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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance Shame

966 replies

Lockdownschmockdown · 04/03/2021 22:43

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

OP posts:
crunchiebabe · 05/03/2021 07:57

100% grabby!

HeartsAndClubs · 05/03/2021 07:57

The entitlement to other people’s money never ceases to amaze me.

People bring up children to hopefully be independent adults, capable of looking after themselves. Not to wait around waiting for the parents to snuff it so they can gain from them yet again.

There is a vast difference between leaving what you have to your children in your will, and the expectation that some people seem to have of parents to not live their own lives specifically so their children will be looked after. You only do that if your children are still dependents, not if they’re off living their own lives.

My parents have enough and I’m a single parent who is struggling. But I hope they spend their money. An expectation that they not spend some of it just so they can give it to me when they’re dead is beyond repellent.

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 07:58

@scentedgeranium

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread. But tbh I'd be more worried about their situation. The value of a house doesn't go that far of either or both need long term flexible care. It sounds like they've been used to leading their lives just as they please and may be the type of people who want private live in care one day. The value of their house will mean they have to pay while they don't have any spare pennies beyond that. Tricky. Modern medicine makes this a real possibility. I speak as someone whose dad has had live in care for a year now and it's £6000 a month which he and mum can pay for without selling their house.
The house is worth a million quid
Aozora13 · 05/03/2021 07:58

OP I sort of get it. My MIL bought properties in the 60s in a slummy bit of London which then have shot up in value since the 1990s. She sold one of these, gave some money to 1 DC and said she was keeping an equivalent proportion for her other DC. Except she didn’t, she spent it all on her version of holidays and nice teeth. DH and his sibling are mightily pissed off about this, despite the fact they don’t “need” the money. But that’s maybe more about her going back on her word rather than having money and not sharing it.

I can’t really relate as I’ve never had any expectations of money and have worked hard to be independent on a similar “low” salary to you (only in mumsnet is £50K a low salary). No “inferior” private education either...

Having said that if my parents won the lottery they would share it with the family I’m sure.

Skyliner001 · 05/03/2021 07:58

Sorry, but 20 grand is not a generous deposit. If the original posters parents inherited several millions, bearing in mind that they came into the money, they did not earn it. Paragraph then it is of seen that they did not consider sharing it with their children. In fact it's really strange. The original poster I'm sure would share the money with their child if they came into a similar amount. I can't imagine any circumstance where my parents would come into this amount of money and not share it, considering they bought my house out right.

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2021 07:58

I put YABU in the post however after reading your comments and that what they had was like a surprise windfall like a lottery win

What’s the betting it wasn’t a lottery win, they sold their business or something and retired.

user88899 · 05/03/2021 07:59

They gave you £20k when you were young and you could possibly inherit a house. That's far more than most get, yes being very grabby, you need to take responsibility for your own financial situation.

LIZS · 05/03/2021 07:59

Yabu to begrudge their ability to indulge themselves while they can , potentially the expense of your "inheritance". You had an advance on that at a time when it helped you most. Do you even like them?!

Nsky · 05/03/2021 08:00

I luckily inherited money at 54 ( now 58) more than I expected ( my parents were suddenly killed via car accident, no others involved).
My three brothers and I inherited more than we hoped.
Some of that money will go to funding an earlier retirement, simply as I have aged badly, in a fairly physical job.
Yes it has helped , I never banked on it.
Nor should you

Lobelia123 · 05/03/2021 08:01

I do understand your point. Objectively speaking, wealth is built when previous generations leave a foundation for the next to build on. Its much harder when the next gen has to reset and start from zero again. If they left you an inheritance, you could build on that to leave something for your children, and so on and so on. From your OP it also sounds like they've burnt a lot of cash on transient things that have had no lasting value - cruises and dinners are amazing lifestyle things that are fantastic but dont last beyond the experience.

You're coming in for a lot of flak and being accused of being grabby by a lot of people, but I do understand your point. They were absolutely entitled to spend the money as they chose to, and they were lovely to help you with your house deposit, but I also understand why you feel that it would have been a huge advantage to have preserved some of the cash too. There's nothing you can do about it, so maybe the only way is to make peace with it, acknowledge their house deposit gift with absolute gratitude and thanks, and if you think it makes a difference, resolve to leave something for your own children.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 05/03/2021 08:02

Amazed at all these people. My parents have both inherited money in the last few years. They gave my siblings and I each a small gift using it but the rest they have enjoyed, one parent bought a car and they've had work done on their home.

They spent my childhood making sacrifices to provide things for me, why should they need to do it forever? I'm in my thirties with plenty of opportunity to earn my own money, the same isnt true for them.

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 08:02

@Skyliner001

Sorry, but 20 grand is not a generous deposit. If the original posters parents inherited several millions, bearing in mind that they came into the money, they did not earn it. Paragraph then it is of seen that they did not consider sharing it with their children. In fact it's really strange. The original poster I'm sure would share the money with their child if they came into a similar amount. I can't imagine any circumstance where my parents would come into this amount of money and not share it, considering they bought my house out right.
20k was a massive deposit at time when the average house price was 55k (79k in London).

The OP has done well enough out of that flat to have a property portfolio and the choice to give up her high paying job for one she enjoys, but pays less.

Skyliner001 · 05/03/2021 08:03

Honestly can't imagine any circumstance where they wouldn't have just bought her the house out right then

LoveYourUsername · 05/03/2021 08:04

One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.

@Lockdownschmockdown when your parents die, what's to stop you giving your inheritance from them to your children? You can do this .

We gave some of our inheritance directly to DCs. That is their house deposit.

Where is your DC's father in this scenario? Is anything coming from his side to his children?

Labobo · 05/03/2021 08:06

In the 1980s interest was at 10-13%. That means that if you inherited £200k, you'd get an annual income of 20k from it, which back then was more than enough to live on very well. But as interest rates fell, you start living on the capital.

IOW, they may have inherited nothing like 2m and still come over as wealthy, and may have given her what they perceived to be a big chunk of their windfall.

manymanymany · 05/03/2021 08:08

'challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) .'

Well that's your choice then - plenty of people work in jobs they don't love partly because they want to pass as much money as possible on to their children. Sorry but you sound grabby and irresponsible. Most people would love to be given the deposit for a house, private education and the luxury of a low paying job that they love. If you love your parents, put all ideas of inheritance out of your mind, and rejoice that they have been able to enjoy themselves. I would hate to think my parents reined in their lives to provide me with inheritance when I'm a grown adult and have made my own decisions. It's a far far better inheritance to know that they have happy lives and that you've made your own way in life.

MessAllOver · 05/03/2021 08:10

I think they've been more than fair to you. In their circumstances, though, I would have put something away for the grandchildren (to go towards uni/further study or a house deposit) since, although comfortably off, you're not in a position to offer them many of the advantages you had.

tonytiy · 05/03/2021 08:10

This thread doesn't make sense if the OP has a property portfolio & bought property 20 yrs ago 50k would be pocket change surely?

bluetongue · 05/03/2021 08:11

YABU.

My parents helped me with around 20k towards a deposit a few years ago. My grandfather died recently and I’m going to be getting some money from his estate. I fully intend to keep a small amount and give the rest to my parents towards repaying the money they lent me (not sure how much money it will be yet).

RandomLondoner · 05/03/2021 08:13

I'm with OP on this one. She's not grabby, she's confused about their approach to spending their money.

I think the answer is probably that they're not very good with investing money and simply didn't think far enough ahead.

I have no inheritances and everything I have is a result of working and investing. With a similar amounts to OP parents (let's say just over £2 million) I could live their lifestyle indefinitely, and when I die leave behind more than I started with. But I am someone who has been interested in leveraging my savings by investing since before I had my first job.

Original poster
Lockdownschmockdown · 05/03/2021 08:13

@Labobo it was definitely £2 million plus plus, was sudden and not from selling their business. It was this that enabled them to sell their business for nothing like that much.
It was in the papers at the time which is why I’m being vague.
The deposit they gave me came before this.
Not that any of this is really relevant and just exacerbates the vitriol.

OP posts:
malificent7 · 05/03/2021 08:13

They could have put aside a bit for you op i get it. It does seem a bit weird not to save your dc future...thats what im going to do. They could have had a lovely lifestyle and still saved some but on the other hand like others have said it could have gone on care anyway.

bluetongue · 05/03/2021 08:13

Oh and I wish more parents would spend MORE of their money while they’re well enough to enjoy it. They can’t give up their tight ways Grin

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 08:13

@tonytiy

This thread doesn't make sense if the OP has a property portfolio & bought property 20 yrs ago 50k would be pocket change surely?
50k was certainly very little when she was originally describing her “low paid” job.

Yet apparently life changing if it comes from the parents...

tonytiy · 05/03/2021 08:14

and that

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