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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance Shame

966 replies

Lockdownschmockdown · 04/03/2021 22:43

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 05/03/2021 01:34

I have known a few couples who have had large inheritances from parents or and grandparents, who had been very frugal and careful with their money for years,, only for these inheritances to be blown by the younger people on ridiculous things quite quickly. and gone in a very short time.

Shnuffles · 05/03/2021 01:47

My opinion of the situation alters somewhat with the information that it was more of a lottery win than an inheritance. Rightly or not, I feel that inherited money, if it's a very large sum, shouldn't be spent "frivolously" to the point that there's nothing left for children and grandchildren.

Lottery winnings are a little different. It doesn't seem like quite so much of a slap in the face for parents to spend most of a lottery win on themselves. It's not unreasonable to wish that they had wanted to save more for their family, but it does seem like you're doing pretty well for yourself. They probably felt that you wouldn't lack for anything you really need.

GreenlandTheMovie · 05/03/2021 02:33

I sympathise with you OP, my parents are like that too. DF retired at 50, both he and DM are in their mid seventies now and haven't run out of money yet. Both had perfectly ordinary jobs but I believe two large inheritances which they have kept secret and lie about not receiving if pushed. They are very selfish and never do anything for anyone else or help anyone, though I believe they did guve DB a huge deposit for his flat years back in order to get him to actually leave home (they deny that too but there's no other way he could have afforded it). Ridiculously, they like to trot out the line of being poor pensioners.

It's just the sheer profligacy, the wasting of money. Their latest news is they've bought another new car (because they "deserve" nice things. And a pedigree puppy, which will apparently travel with them to one of their holiday homes abroad (they have two). I cannot see the point in two people in their mid seventies who never even go for a short walk getting a lively 3 month old puppy, as it will obviously be rehomed in a few months when the novelty wears off.

They have a ridiculously large house, 2 cars, a motor homes and 2 holiday homes. A typical pre covid year would be 4 months abroad, a Caribbean cruise and another exotic holiday somewhere else such as Thailand or the Maldives. They went to China one year. DF likes to remind us at every opportunity not to expect anything from them as he intends to spend it all.

GF, whom I'm pretty sure one of the inheritances came from, would be mortified that it wasn't being used to support the GC's education and being spent on stuff like that, because he was really frugal.

It's awful to see. The pair of them are literally glorifying in wasting someone else's money. Their entire conversation now consists of how superior they are to other people who can't afford all this stuff, because they didn't "plan".

Monty27 · 05/03/2021 02:45

Are ppl actually waiting for their folks to croak it so they don't spend any more inheritance?
Jeez

Wandavision · 05/03/2021 03:08

But realistically even with a windfall of 2 million it's not like it's going to finance several generations to come without them having to fund their own income? Even if OP states 'well I'd set aside some for my own DC'. The chances are they wouldn't then have anything left to set aside for their own DC beyond property? Unless the expectation is nobody ever spends the money? 🙄 Is this not how stately homes end up with the National Trust? Somebody starts off inheriting a bloody big house, and then it rolls down the generations till someone runs out of cash to fix the roof, and purchase enough buckets to catch the rain...

CakesOfVersailles · 05/03/2021 03:16

@Wandavision

I'm not saying OP's parents should have done this but you can invest the money. If you withdraw less than the fund grows you will never run out of money. That is how the people who didn't have to sell their stately homes do it.

LovePoppy · 05/03/2021 03:34

@Lockdownschmockdown

So many assumptions! I don’t want my parents to do anything except live as long and healthily as possible. I was trying to explore this issue of the windfall. I have been vague about the source of the wealth as I know exploring this is an emotive issue and I do not want out myself. We don’t really speak about money so I have had to estimate most of the values. I have not always been in this career. I switched from a higher paid one which was london centric and not compatible with family life.
No You just want your parents to have the same priorities as you. The fact that that would benefit you is coincidental.

I get you are hurt, but you’re conning off extremely poorly. £20k is a lot of money. 1/6tg your flat paid for was huge.

You need to learn to accept you cannot change your parents.

This sounds like one part of larger issues you have with them.

You truly do not sound happy for them. No matter how many times you say it

Chunkymenrock · 05/03/2021 04:12

They were very generous to you in the past. It absolutely is their own money to have spent as the pleased. I don't expect anything from my parents. Inheritance is a bonus not a right and I have brought my children up to make their own way in life and be responsible. I will help them financially a little if I can, but it's not my responsibility to pay for other adults. So yabu.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 05/03/2021 04:12

Well to be fair you’re not very good with money or making good choices yourself so leave them be.

You were given £20k 20 years ago, a huge deposit back then. Plus they gave you an expensive education. How on Earth can you be struggling now ? Maybe start thinking about your decision making skills instead of circling your parents like a vulture. You’ve had the kind of opportunities most would’ve killed for.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 05/03/2021 04:16

And if they gave you an expensive education and you used it to go into a poorly paid job that’s 100% on you or was the plan to coast whilst waiting for an expected large inheritance?

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 05/03/2021 04:24

I bet the parents know the OPs mindset so have money tucked away to pass straight to the grandkids.

Sunshine1922 · 05/03/2021 04:43

I see where you are coming from OP.

If I inherited 2 million pounds, I would have done the house deposit, and I would have included my kids on some family holidays and bought them presents.

I would have put some money in trust for grandkids and kids.

If I was close to my parents, I'd feel a little left out to watch all that money be spent without much long term thought for me and my children.

Yes it's their money and they can spent it how they want, but I'd be a bit sad that they had spent the last 20 years throwing money around and not looked to share the experience.

SunscreenCentral · 05/03/2021 04:48

I bet they are Tory Brexiteers and don’t give a hoot. OP, paddle your own canal because you’ve gotten what you’ll get and lucky you were to have it.

SpeakingFranglais · 05/03/2021 05:24

Wow, 20k 25 years ago was half the value of my two up two down house.

In our area the equivalent of 70k today.

YABU especially since you will get the value of their house when they die if they don’t need care.

You were also privately educated at a significant amount, I think in the kindest way your privileged upbringing has left you with a sense of entitlement.

Bubbles1st · 05/03/2021 05:35

Have you seen their will ? Do you know for a fact they haven't got some money tied up for you?

I often think I wish my dad would share his wealth. Then I remember it's his. He is generous in his own way and I'm grateful to both my parents for the financial independence they instilled in me. If they have any to leave me when they die- well that will be least of my worries as I grieve.

I'd be delighted with the deposit they gave you and happy they lived a fulfilling life.

Keratinsmooth · 05/03/2021 05:40

You had your house deposit?! That’s more than most people get, me included. If they don’t need a lot of care then you will get the house.

If you want the life that they had then you need to work hard in a highly paid job.

Keratinsmooth · 05/03/2021 05:46

I’ve read all your updates. You did say it was an inheritance that your parents received.

You had a deposit for a property given to you, you earn £50k a year and will inherit their house (care fees won’t cost £1m so you will get something) and this isn’t enough for you?

SpeckledyHen · 05/03/2021 05:55

Are you certain that you know everything about your parents finances OP ?

Perhaps they have something tucked away for you when they have gone , along with the house .

I do get where you are coming from from . We are giving our 2 sons part of their inheritance whilst they are young adults to enjoy now . Partly because they need it in order to buy property etc and partly selfishly because we want to see them enjoy it . Gap years abroad etc. They are working hard to save and we are matching it for both of them .We are older parents and won’t be around to see them get old .

Aprilx · 05/03/2021 05:58

According to the Bank of England calculator £20k 25 years ago would have been £39k today. I was 25, 25 years ago and of somebody gave me the equivalent of £20k it would have changed my life. I didn’t get the private education either. It sounds like you haven’t made enough of these great opportunities your parents provided for you, or did you want them to bankroll you forever and you never take responsibility for yourself.

You are still presumably going to inherit a house as well. My inheritance was about half the sum they gave you 25 years ago, but I have still managed to get on in life.

www.bankofengland.co.uk/monetary-policy/inflation/inflation-calculator

ivykaty44 · 05/03/2021 06:02

25 years ago I purchased an average 3 bed house in a nice area, purchase price £100k

That house is now worth £500k

£20k deposit would now be £100k

You had a very handsome early inheritance

Cccc1111 · 05/03/2021 06:05

Very grabby. It’s pretty disgusting when people are relying on waiting for people to die, to improve their finances.

£20k that long ago was a lot of money then. It’s sad you’re that ungrateful to not appreciate they gave you a big leg up then.

They gave you a private education, some of us only dream of having had an education that good. They gave you the tools to get yourself a good life. You didn’t use your private education to get a good job, you’ve wasted what they gave you.

No I have zero sympathy, and I’m glad they’ve spent all their money in themselves.

Sapho47 · 05/03/2021 06:10

@Bubbles1st

Have you seen their will ? Do you know for a fact they haven't got some money tied up for you?

I often think I wish my dad would share his wealth. Then I remember it's his. He is generous in his own way and I'm grateful to both my parents for the financial independence they instilled in me. If they have any to leave me when they die- well that will be least of my worries as I grieve.

I'd be delighted with the deposit they gave you and happy they lived a fulfilling life.

I think a lot of people see an inheritance as "free stuff" but its really the most expensive thing you'll ever get.

Just think what it cost you

Ploughingthrough · 05/03/2021 06:11

You've had it okay - a private education, 20k for a house deposit and you will inherit their home. You have to take personal responsibility for your life, it is not for your parents to have doled out more to support you.

sweetnessnfight · 05/03/2021 06:15

£20k is a very large sum, my parents have given me nothing since I left home. Actually no my mum gave me £500 once when she came into some money. You do sound grabby imo. Make your own money!

Etherealhedgehog · 05/03/2021 06:19

My parents are comfortably well off and also gave me 20k to help with a house deposit - I don't consider that to be a small sum at all!? I feel incredibly lucky as it will make the difference for me and DP being able to buy our own place. The difference is that they are planning on leaving money to me and my brother, but tbh (and yes, I realise this is easy for me to say) I wish they weren't so focused on it. I would honestly rather that they and people like them had spent their lives supporting politicians in favour of free universal childcare, and improving funding to the NHS, rather than always plumping for those who promised the lowest taxes - always justified by 'your inheritance.' Free childcare and a health system I could really rely on would make a much bigger difference to my quality of life now than the promise of some money that hopefully won't materialise until I'm close to retirement age. Also, DP is from a much less well off background with no expectation of money from parents and this makes me very aware of the extent to which inheritance perpetuates inequality in this country. Honestly I think they should massively increase the burden of inheritance tax and encourage everyone to do what your parents have done so that we can move a tiny bit closer to being a genuinely meritocratic and equal society