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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance Shame

966 replies

Lockdownschmockdown · 04/03/2021 22:43

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

OP posts:
ZombieMumEB · 05/03/2021 08:28

You've already received your inheritance - 25 years ago!

StellaStarfleet · 05/03/2021 08:29

I was with you OP, until you revealed that your low paid job is actually almost a £50k salary. That must shows how little you value money, and that you're simply showing your greed.

You had a privileged upbringing, you own your home, you will most likely receive inheritance from the house when they pass, you've got a decent income. Yet you make yourself out to he a pauper in order to gather hatred against your parent's behaviour.

Next time,.be honest from the off. A lot of people will still agree that maybe they could have put something aside for family, but once you lie and try to make your life sound hard and low paid etc when it is anything but, then you just set people against you.

1940s · 05/03/2021 08:29

@Lockdownschmockdown

Also as already stated, the 20k was one sixth of the cost of a one bed flat and i am very grateful for it,
But you didn't need to use the 20k on 1/6th of a flat. You could have very easily bought a larger property at 60/70% of the value or even outright at that stage! You keep repeating it was one sixth of the value. But that is a property massively above the average cost! Why did you do that?
Porridgeoat · 05/03/2021 08:29

20k was a lot in the year 2000. I saved 5k for a mortgage the same year and it took one year and living extremely modestly.

How your parents have handled the inheritance is not how I’d handle inheritance. I’d invest. However everyone’s different and they can do what they like

AMMCIAC · 05/03/2021 08:30

Can't you just enjoy your parents while they're still alive?? Instead of thinking about how much money you'll get when they die? I'm sorry OP but you sound really selfish.

DivGirl · 05/03/2021 08:30

This can’t be real - no one is this blind to their own privilege.

OP was privately educated, earns almost double the national average, has a property portfolio, was gifted a deposit that, at the time, could have bought a Welsh mining village, and is moaning that she’ll only inherit an £1M property?

And then says she’s teaching her kids the “value of money” - I’m not sure that means what she thinks it means.

Youllbeoldertoo · 05/03/2021 08:30

Why don’t you get a job that pays more!?

mcmooberry · 05/03/2021 08:30

I totally agree with your feelings! If I won a life changing amount of money I would absolutely use it for the benefit of my children, it's all planned already!
They could have at least treated you and your children to a lovely holiday every year or something like that.

ZenNudist · 05/03/2021 08:30

YABU and ungrateful

Im raising my dc to be self sufficient and not to count other people's money

SugarfreeBlitz · 05/03/2021 08:32

@GreenlandTheMovie

I sympathise with you OP, my parents are like that too. DF retired at 50, both he and DM are in their mid seventies now and haven't run out of money yet. Both had perfectly ordinary jobs but I believe two large inheritances which they have kept secret and lie about not receiving if pushed. They are very selfish and never do anything for anyone else or help anyone, though I believe they did guve DB a huge deposit for his flat years back in order to get him to actually leave home (they deny that too but there's no other way he could have afforded it). Ridiculously, they like to trot out the line of being poor pensioners.

It's just the sheer profligacy, the wasting of money. Their latest news is they've bought another new car (because they "deserve" nice things. And a pedigree puppy, which will apparently travel with them to one of their holiday homes abroad (they have two). I cannot see the point in two people in their mid seventies who never even go for a short walk getting a lively 3 month old puppy, as it will obviously be rehomed in a few months when the novelty wears off.

They have a ridiculously large house, 2 cars, a motor homes and 2 holiday homes. A typical pre covid year would be 4 months abroad, a Caribbean cruise and another exotic holiday somewhere else such as Thailand or the Maldives. They went to China one year. DF likes to remind us at every opportunity not to expect anything from them as he intends to spend it all.

GF, whom I'm pretty sure one of the inheritances came from, would be mortified that it wasn't being used to support the GC's education and being spent on stuff like that, because he was really frugal.

It's awful to see. The pair of them are literally glorifying in wasting someone else's money. Their entire conversation now consists of how superior they are to other people who can't afford all this stuff, because they didn't "plan".

That is truly awful!

I recently found out from one parent that they helped a sibling with a house deposit and I spect they might have helped another one, but no help for me.

So sorry for you about your selfish, superior and entitled parents. I think your GP would be horrifed. I know mine would be horrified about the way I've gone without what the others had.

RandomLondoner · 05/03/2021 08:32

So is that not an expensive area then?

Yes, I agree it's expensive. I guess my point was that there's nothing implausible or surprising about OP's figures, to me.

MiaowMiaow99 · 05/03/2021 08:33

If my parents had won 2 million I know, without doubt they would have paid off their siblings mortgages at the very least. They would have passed on a huge whack as they see that it's their duty to give the younger generation a leg up.
Would everyone on this thread who is giving the OP a hard time do what her parents did? I certainly wouldn't. If I won 2 mil I would absolutely make sure my DCs were set up with it. I wouldn't blow the lot on myself?
At the bare minimum I'd have investments that would be inherited.

MiaowMiaow99 · 05/03/2021 08:33

Argh not woken up, by siblings I mean their children!

1940s · 05/03/2021 08:34

@JustLyra

In what way would 50k, in your current position, be life changing?
THIS!!!! please answer this question OP
Desmondo2016 · 05/03/2021 08:34

The very lovely 3 bedroom semi I bought in 1999 was £60k. Your 20k deposit at around the same time means you could realistically be mortgage free many years ago. I think you sound grabby and entitled.

lunar1 · 05/03/2021 08:35

Honestly, if I won 2 million my children wouldn't need a mortgage for their first home, my brother and SIL would also have their mortgage paid off and their children would get a decent amount in savings, at lease 100k.

I couldn't imagine DH and I keeping that kind of money to ourselves when we could make everyone's lives significantly easier.

We aren't big spenders and while the money would be lovely and give security nothing would make me happier than helping my family.

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 08:36

@MiaowMiaow99

If my parents had won 2 million I know, without doubt they would have paid off their siblings mortgages at the very least. They would have passed on a huge whack as they see that it's their duty to give the younger generation a leg up. Would everyone on this thread who is giving the OP a hard time do what her parents did? I certainly wouldn't. If I won 2 mil I would absolutely make sure my DCs were set up with it. I wouldn't blow the lot on myself? At the bare minimum I'd have investments that would be inherited.
Do you genuinely consider that the OP - with her expensive flat that has lead to a property portfolio, ability to choose a lower paid job and likely to inherit a million pound house wasn’t set up by her parents?
diddl · 05/03/2021 08:37

Sounds as if they spent well on you already tbh.

My parents house & savings that they worked so hard for & had willed equally to me & sibling has gome on care home fees...

They would be heartbroken if they realised.

I'm glad that it means they are in a good care home!

Why not encourage your kids to study/work hard & set themselves up & you help them a little along the way?

Pumpkinpied · 05/03/2021 08:38

For those saying 20k today is 40 now that isn’t really the truth when it was put into property. 25 years ago I bought a 4 bedroom town house for £33,000! Today they’re worth around £180,000 so it was a huge helping hand. Yes, it’s up North but friends were buying in London at that time for well under £100,000. Those houses are worth an eye watering amount now.

tonytiy · 05/03/2021 08:38

Private school is irrelevant tbh

I don't think it is since clearly the parents prioritised this as there wasn't much left over?

Yes if I won 2m now I would help the dc - well they are too young but I would invest for them.

The OP is very likely to be a property millionaire though particularly if what she bought was expensive 25 yrs ago.

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 08:39

@RandomLondoner

So is that not an expensive area then?

Yes, I agree it's expensive. I guess my point was that there's nothing implausible or surprising about OP's figures, to me.

No-one said it was implausible. Just pointing out to the OP that her flat was an extremely expensive one at the time.

The deposit may only have been a sixth of that cost, but that’s because it was a expensive property for the time.

KarmaStar · 05/03/2021 08:39

You have everything!and to think that you are resenting them for not staying home and watching tv for forty years whilst you keep a critical eye on the bank balance is eye watering unreasonable.
Those words of yours are going to come back at you full force when your parents pass away.

tonytiy · 05/03/2021 08:40

@Pumpkinpied exactly I wish I could have bought property 25 yrs ago (I was a child). You could easily have made 1m on London property if you had done so.

Ponoka7 · 05/03/2021 08:40

I can see why MN doesn't advocate having children under 40. Once they are here we are supposed to sacrifice ourselves on the alter of Parenthood.

When my children were little, I might have agreed. Now they are adults making stupid decisions, I'm not so sure. I would have put some away for my GC, but only a small percentage, because I'm entitled to my life. I wouldn't go without, for my money to go to a partner or stepchildren of my children. It's our job to set our children up emotionally and do our best in regards to education and the teen/early twenties guidance. I'm in a situation were my DD expects me to put my life on hold to provide childcare. None of my children consulted me when they picked their level of education, the partners that they did, or when they decided to conceive (we all advised my DD to stick to one child with her useless ex) so why do I have to pick up the pieces?

I wouldn't be at millionaire level and my children live in rented accommodation, but this isn't the case here. The OP has been set up. She isn't on a low income, she has a nice home and property.

lanbro · 05/03/2021 08:40

@Lockdownschmockdown I think you're getting a hard time...yes £20k was amazing and did help you but I know for an absolute fact if my parents came into millions I'd be gifted a whole house not just a deposit. But you can't change things, and you surely don't wish your parents weren't around to get whatever inheritance is left so you need to make peace with it