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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance Shame

966 replies

Lockdownschmockdown · 04/03/2021 22:43

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

OP posts:
NoLeafClover · 04/03/2021 23:50

@Snookie00

Interesting all these posters calling you selfish, awful, grabby etc. They sound selfish to me. I enjoy spending my money making myself AND the people I love happy. I can’t imagine living it up when the people I love are struggling. It goes against the value of family and caring for loved ones. People getting their knickers in a twist about £25k - it may seem like a fortune to some people but even 20 years ago it really wasn’t a life changing sum of money.
Are you serious? It would be an absolute life changing amount of money to us. Absolutely life changing. How privileged and lucky are you that 25k is but a drop in the bucket?
sst1234 · 04/03/2021 23:50

@PegasusReturns

People on MN are really odd about parents supporting children and there’s a definite view that you throw children to the lions once they turn 18, regardless of whether they might be in education or otherwise.

But I agree with you OP I cannot imagine not wanting to ensure my DC are set up.

Quite the opposite. People on MN are super protective, however draw the line at depending on your parents in adulthood, which is what expecting an inheritance is.
SleepingStandingUp · 04/03/2021 23:51

@Skippingabeat

I absolutely agree with you OP. You're not grabby or entitled and your parents sound incredibly selfish that they inherited millions and all they gave you was £20k. I would never imagine doing that to my kids.
Having worked hard all her life to send her to private school, maybe they didn't want to jeopardize her work ethic by handing over enough cash to enable her to be lazy? She was on the property ladder in her 20s because of them and despite being a single parent in a low paid job, owns several properties. I'm not sure she's as hard off as she'd like people to believe
Original poster
Lockdownschmockdown · 04/03/2021 23:52

@Maves I mentioned the teeth as they cost over£100k, possibly combined with minor cosmetic procedures which I am thankful they had and out in to show greater context.

OP posts:
sst1234 · 04/03/2021 23:52

OP, a private school education would be enough to set most people up for life. Why was the not enough for you?

Womencanlift · 04/03/2021 23:53

So you have had a private education, been gifted a house deposit and managed to build a property portfolio and still want more

I hate the ‘check your privilege’ phrase but this is definitely correct for this OP

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 04/03/2021 23:54

You went to private school, they already gave you money albeit indirectly.

As somebody from a working class background and who is still working class, I'm a bit on the fence about this. Of course, the theory is that paying to send your children to private school will prepare them for a better career, higher income etc.; but is that a given? And how do you know that's what the children would have chosen themselves in hindsight? Is it not the case that some parents send their kids to PS - even though there are very good state schools in the locality - because they like the prestige it gives them?

If, having left PS, you end up going into the same career/job as you would have done anyway, have they actually given you anything inherently greater? Probably oversimplifying it a lot, but if I called for a taxi to take me and a month's worth of shopping home from Tesco, I could theoretically be amazingly privileged enough to be sent a brand new Bentley with chauffeur in top hat and tails - but it wouldn't actually matter any more to me than if they'd sent a polite, competent person wearing jeans and a t-shirt in a Mondeo to do the job.

JosieJarker · 04/03/2021 23:54

They gave you 20k and a private education.
My Dad died when I was 9, me and my brother got 1k each 20 years later..
I wont inherit anything else.
Maybe be grateful for the great start you had that most people don't get.
Honestly you do sound grabby and spoilt.

JustLyra · 04/03/2021 23:55

So, you had a private education

In your twenties your parents gave you a deposit which allowed you to buy a flat that cost twice the National house price average at the time

In your 40s you are comfortable enough to work in a low paid job you love, you have a property portfolio and you are likely to inherit anything left from your parents owned outright home, but you feel hard done by?

What exactly do you think they should have done?

If you have a property portfolio how would 50k be life-changing?

DrMadelineMaxwell · 04/03/2021 23:55

20k in property 25 years ago is v generous.
Our house is worth 125k now and cost us 25k 25 years ago

whysotriggered · 04/03/2021 23:55

I personally understand where the OP is coming from, I can't imagine not wanting to give a fair chunk to my children. I am unlikely to win the lottery or come into huge amounts of money but I plan to give as much to my kids (and other loved ones) as possible while I am around and leave very little in terms of an inheritance. @Lockdownschmockdown It's done now and I would say do your best to let it go.

Seasidemumma77 · 04/03/2021 23:56

Far better your parents enjoyed their money/lives than a chunk of their money be handed to government in inheritance tax! You can be thankful to receive anything as an inheritance but should never be expected

therealteamdebbie · 04/03/2021 23:56

echt
I am not repeating the insults from this thread, you know how to read. Hmm

I would be surprised if a few posts didn't get deleted, abuse and bullying is not acceptable.

SymphonyofShadows · 04/03/2021 23:56

FFS they gave you the best of starts with a private education. Not their fault that you squandered your potential. How much of their ‘millions’ would that have taken in today’s money?

FeelthewrathofthesuperRad · 04/03/2021 23:57

@Lockdownschmockdown do you know for sure there is no money put aside for you or kids?

There very well could be

Sapho47 · 04/03/2021 23:57

So private education,
Cash gifts,
Property portfolio,
Chose job based on "love of job" rather than money.

Complains of low pay and parents not supporting them....at some point you have to take responsibility for your own life choices.

Want more money, sell a property, get a higher paying job don't go begging from mum and dad

Original poster
Lockdownschmockdown · 04/03/2021 23:57

This blown up so much the basic point of the thread has now been lost.

I will put it again and more simply:

As a parent, would you use an extensive surplus sum of money to help an adult DC who was already financially afloat due to your help and good decisions when a younger adult?

OP posts:
Snookie00 · 04/03/2021 23:57

It’s all comparative. Many people are saying £25k is a huge sum of cash but have no issue with the parents blowing through millions with nothing to show for it. If I had millions spare then of course I’d share it with my kids. My parents and grandparents would and have too.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 04/03/2021 23:57

I see your point OP. There are many on here who will say they don’t owe you anything. But not me.

echt · 04/03/2021 23:57

@therealteamdebbie

echt I am not repeating the insults from this thread, you know how to read. Hmm

I would be surprised if a few posts didn't get deleted, abuse and bullying is not acceptable.

Report them then.
SleepingStandingUp · 04/03/2021 23:58

@Lockdownschmockdown

This blown up so much the basic point of the thread has now been lost.

I will put it again and more simply:

As a parent, would you use an extensive surplus sum of money to help an adult DC who was already financially afloat due to your help and good decisions when a younger adult?

Yes, my letting them inherit my nice big house when I die.
therealteamdebbie · 04/03/2021 23:58

Are you serious? It would be an absolute life changing amount of money to us. Absolutely life changing. How privileged and lucky are you that 25k is but a drop in the bucket?

I am not sure that's relevant at all.
A 25k gift when your parents only inherit 50k is generous.
25k when you get a few millions...

Put it another way, if you win 5000, would you give 2,500 to your children... or £250? Most people wouldn't even think twice.

Sapho47 · 04/03/2021 23:58

It’s more the desire to have a ball without considering their offspring much that I can’t relate to. I’d sooner live in a caravan and give my kids everything.

Maybe your kids aren't as unpleasant as theirs?

Original poster
Lockdownschmockdown · 04/03/2021 23:59

Also as already stated, the 20k was one sixth of the cost of a one bed flat and i am very grateful for it,

OP posts:
FeelthewrathofthesuperRad · 05/03/2021 00:00

@Lockdownschmockdown

This blown up so much the basic point of the thread has now been lost.

I will put it again and more simply:

As a parent, would you use an extensive surplus sum of money to help an adult DC who was already financially afloat due to your help and good decisions when a younger adult?

Depending on the money involved and how set up adult child was, I may put money in trust for grandchildren to have.

If adult child was not set up I may put money in trust for them. Would depend if they were the type to piss it away or not.

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