Inheritance Shame

[Lockdownschmockdown]

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

Get off your arse and make your own money. Resentful that your parents didn't sacrifice their lifestyle to make yours a bit easier? You're taking the piss.

It sounds like they already gave you a privileged life, private school costs are considerably high and a house deposit. Inheritance doesn’t even cross my mind, losing my parents though is something that often does and I dread the day it happens. I think you’re being unreasonable.

Fuck I'm still reeling at how they cut me out of their lives, money whatever so my view is skewed but yeah, the probate went through and they both cut me off. AND my kids! I have to explain to my 17-year-old daughter why her grandmother and aunt don't answer her messages, tell her it's grief and some other shit. 'Never mind, I can make up my own mind,' and she blocked them both. 'What a shite thing to do. Ma, we lost my sister, you didn't just cut me off.' 'Darling, give it time, they don't understand.' 'They're bloody ADULTS, Ma, far older than I am. I can go to work, drive a car, I can't even buy a drink in a bar, don't make excuses for them, it's me they cut off, too.'

Seriously, just let this go. It's not worth the aggro and stress.

@Lockdownschmockdown

So many assumptions! I don’t want my parents to do anything except live as long and healthily as possible. I was trying to explore this issue of the windfall. I have been vague about the source of the wealth as I know exploring this is an emotive issue and I do not want out myself. We don’t really speak about money so I have had to estimate most of the values. I have not always been in this career. I switched from a higher paid one which was london centric and not compatible with family life.

You haven’t been vague. You outright stated they inherited then claimed you hadn’t. that’s not vague.

So your parents help allowed your to change career and build a property portfolio? What more do you want?

I switched from a higher paid one which was london centric and not compatible with family life. So you had a highly paid job that set you up sufficiently to get a property portfolio and take a paycut for a better life balance. Jeez is like your parents got you a good education, set you on the property ladder and demonstrated a good work ethic that set you up for life. How could they!!!!!

@sst1234

Come one now, that’s unfair, what do you want to know, her NI number. She has engaged with some very sharp posters. She has shared enough to paint a picture. One that would be right at home in Islington circles.

It’s hardly asking for an NI number to expect her to be honest to get fair replies.

OP started (and continued for a while) to misrepresent her financial situation. Unless asked, she would have said she earned nearly £50K and had a property portfolio and stood to inherit a £1m property (that’s not all going to go on care fees, if any of it).

I wouldn’t surprised if OP is holding several hundred thousand in equity in her property portfolio and own home. In that context, should she be given money by her parents?

Oh and the property portfolio. All speculative for growth, so no income? I doubt it. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s the nearby £50K salary plus rental income - either as cash, or paying BTL mortgages so increasing those asset values.

Yes, OP has given some replies, and every one has made it look like there’s more money she hasn’t mentioned.

Of course she doesn’t owe us a balance sheet or an NI number... but it’s taking the piss a bit to ask a “moral” question when presenting a financial situation that’s so wide of the mark of her reality.

Unfortunately that’s your own problem and not your parents

You took a pay cut, they don’t need to pay for your decisions

If I was you OP I’d just accept that most people think you are wrong and adjust your mindset and get on with it

Cest la vie

Come one now, that’s unfair, what do you want to know, her NI number. She has engaged with some very sharp posters. She has shared enough to paint a picture. One that would be right at home in Islington circles.

No, OP said she wouldn't be getting much inheritance.

She didn't put "other than a house worth £1m" after it...

I switched from a higher paid one which was london centric and not compatible with family life.

"AIBU to think my mum was selfish to give up her very well paid job rather than getting a nanny and having more disposable income that could have gone into savings for me to inherit?"

Would you think this a fair post for your child when you're in your 80s? Thought not.

She has engaged with some very sharp posters. She has shared enough to paint a picture. A picture of a financially struggling single mom in a low paid job with very little likely in inheritance. So basically not her life

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Come one now, that’s unfair, what do you want to know, her NI number. She has engaged with some very sharp posters. She has shared enough to paint a picture. One that would be right at home in Islington circles.

No, OP said she wouldn't be getting much inheritance.

She didn't put "other than a house worth £1m" after it...

But she would only get the 1m house if they don’t go into care so fingers crossed that doesn’t happen

Heaven forbid they did require care I think op would have a breakdown at potentially getting nothing

You switched from a higher paid career, high enough to allow you to build a portfolio.

Write your moral question this way:

• my daughter has a house but works in a low paid job, should I help her financially - I can easily afford to.

• my daughter earns about £50K a year. She used to earn a lot more, but chose to change, albeit for valid family reasons. She’s got a house with lots of equity and a property portfolio. Should I help her financially? I can easily afford to.

Look a bit differently.

What do you want them to do now?
Monthy allowance?
Maybe they should start giving you some of the value of the million pound house now for tax purposes.
You're on another planet to me.
My dad died at 35. We inherited 1k each 20 years later.
I'd give a million pounds for my dad not to be dead.
You don't know how lucky you are.

"am not sure of the house value. I would guess very roughly a million now but they will most likely be around for a good while yet so it’s not really relevant is it."

Well statistically theyre going to be dead in 5 years so kind of relevant.

But even if they live another 15 that 1 mill house will be closer to 2 Mill pluss then.

Youre getting over a million pound inheritance and are complaining its not more.

Can you explain to us what you'd prefer op? What would you have done differently if you were your parents ?
Would you consider the house your inheritance? If it's worth circa £1m that's quite a substantial sum of money to inherit minus tax of course!

The care argument...

The average cost of care home care (Feb 2021 figures) is £704 per week. £888 for a nursing home. Her parents are healthy, in their 80s. Most adults do not go into care homes.

Let’s assume they both do - for 10 years. Take the £704 figure, as the reality is they’re both both going into a care home for 10 years, are they! And more expensive nursing care later in the 10 years can be balanced against at hold visits in the earlier years.

If they both have 10 years at £704 per week (they’re already in their 80s, this isn’t going to happen!) then OP will still get £270K out of that house.

Seeing as she described £50K as life changing, I’m sure the £270K would be amazing!

*at home, not at hold!

In what way would 50k, in your current position, be life changing?

I voted YABU because I don't think anyone has a right to expect any support beyond the age of 18 but the reality is that lots of people do get additional help and from parents who consistently put their children's interests first.

Now I've read the whole thread, I do understand more where LockdownSchmockdown is coming from. Her parents have been incredibly fortunate. It's not like they are like Warren Buffet or Bill and Melinda Gates who have made it clear that their children will inherit substantial sums but who plan to leave the majority of their wealth to charity.

The only thing I can say is that you do have an inheritance, LockdownSchmockdown. It's just that it's not the one you thought of. You work in a socially responsible job; they gave up work. You are building up a property portfolio; they have prioritised their lifestyle. You are thinking constantly about your child's security; they have not even thought about their own care needs. Seriously, you might even find they want you to help them if they start to need care.

It comes across that you would have been happier to get £100 from parents who had no money but did their absolute best for their children than to have received the £20k deposit. However, they have enabled you to make choices in your own life. I's still YABU but I understand why you posted this.

I understand what you are saying .

It's a hard one because the money was inherited maybe they have just seen it as a bonus which was left solely to them so they are enjoying it so I think fair play to them .

Maybe they think you are doing alright in life and you don't need a inheritance as such and they might think the house they live in is enough inheritance for you .

Also with regards you and your thinking I'd be along the lines of you be nice to leave and set something up for the children when I've departed this life.

One thing I've learnt is not everyone has the same view point with regards inheritance it's either all or nothing at all get left ! like my grandad with his 60/40 will brother and sister my mum she got 40 left by her in the will we never understand to this day why it was not split 50/50 but they were his wishes !

OP I think you do just need to accept that your parents' attitude to their inheritance is not the same as yours (should you receive such a sum). That's it.

I know that MN is an anonymous forum to vent/ask, and that you would probably never disclose your feelings in real life, but there is a risk that you are becoming increasingly bitter toward your parents. Just focus on what you can do for yourself and any children you may have in the future, rather than getting hung up on, "oh but if my parents had done X/Y/Z we would be better of".

@JustLyra

In what way would 50k, in your current position, be life changing?

She xould buy yet another buy to let propertty?

DH and I bought our first house in 1996 just a month before our baby was born. We had to save up the 5% deposit in the previous 6 months. Our house cost £43,000. My parent were doing just fine with lump sums in the bank, no mortgage and a valuable house.

How much do you think they gave us?

£0

£20,000 would have changed our lives.

I can’t say I personally understand the mindset of your parents if I’m honest OP. If I were fortunate to win several million on the lottery then I would have invested the vast majority so that my family (and myself) were set up for years to come. Hopefully generations to come. When you have money you can generate more, more easily.

I wouldn’t have sank the vast majority of it on holidays. But that’s my mindset and preference.

Do you actually know that they’ve frittered it away though? It’s obviously their prerogative to have done so but it does feel a bit of a waste. If they had invested it then they could’ve used the money generated from that for the holidays etc.

Nope, can’t see where you are coming from. They gave you a house deposit.