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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance Shame

966 replies

Lockdownschmockdown · 04/03/2021 22:43

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

OP posts:
AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight · 05/03/2021 06:19

There is something a bit distasteful about your parents' ostentatious spending, OP, but so is there about your feeling of entitlement to an inheritance.

IME it is very freeing not to be expecting one.

whiteroseredrose · 05/03/2021 06:24

In answer to your newer question OP, unless there are specific circumstances, if I won £1 million or more, half of it would be immediately allocated to my DC.

I'd have bought you the flat not just given a deposit.

The private schooling is a red herring. It doesn't necessarily make a difference to someone's future life. More about your parents' feeling good.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 05/03/2021 06:28

They sent you to private school & gave you £20k for a house deposit. That IS setting you up for life?

You are an adult, yet nothing in your post takes responsibility for your own financial position. If you want money get out and earn it. Grabby doesn't even cover it.

AlmightyBob · 05/03/2021 06:29

I wouldn't expect to inherit any money from my parents, due to their circumstances - my mum owns her house outright but if she needs care when she's older, that will need to go. My dad is terrible with money and has nothing to his name.

However in your situation, given the sums involved, and can see why you feel a bit of resentment that your parents didn't put some money away for you when they were able to, especially if you're sure you would do that in their situation. But it is what it is, and having acknowledged those feelings I think it's best to accept the situation and try to move on, otherwise the resentment will fester. It doesn't make you a bad person or a 'grabby cow', but nurturing the grievance won't be doing you much good.

Potterythrowdown · 05/03/2021 06:30

So your private education lead to a good job in London, your 20k gifted deposit helped you buy an expensive flat 25 years ago and a subsequent property portfolio, you left your London career for a "low paid" career which earns 50k and is a rewarding role in itself, and you potentially stand to inherit a £1m house? And you're miffed they haven't spent more on you?

I dunno, maybe they just don't like you enough.

AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight · 05/03/2021 06:32

@Potterythrowdown

So your private education lead to a good job in London, your 20k gifted deposit helped you buy an expensive flat 25 years ago and a subsequent property portfolio, you left your London career for a "low paid" career which earns 50k and is a rewarding role in itself, and you potentially stand to inherit a £1m house? And you're miffed they haven't spent more on you?

I dunno, maybe they just don't like you enough.

Hang on, she earns 50k in her 'low paid' job?
MsTSwift · 05/03/2021 06:34

Dreadful attitude. Can’t relate at all. If you are that money focussed you should have gone to the City in your twenties and worked your arse off. That’s what dh and I both did to set ourselves up rather than expecting our parents to do so like whiny toddlers.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 05/03/2021 06:36

Also do they agree with your career choice?

I'd be quite cross with my kids if I felt they had to ability and education to earn more but were choosing to remain in a poorly paid occupation. It would really reduce my desire to give them money as I would not want to enable them to make poor financial choices. Your parents may feel the same.

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 06:36

Hang on, she earns 50k in her 'low paid' job?

@AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight Yep. Poor soul. I’ve no idea how she copes... I mean, if things get too tight before she inherits the million quid house she might have to sell part of her property portfolio...

thecatsthecats · 05/03/2021 06:44

I wonder if the OP's parents feel a little that OP should be acting to make more of her own life.

OP mentions that they retired giving up a successful business, which was the thing putting her through private school presumably, since they got the inheritance late forties.

Then they get this big inheritance, and give her a house deposit - and she takes it and stays in this low-paid, challenging job (I guess the "low paid" part doesn't facilitate private schooling for their grandkids?).

I'm not saying that it's right, but they could be thinking, well, why aren't you doing anything with your life? By your age they had EARNED their benefits, not inherited them.

My own mum takes quite a firm line with my sister, who is a teacher, because the workload is high and my sister is often in tears. My parents are generous to us, but they wouldn't pay to sustain or improve what they saw as poor choices. I'm well off, and they refused to give part of my share to help my sister with her deposit at my suggestion. (And my sister has grudgingly admitted after years of strain that my mum is in essence right - she loves teaching, but the career is taking the piss out of her basically.)

Based on OP's posts, I can imagine her parents feeling the same way.

Souther · 05/03/2021 06:47

Yanbu.
All I do is for my kids.
I spend my time ensuring they work hard at school and have every chance life can give them.
If I came into a large sum of money I.would spend it making memories for them and save some for their future.
Maybe its because I've been brought up in a different culture. But I personally I feel your parents have been either very careless or selfish.
There is no harm in enjoying themselves but they should have ensured there was a decent amount left for yourself. If a parent can afford it I think they are obligated to give their child a helping hand.
Unfortunately all you can do is make sure its different when it.comes to your own kids.

peak2021 · 05/03/2021 06:48

I understand wanting as good a life for your children in particular, but it is their money/wealth and they have been supportive.

AlmightyBob · 05/03/2021 06:48

I wouldn't consider 50K a year 'low paid' either - it's over twice what I earn! - but I guess if it was a total household income in somewhere like London it would seem low paid.

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 06:52

@Souther

Yanbu. All I do is for my kids. I spend my time ensuring they work hard at school and have every chance life can give them. If I came into a large sum of money I.would spend it making memories for them and save some for their future. Maybe its because I've been brought up in a different culture. But I personally I feel your parents have been either very careless or selfish. There is no harm in enjoying themselves but they should have ensured there was a decent amount left for yourself. If a parent can afford it I think they are obligated to give their child a helping hand. Unfortunately all you can do is make sure its different when it.comes to your own kids.
Souther - do you not thing giving the OP (who was very high earning at the time) a massive deposit to allow her to buy an extremely expensive (at the time) flat was giving a helping hand?
Bumpitybumper · 05/03/2021 06:53

I agree with OP. Her parents didn't earn their fortune, but inherited it. I think it was incredibly selfish for them to squander the money when it could have potentially been life changing for subsequent generations like OP and her DC too. I'm not saying OP's parents couldn't have enjoyed it to some extent, but spending it all on enjoying themselves is a bit much and it does seem harsh that they didn't consider how they could look after and grow the money to forward the legacy.

I don't like the way so many posers imply that OP shouldn't expect any inheritance and should be willing and able to make it on her own. Of course she could, but it is so much harder without money. Like it or not, we live in a society where money creates choice and opportunity. It's much easier to succeed if you have money behind you and are able to invest in your education, take that unpaid internship or start that business you have a great idea for. Her parents have maxed out living their best life at the expense of future generations getting a helping hand and I think it's fine to be a bit a miffed about that.

OverTheRainbow88 · 05/03/2021 06:55

They gifted you £20k

You earn 50k

You might inherit a 1 million pound house, or what’s left of that equity.

Please, grow up and see the privilege in your life

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 06:56

@Bumpitybumper You do realise the OP is in line to inherit a house with £1million?

That’s hardly nothing...

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 06:56

*worth

Glitterb · 05/03/2021 06:57

You are incredibly lucky that both your parents have managed to have a lovely long life into their 80s, a lot of people are not that lucky!

I would rather have my parents here than any amount of inheritance.

BullOx · 05/03/2021 06:59

Around 1995/96 the average house price was £60k.

So a £120k flat must be quite lavish, and your parents gave you funds to enable the purchase. This will have appreciated quite considerably in the last 25 years.

IndecentFeminist · 05/03/2021 07:00

No-one healthy needs to retire in their 40ies. That amount of money fell onto their lap, they should have shared or been more careful. Especially saving for care.

If they retired in their late 40ies they worked for say 30 years on a good estimate. They will be retired on an inheritance from someone else for a lot.longer than that. Not the most fiscally responsible.

BeeDavis · 05/03/2021 07:02

You’ve had 20k.. that’s your inheritance. You know full well you’re a grabby cow.

billybagpuss · 05/03/2021 07:02

My parents have always been frugal savers, they don’t spend anything (except the weekly alcohol bill) saving primarily for their old age. They paid for my wedding from a small inheritance. They have helped us out with small bits and bobs over the years but nothing major.

They are comfortable financially but nowhere near what yours are I wish to god my parents would spend some of their money and have some fun. They are late 70s but are old 70s ifyswim whereas yours have lived and are clearly young 80s fit and enthusiastic whereas mine do nothing and are not in good health as a result. I strongly believe yours are less likely to need long term care as they are keeping active and are enthusiastic about life.

Sapho47 · 05/03/2021 07:02

On 50k a year, and seemingly much higher before that, to make 50k low, her parents may just think "she doesn't need the money"

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 07:02

@IndecentFeminist

No-one healthy needs to retire in their 40ies. That amount of money fell onto their lap, they should have shared or been more careful. Especially saving for care.

If they retired in their late 40ies they worked for say 30 years on a good estimate. They will be retired on an inheritance from someone else for a lot.longer than that. Not the most fiscally responsible.

Saving for care?

They have a fully paid off million quid house... 😂