Inheritance Shame

[Lockdownschmockdown]

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

I know where you’re coming from
OP. Both of our sets of parents have retired early, on the back of inherited money in part due to the massive increase in house prices, and are set to spend it all on having a lovely lifestyle in early retirement. They also had no childcare costs as grandparents cared for us, and have amazing pensions. Do I think that it’s fair - to be honest not really! I think if they’d made it all themselves then fair enough, but they’re blowing the money their parents saved to give themselves a great lifestyle. They inherited the money at not much older than I am, and managed to pay off their mortgage etc with it then have plenty left over. I don’t think it’s what their parents would have wanted. If I inherited money from them (unlikely!) I’d give some to my kids before I blew the rest.

One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone

Your main goal should be to raise children to be independent and not expect an inheritance handout.

And...if you already own several homes as well as the one you live in, job done! They appear to already have a huge inheritance just waiting.

Your attitude is awful.

I've be horrified if my kids (and I am retired) criticised me for how I spend my hard earned money ( after working hard for 45 years) and felt they were owed some now.

My own parents are very frugal and keep talking about how they don't want to spend at their age so they can leave me more. I don't need it and I suspect you don't, so I tell them to crack on a spend/ enjoy their last few years.

I too understand the Op, nothing wrong with them spending their money but I have the mindset too to save on myself and try to give my children leg up
But they gave her a massive leg up

I certainly do not see where you are coming from.
You've had cash, you've had a good education
It sounds like you've had great parents.
You are in a job that you want. Whether that pays well or not is irrelevant because you have chosen to stay there.

20k 25 years ago is roughly 38k in todays money allowing for inflation. That is pretty decent.
It sounds like you will inherit the house.
It has probably been mentioned but in many cases the next generation are not even inherting the house as it us being sold for nursing fees.
Your parents sound like they've had a lot if fun. That sounds like a good life. They were also kind to you.
Be happy with your lot or change it but don't sit back wanting somthing for nothing.

How about looking at this from the point of the person who left the £2m?
That sum had the potential, when given to young professionals with their own business, to create generational wealth. It could have built the parents business and been invested in a way that the great grandchildren would all have deposits and private school fees etc. Instead, it’s been spent like a lottery win. I think that’s a shame to treat a legacy that way. Yes their money but also their responsibility. I do think that there is a responsibility that comes with inherited money. Use it wisely. I’m therefore with the OP on this.

So they gave you the deposit before they had a windfall? And you don’t see that as a sacrifice? You are BEYOND greedy.

If they got their extra money from an inheritance themselves then yes I do think they should consider passing some of it down rather than spending it. It if it came from their own hard work then I'd feel differently.

You did get a good education though - which is an amazing gift. My parents wouldn't even let me take the 11 plus even though my year 6 teacher tried to get them to change their minds. I would have loved to have gone to a school where learning wasn't seen as a waste of time.

My views are somewhat skewed by the difficult relationship I have with my parents, but certainly anything they leave me (and I'm not expecting anything) will go to DS.

People getting their knickers in a twist about £25k - it may seem like a fortune to some people but even 20 years ago it really wasn’t a life changing sum of money.

Getting on the ladder young in somewhere like London 25 yrs ago could easily mean you are a property millionaire now. Far better to have 25k in your 20s in terms of building wealth then the equivalent sum in your 50/60s.

Wouldn’t call £20K a small deposit now, certainly not 25 years ago.
Presumably you’ll receive something from the house?
Sorry but I think YABU.

I wonder if you have made your life choices based on an assumption that at some point you would be gifted more money from them? Many people simply don't have an option to 'follow their dreams' and need to take the highest paying job open to them.

I can see why you might feel they should given you more but they haven't and so you need to decide whether that's something that you can get beyond without it causing resentment.

I hate to say it but I think the disappointment will be two sided. I know a few parents who‘ve sent their kids to private school and they don’t make the most of the opportunity. If you haven’t set yourself up with a comfortable lifestyle when it’s been handed to you on a plate, then that’s no one else’s fault but your own sorry.

I sort of get it OP - they were lucky enough to inherit the wealth. My mother has the same attitude as yours (she is saving lots for me)... but I’m like your parents. I’d pay for my kids’ education, a house deposit and nothing more

@notacooldad "20k 25 years ago is roughly 38k in todays money allowing for inflation."

But £2m+ in today's money is £5.8m so can't you see why giving 0.6% of a win to your daughter seems stingy?

@EuroTrashed

How about looking at this from the point of the person who left the £2m? That sum had the potential, when given to young professionals with their own business, to create generational wealth. It could have built the parents business and been invested in a way that the great grandchildren would all have deposits and private school fees etc. Instead, it’s been spent like a lottery win. I think that’s a shame to treat a legacy that way. Yes their money but also their responsibility. I do think that there is a responsibility that comes with inherited money. Use it wisely. I’m therefore with the OP on this.

The op changed the story later to say it was a lottery type thing

Private education and a deposit on a house - many people would dream of getting such a leg up in life. It does go to show that however much you are given and how ever much money you have it's never enough. As a result you had the luxury to choose a poorly paid job - that was your choice to make. Presumably you will eventually inherit your parents' house (which I don't imagine is worth peanuts based on what you have told us). You do sound entitled - the trouble with having things handed to you on a plate is that you expect everything to be handed to you on a plate.

Perhaps private school & house deposit was a struggle for the OPs parents & they now want to enjoy their money? If the OP had received nothing yes I would agree that was wrong.

YABU. A “small” deposit of £20k? Good heavens.

It’s not your money, it’s theirs to spend as they wish. Sounds like they are living exactly the life they want, and good on them! It’s better for the economy for that money to be in circulation, for one thing. The wealthy just sitting on their money is terrible for the rest of us.

They gave you a marvellous start in life with a good education and a very generous house deposit. You belittle it by saying it was only 1/6 of your property cost... you do know first time buyers rarely have more that a 5% deposit, right? So, 1/20?

OP, I think you are blind to how lucky you have been. Inheriting isn’t a right, it’s a gift.

Are you sure they inherited that much? That is an incredible amount of money to get through even with travel and a house extension. I guess though 35 years is a pretty long time to be spending it up.

If that sum is correct then I can understand why you're upset, it's not how I'd choose to use the money. If I was them I'd certainly have paid off your mortgage with that money first, and then felt more comfortable that the rest was mine to do with as I wished. However if you concentrate on those facts you're just going to end up bitter and unhappy and that won't improve your circumstances. Better to concentrate on how lucky you are to have been able to get your foot on the housing ladder at a young age and that you might well inherit at least some money from the large house they own. x

I find this attitude pretty sickening and am actually so glad I stand to inherit zero from my parents in the future. My dad screwed my mother over in their divorce, she had to sell the house, and she will have nothing by the time she gets to old age. I couldn't care less. I'm an adult. I had a good start in life and my wonderful relationship with my mother comes with no strings.

My husband on the other hand stands to inherit a substantial amount but the sense of entitlement from his brother about it and sometimes him (he hides it well mostly!) just makes my stomach turn. It's crass and I (secretly) think if their father didn't have millions they'd have cut him off by now as he's horrible to them a lot of time, possibly because he knows they'll stick around for payday. It's toxic and people become like vultures.

You're an adult. They gave you a large deposit and a good start in life. The rest is on you.

I've be horrified if my kids (and I am retired) criticised me for how I spend my hard earned money ( after working hard for 45 years) and felt they were owed some now.

But it wasn’t hard earned money. It was a windfall through sheer luck which they frittered away and have nothing to show for it. If their intention was to go through the money like water it’s ridiculous not choosing to share that fortune with your own children, rather than give up work in their 40’s. Hard earned? Do me a favour!

Very few posters seem to have read that the OP has a property portfolio.

So she's actually wealthy in her own right now.

But wants more.

Op sadly your post is misjudged, for three reasons,
One most people's parents cannot afford private education, 93% l think go to the local state school, you may not have enjoyed it, but l didn't enjoy my rough comprehensive much either.
My point being you are in the lucky few to have had the luxury of a good education.The sacrifice your parents made must have been substantial.
This shows they do care, and were willing to make the financial sacrifice ( before they were wealthy)
Secondly, gifting you a decent home deposit very early on, is a massive life boost.
They had thought to educate you very well to enable choice of university, career and good jobs.
Then they had enabled you to get on the property ladder, securing you a home and freedom from the rent trap.
Once they came into money ( after running a business and working very hard for many years ) you were an adult, well set up (due to your parents.)
You have no right to expect more and should be very happy they got to enjoy their remaining years.

Thirdly, very sadly you cannot see any of this, your entitlement is astounding. Please take a walk into the real world and see how much you have been given compared to most.

You have made choices that have not left you where you wish to be, but that is your responsibility.

So you had a private education, a holiday every year and £20k as a house deposit. I went to the local comprehensive, worked part time from 15 in two jobs to fund myself going to college, we were lucky to get a week in a caravan once a year, I have never had any money from my parents...ever! I hope my mum spends her money that she earned having fun (Dad has passed away now). Do you see the difference? You had a lot of help from them when you were younger.

"20k 25 years ago is roughly 38k in todays money allowing for inflation."

You can't really work it out like that. 25 years ago I bought a good 3 bedroom house for 23k (up North). They now srll for 220k.

@ThinkAboutItTomorrow, they set her up enough to get a property portfolio started. They did enough. Will you give a higher percentage to your adult children, even if they have enough to live on?

@Lockdownschmockdown

Yes the £20k was approx one sixth of the cost of a one bed flat iirc.

I get what you are all saying.

I didn’t ask to go to the private school. I didn’t like it much.

Honestly ask yourselves, ‘if I had approx 2 million to spend, what percentage would I give my DC?’ I’d put at least half of it in trust for my kids, especially if I was a healthy 40 something with a successful business.This is what I struggle with, not the actual financial implications, more not understanding it on an emotional level.

I CBA to RTFT but I agree with you, OP. You'll never get honest answers on here though. Anyone who earns more than minimum wage gets lectured about how lucky she is so, having fessed up to getting 20K, you have no hope of any honesty or sympathy.

In reality, I don't believe there is a single MNetter who, if their parents had inherited several million, would not feel hard done by to inherit only £20k. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar.

Do you have the right to any of your parents' money? No. Do you have the right to feel pissed off that they have frittered the lot? Yes.

It was a windfall through sheer luck

Is it? Or has the OP said that to make herself look better? It's not in her first post. So I am sceptical @SinisterBumFacedCat

And even so, she's a grown woman who has clearly done ok as she has several houses.