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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My exH refusing to collect children

341 replies

mrshectic · 04/03/2021 09:40

So I will try to keep this short.

Since I moved 7 miles away to a nicer village with more space for my children (they now have their own bedroom as opposed to being squashed in together), my ex is refusing to collect them for his time with them. He doesn't own a car, but he has always used his Mums car to pick them up from the school on his time. She also does his shopping for him at least once a week and he looks after her dog regularly to do so.

He says that because I moved, it's my responsibility to get the children to him and collect them afterwards. Now I have done because it's not fair on the kids that they miss time with him. But I simply cannot keep being expected to spend time and money doing ALL of the carting around using petrol money for him to sit at home doing nothing.

I work, and try hard to homeschool our 3 kids, which he does not help with, even though he doesn't work.

AIBU? Should I suck it up and take them because he tells me he's telling the children it's my fault they won't have time with him?

Fwiw, I have asked why he suddenly won't use his Mums car as he has a support bubble with her, but he simply says it's my responsibility.

OP posts:
ItsMarch · 04/03/2021 12:11

You’re a better person then me OP.
No way would I be doing all the travelling. One way at a push as a compromise. All of it? Not a chance.

Wishitsnows · 04/03/2021 12:12

I don't see why the kids should take the bus to go and see their feckless father. He has nothing to do all day but can't even be bothered to pick them up. It's probably a control thing to put you out. I mean it's 7 miles. He clearly cannot see how ridiculous he sounds. Do the kids even want to see him as they are old enough to finally have their voices heard.

ItsMarch · 04/03/2021 12:13

Why aren’t you taking his refusal to collect as the gift that it is?
And this.

Wheresthebeach · 04/03/2021 12:14

Well its not about the travel so you won’t convince him to do it based on how close it is, or how easy the bus is. He wants to create aggro.

DH’s ex was like this, DH travelled on pubic transport for 50 minutes to pick the kids up on every Friday and returned them to school Monday morning so it’s hardly difficult.

I’d do it for the kids and not engage in the fight. However I would be very careful about not getting dragged into arguments and letting him dictate too much. We were advised to respond to accusations with ‘you’ve called to tell me I’m abc, got it, anything else?’ No arguing, no getting angry just acknowledge and leave it. It, apparently ruins the fun that you aren’t arguing. Doing this over a few months really worked. She just fought and complained with other people instead of DH.

The kids will appreciate what you’re doing. I would be straight with them, and say he should follow the agreement and come by bus to collect them, so you’re not happy, but that isn’t their problem and you are going to drop them off and pick them up because they come first. Then, literally, park it. If there is a time you can’t do it, then that’s life I’m afraid. They will know how absurd he’s being.

Loudhouse · 04/03/2021 12:14

Christ, OP, I’m surprised anyone could think you are unreasonable! You moved for their benefit, so that they had more room, he is 10 minutes drive away, with access to a car, he doesn’t work, doesn’t pay a penny, doesn’t take on any of parenting load/home schooling etc. He’s a prick of the gold medal variety.

Yes, he absolutely should be prepared to share the pick ups and drop offs and it would be entirely reasonable of you to stick to your guns as this is all about control for him (and laziness).

BUT, that’s all easier said than done when it means having to see your kids upset at missing out on daddy time, isn’t it? And you missing out on having a break. So, in the end, although I don’t think you are being unreasonable in the slightest, you have to weigh things up and decide what works better for you and the children. Flowers

RandomMess · 04/03/2021 12:16

You do need to tell your DC age appropriate truth.

The court order says X but your Dad now won't stick to it why do you think that is? I know what he is telling you but what do you think?

It's really important that your DC are allowed to express what they think that they are able to inform their own opinions.

You can be honest and say Dad is supposed to it, but I will drop you off once a month instead. I can't afford to give you the bus fair but if Dad have it you how do you feel about getting the bus there?

This is not about bad mouthing him it's about the DC being confident in the their assessment/judgement of the situation. It does them no favours if you don't ask critical thinking questions - why can't he borrow the car, why can't he or you get the bus, why is it happy we have a nicer home/you have your own bedrooms. They aren't going to turn 18 and suddenly recognise his poison if you have covered it up.

Have a read of "how to talk to kids will listen, listen so kids will talk" the psychology behind asking what they think and why that is so important.

Why do you think they are telling you what your ex says? Perhaps they actually want the truth from you as you are their dependable reliable parent and what he is saying confuses them?

He wants to punish you, the DC aren't important to him. Your older ones will deep down know this and it's important that they know that what they think is right (or not) else how will they trust in their own feelings when they are adults?

You don't have to agree or disagree with what they think merely let them be heard. You can even ask them for suggestions for solutions.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 04/03/2021 12:18

@daryldixonsdreamgirl

You have a court order that say he collects the children. A 7 mile move is not unreasonable and no court is going to change your court order for something so little, he needs to keep collecting.
This^ Also tell the children that they can see their father anytime he comes to get them. If he doesn't it is because he doesn't want to.
RandomMess · 04/03/2021 12:20

You need to challenge the lies that you are stopping him seeing them.

"DC why do you think I would want you to not see your Dad?"

"Does that sound like the sort of thing I would do?"

"Why do you think I moved us to this house? Do you think we should have stayed in the last place?"

Etc etc

Even if they say something hurtful it opens doors to ask them why the think xyz, what else has happened to make them think that?

Kokosrieksts · 04/03/2021 12:28

You moved 7 miles and he reacts like this? What a waste of space he is.

Chloemol · 04/03/2021 12:28

Sorry but although he is being a test, you did move

I would just do it, there will come a point when the kids see what a dick he is, as they get older they can get the bus, and indeed May it want to go and see him anyway

I would also remember this and when he wants something the answer would be no

Loudhouse · 04/03/2021 12:29

@RandomMess

You do need to tell your DC age appropriate truth.

The court order says X but your Dad now won't stick to it why do you think that is? I know what he is telling you but what do you think?

It's really important that your DC are allowed to express what they think that they are able to inform their own opinions.

You can be honest and say Dad is supposed to it, but I will drop you off once a month instead. I can't afford to give you the bus fair but if Dad have it you how do you feel about getting the bus there?

This is not about bad mouthing him it's about the DC being confident in the their assessment/judgement of the situation. It does them no favours if you don't ask critical thinking questions - why can't he borrow the car, why can't he or you get the bus, why is it happy we have a nicer home/you have your own bedrooms. They aren't going to turn 18 and suddenly recognise his poison if you have covered it up.

Have a read of "how to talk to kids will listen, listen so kids will talk" the psychology behind asking what they think and why that is so important.

Why do you think they are telling you what your ex says? Perhaps they actually want the truth from you as you are their dependable reliable parent and what he is saying confuses them?

He wants to punish you, the DC aren't important to him. Your older ones will deep down know this and it's important that they know that what they think is right (or not) else how will they trust in their own feelings when they are adults?

You don't have to agree or disagree with what they think merely let them be heard. You can even ask them for suggestions for solutions.

Absolutely agree with all of this. It’s not about bad-mouthing him but about sensitively helping your children come to an age appropriate understanding of the factors at play.
TenaciousOnePointOne · 04/03/2021 12:30

@Givemeabreak88

Well I’m guessing op has probably never travelled there by bus so is assuming it’s the same distance as a car? Like I said I’ve checked how long a 7 mile bus trip would take from where I am and it says 52 minutes, so that’s 2 hours on the bus an hour there to collect them and an hour to bring them back to his! I find it hard to believe it’s 15 minutes and the op is probably basing that on how long it is to drive.
You are in London, as am I. In the time I waited for a bus to take me a mile and a friend had got basically home to Brighton on the train from the same point. You can't compare journey times for 7 miles inside London to 7 miles outside London. As it happens I have travelled on a bus and travelled 7 miles in roughly 20 minutes outside of London.

It's 7 miles he can walk it there and back with the children. Share the journey.

AtSwimTwoBerts · 04/03/2021 12:35

Sorry but although he is being a test, you did move

within walking distance, yes. So your point is?

ManCubsMama · 04/03/2021 12:35

What a non-issue. 7 miles! Why don’t you drop off and he returns them, or vice-versa?

Loudhouse · 04/03/2021 12:42

@ManCubsMama

What a non-issue. 7 miles! Why don’t you drop off and he returns them, or vice-versa?
Because he refuses...
Givemeabreak88 · 04/03/2021 12:43

He’s hardly going to do a 4 hour walk is he, again I’ve checked that and 7 miles would take 2 hours there 2 hours back 4 in total, I wouldn’t be happy with my kids walking 2 hours personally when the op could drop them in 10 mins, sounds like punishing the kids because of the dad.

IWantT0BreakFree · 04/03/2021 12:46

He's being a prick. He should be glad that his kids are living in a nicer area with more space at home, and he should be willing to do a tiny bit of work to help enable that FOR THEM.

The reason that the advice is often different when it's dad's who have moved, is that mum is generally doing 80% of the childcare and almost all of the actual donkey work involved in raising children, so the addition of an hour or two's driving twice a week significantly eats into her already minimal "free" time.

This guy is just being asked to spend an extra few minutes in the car. He already has loads of free time to do whatever he fancies.

Youllbeoldertoo · 04/03/2021 12:47

What do your kids want to do? Do they want to keep seeing him?

mainsfed · 04/03/2021 12:47

OP, the court is right, he needs to either collect them or drop them off.

Stop the visits, call his bluff. The more you give in the more he demanding he will become.

Does he work? I would claim CM via CMS.

Bibidy · 04/03/2021 12:50

He should definitely be doing one leg of the journey. He sounds like an arsehole.

If not though OP I agree with you that you're doing the right thing by continuing to drop them to him.

It's not about doing him a favour but about your children having a relationship with both parents, which you are making happen. You can hold your head high for that and your kids are getting to an age where they'll see that it's only you making the effort.

forinborin · 04/03/2021 12:52

A court could side with the parent who is "better placed" to travel, not necessarily who moved away. In my case I have to travel a couple hours every other Sunday for day contact (ex does not want overnights), and it was him who moved away. There were times when we arrived to his town only to find that he "forgot" and went away for the weekend.

oil0W0lio · 04/03/2021 12:55

it's pretty awful that he doesn't care about how insulting this is to his children he just wants to score some easy points over you ☹️

Hadjab · 04/03/2021 12:56

@Ermidunno

We don’t know his circumstances. He could be ill.
@Ermidunno are you OP’s ex? You seem mighty keen on defending him...
Ermidunno · 04/03/2021 12:57

@Hadjab yes I am. Busted.

dontdisturbmenow · 04/03/2021 12:59

I was in exactly the same situation and he actually then got a car but even less of an excuse. Worse, arrangement was one day e every weekend rather than eow.

I did it. Not for him but for my kids. When they were old enough to take the bus, and paid even though he paid no maintenance at all.

I did it for them and repeated the mantra over and over. They are now young adults and I have no regrets. They know who loved them enough to want the best for them. They ready see their dad now and are not very close. We are. My relationship with them as adults is worth all the sacrifices and more.

If it was an activity they really wanted to do wouldn't you take them and pay? That's the way to look at it rather than a reward to him.

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