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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance Shame

966 replies

Lockdownschmockdown · 04/03/2021 22:43

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

OP posts:
bluetongue · 05/03/2021 08:14

That should be my parents not more parents (though both probably apply).

Hoppinggreen · 05/03/2021 08:15

I expect nothing from my Mum in inheritance. I have told her to enjoy it all and if her house is ever sold to provide care then I am fine with that too. I would like a couple of sentimental items but any money will be completely unexpected and a bonus.
We have sent our DC to Private school and will help them through Uni if they go and hopefully with house deposits but I am sure as hell not working or saving to leave lots of money to them. Each generation is responsible for themselves

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 08:16

[quote Lockdownschmockdown]@Labobo it was definitely £2 million plus plus, was sudden and not from selling their business. It was this that enabled them to sell their business for nothing like that much.
It was in the papers at the time which is why I’m being vague.
The deposit they gave me came before this.
Not that any of this is really relevant and just exacerbates the vitriol.[/quote]
The money they inherited/won has bought them a great life over the last 35 years according to your OP...

But the deposit they gave you 25 years ago was from before they inherited/won it?

RandomLondoner · 05/03/2021 08:17

I have a DD and intend to leave her more than I retired with, in the meantime living a more luxurious life than I had when I was working.

Rachie1973 · 05/03/2021 08:17

I can’t imagine being so invested in my parents bank account

ancientgran · 05/03/2021 08:17

They probably spent quite a bit on that private school plus the £20k. I think you've actually done quite well. As a mother I like giving money to my kids but I don't think every parent has to do it.

MacDuffsMuff · 05/03/2021 08:17

I'm rarely speechless when I read an OP but I am with this one. Grin

We have put money aside for our DCs, but if I thought they expected it or worse, think that we should, I would be wondering where I'd gone wrong.

IndecentFeminist · 05/03/2021 08:18

Private school is irrelevant tbh.

imalmostthere · 05/03/2021 08:19

Struggling single parent? Are you joking? Your income Is 50k, you own your property, thanks to your parents. You were privately educated, had a wonderful and comfortable upbringing- and stand to inherit a house worth 1 million. Even if they need care, it won't be a millions worth will it. And even if they live 15 years - of course it's bloody relevant, you'd still be getting it, you just have to wait. I honestly cannot understand your way of thinking. You are so privileged. The fact you have written this post is embarrassing on your behalf, and you really should be ashamed of your mindset op.

ancientgran · 05/03/2021 08:21

@Lockdownschmockdown

Also as already stated, the 20k was one sixth of the cost of a one bed flat and i am very grateful for it,
I bought a 4 bed house with two bathrooms and double garage for £109,000 23 years ago. You must be in an expensive area if a one bed flat cost £120,000 25 years ago.
Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 05/03/2021 08:21

They gave you a deposit and paid for your education. You've had your inheritance already!

ancientgran · 05/03/2021 08:22

@IndecentFeminist

Private school is irrelevant tbh.
It isn't really, alot of parents would think a good education is setting their child up for life, same for support at uni. Bit like the give a man a fish -v- teaching him to fish.
TerribleTiming · 05/03/2021 08:22

I imagine the mindset was .... well when we we’re younger we scrimped and saved to pay for our child to have a private education plus holidays and a comfortable upbringing, we also then helped out with a deposit to buy a property, child now has a good job and property at a young age, this windfall is for us to enjoy.

You can’t possibly know their thought process without asking. Accept what has happened and make your own happiness.

Foghead · 05/03/2021 08:23

If I came into £2 million, I would definitely be giving some of it, if not most of it, to my dcs. I don’t get that mentality either op.

Blindstupid · 05/03/2021 08:23

Gotta be a wind up ... OP you keep changing your story and drip feeding. Grow up and continue making your own way in the world. You’ve had a very privileged upbringing, you’re now doing well financially despite your ‘low paid 😂’ job. Your perspective on the world is very obscured from reality.

TheyIsMyFamily · 05/03/2021 08:23

IMO, Anyone who 'comes into' money like this, as in didn't earn it themselves, is kind of a selfish dick to not help their own descendants out, too.

The worst ones are the ones who pretend they 'earned' it and live lavishly while their own children and grandchildren are barely making ends meet.

Sceptre86 · 05/03/2021 08:23

Yabu, they gifted you a house deposit and didn't need to. You come across as very entitled. They can spend their money however they choose. They are not responsible for your life choices regarding being in a low paid job or your circumstances interms of being a single parent.

MagicSummer · 05/03/2021 08:24

You have been lucky, OP, and probably will stand to inherit a great deal more. I was 'lucky' too, in that my mother left me quite well-off, but a word of warning, make sure they are up to date with inheritance laws. My parents did nothing to mitigate IHT and I ended up paying over £125,000 to the Government. It still breaks my heart that they didn't trust me enough to make proper provision.

RandomLondoner · 05/03/2021 08:25

You must be in an expensive area if a one bed flat cost £120,000 25 years ago.

Where I live now a one-bed flat cost about 120K in 1989, when I moved to the area. (Though that was at the peak of the property market, a year after I bought it would have been worth 25% less!)

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 08:25

@TheyIsMyFamily

IMO, Anyone who 'comes into' money like this, as in didn't earn it themselves, is kind of a selfish dick to not help their own descendants out, too.

The worst ones are the ones who pretend they 'earned' it and live lavishly while their own children and grandchildren are barely making ends meet.

They set the OP up with her property (which lead to a peppery portfolio) and she’s likely to inherit a house worth a million quid.

How much more set up do they need to make her?

1940s · 05/03/2021 08:25

@Womencanlift

So you have had a private education, been gifted a house deposit and managed to build a property portfolio and still want more

I hate the ‘check your privilege’ phrase but this is definitely correct for this OP

I have to agree. OP has been provided privileges that she can't see. She is privately educated and has a property portfolio. Whilst I can personally say if I won 2million then I would have proportionately shared more with my children. However OP is blind to the absolute privilege her parents have given her she just thinks she deserves a larger slice of the pie. OP also is seeing this through the lens of single parenthood. Perhaps if she was in a very very happy marriage then travelling the world and spending more of the pot would be a more relevant idea to her. Something she can't fathom currently
Okbussitout · 05/03/2021 08:26

I've read all your updates op. So to try and engage with the original question or theme. Tbh yes I probably would consider my (hypothetical children more). I'm childfree but adore my two nieces and in reality would probably consider them in the way yiure talking about. 50 or 100k could make a huge difference to their lives even if in they were in the circumstances you describe. But it would be about enhancing quality of life for them. Rather than feeling like it covered essentials like a roof I've their head, which you have.

On the other hand I understand why people aren't being very sympathetic in their replies. Firstly descting 50k a year as low salary is a bit much. To imply you didn't have more opportunities from going to private school is a bit much. So probably also doesn't help in how you're coming across. You also mention a property portfolio so it doesn't sound like you don't have money for the future.

Your parents probably think you're sorted with a decent job your own home and investments.

I've said this on another thread recently. I do think there is a certain mindset in some of the older generation where they do think that the world is the same as when they grew up or were young adults, with free Higher education, job stability and affordable housing. I do think there's a huge generational devide amongst a good swathe of the population in this sense. But actually to look at it objectively you do have a lot of these things, your own home fairly young, an education and a good job so I don't think this applies in this circumstance it's more a mind set I've noticed.

Okbussitout · 05/03/2021 08:27

@RandomLondoner

You must be in an expensive area if a one bed flat cost £120,000 25 years ago.

Where I live now a one-bed flat cost about 120K in 1989, when I moved to the area. (Though that was at the peak of the property market, a year after I bought it would have been worth 25% less!)

So is that not an expensive area then?
LoveYourUsername · 05/03/2021 08:27

You need some perspective which I doubt your upbringing gave you.

MOST people do not have these issues.

In time I will inherit a modest amount from my parents. But I am not waiting for them to die!

I am now comfortably off , though not rich, and will help THEM if necessary.

I also inherited a small amount from my in-laws and passed some of that to the DCs to help them out.

Your parents lives- retiring in their 40s- is not common. Most people do not have the luxury of that or the benefits you have had to date.

Sorry but you do come over as spoiled. You ought to be encouraging your own kids to be independent and not expect handouts from their parents, but to make their own success in life. As should you.

Newkitchen123 · 05/03/2021 08:28

Do your parents tell you how to spend your money? I'm guessing probably not because how you spend your money is none of their business. Just like how they spend theirs is none of yours.
Just left of 50k is not low paid! It's all relative. It may be low paid in your world but imagine someone on NMW reading this!
You've had a substantial deposit for a house and you earn a reasonably decent salary.