depends if the adult child was sitting waiting with outstretched hand. Sounds like you were in which case I would put money away in a trust for their children
Original poster
Lockdownschmockdown · 05/03/2021 00:03

Additionally don’t assume a private school offers a better education than a non-fee paying school. Especially not pre-ofsted.

OP posts:
JosieJarker · 05/03/2021 00:03

Maybe they feel they've done enough for you?
Considering they've done more than most parents can dream of doing to set their kids up.
If you didnt make the most of it thats on you really.
Sounds like you're pretty set anyway.
What more do you actually want?
Considering you don't know whats in the wills?
Do you want a monthly allowance? Or what?

Skippingabeat · 05/03/2021 00:03

They didn't work hard all their lives. They came into money in their forties that allowed them an extravagant life without having to work for the next 40 years! Extremely selfish to have spent it (almost) all on themselves.

If they had taken just 10% and invested it for their daughter, in 40 years it would have been more than the amount they had inherited.

If you win the lottery and don't keep just 10% for your children, I'm sorry but that makes you selfish in my books.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/03/2021 00:03

@ItsWrittenintheStars

I agree with you OP. If I was given millions of pounds my very first thought would be putting the majority into my children’s bank accounts...and I can’t actually believe any parent wouldn’t Confused.
But then presumably when they come of age, they can't spend it either on case they have kids and need to pass it on. So everyone lives in a cheap house with caravan holidays in Skegness for 6 generations whilst passing on million of pounds in inheritance after every death.
RaininSummer · 05/03/2021 00:04

You were very lucky OP I think and your parents very much helped you out. I am late 50s and my lovely mum has given me 1000 pounds twice in my adult life for specific things I needed and my Dad sent me 50 once when I was very broke as a student, both much appreciated . I may inherit half a house one day. You can't expect these things although it does seem that your parents weren't terribly sensible with the money in some ways but they definitely seem to had a great life with it.

Snookie00 · 05/03/2021 00:04

I don’t understand posters who would happily blow such a large sum of money on themselves without sharing it with their family. It seems so consumerist, shallow and selfish. I’d much rather spread my wealth so others can enjoy it too.

sst1234 · 05/03/2021 00:04

@Lockdownschmockdown

Additionally don’t assume a private school offers a better education than a non-fee paying school. Especially not pre-ofsted.
Ok this does it. Officially speechless.
m0therofdragons · 05/03/2021 00:05

I wish my parents a happy and long life with the V money they’ve earned. Never do I see it as my money. My dear friend inherited lots but lost his dad age 7 and mum even he was 21. He’s financially secure but at what cost? I’d not exchange places. My grandmother is 94 (and still healthy) so if dm lives to that age I’ll be at least 69 and dm will still be alive sooo it’ll probably pay for my nursing home Grin (if there’s any left).

SymphonyofShadows · 05/03/2021 00:05

Additionally don’t assume a private school offers a better education than a non-fee paying school. Especially not pre-ofsted

Nobody is assuming anything dear. It’s still money they spent on you. Grow the fuck up and earn your own money.

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 00:05

@Snookie00

It’s all comparative. Many people are saying £25k is a huge sum of cash but have no issue with the parents blowing through millions with nothing to show for it. If I had millions spare then of course I’d share it with my kids. My parents and grandparents would and have too.
It’s not millions though. It started as “several million” then morphed to £2 million. The op doesn’t even know how much it it.

If it’s two million they’ve got an outright owned house and the OP’s private education which has got to have taken up at least a quarter of it if not considerably more (considering the op had a higher than average flat in her 20s do assuming they live somewhere expensive).

You then have 35 years of family holidays and living expenses.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/03/2021 00:06

Most normal parents (not posters on MN) help out with Uni, with a car, with weddings, deposits, first baby..., however much they can afford. Most normal parents don't normally give you some cash for uni, and nothing else until their death. It's bizarre. But op hasn't stated that once they won the lottery they gave her 20k and then refused to ever help her in any other way ever again and are donating their house to the Pig Sanctuary.

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 00:06

@Lockdownschmockdown

Additionally don’t assume a private school offers a better education than a non-fee paying school. Especially not pre-ofsted.
That doesn’t change the fact they spent money on it.