Inheritance Shame

[Lockdownschmockdown]

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

@JustLyra I'm still waiting on my apology from another rude poster! I complained about FIL taking £80k from his Mother and she said I was horrible. My post wasn't super clear but apologising and understanding isnt hard either. My FIL was largely absent from DHs life and abusive when he was around. I do resent FIL taking money under the guise it was for my DH. I don't want the money for myself but know it's my DC who are missing out. These situations can be complex.

I do find the inheritance threads weird when everyone involved is still alive.

So rather than your parents enjoying their life with money gifted to them, you instead want them to live a moderate existence so that you can live it up on the inheritance instead? Will you bestow upon your children the same i.e., not living your life but sitting on any money you may receive so as to gift it on at your death? I really think the intention of the people whose money it was to begin with was to benefit and enhance the lives of the people they personally knew and loved, not those who weren't even alive during their lifetime.

@GreenlandTheMovie

I think some posters don't realise how upsetting it to be in the midst of such lavish spending and waste of an inheritance. My GF would be so upset that the proceeds of his farm have been wasted on so many new cars, motor homes, foreign holiday homes, Caribbean cruises, other exotic holidays, etc. Its just awful to see in real life.

Worse still, my parents lie to us 3 siblings that they received anything, or from DUncle, who worked for years to build up his business. Their expectation certainly was that their money would be passed down to the younger generation to help with education and housing, and they would be absolutely disgusted by what my parents have done. I'm low contact because I just can't stand their constant implausible boasting that taking early retirement at 50 from computer repairs and teaching jobs funds a multi million pound retirement.

Ugh and yes to the dental implants. They were all set to get their extensive dental work done before covid. No explaining to them that the risk of bleeding in a seventy year old makes it risky. There are plenty of places willing to take their money. They've just bought a 3 month old pedigree puppy because they were "bored" - the poor thing is so obviously going to end up rehomed when they realise they can't cope with a lively puppy because they're in their seventies.

But they have lost all their friends because of their constant boasting so have no reality check on their constant spending, and they really have convinced themselves that they are somehow special and deserve it. They are disdainful of any pensioners who haven't done so well and have never helped anyone in their lives.

So unless you have experience of having to sit and listen to people like this, if advise caution in being too scathing to the OP. Unearned money can do strange things to people. Not good things, unless you are very careful. But I do think that inheritances should at least partly be passed down to younger generations and not squandered on endless consumer items.

OP is going to inherit a property worth at least £1m. Not nothing.

Sending you to a private school and giving you a deposit on a house your parents have already shown you great generosity and given you a better start in life than many can expect.

My parents did very little for me when I was young and I had to make my own way in the world and pay for my own training and education. I think there is far too much taking for granted on the "bank of mum and dad" these days from younger people who dont have the backbone to do what I did. If Id been selfish enough to have children I would have encouraged them to get on by continuing their education and training in a good solid profession or trade. However I would not have handed them large sums of money on a plate because I believe it gives young people unrealistic expectations. Its a bloody hard world out there and better they should work for what they have.

I was actually responding to a poster who rudely accused me of"waitingaround or an inheritance". It's really offensive and deliberately giady to say that to someone who expects to get absolutely nothing and has gone low contact with her parents because they would rather live their own life. I have never got any financial help from my parents.

True philanthropists get pleasure from anonymously donating so as to make peoole'lives better. I actually think it's a little sad to get sucked into the idea that only exiensice, shiny, new things can give you pleasure. There is often just as much enjoyment in the things that are free in life, such as your family enjoying spending time wuth you, or getting a bargain.My parents laugh at me for doing my own DIY and having a new car, but even though I have a good job, I know its necessary to be frugal to do things such as buying a nice house.

As for the puppy. My parents hate walking and barely leave the house. They also like to spend 4 months of the year abroad in their holiday home and take at least 2 foreign holidays in addition. I know that puppy will be rehomed in a couple of months, once the novelty wears off and I'm shocked they have done this. They have history for buying new stuff and getting bored with it after a few months and buying a newer model. I've lost track of the cars and motor homes they've lost tens of thousands on by doing just that. They will almost certainly try to get one of us 3 siblings to look after the puppy while they're not there, but we all work full time and don't want a dog. I hope that they don't do that, but I cannot think of 2 people less suited to having a large breed, lively young puppy. They have no prior experience of dog ownership and DF quite often talked about how he couldn't see the point of animals. I think it's highly irresponsible. You should never buy a puppy on a whim, especially when it won't suit your lifestyle.

@TeenTitan007

I feel like private schooling/own flat/comfy job etc are distracting from the true issue which is: parents WON £2Million and gave £0 to their own child. She may not inherit anything in 10-15 years time if care fees are needed. Unbelievable!

@TeenTitan007 I did the maths earlier in the thread. £1m house minus 2 lots of 10 years in a care home at £704 per week (current average) would still leave OP with a £270K inheritance.

Most adults do not go into residential care.

And certainly 2 adults in their 80s who are still healthy enough to be going to the Maldives (in April apparently - another of OP’s oddities) are extremely unlikely to pull in 10 years each of inheritance sapping residential care.

It seems extremely unlikely that OP won’t inherit a 6 figure sum.

Notice OP has been very quite on her property portfolio. Nobody uses the word portfolio about one BTL 🤷🏻‍♀️

I expect if you add up OP’s own home and her “portfolio”, she’s got a figure to rival her parents £1m anyway. Perhaps she should be supporting them now? 😉

Don’t forget the original house that their gifted deposit enabled her to buy was, in 1995, double the price of the average home, and higher than London average. That property is probably long gone, but carry that value (and the 90s / early 00s price boom) through subsequent property changes, and I think it’s fair to assume that OP’s own equity is somewhere between a fuck of a lot, and a fuckton.

OP I don’t think you come across as ‘grabby’. I think you have a point. If they won £2million and they didn’t share any of it with their child, that is odd to me, whether they paid for your education or not. To spend tens of thousands on teeth but nothing to you is weird! To basically piss it up the wall!
If I’d won that much money there’s no way I wouldn’t share it with my kids.

I just don't agree with that MedlyDedly. L tuition is no longer available, neither are university grants and you need a university education for many jobs that dudnt require it in previous generations.

I got a student loan, like most of my peers. It is effectively a tax. This means you have to weigh up whether university is worthwhile for you.
In my case it was instrumental in getting a well-paid job so I don't regret it.
My parental help was limited to me bringing a load of washing back when I went to visit them. I did not have or expect my grandparents inheritance to fund it.
Yes, I missed out on certain perks of the university lifestyle, but my primary reason for going was to get a degree and a better job that I would have gotten without it.
It sounds like OP had plenty on investment in her future and chose to take her "low paid" at almost 50k job, rejecting the higher paid one.
The extra money from that better job could have funded her children through university.
Her grandparents should have made the choice that she didn't make?

My Nan and Grandad bought me up, we had a nice big house, trips abroad each year, I had nice clothes and thought myself so very lucky.

When my Grandad died, my Nan sold their house for £550,000. Gave her children including me as she bought me up £30,000 each. Had an annexe built on the side of my aunts and then spent her money on holidays, enjoying the casino etc.

She died just like my grandad did, early 60s, cancer. I'm glad that there was nothing left when she passed, her and my Grandad lived their lives to the fullest.

I think you're being unfair OP.

YABU. You don't even know the details of your parents' financial situation and you're making quite a few assumptions. As others have said, your above-average salary is hardly a low income, and your parents have "set you up" in a variety of ways: a private education, the deposit for a house when you were quite young, etc. But you begrudge them taking the opportunity to travel? Not to mention dental treatment?

When my parents died, it turned out they had more money than I had any idea about. Not a huge fortune, but a comfortable amount. During their lifetimes they supported my feckless siblings well into adulthood (into middle age, in fact). I can only imagine that my parents were so concerned about having to continue this support that they didn't dare spend much for themselves. That made me very sad for them. I would much rather they had enjoyed life a bit more, rather than pouring everything into their ungrateful adult children.

I was financially independent from the age of 21, never took a penny from my parents. And I wish they had enjoyed the money they had when they were alive.

If my parents won over £1m, I know they'd pay off our mortgage (approx £100k left).

What kind of win would produce c 2M plus 35/40 years ago?

If it was in the papers as the OP states surely she would know the amount?

Firstly, it was 'inherited' then it became 'kind of a lottery win'

MMmmmmm

I was going to say this:

Op, are you sure the money has all gone? Could there be a trust for your children?

I can see where you are coming from. If we had a win like the one you describe and only had one child, we would be happy to share with them. As we would now, with our own larger family.

But, I am doubting the detail now.

I don't think you're being grabby.

My mum makes lovely gestures as she is a baby boomer, worth a few million.

They're not huge. For example today she said she'll but DS's first high school uniform, as she did for my nephew. We can more than afford it but we are extremely touched by the gesture, and I love that in years to come we will look at his first day at school with that gesture in mind.

I can't wait to spoil my DILs and grandchildren.

Having said that you have had the opportunity to stand up on your two feet which other trust fund brats haven't. That will be contributing to your self esteem and self respect.

But yes. Where there is a massive discrepancy, it's a shame they don't share.

'It was meant to say they’ve made it last 35 years - hardly reckless spending as that’s about 57k a year'

@JustLyra - given that on this thread 50k is a low income for one adult it sounds like the OP's parents have actually been living on the breadline!

ParkheadParadise This is the case for many people I think .There seems to be an expectation that massive amounts of money will be passed on! Your Mum had 3 jobs and cared for all of you what a fantastic acheivement! They sound lovely and supportive .That is a wonderful inheritance to pass down I think .All their love and kindness and wonderful memories .Treat yourself with your hundred quid and think of them!

Sorry I haven’t RTF because it’s 30 pages long so apologies if this has already been said but you’re parents are 80. They need to sign the house over to you like yesterday! Google inheritance tax and 7 years plus if they don’t own the house then it can’t be sold for care fees. It needs to be done NOW! Get a solicitor now. Now. You’re running out of time to avoid a 40% tax bill!!

@JustLyra

But I agree with you OP I cannot imagine not wanting to ensure my DC are set up.

Private education and a substantial house deposit is pretty set up.

Plus their house which she will sell !

What kind of win would produce c 2M plus 35/40 years ago?

The pools.

I am at work but have read every reply. Thank you.

The misleading details are down to me being deliberately vague and rounding dates up/down for fear of being outed. This has also led to a misunderstanding of the value of my first flat. It was not particularly big or posh, neither was it in Bond Street but it was a great place to live as a student and very different from the student residencies some friends lived in. It was not uncommon for people to be living in their parents flats though, at least not amongst my uni peers.

My parents gave me the 20k which I used to buy a flat when I first went to uni in central London. I was just 18.

The 50k would change my life as I am asset rich but cash poor. I realise this will not always be the case and I am more privileged than most.

I have a great relationship with my parents and don’t expect anything from them. I am pleased they got to enjoy life.

When I compare myself to those around me (home counties) I am certain I am on a low income in comparison.

I haven't read the whole thread, and while I don't think anyone should expect an inheritance, I understand why you would feel annoyed if they inherited several millions and gave you £20k out of that.

The baby boomer generation on the whole are quite self-serving and materialistic, I've found. They may have worked hard but the young today also have to, except that they also have pay a lot for university, jobs are harder to get, housing is way more expensive etc!

@Lockdownschmockdown

I am at work but have read every reply. Thank you.

The misleading details are down to me being deliberately vague and rounding dates up/down for fear of being outed. This has also led to a misunderstanding of the value of my first flat. It was not particularly big or posh, neither was it in Bond Street but it was a great place to live as a student and very different from the student residencies some friends lived in. It was not uncommon for people to be living in their parents flats though, at least not amongst my uni peers.

My parents gave me the 20k which I used to buy a flat when I first went to uni in central London. I was just 18.

The 50k would change my life as I am asset rich but cash poor. I realise this will not always be the case and I am more privileged than most.

I have a great relationship with my parents and don’t expect anything from them. I am pleased they got to enjoy life.

When I compare myself to those around me (home counties) I am certain I am on a low income in comparison.

I'm sorry OP, you are doing yourself no favours. Even in the Home Countries the average wage is only marginally higher than the national average.

What you are comparing yourself to is your other 'rich' friends, so no wonder you feel poorer. I'm sorry, but having your parents pay for a fancy first flat, private school, allow you to own a property portfolio and potentially leave you with a £1mill+ house when they pass, YABVU.

I'm gobsmacked by your entitlement . You received a private education. House deposit and will get a share of their house and it's not generous enough for you. Grabby doesn't even cover it.

I think if they won the money rather then earnt it then yes it would be nice to give you some . I certainly would give it to my children but as I said I'm thread my mum doesn't feel the same even though she expects me to help her out with everything!! I'm not expecting , hoping or wanting her money but if she have some to my kids I'd be very happy .People are different , a lot of my friends get big handouts , just the way it is I guess

How do you know they have gone through all of it though? Is it possible that they may have put some aside for you .When DM died she left me 30k separately to the house value .She had saved up for a long while for me out of her PT wages! You have been educated privately ,something unobtainable for many people .Currently running at just 7% of the population! Try and count your blessings and you most likely will have a good amount of the house value anyway!