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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance Shame

966 replies

Lockdownschmockdown · 04/03/2021 22:43

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

OP posts:
LBXXX · 05/03/2021 00:17

YABU

they’ve helped you enough and I’m sure if you really needed it they’d help you again however if they lived relatively modest lives before running into this money then they probably wanted to enjoy the rest of their lives

I personally think you have had enough. It’s not their job to hand you out money and just because you’d do it for your children doesn’t mean they have to do it for you. You got more than most people would get so I wouldn’t expect anymore.

You also say you won’t get the house if they have to go into care? That really shouldn’t even cross your mind.

You really shouldn’t look at it like ‘if they go into care I won’t get any inheritance’ in their opinion, they gave you a good deposit for a house and you will inherit whatever’s left when they are gone. Anything they have now is theirs to do as they please and I don’t blame them

cherry2727 · 05/03/2021 00:17

How many siblings do you have op and what is the current market value do their house ?

SleepingStandingUp · 05/03/2021 00:17

At no point do I think I have failed by choosing a rewarding and socially oriented career which is not highly paid, private school or not. What an odd thing to suggest. Well clearly not as you have a property portfolio despite your parents throwing you only the smallest scraps of their fortune

katy1213 · 05/03/2021 00:17

Bloody hell, you begrudge them dental implants? Of course, you're not unreasonable - any decent parent would have settled for NHS false choppers to bankroll you.

cherry2727 · 05/03/2021 00:18

Should have read " of their house "

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 00:18

@Lockdownschmockdown

There is no trust fund. The house will be mine if they don’t need care or have to release equity. They are in their 80s with good health. I would be surprised if they didn’t live another 15 years or so. And they are planning a trip to the Maldives at Easter. I think that’s great. At no point do I think I have failed by choosing a rewarding and socially oriented career which is not highly paid, private school or not. What an odd thing to suggest.
You haven’t failed by having a rewarding, but not highly paid career, but you have made a choice that makes you hypocritical to think your parents should be showering you in more cash when you have chosen not maximise income for the benefit of your children.
therealteamdebbie · 05/03/2021 00:18

And they are planning a trip to the Maldives at Easter. I think that’s great.

Hmm

it would be great if the borders were opened.....

blue25 · 05/03/2021 00:18

You’ve had a huge step up in life through attending private school & the house deposit. It does sound as though you haven’t made the most of the opportunities given to you. Why did you choose a low paid job if money is so important to you?

You need to change your thinking & look at your own life choices.

AlexaShutUp · 05/03/2021 00:19

At no point do I think I have failed by choosing a rewarding and socially oriented career which is not highly paid, private school or not.

FWIW, I don't think that you have failed by making that choice either, OP. It is a perfectly valid and respectable choice, but if you choose that kind of career, then you choose the lifestyle and financial situation that goes with it. You can't just expect handouts from your parents to mitigate the impact of your personal choices - you're an adult.

Newnamefor2021 · 05/03/2021 00:19

Your parents sound like they had a lovely life, they also sound like they passed on some of those advantages to you and being that you mentioned having a property portfolio it sounds like you have been well set up in life.

We would all like a little more money, no matter how much we earn. Your level of wealth sounds like a dream to me, but I appreciate for you, more would be even nicer. Equally, your parents, who sound like they were wealthy before the extra money and the extra money sounding like it was millions, even all of that money clearly wasn't enough if they spent it all.

We would all like a little more, but the reality is your parents were able to give you more money and opportunities than most. You sound like you're in a good place and that's great, it's a shame there wasn't a little more, but like I say, many many many people would love to be in the fortunate situation your in. So while it might not be ideal, take comfort in that you are in a good position.

I'm guessing one day you will inherit too, and I guess at least you will be conscious of what you do with that money regarding your children.

JosieJarker · 05/03/2021 00:19

What is it you want your parents to do op?
Give you the cash equivalent to a holiday in the Maldives?
Set up a trust fund?
I dont know what a trust fund is and I'm highly unlikely to ever find out.
Monthly allowance?
Are you in your 40s?
Maybe time to be grateful, stand on your own feet, which have been set in strong foundations, and make the best of your privileged life without wanting more.

AllyBama · 05/03/2021 00:19

OP: AIBU and grabby?
Majority: yes, with explanation
OP: offended and stroppy

Why on earth ask then??

JustLyra · 05/03/2021 00:20

@Lockdownschmockdown

What *@Snookie00* said is the reason I posted. It’s not the money, it’s the mindset.
You’re questioning the mindset of the parents who did enough to set you up with multiple choices in life?

You can afford to choose a rewarding low paid job.

You’ve been able to afford to choose to invest in property.

You were able to afford to choose a massively expensive flat in your 20s.

Your parents mindset was spot on. They set you up well enough financially to be free to make choices.

Cocomarine · 05/03/2021 00:20

OP really doesn’t want to tell us the value of their house, does she? 🤣

Cos it blows your complaining (either s out money or mindset) out of the water if they’re expecting to pass on a £750K house.

Of course she could lie and say they are simple folks, and with their £100K teeth they live in a £150K back to back terrace. But she knows no-one would believe that.

Mellonsprite · 05/03/2021 00:20

If the figure was approx £2mil, Im with you OP.
As generous as a £20k deposit was, I think if that some should have been put in trust for you. It’s a huge sum.

SymphonyofShadows · 05/03/2021 00:21

It’s not the money, it’s the mindset the mindset is that you were an adult, they’d already paid for an expensive education and they then gave you a sizeable lump sum towards a property. What exactly are you struggling to understand?

saraclara · 05/03/2021 00:21

Okay. I missed the coming into £2m bit.

By most people's standards, being given £20k 25 years ago is a real stroke of luck. In housing terms now, where I live that would be the equivalent of an £80k deposit.

But I can't imagine coming into £2m now and not helping my grown up kids out. Mine have only been able to afford tiny two bed places, so there's no doubt at all in my mind that the first thing I'd do is enable them to have homes big enough for a family.

EL8888 · 05/03/2021 00:22

YABVVU l never got a fraction of what you have got from your parents Confused. Your expectations need adjusting lm afraid

Providora · 05/03/2021 00:22

I admit I thought 'grabby' when I read your OP but your latest post with the amount changes things.

I can't imagine winning (or somehow gaining without effort) millions and frittering it away without making some provision for future generations, whether that's gifts, trust fund or investments/property they could benefit from after my death.

You understand it's not an entitlement, you're just puzzled that they haven't made the same choices you would make and I agree with you, and think most people would be the same.

saraclara · 05/03/2021 00:22

I honestly don't see a private education as a generous gift to a child. It's something that the parent wants, not the offspring.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/03/2021 00:22

@Lockdownschmockdown

I was no longer living at home when they received the money. How is this relevant?
Do you realise that most people in poorly paid jobs approaching their 50s down have a property portfolio? And do you see how their financial support in your 20s might have contributed to that?
MrsBerthaRochester · 05/03/2021 00:22

You are in a low paid job but own several properties? I'm away to cry into my pillow...

Not aibu to have hoped for more from your parents if they are very financially comfortable.
Very bu if you think a large deposit,a private education and owning more than one property doesn't make you privileged in the eyes of the majority.

WondrousAcorn · 05/03/2021 00:23

I get you op. The thing about money is it can be looked at in so many different ways. £20k for a deposit is not to be sniffed at, and 25 years ago it would have not only been worth more in itself but also gone further. So, in absolute terms you’ve been very fortunate and I see other posters’ viewpoint.

But money often comes to stand for what’s important to us. And from that perspective, I absolutely get the op’s discomfort. The fact is that while she got a good start in life from her parents, she could have got a lot more without any hardship on their part and they chose to spend lavishly instead. It’s different from a situation where they made the money themselves and they expected the same of their children, It’s also different to if the parents had had to make real sacrifices to leave something - most of us wouldn’t want an inheritance under those circumstances!

It reminds me of a previous relationship where my dp got a pay rise and was earning far more than me. I wasn’t struggling, but I didn’t have much, his new salary put him into a different bracket as far as lifestyle went, and he made it very clear he wasn’t sharing anything with me. It wasn’t that I felt I was entitled to it, but more that it was hurtful to realise he was perfectly fine with me having a completely different standard of living to him. I accepted continuing the 50:50 approach to finances, but I realised he had a completely different view of our relationship to me and it was very much the beginning of the end!

Kishkes · 05/03/2021 00:23

I kind of get where you're coming from.

My Dad made a lot of money in his time (self made, zero inheritance!) and I always knew that he was thinking how to provide and leave money for my sibling and I. Even when he was terminally ill, it was so important for him that we knew this and how much he'd made (from nothing) and how much he'd leave us. It was an expression of love (I hated talking about it as it was all tied up with him dying but it gave him comfort in those hard days).

Regardless of the help of the inheritance he did leave (which is a big help), it always made me feel loved and cared for. My dad had enough that he could travel and have a nice time but I always knew that my Dad loved me and my kids so much that he prioritized our future financial security.

Somethingkindaoooo · 05/03/2021 00:23

I'm on the fence too.

I would absolutely give my kids a lump sum to 'set them up'. Probavly a larger amount proportionately.

However- I'm wondering.... is that ALL the help they've given? Have they treated you to holidays? Helped with kids etc?

I think too that you have different mindsets. If they grew up in a more humble environment, then they may perceive the amount they have given you to be generous. They may have also felt that the money would never run out.

I think too that if you grew up I a big house and went to private school, then your expectations are different.

By low paying, do you mean below £25,000?