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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just go with it and seem grateful

252 replies

Dogatemyporridge · 04/03/2021 09:08

Dh’s birthday today. Due to lockdown, tried my best to make it special. Baked a four sponge cake with the treats he liked, ordered big present all wrapped with balloons, toddler and I made a special packed work for lunch including party things like popcorn, marshmallows, chocolate..alongside normal sandwiches etc. All pretty silly stuff. Cue this morning, face pulling about how he’s going to take a cake that size to work (they usually take a cake to work at his workplace to share out)
Next trying to take things out of his lunch back as he’s not ‘Taking things like popcorn’ for his lunch...I ended up saying ‘Well, just put them in the bin then, just take them’ 🤷🏻‍♀️
Telling Dd to constantly ‘Calm down’ as she’s jumping around excited scout them balloons, cake etc.
Ordered a nice dinner delivery tonight of his favourite burgers (nice restaurant with steak/Angus burgers etc)
Aibu to think he could’ve just been (or at least pretended to be) a bit happier and well, more grateful 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Youllbeoldertoo · 04/03/2021 14:12

@Dogatemyporridge

The lunch sounds it does sound a bit naff and childish and we celebrate birthdays in a big way at my house, but I can recognise that not everyone does and it sounds like this wasnt your husbands thing. You however seem unwilling to accept any view point different to your own? Why have you posted, for vindication that you’re not in the wrong?

He could have just pretended that he was happy even if he thought it was a bit naff.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/03/2021 14:12

Busting my ass for hours making the cake whilst my toddler was having meltdowns, rushing to make a homemade card with her before he got home so he couldn’t see it, scouring the internet looking for the perfect gift, hoping I’d ordered the right kind..packing popcorn and marshmallows into boxes with Dd....all things I like to do

All the things YOU would like for your birthday. (And me too - I would absolutely love to have you in charge of my birthday celebration). But your husband is a different person who likes different things. He did not ask you to bust your ass and wear out your energy and patience doing all these things. You could have bought a cake at Tesco, a card from the Random Card stash, and put your feet up. Then when he got home you would not have to get angry and resentful at his lack of excitement, and he would not be expected to fake gratitude and appreciation for things he never asked for or wanted.

emilyfrost · 04/03/2021 14:17

He did not ask you to bust your ass and wear out your energy and patience doing all these things. You could have bought a cake at Tesco, a card from the Random Card stash, and put your feet up. Then when he got home you would not have to get angry and resentful at his lack of excitement, and he would not be expected to fake gratitude and appreciation for things he never asked for or wanted.

Exactly this. 100%. These are all what you would like and what your family does.

You did this celebration that he didn’t want or ask for and is expected to suck it up and pretend he likes it or you’ll get upset on his birthday and then he ends up having to comfort you.

Think about what he wants in future, OP.

starfishmummy · 04/03/2021 14:18

YABU.

mainsfed · 04/03/2021 14:19

Thinking about it, I suppose it was a bit presumptuous of him to think he was taking it to work.

It really was. I bet he’s not being grumpy with colleagues.

All that effort to feed his bloody colleagues who you don’t even know.

I really wouldn’t go to this effort again OP. Save the home baked cakes for yours and DD’s birthdays.

Tianatiers · 04/03/2021 14:20

Wow some people are being pretty harsh on this thread. OP you have done nothing wrong. You did some nice things for your DH, not over the top, on his birthday and you were shown little gratitude. Lessons learned, either don’t do so much next your or, if you do, don’t expect any gratitude. I’d personally go for the former.

mainsfed · 04/03/2021 14:20

Think about what he wants in future, OP.

When he does the bare-assed minimum for OP’s birthday? Fuck that.

Original poster
Dogatemyporridge · 04/03/2021 14:21

🤣🤣🤣👍

Ahhh, some of these comments are a wind up, surely.

Next year-box cake from Lidl and a card.

I won’t have my joy of life dampened though and will continue to celebrate others birthdays 🥳

OP posts:
TheSparkleJar · 04/03/2021 14:21

If he'd wanted something specific he should have said so. I bet he said nothing about taking a cake into work, and if he wanted to, really he should have baked one himself.

Next year add a £2.49 chocolate sponge from the supermarket to the shopping list and let your DD decorate it with bits. There's no point making a fuss for his birthday if he's going to be resentful and pissy.

minniemoocher · 04/03/2021 14:21

I would have been bemused by marshmallows etc too, he could have been a bit more diplomatic but he's going to work not preschool!

Changemaname1 · 04/03/2021 14:22

Op you sound lovely , I’d have been gratefull for everything you had done if it was me

Miserable twat

WorraLiberty · 04/03/2021 14:23

@mainsfed

Think about what he wants in future, OP.

When he does the bare-assed minimum for OP’s birthday? Fuck that.

Then do nothing

But what the OP shouldn't be doing is forcing something on anyone just because she likes it.

It's a shame he doesn't like birthday celebrations as much as the OP does, but she needs to accept that.

jetSTAR · 04/03/2021 14:23

If he is supposed to take cakes to celebrate at work then HE should have organised to buy cake for that. The cake you made is for at home.
Also, when you have kids, sometimes you have to change things to accommodate/include them, for example being outwardly pleased that your toddler has chosen you some treats for your birthday lunch. Get a grip man.

FuckyouCovid21 · 04/03/2021 14:24

@TheYearOfSmallThings

Busting my ass for hours making the cake whilst my toddler was having meltdowns, rushing to make a homemade card with her before he got home so he couldn’t see it, scouring the internet looking for the perfect gift, hoping I’d ordered the right kind..packing popcorn and marshmallows into boxes with Dd....all things I like to do

All the things YOU would like for your birthday. (And me too - I would absolutely love to have you in charge of my birthday celebration). But your husband is a different person who likes different things. He did not ask you to bust your ass and wear out your energy and patience doing all these things. You could have bought a cake at Tesco, a card from the Random Card stash, and put your feet up. Then when he got home you would not have to get angry and resentful at his lack of excitement, and he would not be expected to fake gratitude and appreciation for things he never asked for or wanted.

She did it because she thought it would be a nice thing to do for him, it doesn't sound like it's the first time she's done this so why is he being an arse now. There's no reason he couldn't have been gracious about it, even if he felt it was OTT, and to piss all over a little girl's additions to his lunch is just a dick move.

Next time OP do fuck all

Robintakeover · 04/03/2021 14:25

Your subsequent posts are quite telling OP and makes it obvious you have different backgrounds and expectations as to how birthdays are dealt with . Don’t give him too hard a time about this but maybe next year try a middle ground between what’s normal to you and to him . If your used to things being very low key or uncelebrated a big fuss can jar

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/03/2021 14:25

I won’t have my joy of life dampened though and will continue to celebrate others birthdays 🥳

Yes! And make sure your own birthday gets celebrated properly (you will need input), because he can't decide that you get a half-arsed birthday.

CroutonsAvatar · 04/03/2021 14:25

This would upset me, but mainly because I think you should try to enjoy the fuss when there’s a small child involved. They’re only young once. They may not even want to know you when they get older.

But I get pissed off when I make an effort for my husband to lukewarm receptions regardless.

Brefugee · 04/03/2021 14:27

I think that even if he doesn't like the fuss (and that's totes legit, especially in the morning) he should tell you not to do that. And maybe tell you the kind of things he would find acceptable.

But he missed a chance here to show your DD how to behave when someone gives you something they think you'll love and you don't. Which is a gracious thank you, accept whatever it is, and then dispose of it when they aren't there. Which is what he could have done with the additional lunch snacks. As for the giant cake, he could have said: wow, that's big, i'm going to have to work hard to take that all in. Maybe i could take half.

or whatever.

In your place, I wouldn't really bother again, and that's something your DD can learn too, we don't all like the same things, and that's ok too.

CroutonsAvatar · 04/03/2021 14:27

And as someone up thread said, (taking the cake to work) I bet he’s not a miserable ungrateful git in front of his work colleagues, just his wife and child. Charming.

MirandaMarple · 04/03/2021 14:29

Is he 5 today?

diddl · 04/03/2021 14:29

"Thinking about it, I suppose it was a bit presumptuous of him to think he was taking it to work."

I agree.

Does he know that this is even a thing at the new place?

And if he knows, why didn't he organise it?

If he doesn't know, he could have left it.

FrankskinnerscRoc · 04/03/2021 14:38

OP, YABVU for knocking the Lidl cake. You could’ve caked him in the face & see how MrBastardUngrateful liked that 🥳.

LegoPirateMonkey · 04/03/2021 14:39

We love birthdays. I couldn’t have married someone as joyless as the posters who ‘struggle’ with the idea of cake and a song before work or who find the idea of a party lunchbox embarrassing or stupid. Or who have cut-off ages for celebrating a birthday.

toocold54 · 04/03/2021 14:45

He probably should have tried to appear happy, but to me he sounds embarrassed rather than ungrateful. You did kind of treat him like a toddler... balloons, marshmallows, etc. I'd be feeling a bit nonplussed.

I misread and assumed you were talking about your toddler at first!
It is lovely you have made such a big effort but I can see why he’s be embarrassed by being treated as a toddler especially in front of his work colleagues - however he shouldn’t have acted like that in front of you! He should have acted more grateful and then binned it once he’d gotten in the car without you ever knowing.

ladycarlotta · 04/03/2021 14:47

oh, OP, I feel sad for you. It's not like you're asking for him to turn into Mr Tumble (are you???) but even my partner who is sort of similarly unbothered by birthday stuff is touched by the cute/silly/partyish things I and our toddler like to do.
Please don't let him squish you. What you did was really sweet.

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