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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance Shame

966 replies

Lockdownschmockdown · 04/03/2021 22:43

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

OP posts:
ChronicallyCurious · 05/03/2021 09:57

Wow. YABU.

They did help you out with the 20k. You’ll inherit their house. You are not on a low income.

Leodot · 05/03/2021 09:58

I’ve just read your updates. You’re unreasonable for saying you’re in a low paid job when you have a salary of 50k!!!

Ilovelove · 05/03/2021 09:58
  1. It's not your money and should never be viewed as such.
  2. They gave you love.
  3. They gave you amazing opportunities.
  4. You won the jackpot in life.
  5. Live your life from these springboards - don't tether yourself to 'what-ifs, and regrets, about something you have no control over.
LoudestCat14 · 05/03/2021 09:59

@LoveYourUsername

I don't know if I understand the timelines here.

OP must be mid- late 40s- the age her parents came into some money, she says.

So that is now 35 years ago as they are in their 80s.

So they came into money when she was maybe 10 years old?

But she also says that [at that age] they worked hard and sent her to a private school.

Presumably that was using some of the money they won/ inherited?

It was millions- she's not sure how much but thinks it was £2M perhaps, and thinks they gave her £20K as a house deposit.

Why is this not adding up to me in terms of timings and the fact she just doesn't know the actual figures?

And it's a bit late 35 years after their 'win/ inheritance' to start moaning that they didn't give you enough Hmm

Well spotted. I'll await the MN 'we're taking this down to look behind the scenes' post.
JustLyra · 05/03/2021 09:59

@LoveYourUsername

I don't know if I understand the timelines here.

OP must be mid- late 40s- the age her parents came into some money, she says.

So that is now 35 years ago as they are in their 80s.

So they came into money when she was maybe 10 years old?

But she also says that [at that age] they worked hard and sent her to a private school.

Presumably that was using some of the money they won/ inherited?

It was millions- she's not sure how much but thinks it was £2M perhaps, and thinks they gave her £20K as a house deposit.

Why is this not adding up to me in terms of timings and the fact she just doesn't know the actual figures?

And it's a bit late 35 years after their 'win/ inheritance' to start moaning that they didn't give you enough Hmm

I don’t think the OP knows the timelines.

She’s approaching the age they were. They were in their 40s and are now in their 80s.

They got the money 35 years ago, but the OP had already left home.

Also they gave her the deposit 25 years ago, but it was also before the win/inheritance

Spidey66 · 05/03/2021 10:00

Maybe in their eyes they have given you your inheritance by giving you a private education and a house deposit? I bought my house 25 years ago, my (then widowed) mum gave me 3k, which I wasn't expecting and was thrilled with.

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2021 10:01

@LoveYourUsername

I don't know if I understand the timelines here.

OP must be mid- late 40s- the age her parents came into some money, she says.

So that is now 35 years ago as they are in their 80s.

So they came into money when she was maybe 10 years old?

But she also says that [at that age] they worked hard and sent her to a private school.

Presumably that was using some of the money they won/ inherited?

It was millions- she's not sure how much but thinks it was £2M perhaps, and thinks they gave her £20K as a house deposit.

Why is this not adding up to me in terms of timings and the fact she just doesn't know the actual figures?

And it's a bit late 35 years after their 'win/ inheritance' to start moaning that they didn't give you enough Hmm

Well spotted. It doesn’t make sense when you write it like that.

In addition. She made out to be a low earner, when she’s not, and then dropped in a property portfolio and says they are running out of money. But going to the Maldives next month.

BertiesShoes · 05/03/2021 10:01

@Hattych
My FIL recently got £80k from his Mother which I know will never be passed on, and is basically just allowing him to never work. His selfishness annoys me.

What an awful sense of entitlement. If anyone is selfish, it is you - expecting your FIL to not use his money to stop working so he can pass it on. Why do you think you are entitled to his money?

I am about to retire in my late 50s, some of the money to fund it has come from my inheritance, but only a small part, most has come from DH and I being careful, not wasting money and investing wisely.

Some of my inheritance has already been drip fed to my kids ISAs, and they may get more, but I want to make sure they also work hard and don’t expect money handed to them.

If either of them told us to carry on working (to ensure that our money “was passed on” rather than allowing us a comfortable retirement) then we would be changing our wills quicker than you can say “leave it to the dogs home”

Op, I never had a penny when my parents were alive, I bought my own house without their help, as did DH. My DB got given a large deposit and monthly allowance, cos he didn’t want to work. Guess who will have the most secure retirement - the one who was ‘kept’ whilst his parents were alive, but is now using up his inheritance to survive, or the one who got nothing and worked hard for every penny?

bigbluebus · 05/03/2021 10:02

One of the saddest things about receiving an inheritance(not in the sums OP is talking about) from my parents (apart from the fact it meant they were no longer here) was that they'd saved up money that they could have spent on themselves. When my DF died suddenly I was worried if DM would have enough to live on. I was surprised to find DM had £40k sitting in the Building Society which could have been used to make her life more enjoyable.
Your parents have given you a good education and a house deposit. Nothing else is a given. One thing I have taught my DS is that no one can expect to get an inheritance - if you get one it's a bonus but never dream about it.

Dee2997 · 05/03/2021 10:06

Wow. I’m sorry op your sound a bit entitled. Your parents spent their money living their life and you sound like you had a privileged upbringing. They’ve already given you money for a house deposit, some people aren’t fortunate enough to that and I assume their house will be your eventually. YABU.

Blindstupid · 05/03/2021 10:06

So OP has now done a runner ... probably because she’s had it confirmed that she’s a grabby spoilt cow.

For those saying the parents should have given her more, set her up more ... why?? They worked very hard to give her a private education, big house to grow up in, lovely holidays ... they gave her a huge sum of money to get her on the property ladder - OP is doing very well for herself - probably all down to her parents good grounding!

They had a windfall which they chose to RETIRE early with ... do you think they should have given OP a chunk of their windfall and delayed retiring for 10-15 years?? Not likely - they used their money fir their own life AND set their daughter up at the same time!

harriethoyle · 05/03/2021 10:08

@bigbluebus this is EXACTLY what I felt when DM died - I felt so sorry that she hadn't spent some of her money to make her life more comfortable, or happier, or easier. It broke my heart a bit.

Hattych · 05/03/2021 10:09

@BertiesShoes - I think my initial post wasn't very clear. FIL has been an absent and when he's around abusive parent to my DH. He asked (his alive Mother ) for the money to 'invest' for DH but instead used it to stop working at the only real job he's ever had. He's barely worked a day in his life. I'm really proud of my DH who has built an amazing life for us, when FIL has only taken. I'm not greedy but it's hard to stomach seeing how he is taking away from his own Mother who has not been frivolous with money. I'd never deny anyone decent retirement!

I posted in support of OP as I know these situations can be complicated. It's harder to be 'ok' about family money when other abuse has happened.

ChaToilLeam · 05/03/2021 10:09

You were lucky to have loving parents who provided you with a good education and a house deposit to get you started. My lovely parents were never able to afford these things. I will get a small inheritance one day but it will be at the cost of my parents and I hope that day will come later rather than sooner. Sorry, you sound grabby as hell. Live your life without expecting an inheritance and if you get one, it’s an extra.

LockdownIsDragging · 05/03/2021 10:10

@Leodot

I’ve just read your updates. You’re unreasonable for saying you’re in a low paid job when you have a salary of 50k!!!
This with bells on, you have a very distorted view of the world. You may not think your private education gave you a leg up but it is not normal to consider 50k low paid.
MasterBeth · 05/03/2021 10:13

Look down, don’t look up.

If you compare your situation with people who have more than you, you will always feel dissatisfied.

But you have a decent job, children, a home, a property portfolio (!), and living parents. In your childhood, you had a home, holidays and an education that was at least good enough to set you up for where you are now.

Many people have none of these things, or the financial prospect of inheriting a million pound house on the death of their parents (how would this not be enough to set up your children?)

Yes, your parents could have given you some more of their massive stack of cash. I’m not sure how this becomes “inheritance shame.”

VinylDetective · 05/03/2021 10:14

One of the saddest things about receiving an inheritance(not in the sums OP is talking about) from my parents (apart from the fact it meant they were no longer here) was that they'd saved up money that they could have spent on themselves.

Same here. Mine didn’t spend a penny on their house. I refurbished it before selling it and I wanted to cry at the thought of how much my mum would have enjoyed the new kitchen and bathroom their money paid for after they’d gone. What a bloody waste.

PrtScn · 05/03/2021 10:14

YABU, anyone that expects an inheritance is grabby. I don’t expect one, so I’ll not be disappointed when I don’t get one (1 parent has already died and newly wedded partner got the lot as they didn’t make a will) from my last surviving parent (who I expect will end up costing me money).
My son on the other hand is likely to be well provided for, but I’ll be telling him not to be expecting FA from me as I don’t want him thinking he can bum around and expect me to give him handouts and expect a cushy life when I pop my clogs. That kind of entitlement boils my piss.

LarryWasAHappyChap · 05/03/2021 10:16

You got a house deposit (a generous one, at the time), which is more than a lot f people.
It's their money to spend, not your inheritance.

TwatWaffleTwinkleToes · 05/03/2021 10:17

@PegasusReturns

People on MN are really odd about parents supporting children and there’s a definite view that you throw children to the lions once they turn 18, regardless of whether they might be in education or otherwise.

But I agree with you OP I cannot imagine not wanting to ensure my DC are set up.

I think this doesn't recognise that for a lot of posters there just is/was no parental help available. For some this makes it tricky to feel that someone else with no help has a raw deal - not least because it they may feel guilt about judging another set of parents who don't help their children because of how it reflects on their own parents.

At least for me. I've never had any money from either parent and it genuinely feels rotten to judge other parents for the same thing - because I love my parents and don't want to judge them badly too.

Doireallyneedaname · 05/03/2021 10:20

I would be thrilled if my 77 year old father would spend some money on himself, but he won’t. Instead, he keeps everything to help his children and grandchildren when in need.

It would be nice to inherit £ but honestly I’d rather have my parent around for as long as possible and get nothing.

Racoonworld · 05/03/2021 10:21

They have already given you so much. You went to private school and got given 20k for a house deposit. That’s way more then most people get (way more then I’ve ever had from my parents!). You’re life choices have been different to theirs and that’s not their fault. They probably thought they’d set you up well.

Toptotoeunicolour · 05/03/2021 10:23

I feel for you, mainly because I am in a position now where I keep working just so my DCs can have a great start in life (and witness the benefits that hard work brings as well I suppose), and can't imagine giving up work just to make things easy for myself. I know they don't need it, but if you can do it and it helps, why not?

EpiphanySoul1 · 05/03/2021 10:24

At what point does a persons money become their children’s? The OP said her parents should love another 15 years but she considers their money is her inheritance. I also don’t understand parents saying ‘spending the kids inheritance’ they are spending their own money.

My view has always been that an inheritance is what you inherit when a person has died. Before that it doesn’t exist. It is that persons money.

I find it extremely odd that people are out viewing parents bank accounts as their money and when the parents spend any they are apparently spending their child’s money.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/03/2021 10:25

@LoveYourUsername

I don't know if I understand the timelines here.

OP must be mid- late 40s- the age her parents came into some money, she says.

So that is now 35 years ago as they are in their 80s.

So they came into money when she was maybe 10 years old?

But she also says that [at that age] they worked hard and sent her to a private school.

Presumably that was using some of the money they won/ inherited?

It was millions- she's not sure how much but thinks it was £2M perhaps, and thinks they gave her £20K as a house deposit.

Why is this not adding up to me in terms of timings and the fact she just doesn't know the actual figures?

And it's a bit late 35 years after their 'win/ inheritance' to start moaning that they didn't give you enough Hmm

I did the same maths. If they were late 80s and late 40s when they inherited they inherited 40 years ago, making op 5-8 If they're 80 and inherited at 47 (a stretch for late 40s) they inherited 33 years ago, op would stil be 13ish