Inheritance Shame

[Lockdownschmockdown]

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

[quote Hellodarknessmyoldpal]@JustLyra yes i quite agree. I have seen a couple of threads with these kind of comments. I understand it may not be considered a high wage but surely at least a decent one.[/quote]
It is a high wage imo. A good chunk over the average. It always amuses me on here when anything less than 100k is viewed as measly.

I can't help thinking it's pretty rich that you received an elite education (which no doubt cost in the hundreds of thousands when added up) AND help with a deposit and you chose a low-paid job but expect your parents to "save" you from having the equivalent lifestyle
This! I have the opposite issue. My father going on and in about what he'll be leaving me. I keep telling him to spend all their money, make the most of their life. They worked hard and deserve it.

I don't earn massive and will struggle to retire as way as I wish as my pension pot us not big enough but I don't feel I'm owed anything from them.

You are jealous because you must likely fantasize, like many, of early retirement. That's fine but don't blame your parents for not being able to. That's horrible.

They gifted you a deposit and paid for a private education (not that i am generally in favour of this) evens before they 'acquired' this money so you have a cheek to imply they are not prioritising giving you a leg up.

You should be grateful to them and be happy they get a turn now. If you were struggling it might be different.

In 1996, my house was worth approx £70k, so £20k would have been a 30% deposit.

My house is now worth £425k, so your £20, adjusted in line with house prices, would be approx £125k. That sounds like a pretty decent sum to me.

Plus you had the benefit of a private education, which presumably could have set you up for a lucrative career, had you decided to go down that path. Instead, you opted for a low paid (but presumably rewarding in other ways) career.

I don't think it's reasonable for anyone to expect an inheritance these days. It's our parents' money, and once they have raised us, it's theirs to do what they like with. And none of us can see the future, I have friends who've had a parent remarry and leave everything to the new spouse, or where care fees have eaten up all but the last £23k.

I don’t think the OP is ever going to answer why the 50k would be so life changing

Or how the parents inherited/won the money 35 years ago, but gave their deposit 25 years ago before they got the money.

As a parent I couldn't sit back with my millions knowing that my dc, a lone parent was living a considerably different lifestyle than me due to financials, whilst working hard to raise a family. Inheriting millions in your 40's and having the choice of being able to retire fully is massively privileged.

Op, do they help you out in other ways- childcare/ emotional support, treating the whole family to days out/ holidays etc?

Hey OP,
Your first post sounds grabby, out of touch and privileged. How dare they get their teeth done and enjoy life? You do need to be a bit more aware of other people’s experiences - you went to private school, you got a decent deposit, you’ve been on the housing ladder since your 20s so must be in a reasonable financial position. You do a job you love and are able to do that partially because of their help ie haven’t wasted money renting, probably a manageable mortgage, less starter debt.

I do understand what you’re saying in your second post though as personally the first thing I would do if I came into a lot of money is gift some of it to my daughter/granddaughter, particularly such a large sum. They must have had a bloody blast the past few years!

But it’s their money. They did help set you up in life. They worked hard to make sure you were provided for in terms of a big family home, holidays and private school. Private school is a lot of money, have you totted that up? Because that could be a sizeable sum right there.

Is there anything else going on that makes you feel this way or view things through this lens? What I saw your relationship like with them? What were the people like at your school, did you feel embarrassed that you didn’t have lots of spare cash? Just wondering if there is something else going on, or if it’s just a values clash where as a parent you can’t imagine racing through the inheritance.

Money isn’t everything and you sound like you have a great life, job you love, house, lovely family. Try to focus on those things as the money’s gone now anyway.

Also it’s quite amusing really that the OP who worked hard and was high earning, but when the opportunity came then chose to take a lower income to do something she enjoys more is pissed off that her hard working parents, when the opportunity came, decided to sell their business and do something they enjoyed more

One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone

You need better life goals. Life is for living, not death planning.

They sent you to private school and gave you a house deposit!! What more could you possibly want??

I bought a one bed flat in one of the top 5 most expensive cities in the UK in 1996. It cost £50k so your deposit of £25k at that time would have been 50%.

I can only assume that if £25k was 1/6 of the purchase price of your flat in that same year that it was a prime central London flat?

Anyhow, my flat is now worth £300k so the equivalent 50% of the same flat now is £150k. Does that help you feel more positive about what you have already received?

And probably another £1M in inheritance in the near future if your parents are 80 now.

OP you have certainly had more than most from your parents and also have a well paid job yourself which you enjoy, all of which are fortunate indeed.

I do understand though that they could have been more generous given their financial situation. Your parents are probably self centred and lacking in generosity. Mine are the same! It's ok and understandable to feel disappointed in them but ultimately you can't change them or the situation.

You describe your £50k job as "low paid" and your parents £25k in 1996 as a "small" gift and yet most would describe your job as well paid and the deposit gift as a substantial amount. That might be worth thinking about. Are you hanging out with people much wealthier than you are to think this way?

This thread is hard reading for someone who hasn't received a penny from their parents since the age of 16 and will not be inheriting a property or anything else. I know everyone is different, but you'll be inhering a big house, and this all sounds a bit 'my diamond shoes are too tight'.

Yes the £20k was approx one sixth of the cost of a one bed flat iirc.

£20k would have been a decent deposit on property 25 years ago.

I don't think you've managed your finances very well if you don't have much to show for it.

You have had numerous advantages from your parents' wealth which you have written of.

You have, I assume, been entirely free of worries for their physical welfare. (This is not inconsiderable, believe me.)

No, they didn't leave you a trust fund. But really? Just reassess a little.

Lots of drip feeding here from the OP and some contradictory posts.

She says her parents inherited the money.
The she says she didn't say that and it was a lottery type win.

She says she only earns £50K

The she says she invested in a property portfolio. That means she rents them out and has income from that.

And she is worried there is nothing to leave her own kids, and that she is miffed her parents didn't share their inheritance/lottery win ( take your pick!)

Why don't you sell one of your several houses OP if you need a life-changing £50K?

My DDs are 100% clear about my assets - "You spend them Mum and have some fun - we do not want them." This is not because they are rich but because they are happy to stand on their own two feet.

They all got a small amount from me when my parents died, but it was a bonus and not an expectation.

They are lovely young women.

@LoveYourUsername

Lots of drip feeding here from the OP and some contradictory posts.

She says her parents inherited the money.
The she says she didn't say that and it was a lottery type win.

She says she only earns £50K

The she says she invested in a property portfolio. That means she rents them out and has income from that.

And she is worried there is nothing to leave her own kids, and that she is miffed her parents didn't share their inheritance/lottery win ( take your pick!)

Why don't you sell one of your several houses OP if you need a life-changing £50K?

And the million quid house she stands to inherit

Inherited money - 'kind of' lottery win ???

Low paid - earnings left of £50,000 That's not low earnings. Minimum wage is low earnings.

Small deposit 25 years ago - £20,000 That's not a small deposit. 25 years ago you could buy a house outright for £20,000 in some parts of the UK.

It's a shame that you're not focusing on the good things - a job you love, a decent income (not a low paid job as you claim) and a property portfolio. And, a potential large inheritance from your parents house.

A lot of people would be happy with just one of those things.

Are you on a wind up, OP?

They gifted you loadsa dosh and paid for a private education.

20k 25 years ago is almost £40k now - which is an unbelievably generous gift. You sound grabby and entitled. I think your NC was wise...

So you’ve had the benefit of a Private schooling, a gift of £20k 25 years ago, the benefit from a large expensive house when they die, but it’s still not enough for you?

And you think they still OWE YOU?

Grabby is putting it mildly.

It’s not their responsibility to bail you out endlessly because you’ve ended up a single parent in a low paid job. Have some self respect and sort your own life out.

£20k 25 years ago would be close to 60k in today's terms.
That + private school means that you've already benefitted greatly from their generosity.
I'm of the belief that investment earlier makes more difference too.
With the career opportunities provided by private schooling and paying a mortgage rather than rent, you have a pretty good foundation for a life very low in financial stress, so low in stress in fact that you chose to do something you enjoy, rather than something that pays well.
It does come across as grabby tbh.
Why would you live your life with the expectation that someone, at some point, is just going to hand you a load of cash?
If you're in your late 40s and are not struggling, I can see why they wouldn't immediately think that you were in need.

YANBU Where did they get their inheritance from? It does sound like they've benefited from being helped & I agree it's strange they haven't thought to share it a little with their children.

If I inherited say 2million I would definitely put some aside for DC for when they're older so that they could have a good start in life.

The property isn't relevant as they will likely have to sell to pay for care.

I don't understand people on MN. They're implying you're being grabby yet your parents were too. Yet that's acceptable 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would LOVE to retire!

I think if I won a very large sum of money I would likely have a much more frivolous attitude towards it. So I can see how your parents got into a situation where they’ve basically spent it all. I think these days people who win such large sums of money are perhaps guided a bit more on how to use the money rather than just spend it. If it was family money that they’d inherited and accumulated over several generations I think it would be more understanding to feel frustrated that you hadn’t been thought of in the same way that they had in order to inherit the sum. Ultimately though I can totally understand where you are coming from, it’s easy to say ‘you’re being grabby’ but if I put myself in your shoes I’d be feeling the same.

I’ve just spotted your update that you’re earning around 50k.

Fucks Sake, you’re really taking the piss now.

I don't know if I understand the timelines here.

OP must be mid- late 40s- the age her parents came into some money, she says.

So that is now 35 years ago as they are in their 80s.

So they came into money when she was maybe 10 years old?

But she also says that [at that age] they worked hard and sent her to a private school.

Presumably that was using some of the money they won/ inherited?

It was millions- she's not sure how much but thinks it was £2M perhaps, and thinks they gave her £20K as a house deposit.

Why is this not adding up to me in terms of timings and the fact she just doesn't know the actual figures?

And it's a bit late 35 years after their 'win/ inheritance' to start moaning that they didn't give you enough