My exH refusing to collect children

[mrshectic]

So I will try to keep this short.

Since I moved 7 miles away to a nicer village with more space for my children (they now have their own bedroom as opposed to being squashed in together), my ex is refusing to collect them for his time with them. He doesn't own a car, but he has always used his Mums car to pick them up from the school on his time. She also does his shopping for him at least once a week and he looks after her dog regularly to do so.

He says that because I moved, it's my responsibility to get the children to him and collect them afterwards. Now I have done because it's not fair on the kids that they miss time with him. But I simply cannot keep being expected to spend time and money doing ALL of the carting around using petrol money for him to sit at home doing nothing.

I work, and try hard to homeschool our 3 kids, which he does not help with, even though he doesn't work.

AIBU? Should I suck it up and take them because he tells me he's telling the children it's my fault they won't have time with him?

Fwiw, I have asked why he suddenly won't use his Mums car as he has a support bubble with her, but he simply says it's my responsibility.

My ex used to do shit like this, when he actually saw the kids.

First he would only have them one at a time so he could 'focus on them individually', then he couldn't afford the travel so I (stupidly) gave him money for travel, then he couldn't afford food, or presents at Xmas... on and on it went until I realised he was trying to control me and my time and money. He was managing to raise his girlfriends kids and spend money on them and time with them alright.

He never actually gave a shit about my kids at all, and now they are older and he is able to have a relationship with them totally independent of me he doesn't bother his arse with them, apart from occasionally messaging my oldest for favours as he has a good job and his own house now (and ex takes all the credit for how ds turned out).

Stop facilitating his lazy parenting, if he wants to see his kids, and has their interests at heart, he will. As it is, he just wants to control you to prove a point. You allow it because you're a good parent.

RandomMess he only has them every other weekend and every other Monday. Although he doesn’t have them on the Monday because he won’t collect them and I stopped doing the drop off and then 3 hours later, pick up.
Ds 12 and 14 and dd who is 7.

I think if you are working, and also homeschooling, and he's doing fuck-all, then it's up to him to collect and return. You haven't moved across the country, and he has transport, whether private or public.

He's also displaying his priorities to his poor kids - he'd rather cause a row with you than see his kids. He's a giant man-baby, and his kids will eventually realise this.

I would continue to drop off once per month. Do the older ones desperately want to go?

He could give them the bus money and they could all go on the bus 🤷🏽‍♀️

Why are some people advising OP to take him to court? There is literally nothing she can do to enforce contact - all the order is there for is to ensure she makes the DC available for contact as per the stated times.

He's clearly a deadbeat loser but as PP have said what's morally right and what's legally enforceable are two different things.

Ds 12 and 14 and dd who is 7.

Do they want to see their father? The boys are old enough to decide... and to go on the bus to his.

* Why are some people advising OP to take him to court? *

Because they know bugger all about the system

It's 7 miles, he is being petty. I would offer to do one way, preferably the pick up so you don't end up doing both when he can't be bothered to bring them back. I would feel differently if it was a longer journey but that's no distance at all for him.

He obviously doesn’t really give a shit about seeing them and thinks this is now the perfect excuse to see them even less. What an absolute dickhead.
I didn’t really get on great with my ex after we split and he’s always been a bit of a Disney dad - but one thing il give him - he made the 1 hour trip to pick up his son every weekend and never complained.
If they want to see their kids they’ll move heaven and earth to do so - all your bloody loser of an ex has to do is drive an extra few miles!

Op

The 12 and 14 could take their 7 year old on the bus to their dad’s.

Any then you collect.

But in your shoes - I would be over the moon he was doing this. Wouldn’t want my children in same room as someone I had neglect concerns about

Maybe time to get back on touch with your solicitor and go back to court. You've moved 7 miles, not to the moon!

It's a waste of the op money to take it back to court. Op can simply stop dropping off and if he wants to see them he will either pick up or take her back to court.

Maybe time to get back on touch with your solicitor and go back to court.

For what? The contact order already says he has to collect if he wants access. The court can't force him to take up the offer.

I too think it's a gift that he will see them less with the history of neglect!

Are any of the DC desperate to see him? Surely the older ones can easily phone him if they want?

Presumably once they are back at school this becomes a non-issue term time and then on the holidays you drop off once or twice of the 6 weeks?

OP you are never going to win here simply for the reason that you care about your children and are doing everything you can for them and he is not. You cannot force him to have this kind of intrinsic motivation nor can any court. Deadbeat dads cannot be forced into changing.

So you have some options but if i were you i would continue to keep the ch interests at the forefront and protect their feelings. It would not be nice for them to know that their dad can't be arsed coming to pick them up as well as all the other concerns you have raised. You're putting yourself out for the good of their mental wellbeing.

Do your DC want to see him? If he missed a visit would they ask why or express disappointment? If not it could be phased out without having to go doen the 'oh look your dad hasn't bothered to show up for you' route.

I definitely think you need to push for maintenance, however much that may be. Surely that is the absolute minimum he could be doing.

You’re facilitating contact with a man about whom you have concerns re: neglect.

Why aren’t you taking his refusal to collect as the gift that it is?

The rule about the parent moving being the one to facilitate needs to be taken with a grain of sense! It’s 7 miles, not 70. It’s entirely doable for him. He has access to a car.

If you honestly believe he’s neglecting his children then don’t make the journey!

It’s a no-brainer to me.

7 miles is just down the road, christ, I travel 20 miles just to get to the supermarket! I can't believe he won't pull his finger out. He is being lazy and has found a way to put the blame on you. YANBU.

‘Mum works darlings, I’m so sorry I can’t always drop you with dad, but dad must pick you up, that’s the agreement that was made, by mum dropping you off I’m not sticking to the agreement’

It’s hard, because it is for the children. What’s he like as a dad OP? Is he very involved? The fact he doesn’t have a job and clearly can’t won’t provide is terrible. I didn’t have a dad for the majority of my life, he’s a twat now I know him. I’m so very glad he wasn’t in my life bloody growing up.

How do your children feel?

7 miles is hardly moving away. A bus ride away is surely normal expected travel!?

I think I'd facilitate 1 weekend a month. It's unreasonable of him to expect you to do EVERYTHING and I think this is him trying to exert control while actually doing fuck all.

Do your children actually want to see him OP ?

Looking at the overall picture, he’s being unreasonable, he doesn’t work, he isn't helping you with homeschooling and expects you to bring his children to him. Do you think he’s using this as an excuse not to have his children?

@Ermidunno

It doesn’t say anywhere he doesn’t work. It says he’s sat on arse doing nothing for the 10 minutes OP is driving the kids. Why should he be out of pocket. Around here a 6 mile bus ride would be £4 for an adult, no idea the cost for 2 kids. Why should he be so out of pocket because you moved?

Cos she moved for the benefit of the children?

It doesn’t say anywhere he doesn’t work. It says he’s sat on arse doing nothing for the 10 minutes OP is driving the kids

It says it multiple times. He doesn't work, he hasn't worked in nearly a decade, he doesn't pay any maintenance at all.

Why should he be so out of pocket because you moved?

WTF is wrong with you?

I would continue to drop them EOW and enjoy your weekends off, sounds like you deserve the break, raising 3 children alone isn't easy.

@Ermidunno -

I work, and try hard to homeschool our 3 kids, which he does not help with, even though he doesn't work.

He doesn’t work!