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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance Shame

966 replies

Lockdownschmockdown · 04/03/2021 22:43

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

OP posts:
LBXXX · 05/03/2021 00:23

OP what do you consider enough?

They’ve given you 20-25k but yet you want more? How much more would satisfy you?

It sounds like you’re jealous that they’ve been able to retire and live this wonderful life and you know you won’t be able to do that.

I just don’t really understand how much more off them do you want? What do you consider enough?

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 00:23

Op why do you assume it’s several millions they inherited?

therealteamdebbie · 05/03/2021 00:23

Cos it blows your complaining (either s out money or mindset) out of the water if they’re expecting to pass on a £750K house.

no need to exaggerate either, that's hardly a mansion.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/03/2021 00:24

@saraclara

I honestly don't see a private education as a generous gift to a child. It's something that the parent wants, not the offspring.
It isn't a gift, but it is done in the interests of providing their children with the best education / start they can. Ok there's some who might do it just to look good but do you really think it's mostly a selfish gesture with no concern for the child's future?
SymphonyofShadows · 05/03/2021 00:24

Full marks for the drip drip drip though OP

Snookie00 · 05/03/2021 00:24

To all these posters who say you’re being grabby, entitled. Would you really not share a massive windfall with your family? To better their lives and their kids? I can’t imagine having so much cash and not sharing it with my family. Of course the OP is an adult but I happily share my good fortune with my kids, my siblings and my parents.

therealteamdebbie · 05/03/2021 00:28

@Snookie00

To all these posters who say you’re being grabby, entitled. Would you really not share a massive windfall with your family? To better their lives and their kids? I can’t imagine having so much cash and not sharing it with my family. Of course the OP is an adult but I happily share my good fortune with my kids, my siblings and my parents.
I honestly don't think these posters ever consider this.

it's more about them not having received a 20k gift, so anyone else who did is a spoilt brat.

There's always a very weird direction in these threads.

FOJN · 05/03/2021 00:28

I think you've had such a privileged life you simply have no idea what life is like for most people. I am fascinated that you think your parents should have made additional financial provision for you even though you don't actually need it and you were given a deposit for a house.

You say you don't have a well paying job but in 1996 you were able to get a mortgage for 100k (if 20k was your total deposit and represented a sixth of the property value) which would mean you had an above average income then, most people's salary increases with age so either you've taken a lower paying job or your income is a bit like the "small sum" of 20k and not that low at all.

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 00:28

@Snookie00

To all these posters who say you’re being grabby, entitled. Would you really not share a massive windfall with your family? To better their lives and their kids? I can’t imagine having so much cash and not sharing it with my family. Of course the OP is an adult but I happily share my good fortune with my kids, my siblings and my parents.
Do you not think giving a massive house deposit and planning to leave their estate to her is sharing?

The OP was given 20k (she thinks, so could have been more) at a time when the average London house cost 79k. That’s a huge step up. Not to mention giving her the opportunity to work in a job she loves, rather than having to chase a high salary.

Starseeking · 05/03/2021 00:28

This is grabby OP.

If you were able to buy a 1 bedroom flat for £120k 25 years ago, that flat is likely to be worth at least £700k (or more) today.

It also sounds like you are an only child if your parents big house will be going to you; this is probably worth over £1m in today's money.

You've received a lot of help from your parents OP, they set you up well for life, and should be able to enjoy their money in peace. It's your own choices which have limited what you'd like to do.

Original poster
Lockdownschmockdown · 05/03/2021 00:28

I am not sure of the house value. I would guess very roughly a million now but they will most likely be around for a good while yet so it’s not really relevant is it.

Again though, it’s not about the actual figures, I know I’m privileged and have mentioned several times I am grateful and I do not begrudge my parents anything. I just do not understand the way they think.

OP posts:
LBXXX · 05/03/2021 00:29

Yes but they have shared that money! They gave her 25k!!

It’s not like they’ve had this money and left her hung out to dry!

So if OP got a large sum of money from them she shouldn’t spend it, she should pass it down to her children

And then her children shouldn’t spend it and pass it on to their children

Moneys money it comes and goes

HoppingPavlova · 05/03/2021 00:29

I think you are grabby and have an odd mindset. It’s anticipated that neither my parents or DH’s parents will be leaving anything by way of inheritance even though they were comfortable and successful throughout their working life. Pre-Covid DH’s parents had at least 3 long overseas holidays (8 weeks odd) per year post retirement. All Gold Class travel, hotels etc. That rips through the money and it’s theirs to spend on them. As long as their house covers any future care costs that’s fine by us - why wouldn’t it be!

TheSilveryPussycat · 05/03/2021 00:29

I was always taught to hang on to capital, but use it to generate an income, and draw on capital for occasional luxuries that income would not cover.

I have now inherited from a parent. During their lifetime, they arranged their finances to minimise Inheritance Tax when the time came, which included gifting me and my siblings fairly large sums of money while they were still alive.

My siblings and I had to approach this parent to suggest that they looked into how to arrange their finances. It felt a bit grabby, but without them taking action, they would have passed on a fair bit less to us all, and paid more in tax. We assumed they would rather the money went to us rather than the tax man.

Though I am nowhere near as well off as my parent was, I am passing on money to DC while I am still alive, putting into practice some of the things my parent did, and no need for the DC to point anything out.

Whythesadface · 05/03/2021 00:30

Op you had a start,
You had a deposit and a big one at that for a house.
Property has gone up a lot in 25 years, I bet your £20k is worth £100k now, You have no right to expect your parents to pay your way, Life is pretty sad if you blame others because your own life has not become as you wish.

sst1234 · 05/03/2021 00:30

@Snookie00

To all these posters who say you’re being grabby, entitled. Would you really not share a massive windfall with your family? To better their lives and their kids? I can’t imagine having so much cash and not sharing it with my family. Of course the OP is an adult but I happily share my good fortune with my kids, my siblings and my parents.
Er they did. Did you miss the bit where they paid for a private education, from primary onwards by the sounds of it, and gave a deposit for a house and have indirectly help OP build a property portfolio. If someone cannot use this to get richer than their parents, than they seriously lack imagination.
JustLyra · 05/03/2021 00:30

Plus if the parents had their own business and worked hard to put her through private school they probably valued encouraging them OP to work hard as well as enjoying the benefits of their financial assistance.

Half the average house price in a gift but hard done by 🙄

SleepingStandingUp · 05/03/2021 00:30

But I can't imagine coming into £2m now and not helping my grown up kids out. Mine have only been able to afford tiny two bed places, so there's no doubt at all in my mind that the first thing I'd do is enable them to have homes big enough for a family.
They helped her out with a deposit on an expensive property and she's subsequently built up a property portfolio whilst CHOOSING to work in a low paid job. There's no suggestion she's living in a 1 bed flat in a rough area trying to make ends meet whilst her parents her Watts app her photos of their latest jaunt.

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 00:31

@Lockdownschmockdown

I am not sure of the house value. I would guess very roughly a million now but they will most likely be around for a good while yet so it’s not really relevant is it.

Again though, it’s not about the actual figures, I know I’m privileged and have mentioned several times I am grateful and I do not begrudge my parents anything. I just do not understand the way they think.

You’re at it now.
Ermidunno · 05/03/2021 00:31

OP read about Gordon Ramsay and his children. He has a great attitude on the whole for a man I don’t like.
For comparison 20k 25 years ago where I live would have been 1/3 of a 4 bed semi in a nice area of my northern town so is/was substantial IMO.
It sounds like they set you up well but wanted you to continue working. Why wouldn’t they want you to have a good work ethic? It sounds like you’ve done amazingly. You have a home, children you love, a job you love and investments for yours and your children’s future. We’d all like more money but you are in a fortunate position. Don’t let resentment eat you up.

Cocomarine · 05/03/2021 00:31

But even with £2m, my mindset would be - I’ll help my child out as and when they need it, and then leave them a fuckton via inheriting my massive paid off house.

Which they did... they gave her £20K so she could get a luxury £120K flat that was above the average price for London in 1996.

Thinking about that, I bought in 2000 and the standard buying alone multiple was 3.5x salary, and pretty strict. I thought multiples had increased, not decreased. So I’m curious as to the OP’s low pay situation that allowed her to raise £100K towards the luxury flat!

Average house price in 1998 was £60K and £160K in less than 10 years later.

So at what point did the parents have to think she needed their help again?

  • when she had a luxury home?
  • when she’d made £100K in a decade on the house?
  • when she owned a property portfolio (BTL mortgages granted because she was a homeowner with a fuckton of equity?

None of this adds up 🤷🏻‍♀️

ItsWrittenintheStars · 05/03/2021 00:31

@SleepingStandingUp or you can spend a million or two enjoying life and knowing that your kids will have the same opportunity? Help them invest it and grow it so their children may benefit too.

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 00:32

I think they likely know no matter how much they give it won’t be enough.

LBXXX · 05/03/2021 00:33

I can’t even read this thread anymore OP it almost sounds like your waiting for them to pass

SleepingStandingUp · 05/03/2021 00:33

I am not sure of the house value. I would guess very roughly a million now but they will most likely be around for a good while yet so it’s not really relevant is it.

I'm not sure how you inheriting £1m+ when they won £2 and lived a good life enjoying it is irrelevant? Esp as you don't think parents should spend their money so you'll be splitting it straight onto your kids.

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