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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just go with it and seem grateful

252 replies

Dogatemyporridge · 04/03/2021 09:08

Dh’s birthday today. Due to lockdown, tried my best to make it special. Baked a four sponge cake with the treats he liked, ordered big present all wrapped with balloons, toddler and I made a special packed work for lunch including party things like popcorn, marshmallows, chocolate..alongside normal sandwiches etc. All pretty silly stuff. Cue this morning, face pulling about how he’s going to take a cake that size to work (they usually take a cake to work at his workplace to share out)
Next trying to take things out of his lunch back as he’s not ‘Taking things like popcorn’ for his lunch...I ended up saying ‘Well, just put them in the bin then, just take them’ 🤷🏻‍♀️
Telling Dd to constantly ‘Calm down’ as she’s jumping around excited scout them balloons, cake etc.
Ordered a nice dinner delivery tonight of his favourite burgers (nice restaurant with steak/Angus burgers etc)
Aibu to think he could’ve just been (or at least pretended to be) a bit happier and well, more grateful 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
emilyfrost · 04/03/2021 15:33

I always enjoyed that when I went off to work and think it’s nicer than waiting until 7pm at night. He’s always done that for me too, so he can’t hate it that much.

There we go again - I enjoyed that, I think it’s nicer.

And of course he’s always done it for you - because he knows you like it. That’s part of being in a relationship - you do for the other person what they like, not what you yourself like and think they should like too.

Also with Dd excited about it, there’s no way we could wait until tonight.

Of course there is. You should teach your child to be patient.

toocold54 · 04/03/2021 15:34

And neither of you are wrong to want your birthday celebrated in the way you want it. Even if you (neither of you) don't really understand why the other wants it that way.

You’ve said it perfectly.
In normal times some people like to go for a night out and get drink with their friends, some people like to go sky diving and some like having a relaxing evening in. All of them are fine but people wouldn’t necessarily like doing something that’s not their thing. But it is very rude to nor pretend to be grateful.

Wingedharpy · 04/03/2021 15:35

@UserTwice has hit the nail on the head.

LaceyBetty · 04/03/2021 15:36

But it is very rude to nor pretend to be grateful.

Especially to your child.

Original poster
Dogatemyporridge · 04/03/2021 15:36

@emilyfrost 😂Really?!

Ok, we’ve always done that for one another, just naturally, I never said ‘Oh hey, bring my cake in to me before I go to work in the morning please’ it was just a thing we both did, don’t know who started it, it wasn’t about what I wanted, none of this is about what I want.

OP posts:
butterpuffed · 04/03/2021 15:41

You carry on doing what you do , OP , ignore the posters putting you down . Anyway , your DH sounds as if he'd cheered up when you were in touch with him earlier .

BombyliusMajor · 04/03/2021 15:46

But you’re pissed off that he didn’t appreciate the great big fuss you made of him. The fuss is what you want recognised and admired and received with gratitude. The fuss is presumably the part YOU like. Is he normally the type to get excited about balloons and marshmallows?

I get he wasn’t very gracious about it, and that was rude. But having something like this sprung on me while I was trying to get out the door to work - and feeling under pressure to muster an OTT show of excitement - would annoy me.

aliloandabanana · 04/03/2021 15:55

I've never understood the general MN approach to birthdays, which seems to be that they're not important, you shouldn't expect anyone to remember yours or mark it in any way, and you shouldn't expect your partner to be grateful for you marking his birthday! What a miserable lot some of you are!

So what if they do things on birthdays that the OP likes more than her husband? He's a miserable sod who doesn't deserve anything on his birthdays in future!

Original poster
Dogatemyporridge · 04/03/2021 15:57

@BombyliusMajor That’s nuts, so I just do nothing next time, zero, zilch, nada...because without even realising it, this has all been about me?

OP posts:
Nith · 04/03/2021 15:58

Goodness, there are some joyless people on this thread. I'm with you, OP, it really wouldn't have been hard for him to show some appreciation of the trouble you'd been to and also in particular to avoid being a miserable git in front of his child. Next year perhaps he can remember to tell you in advance that he doesn't really want to take popcorn etc to work. I'd be tempted to cancel the nice takeaway if I were you, OP.

Odile13 · 04/03/2021 16:07

He was ungrateful in my opinion. Especially in front of your toddler who had tried so hard. I would have a word with him. Just because you’re married to someone doesn’t mean they get a free pass to have zero manners. If he doesn’t like cake or popcorn or whatever, fine, maybe don’t do that next year, but he could have least pretended to be excited and pleased about it.

Lilymossflower · 04/03/2021 16:07

He sounds like a grumpy sod imo

toocold54 · 04/03/2021 16:09

So what if they do things on birthdays that the OP likes more than her husband? He's a miserable sod who doesn't deserve anything on his birthdays in future!

@aliloandabanana
So if your husband was an adrenaline junky and booked a skydiving trip would you be annoyed if you hated heights and he called you a miserable sod?

Lilymossflower · 04/03/2021 16:10

And I don't think all the gifts was done by op for op.. if anything it's for the toddler mainly because it's lockdown, it's boring, birthday's are a fun opportunity to create an activity and party/fun vibe for the kids, the DH should have reconised that and at least been cheerful for the toddler even if he was not too fussed or bothered about his own birthday

DavidsSchitt · 04/03/2021 16:10

The older I get the less I like my birthday, this year I expect it'll be particularly depressing.

I put on a smile and go with it but at 7am I might've struggled. He shouldn't have let it show but cut him some slack, he'll be fine when he walks in. Especially with fancy burgers for tea. Enjoy

UserTwice · 04/03/2021 16:11

Goodness, there are some joyless people on this thread.

No, just people who find joy in different things. Wouldn't it be dull if we all liked things the same!?

lottiegarbanzo · 04/03/2021 16:11

What an ungrateful misery guts.

Surely that was the 'home' birthday cake? If he wanted a cake to take to work too, he needed to buy one. I'd expect to cut and eat the official cake at tea time, with singing, so would be pretty pissed off it was taken in to work and shared with a bunch of grown-ups, so the family who'd made it to celebrate with him only got leftovers.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 04/03/2021 16:14

Only on Mumsnet could someone be castigated for trying to do something nice.
OP they do say 'no good deed goes unpunished '
I think he was a miserable sod.

Alexandernevermind · 04/03/2021 16:16

This is why we don't "do birthdays" until we are all home after work and school. Everyone is too rushed in the mornings. The children will only open the cards and gifts from each other. The fun stuff waits until we are all in and relaxed.

Peanutbutterandbananatoastie · 04/03/2021 16:16

I love the idea that you can explain to a toddler ‘you might t like balloons and cake but daddy ‘s a miserable git doesn’t.’

And the toddler will just say ‘ok mama I shall shelf my joy until papa is at work’.

You have to do a bit of balloons and childish stuff on your birthday and pretend to enjoy it surely. Especially if you’re getting the tea you want, a great present and taking a massive cake to work (cheeky bastard).

Don’t stifle the joy and tell your Dh to get over himself op.

CSIblonde · 04/03/2021 16:17

It was a nice idea but I can kind of see a fuss & over excited toddler while you're getting ready to go to work is a bit stressful. I'd prob ask a week before , how do you want to spend your day on your birthday & go with that. Some people are not good with 'surprises' however thoughtful & asking means you'd hopefully get a mutually nice time. It sounds like he's not into fuss generally re birthdays as he doesn't fuss over you either.

aliloandabanana · 04/03/2021 16:24

@toocold54 There's a bit of a difference between paying a fortune for potentially dangerous activity and putting a few bits in a lunch box!

Mydogmylife · 04/03/2021 16:27

@Dogatemyporridge

Yes, everyone is different, but I honestly have never met anyone who didn’t have at least a cake and card/present 🤷🏻‍♀️ My family are most definitely not extravagant or ott and we always just had a cake (my mum didn’t bake or order one, it was a nice o birthday type one from the shop) singing and presents and cards. Literally everyone I know celebrates on a much grander scale.

It’s true, I am one for planning nice things and attempting to make things special for my loved ones, it’s ramped up more due to the arrival of Dd, plus with lockdown and the miserableness in the world currently, I’ve jumped on any little thing to celebrate.

Dh is rubbish on birthdays, I’ve had many where I’ve felt very sad as I’ve not had a gift or dinner planned in any way at all, it’s just been me making it as usual, the lack of thought and effort upset me.
We did have a talk about this when dd came along as I do believe it’s important to make effort, I was always involved in my dads plans for my mums birthday etc and I had to let him know that as she’s growing up she’ll need help with getting gifts etc. It’s odd I have to explain all this though, but it must be down to his background, I don’t think they even got each other a cake when he was growing up..isn’t that strange though? I’ve honestly never heard of that from anyone else. Even to whip up a basic cake and stick a candle in, I mean ffs

Well, you haven't met me or my family then! I don't think I've had ( or expected ) a card, present etc for an ordinary birthday since I was about 5. And that's fine , you like a big fuss, we don't, each to their own. But that the point really isn't it, you and DH have quite different expectations/habits and what you need is a bit of a chat and compromise. He was a bit mean not trying to join in for your dds sake , but maybe rein it in a bit in the future?
LaceyBetty · 04/03/2021 16:30

So if your husband was an adrenaline junky and booked a skydiving trip would you be annoyed if you hated heights and he called you a miserable sod?

@toocold54 this is so far from being comparable it's actually hilarious.

toocold54 · 04/03/2021 16:37

@LaceyBetty
Some people can’t understand that just because you like something it doesn’t mean someone else does.

An extreme situation is obviously easier to grasp than something like getting a chocolate cake when the other person doesn’t like chocolate which is obviously more comparable but some people need it almost in layman’s terms to understand.