Inheritance Shame

[Lockdownschmockdown]

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

I too understand the Op, nothing wrong with them spending their money but I have the mindset too to save on myself and try to give my children leg up, me and husband try to save as much while giving everything they need and little extra while they are growing up, but I don't see us drawing a line and stop thinking about their future. For me, nothing would make me more happier and in peace than knowing that me children will be okay, in a warm home and food on the table, if something should happen to husband and I.

Quick! Has anyone got Bono’s number handy?

Do people really consider 50k a low salary?? Even with a privilege upbringing surely they can't be so detached from real world issues to actually believe this. Obviously i understand there are careers that come with a much higher salary too but this isn't average. I figured people saying this were maybe showing off as if this kind of salary was beneath them. Many people work incredibly hard and earn nowhere near this.

I know not the main point in the thread but perhaps one that contributes to the overall attitude towards money.

It’s up to your parents how they want to spend their money and the money they inherited. I wouldn’t consider £20,000 (even now) a small sum. I certainly then wouldn’t be dragging my parents over the coals 25 years later because I want more.

You sound so unbelievably grubby and entitled.

You have a house, and your salary is around £50k - yet you want more and blame your parents for enjoying their life? You’re a grown woman...maybe you should act it rather than being so greedy!

And then says she’s teaching her kids the “value of money” - I’m not sure that means what she thinks it means.

Apparently it means "what's yours is mine".

To be honest, even in my daydreams of vast personal wealth, I dream of children who go out and make something of themselves after I give them a good start. Not ones who whine that that start wasn't good enough, and eye up the value of my assets on my death.

I'm actually in theory the partial beneficiary of up to three separate estates - two unmarried aunts/uncles (including a substantial shared family property), and my parents assets in the 1m region.

Not a penny of it appears in my financial plans, and I would dearly love to see them explore the world and enjoy themselves. I've been to so many places that I know they'd love, but they're so scrupulous about inheritance being for the future.

Do people really consider 50k a low salary??'

I don't consider it a high income particularly as it's the household one. However the OP has wealth so she could easily be doing far better than someone earning a lot more.

I Agree with @MiaowMiaow99.

£2m+ 35 years ago is more like £6m in today's money.

If I won that I would absolutely use a lot of it to set my kids up. I can't fathom having that in the bank, going on multiple holidays and living in luxury while my daughter took out a £100k mortgage.

OP, it is odd behaviour and I don't blame you for resenting it a bit.

I wonder if there was something behind it though, they struggled to send you to private school so obviously wanted the best for you so to be so thoughtless when they got a lot of money seems odd.
(not to say private IS better but that's usually the belief of people who send their kids to private school, especially with a modest income ).

@Lockdownschmockdown in what way in your current situation, 50k wage, privately educated, having left a much higher paid role in London due to wanting a better family balance, with a property portfolio, and with a large inheritance in the horizon from your 80+ year old parents who currently own a 1m property, in what way in your current situation would £50k be LIFECHANGING?

It’s like that hypothetical question ‘what would you do if you won the lottery?’ Obviously I would put some money in trusts for my kids. It would just be automatic. I can’t imagine not doing that and just spending the rest. I’d make sure they had as much as possible and then invest the rest to live off. Not just spend the lot. £20k is a lot but it’s not as a proportion of what they had. I just wouldn’t do that. I understand what you’re saying OP.

I think that you sound ungrateful tbh.
As others have said you had a private education, comfortable home and they gifted you £20 k for a deposit.
My mother is quite wealthy. She owns three properties outright.
She was a single parent and worked several jobs to accrue her wealth
I have told her to spend her money on herself.
I want her to travel, buy beautiful clothing and have hobbies.

You seem determined to prove that you're superior to your parents somehow. Grabby cow.

[quote 1940s]@Lockdownschmockdown in what way in your current situation, 50k wage, privately educated, having left a much higher paid role in London due to wanting a better family balance, with a property portfolio, and with a large inheritance in the horizon from your 80+ year old parents who currently own a 1m property, in what way in your current situation would £50k be LIFECHANGING? [/quote]
I earn roughly what you earn, I don't have a property portfolio, I'm at the top of my earning expectations with no option to earn more (which you have if you wanted to) and £50k for me would not be lifechanging. I couldn't pay off my mortgage. I could maybe upgrade the car and have a few lovely holidays. How can 50k in your shoes completely change your life???

It sounds like they decided to help you earlier in life rather than save it for when you might have been more financially well off.

How do you know they haven’t saved money for you and just haven’t told you? Maybe they want it to be there for you when they die - and then there’s the house equity too (not rtft but presuming you’ll inherit this unless it all goes on care home fees?)

My own dm’s house is worth about £100k and will be split between me and my siblings. She has minimal savings. She’s in her 70’s and I keep telling her she should spend it and enjoy it - I have no expectations of being left anything. I wasn’t brought up that way and I certainly don’t give any thought to it but we were not a family where money = love.

And they've given you £20K so yes sounding grabby sorry. But you did ask

[quote 1940s]@Lockdownschmockdown in what way in your current situation, 50k wage, privately educated, having left a much higher paid role in London due to wanting a better family balance, with a property portfolio, and with a large inheritance in the horizon from your 80+ year old parents who currently own a 1m property, in what way in your current situation would £50k be LIFECHANGING? [/quote]
Exactly. It reminds me of that Edward St Aubyn line about people waiting for elderly relatives to die so they could upgrade their holiday plans.

@Hellodarknessmyoldpal

Do people really consider 50k a low salary?? Even with a privilege upbringing surely they can't be so detached from real world issues to actually believe this. Obviously i understand there are careers that come with a much higher salary too but this isn't average. I figured people saying this were maybe showing off as if this kind of salary was beneath them. Many people work incredibly hard and earn nowhere near this.

I know not the main point in the thread but perhaps one that contributes to the overall attitude towards money.

It’s absolutely not a low income.

Especially when the OP has a property portfolio and likely no mortgage. It’s also a choice the OP has made as she previously had a much higher salary.

Some will tell you it’s peanuts though...

The OP’s attitude to money is quite possibly part of the reasoning. If one of my kids felt hard done by despite a massive deposit on an over-averagely expensive flat in their twenties, and considered themselves low paid on 50k I’d be concerned they had no sense of money at all.

You consider £50k a "low paid job".
You chose to give up a "higher paid city centric job" - your choice then.

Off topic but I can't believe you even comment about your DPs choosing to spend their money on dental implants - my own Dad decided not to invest in implants several years ago as they were "so expensive" ( he could have afforded them) - watching him struggle to eat in his 90s is really sad.

Why don't you just enjoy your £50k salary and your lifestyle?.

FYI I do a job which I love and is considered socially responsible - for less than £10 an hour and consider myself very fortunate to enjoy my work. .

@Lockdownschmockdown

This blown up so much the basic point of the thread has now been lost.

I will put it again and more simply:

As a parent, would you use an extensive surplus sum of money to help an adult DC who was already financially afloat due to your help and good decisions when a younger adult?

No, my adult children's finances are their responsibility and they shouldn't expect parental support when they have property and the best part of a £50k salary

I'm not entirely sure why it is so unreasonable for parents to enjoy their own money during their lifetime, yet seems to be entirely reasonable for adults to expect to enjoy their parents money instead

It seems a bit CF to me

OP I was feeling some sympathy for you until I read that your 'challenging low paid job' actually pays nearly 50K. I put some details into the IFS calculator of income distribution, so assuming your wage is 47K, your children are still dependent and teenagers (you will be 'richer' if they are younger) and that council tax is 1200 a year, you are wealthier (in terms of income) than 2/3 of the country. I think it's actually really insulting to describe such a good wage as 'low' and whilst I know that was not the main point of your thread it suggests an interesting relationship with money. How can such a good wage feel 'low'? Is this because you expect to have a lot of nice things?

I would want my children to be secure but your parents may look at your good income, remember that they gave you 1/6 of a flat and believe that you are secure. I think most people would. This leaves no responsibility on them to share their wealth with you. Of course we'd probably all like to be given money for nothing but that doesn't they are unreasonable if they don't. They probably also factor in a significant chance that you'll inherit their house which would be a massive inheritance for one person. I think the issue here might be your financial expectations.

You are aware you've had a privileged life in terms of financial security in your upbringing and are grateful for it.

Ultimately it's their money to do with as they please - if they gave you as good a childhood as they could that's where their responsibility ends. Morally no they don't have any duty to provide for you after this point

In some cultures parents expect to be looked after by their children financially and otherwise when they retire. It's all a matter of expectation I guess.

They haven't drunk or gambled away their wealth and are now at your door asking for help - they are in their 80's still enjoying life.

@Snookie00

Interesting all these posters calling you selfish, awful, grabby etc. They sound selfish to me. I enjoy spending my money making myself AND the people I love happy. I can’t imagine living it up when the people I love are struggling. It goes against the value of family and caring for loved ones. People getting their knickers in a twist about £25k - it may seem like a fortune to some people but even 20 years ago it really wasn’t a life changing sum of money.

Gosh I think that amount of money would be life changing now...never mind 25 years ago.

That amount would make some changes to our home that would massively improve the quality of life of everyone living in this home.

And we might even be able to go on holiday too!

OP, this place is weird about inheritance. I don't think you're grabby at all and you're perfectly entitled to your feelings, and rightly so. At least you know now how the land lies, it would have been a far more bitter pill if you would have found out there is nothing left after they died.

That is the problem with this country. People always expect to receive the money rather than earn it. OP, how ridiculous does it sound? Your parents spending their own money, they are not dead yet and you are already disappointed at the level of the potential inheritance. You grew up in a big house, went to a private school and was given a deposit money.. Grabby and ungrateful