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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just go with it and seem grateful

252 replies

Dogatemyporridge · 04/03/2021 09:08

Dh’s birthday today. Due to lockdown, tried my best to make it special. Baked a four sponge cake with the treats he liked, ordered big present all wrapped with balloons, toddler and I made a special packed work for lunch including party things like popcorn, marshmallows, chocolate..alongside normal sandwiches etc. All pretty silly stuff. Cue this morning, face pulling about how he’s going to take a cake that size to work (they usually take a cake to work at his workplace to share out)
Next trying to take things out of his lunch back as he’s not ‘Taking things like popcorn’ for his lunch...I ended up saying ‘Well, just put them in the bin then, just take them’ 🤷🏻‍♀️
Telling Dd to constantly ‘Calm down’ as she’s jumping around excited scout them balloons, cake etc.
Ordered a nice dinner delivery tonight of his favourite burgers (nice restaurant with steak/Angus burgers etc)
Aibu to think he could’ve just been (or at least pretended to be) a bit happier and well, more grateful 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
UserTwice · 04/03/2021 16:48

I really really dislike the idea that, with your nearest and dearest, you have to pretend to be grateful for something you don't like, rather than just telling them straight. Surely this just perpetuates them doing the thing you don't like?

Save the pretend gratitude for people who don't know you well enough to understand what you'd like and have tried their best.

Nanny0gg · 04/03/2021 16:50

@emilyfrost

I always enjoyed that when I went off to work and think it’s nicer than waiting until 7pm at night. He’s always done that for me too, so he can’t hate it that much.

There we go again - I enjoyed that, I think it’s nicer.

And of course he’s always done it for you - because he knows you like it. That’s part of being in a relationship - you do for the other person what they like, not what you yourself like and think they should like too.

Also with Dd excited about it, there’s no way we could wait until tonight.

Of course there is. You should teach your child to be patient.

She's a toddler! Why be so miserable?
JackieTheFart · 04/03/2021 16:54

Does no one feel pleasure at their toddler child being happy to celebrate their birthday?

No, he doesn’t haven’t to pretend to be grateful. But even someone who hates birthdays can normally drag up a smile for a toddler who’s put together a cute little lunch for them.

I’m not a big fan of birthdays but the majority of this thread sound like proper misery guts.

@Dogatemyporridge sounds like he woke up in a foul temper. Hopefully he’s better when he gets home!

Original poster
Dogatemyporridge · 04/03/2021 17:08

@Mydogmylife I don’t like a ‘Big fuss’ I’d hardly call it that 🙈

OP posts:
Mydogmylife · 04/03/2021 17:12

[quote Dogatemyporridge]@Mydogmylife I don’t like a ‘Big fuss’ I’d hardly call it that 🙈[/quote]
But you see that's the difference between us - I would! And I repeat ,neither of us is right or wrong - we just like different things. Deffo a chat about expectations required.

blueshoes · 04/03/2021 17:13

I am like your dh in that I don't care about BDs, my own or others. My dh knows how much I dislike a fuss being made of me. If he tried to organise a surprise party (not that it is possible in COVID), I would divorce him on the spot for bringing on my worst nightmare.

If he does not like it, why do it just because you think he will or should like it and feign gratefulness. I can imagine if I was rushing for work and had to calm an overexcited toddler and a wife wanting validation for an occasion that is a non-event in my life and she should know it, I would feel a teensy bit annoyed to have that added to my day. It feels like emotional manipulation to have to put a smile on.

I accept that you have done nothing wrong. He is probably feeling guilty now about being a miserable cow. I just wanted to explain how it feels to someone who might be pressed for time and heading off to work that they would rather not be at and a BD that is not eagerly anticipated in the least, to leave you with your toddler dd at home.

LilMidge01 · 04/03/2021 17:20

Jeez he sounds miserable! I think it's lovely that you've summoned up the energy to do this for him (especialyl given how lethargic alot of us are with lockdown at the moment and the feeling of not being able to do anything 'nice', every day the same etc...) and make him feel loved, and get your daughter involved. We love silly but sweet gestures like that in my family.

(I agree he could have dumped them on the way if he was embarrassed in front of his work colleagues, but tbh I would struggle to respect a man who felt silly and emasculated by a party lunchbox made by his toddler daughter on his birthday)

1forAll74 · 04/03/2021 17:24

I think you went a bit over the top with what you had prepared. If the cake has to be a necessity for taking into work, that should have been it really, all the other stuff would be a bit silly for a man to take into work.

maddy68 · 04/03/2021 17:28

He sounds like he's in a rush to get to work and these are little irritations. That he doesn't need regardless of the good intention

saraclara · 04/03/2021 17:29

We've always tried to do thoughtful things for each other's birthdays. Not huge parties or anything, but making it special for the person, and my kids loved that from the moment they understood what a birthday was. One of my daughters (the one who loves doing sweet things for people she loves, more than any of us) is married to a lovely guy who finds it really uncomfortable, and even receiving presents is something that he has to work at being responsive to. It's just not his thing.

But he gets that my DD likes to show her love that way, and she gets that she can't really be too full on (she saves that for me and her sister!) But she absolutely wants their daughter to be thoughtful and generous, and there's no way he'd dismiss his toddler daughter's excitelemt and gestures.

DeusEx · 04/03/2021 17:35

Why ask if YABU if you aren’t going to accept it when people say you are?

It sounds like you love big birthday things and he doesn’t really care. My parents make a HUGE thing of birthdays, which I always feel so awkward about as I’m not a big birthday fan (and am an adult). Because I have a half sister who is very young, I have to smile and suck it up because she’s ‘so excited it’s your birthday’. Right, then this ISNT one day that’s about me then, is if, it’s about the people putting the fuss on esp the child. So I’m with your husband.

DeusEx · 04/03/2021 17:37

@blueshoes

I am like your dh in that I don't care about BDs, my own or others. My dh knows how much I dislike a fuss being made of me. If he tried to organise a surprise party (not that it is possible in COVID), I would divorce him on the spot for bringing on my worst nightmare.

If he does not like it, why do it just because you think he will or should like it and feign gratefulness. I can imagine if I was rushing for work and had to calm an overexcited toddler and a wife wanting validation for an occasion that is a non-event in my life and she should know it, I would feel a teensy bit annoyed to have that added to my day. It feels like emotional manipulation to have to put a smile on.

I accept that you have done nothing wrong. He is probably feeling guilty now about being a miserable cow. I just wanted to explain how it feels to someone who might be pressed for time and heading off to work that they would rather not be at and a BD that is not eagerly anticipated in the least, to leave you with your toddler dd at home.

Yes to all of this
LaceyBetty · 04/03/2021 17:40

Why ask if YABU if you aren’t going to accept it when people say you are?

I think more of us have said she is not BU. Haven't formally tallied responses, but at least I hope so.
.

Mellonsprite · 04/03/2021 17:46

I think he sounds like a right miserable sod. Would it kill him to eat a couple of marsh mallows and popcorn that your DD has put in his lunch for him?
Our kids are older and we still do balloons and birthday teas, it’s nice to make an effort.
I don’t get why PP’s are griping so much on here?!?

YouAintKingDingALing · 04/03/2021 17:50

This is so going to end up in the Daily Mail. Cake Smile

Original poster
Dogatemyporridge · 04/03/2021 18:15

@YouAintKingDingALing What, why 🙈it can’t be as he’ll know I’ve written on here, not that any of us read it, think this story is a little dull 🤣

OP posts:
mainsfed · 04/03/2021 18:18

@DeusEx

Why ask if YABU if you aren’t going to accept it when people say you are?

Bloody hell, this is MN, not MC (mind control).

Original poster
Dogatemyporridge · 04/03/2021 18:46

@mainsfed 🤣It’s so intense

OP posts:
Matildalamp · 04/03/2021 18:58

This thread GrinConfused At least I’ve had a good laugh at some of the ridiculous comments.

OP, I’m sorry your DH was such a misery guts. I think you’ll need to have a chat about the correct response to a toddler excited about daddy or mummy’s birthday.

LaceyBetty · 04/03/2021 19:13

@maddy68

He sounds like he's in a rush to get to work and these are little irritations. That he doesn't need regardless of the good intention
Shouldn't have had a baby that grew into a toddler then. Gonna be lots of "little irritations" for the foreseeable future.
toocold54 · 04/03/2021 19:49

Shouldn't have had a baby that grew into a toddler then. Gonna be lots of "little irritations" for the foreseeable future.

It obviously wasn’t the toddlers decision 🙄

LaceyBetty · 04/03/2021 21:08

@toocold54 exactly. Poor thing that her dad finds her and her mum's birthday surprise for him irritating.

Doggybiccys · 04/03/2021 21:19

Sorry op I’m with @WorraLiberty and others. Sounds like you meant well but it was early doors as he was trying to get out to work. I couldn’t be arsed with fake yoo hoo type shite if I was trying to get out the door. Plus it reinforces you are working on your birthday. Would have been better to welcome him home after work for a nice evening.

Nith · 05/03/2021 10:11

@DeusEx

Why ask if YABU if you aren’t going to accept it when people say you are?

It sounds like you love big birthday things and he doesn’t really care. My parents make a HUGE thing of birthdays, which I always feel so awkward about as I’m not a big birthday fan (and am an adult). Because I have a half sister who is very young, I have to smile and suck it up because she’s ‘so excited it’s your birthday’. Right, then this ISNT one day that’s about me then, is if, it’s about the people putting the fuss on esp the child. So I’m with your husband.

Why claim that "people" say she is BU when you can see from a few seconds skimming through the thread that many, and conceivably most, say that she isn't?
FinallyFluid · 05/03/2021 10:55

Only me hoping that he came home and said sorry for being so grumpy this morning and they all moved on and lived happily ever after.