Inheritance Shame

[Lockdownschmockdown]

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

It’s understandable that you’re miffed. It was good of them to give you 20k but really, who wouldn’t give their child 20k if they had it to spare?

You’re a struggling single parent. What would have been a small amount for them could have been the difference between a comfortable life and one in which you are constantly worried and insecure.

But I suppose one could ask where you draw the line and everyone’s line is in a different place. Also we don’t know the exact amount of money that they had or what copious amounts of travel means. My parents used to go on a fancy cruise once a year and I’d never be resentful about that but if they were spending 50k or more on holidays every year then that would be different.

Don’t feel ashamed though and don’t come on Mumsnet if you don’t want to be shamed! One thing I’ve learned in the last ten years is that you don’t need the opinion of people you don’t know and respect. Why put yourself through that? If I came on here and told everyone about my life, I’m sure I’d be shamed, but no one really knows the reality and no one but you can know whether you’re a good person.

You were given annual holidays abroad, a private education and a very comfortable home and then a house deposit!? It sounds like your parents gave you an awful lot as a child. You're an adult now - time to fend for yourself.

Their money is theirs to do with as they see fit. They don't owe you anything and you are entitled to nothing. It sounds like they probably didn't have much spare money for their own fun when they were raising you and instead prioritised your formal education and your experiences.

Sorry that you are stuck in a low-paying job but so are many of us and we have had a fraction - if any - of what you grew up with.

P.S. I would be interested to know what you classify as low-paying...

[quote JustLyra]@GreenlandTheMovie The OP’s parents haven’t run through the money though...

They’ve set her up, and she’s in line to inherit a million pound house. So between her property portfolio and that her kids should do well too.

She’s in an incredibly fortunate position. Yet came on here pretending to be a low paid struggling single parent.[/quote]
I am aware of that, but was also giving my experiences. I haven't, and won't be, given anything, although that was my GF's intention. He simply trusted my parents to help people out and didn't put it in a will. I dont really care, not being "helped" has made me more independent, and it affords me the right to criticise what I see happening.

I do recognise the same sort of reckless, lavish spending by the OP's parents though. The OP mentions they are running out of money now, so spending 100k on implants is quite feckless. If they go into care, the house will have to be sold to fund it. They will know that. They may also choose to re mortgage the house to fund their lifestyles.

There are a lot of people out there willing to take money off people like this, and by that I mean people who haven't worked for what they have and who don't realise you can get the same thing cheaper with more effort.

My parents have mocked and criticised me for having a perfectly good second hand car. One day it wouldn't start due to a battery problem 8 miles away from their home and DF refused to come out and jump start it for me because they were having a bbq and, in his words I should "work harder to afford a better car". (I have a full time professional job, certainly a better job than he ever had). I'm still puzzled as to what he meant - maybe I should fit in an evening pub job alongside being a university lecturer?

Do you realise how upsetting it is to see what inherited wealth does to some people? It's just awful to have to observe it. This sort of thing is why I'm relatively low contact now. There's only so much showing off about the new toy they've bought that I can take.

It’s normal to be jealous but they did provide for you more than a lot of parents can and do. Most people don’t go to private school or get lump sums.

There are generational differences with wealth like my parents have both working class jobs but they were able to buy a really nice house. I wish I could have that opportunity. Those issues are more about the wider economy rather than individuals at fault though.

@Booboobibles

It’s understandable that you’re miffed. It was good of them to give you 20k but really, who wouldn’t give their child 20k if they had it to spare?

You’re a struggling single parent. What would have been a small amount for them could have been the difference between a comfortable life and one in which you are constantly worried and insecure.

But I suppose one could ask where you draw the line and everyone’s line is in a different place. Also we don’t know the exact amount of money that they had or what copious amounts of travel means. My parents used to go on a fancy cruise once a year and I’d never be resentful about that but if they were spending 50k or more on holidays every year then that would be different.

Don’t feel ashamed though and don’t come on Mumsnet if you don’t want to be shamed! One thing I’ve learned in the last ten years is that you don’t need the opinion of people you don’t know and respect. Why put yourself through that? If I came on here and told everyone about my life, I’m sure I’d be shamed, but no one really knows the reality and no one but you can know whether you’re a good person.

A struggling single parent?

Her “low paid job” is 50k and she has a property portfolio...

@FOJN

We are now taxed more heavily than any other generations in near living memory, yet the inheritance tax regime has hardly changed

Why do people post this nonsense? Does it get written down somewhere and people don't bother to fact check it because it suits their argument.

And not forgetting the 15% mortgage interest rates in the late 70s.

Wow. I hope my kids are never this entitled.

@whatausername I can help you there!
Please have your 🤣 and 🙄 emojis ready.

OP gave her “low” salary earlier. It’s a bit “left” of £50K - so, nearly £50K.

And she chose to take a career change a pay cut too - previously she had a higher salary that was high enough to help her with establishing a property portfolio.

What are you going for? 🤣 or 🙄?

*They've just bought a 3 month old pedigree puppy because they were "bored" - the poor thing is so obviously going to end up rehomed when they realise they can't cope with a lively puppy because they're in their seventies

Yes, their 70s. Perfectly young enough to cope with a lively puppy - a long walk every day and a ball, job done. That post oozes envy and entitlement from every pore.*

It reeks of someone waiting for their inheritance to me. How dare they have long term plans like taking on a puppy.

Was their windfall an inheritance? If so, YANBU. I find this attitude of-putting too.

@GreenlandTheMovie

Do you realise how upsetting it is to see what inherited wealth does to some people? It's just awful to have to observe it.

What you mean like people who end up so entitled they call a 50k salary a “low paid job” and think their parents should give them money even though they have a property portfolio thanks to the help given by said parents?

I can imagine exactly how upsetting it is for her parents if they know that.

As for the OP’s parents “reckless spending” - they’ve made 2 million last 35 years. That’s just over 57k a year... in fact it’s quite comparable to the OP’s own income given she was very high earning in her twenties apparently and now earns 50k plus her property portfolio income.

Given how many people run through money making it last this long, and the Op actually has no idea how much they’ve got left, doesn’t suggest they were as feckless as the OP tried to imply.

@Booboobibles why do you say the OP is struggling?

She has said herself that she manages perfectly well. She’s been dishonest in starting by representing herself as low paid, but to be fair to her - she has never I think said she’s struggling.

She’s owned a property since 1996, with a big deposit from her parents - and will have seen a huge increase in equity in the boom years that followed. (albeit that she may have traded houses)

That “starter home” was a flat that cost over 2x the average house price at the time, and was also more than the average London price.

She earns almost £50K.

She chose to take a salary cut and previously earned even more.

She has a property portfolio.

Why do you think she’s struggling?

My MiL had a large inheritance in her 60's. She spent nothing of it and saved it all up for DH and his brother to inherit. Unfortunately she developed physical un-health, serious mental illness and dementia on top of all that. She spent the last 8 years of her life in a specialist care home and it took up very nearly all her savings and the value of her house too. DH didn't regret getting only a few thousand for his inheritance he regretted that his mother had not spent her money on cruises and making her house nicer when she had her health and mental capacity. You will inherit your share of the house I presume, so I hope that this doesn't go in care fees as they become older.

I read some more of the thread. Yes, I still think you are being unreasonable and grabby.

How much money is enough for you? I doubt a 'mere' £50k would suffice. Half the assumed £2m? Why shouldn't they spend it? You make parenthood sound like martyrdom. They have given you every chance to have a great life and, as two individuals with their own wants, desires and dreams, have now seized a chance to enjoy themselves.

Btw, £50k is far above the average salary in the UK. Actually, as I type this I realise how laughable your post is, a socially rewarding career and on £50k. Fucking hell. You are bored and on a wind-up.

@Booboobibles also - what part of the assets and income above do you interest as making the OP, “constantly worried and insecure”?

You’re really projecting here. OP is just fine. She said herself that she sees this as a moral question, not one of actual money.

Those poor little rich girl vibes are coming off you in waves op.

Your parents got you on the housing ladder at a young age, gave you a private education and you most likely stand to inherit their million pound home.

Now factor in the 'slightly left of 50K' salary and property portfolio...

Yeah. I feel incredibly sorry for you 🤦‍♀️

As for asking if people would prioritise their kids financial future...Your parents did with the 20 grand and education.
Get a grip.

I hope you aren't teaching your DC such an attitude, OP.

As PP said timescales don’t add up. OP said her parents came in to the money 35 years ago, and gave her £20000 25 years ago. Later she says they gave her the £20000 before they came in to the money.

@WhirlingGerbil

*They've just bought a 3 month old pedigree puppy because they were "bored" - the poor thing is so obviously going to end up rehomed when they realise they can't cope with a lively puppy because they're in their seventies

Yes, their 70s. Perfectly young enough to cope with a lively puppy - a long walk every day and a ball, job done. That post oozes envy and entitlement from every pore.*

It reeks of someone waiting for their inheritance to me. How dare they have long term plans like taking on a puppy.

I am not "waiting on an inheritance" - exactly what part of having a full time professional job and being entirely independent from my parents from the age of 18 do you find it difficult to understand?The not waiting for an inheritance is what affords me the ability to below contact. Its priceless.

I'm so obviously not going to inherit anything as it will go in care home fees. Do you normally exierience problems with your written comprehension?

What I would have expected to see from decent grandparents is, some help for DS's children, one of whom is literally working her way through uni now.

@Starwind74

As PP said timescales don’t add up. OP said her parents came in to the money 35 years ago, and gave her £20000 25 years ago. Later she says they gave her the £20000 before they came in to the money.

And she’d left home by the time they got the money 35 years ago, but is now approaching her late 40s like they were...

Actually maybe that’s why they’ve not given anymore?

I mean, if the OP had left home, was doing her high earning city job and was financially independent by the age of 10 then maybe they assumed no help from them was needed? 😂

You got 20k more than I’ll ever get!

The difference is though...that I don’t care.
I had a lovely childhood full of wonderful memories (thanks to my mum, not my dad)
It’s not their job to provide for you or give you anything as an adult. I think perhaps you should be grateful for what you got rather than being disappointed by what you didn’t.

[quote JustLyra]@GreenlandTheMovie

Do you realise how upsetting it is to see what inherited wealth does to some people? It's just awful to have to observe it.

What you mean like people who end up so entitled they call a 50k salary a “low paid job” and think their parents should give them money even though they have a property portfolio thanks to the help given by said parents?

I can imagine exactly how upsetting it is for her parents if they know that.

As for the OP’s parents “reckless spending” - they’ve made 2 million last 35 years. That’s just over 57k a year... in fact it’s quite comparable to the OP’s own income given she was very high earning in her twenties apparently and now earns 50k plus her property portfolio income.

Given how many people run through money making it last this long, and the Op actually has no idea how much they’ve got left, doesn’t suggest they were as feckless as the OP tried to imply.[/quote]
The OP's parents haven't "made 2 million in the past 35 years". They've inherited and spent it. They have spent money that other people worked hard to make. Thats the whole premise of the thread....

Do you normally exierience problems with your written comprehension?

@GreenlandTheMovie Are you normally so rude?

The OP's parents haven't "made 2 million in the past 35 years". They've inherited and spent it. They have spent money that other people worked hard to make. Thats the whole premise of the thread....

It was meant to say they’ve made it last 35 years - hardly reckless spending as that’s about 57k a year

You’ve got such a sneery tone

In fact @GreenlandTheMovie it does say they’ve made it last 35 years...

Do you normally exierience problems with your written comprehension?