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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance Shame

966 replies

Lockdownschmockdown · 04/03/2021 22:43

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

OP posts:
cptartapp · 05/03/2021 07:03

Your life goal shouldn't be to save to set your DC up for life. That's the mistake a lot of older people make and the DC squander it all after they've gone.
How do you know they will spend it as you approve of? Why should they and their partners have great holidays and big houses etc, when you could have spent and had that yourself.
My monies are for me, and the DC get what's left.

IndecentFeminist · 05/03/2021 07:03

Yes. So they get a load of cash as inheritance, spank it up the wall during their working age years, and then use up the house to fund care. Couldn't they have been a little more sensible and preserved some for future generations?

Rollmopsrule · 05/03/2021 07:04

I'm in the minority here but I can understand how feel Op. If I became wealthy one of my priorities would be sharing that good fortune with my children and grandchildren.

IndecentFeminist · 05/03/2021 07:04

Parents inherit £2 mill, retire and basically go on holiday for life. Op gets £20k and is a grabby cow. Righto.

glittereyelash · 05/03/2021 07:06

Your entitled to feel how you feel but try to be glad your parents enjoyed their retirement. I wish my mam had been able to travel more before she died. I'd happily trade any amount of money to have her back.

Choccorocco · 05/03/2021 07:06

I totally get it OP and most of these pp are comparing you to themselves or to the average rather than trying to understand your situation where the comparison is with your parents’ lifestyle and values.

I absolutely agree that if I came into lots of money then my priority would be to sort out my kids. Have they treated you over the years? If so then I could see that they probably thought they have done the right thing by you already. If not then yes I would be ashamed of myself
If I were them. I cannot imagine coming into £2m and only giving my daughter £20k. Personally I think that is selfish and tight-fisted.

£1m will buy around 25 years in a fancy care home. I do think it’s right to get people who have the means to pay for their own care but if they don’t burn through it there may be some inheritance there. An estate under £1m from 2 parents won’t qualify for inheritance tax - perhaps they have this in mind for you?

Motnight · 05/03/2021 07:06

£50k is not a low paid job, even by London standards. How much more do you need to live a reasonable life?

Op you sound incredibly entitled to me. Your parents have given you money already.

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 07:07

@IndecentFeminist

Yes. So they get a load of cash as inheritance, spank it up the wall during their working age years, and then use up the house to fund care. Couldn't they have been a little more sensible and preserved some for future generations?
They’re not going to need a million quid of care. The OP will inherit what’s left - which is very likely to be substantial.

They also set the OP up with a massive deposit for an extremely expensive flat in her twenties which had, at least in part, allowed her to build a property portfolio.

Also this is all based on the the OP assuming they inherited (or won, she changed her mind about that) millions. She doesn’t even know.

IndecentFeminist · 05/03/2021 07:10

Either way, they didn't graft for decades before a well earned retirement did they?

savvy7 · 05/03/2021 07:10

I see where you are coming from OP. People's views on inheritance do vary but my view is that wealth should support a comfortable lifestyle and then be passed on down the generations. I would never fritter away my money and see my DC struggling - isn't the point that you want to see your DC have a comfortable life?

IndecentFeminist · 05/03/2021 07:11

If I or my parents had inherited that level of wealth, we'd have bought houses for each other outright.

TrickyD · 05/03/2021 07:12

Inheritance topics always go very badly on here as they unleash the jealousy of posters who are less fortunate and can’t stand others having any good fortune.

OP, you are not unreasonable or grabby, I find it extraordinary that parents who are well able to are not generous to their children.

letsnotscaretheneighbours · 05/03/2021 07:13

You cannot blame your parents for your life choices.

I've worked by backside off for 26 years. I've been through many redundancies, two divorces, being a single parent for 15 years, etc. I'm 43, and now I'm concentrating on paying off the mortgage, paying money into my pension and putting money into savings.

My parents and one of my grandparents are still alive. They have helped occasionally when things have been tight, but I've never asked or expected it but they've insisted, mainly as I'm going to get it all anyway, so I might as well have it when I need it (their words).

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 07:15

@IndecentFeminist

Either way, they didn't graft for decades before a well earned retirement did they?
Apart from the business that put the OP through private school...

They made choices. Just as the OP made choices to take a lower paid job she loved rather than maximise her income.

Her parents are in their 80s so the OP is statistically likely to get her inheritance around a similar age to her parents. So she’ll then be able to decide if she wants to sell her property portfolio and retire on her inheritance and that. Just as her parents did with their inheritance and business.

SpilltheTea · 05/03/2021 07:15

I wouldn't begrudge my parents enjoying their money. They've given you money and you're essentially moaning that it's not enough. Why do you feel so entitled to money you didn't earn?

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 07:16

I find it staggering that so many people on her see the OP as hard done by.

It’s fucking hilarious.

MyLittleOrangutan · 05/03/2021 07:17

I'm not sure. I see where you're coming from. I want to set my child up and help them in life. But I also want our parents and other elderly relatives to stop worrying about leaving us money and to enjoy their life.

Standrewsschool · 05/03/2021 07:19

You stand to inherit a million pound house, and you’re earning £50 grand-ish a year. Hardly destitute, as your op suggests.

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2021 07:21

This thread though, you made out in your op you were a single parent struggling in a low income job, now say you earn over fifty grand a year and also have a property portfolio on top. Portfolio means a range, so a number of properties. Yet fifty k would be life changing? When you own a number of properties?

You clearly want your parents to give you even more money. And you’re possibly set to inherit upwards of a million pounds.

Honestly never read anything so grabby.

WaltzingBetty · 05/03/2021 07:21

@Lockdownschmockdown

It’s not that I want or need their money particularly. I get by fine and am pretty frugal and my kids certainly know the value of money, though we don’t go without.

It’s more that sharing it seems never to have crossed their minds, except for the house deposit which was an amazing gift as it got me on the housing ladder young and I am very grateful for it.

I reckon they inherited several millions though and proportionally its not much.

It’s more the desire to have a ball without considering their offspring much that I can’t relate to. I’d sooner live in a caravan and give my kids everything.

And someone mentioned I’d get the house, well not necessarily if they need care.

Your parents gave you a stable upbringing and a private education and you think that they didn't consider you at all? Confused

You're an adult. Stop feeling entitled to their money and bitter that they've dared to enjoy themselves rather than continued to sacrifice for you their adult daughter, and focus on making your own life successful

TeenTitan007 · 05/03/2021 07:25

@Lockdownschmockdown - I feel like most of the folks here have missed the point you are making.

This isn't about OP's private schooling or comfortable upbringing. It's purely about the win and how her parent's handled it.

If a couple were to win 2 Million pounds in a lottery, surely 20k is just 1%? That's peanuts. Most people would consider sharing a win so large with close family - at least their own children - that too adult!. And if not a big chunk at least 10%? Which would be £200k.
And even if they feel the person might waste it they'd put it in a trust or something.

Can't see how anyone here thinks that a 1% gift out of 2 million lottery win is 'generous'!

I am with you OP. This is sad and a bit selfish of your parents. They should've considered you more and you are not wrong to feel upset. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do about it but hope that they have a secret stash for you that they haven't told you about.

FOJN · 05/03/2021 07:26

Why did you portray yourself as a struggling single parent on a low income in your OP? Are you so out of touch that you genuinely think 50k is a low income or was it because you were trying to influence the way the thread went?

strawberry777 · 05/03/2021 07:26

20k that long ago was a decent amount of money! We are helping our dc out with the same amount now for a house deposit, but in the future I'll expect them to stand on their own two feet.

I wouldn't want to see them struggle and would help them out with things (e.g. if car breaks and they can't afford to get it fixed etc) but I don't intend to go without holidays etc so I can give the money to them instead! They'll get what's left when we've gone.

year5teacher · 05/03/2021 07:26

I think YABVVVU. I can’t imagine when thinking about my parents dying, being cross/sad that I wouldn’t get money. I know it’s because of your feeling that they didn’t care enough, but I really can’t see where you’re coming from. They gave you £20k and sent you to private school. I don’t expect my parents to save anything for me. Why would I?

Hattych · 05/03/2021 07:27

OP, I understand where you are coming from. I wonder if there are other things in your relationship with your parents that make you feel unvalued?

Posters on here tend to think anything to do with inheritance is grabby or entitled. My FIL recently got £80k from his Mother which I know will never be passed on, and is basically just allowing him to never work. His selfishness annoys me. I can't imagine anyone in my situation cheering him on at the expense of their own children - anything we get will be only for DC.

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