To just go with it and seem grateful

[Dogatemyporridge]

Dh’s birthday today. Due to lockdown, tried my best to make it special. Baked a four sponge cake with the treats he liked, ordered big present all wrapped with balloons, toddler and I made a special packed work for lunch including party things like popcorn, marshmallows, chocolate..alongside normal sandwiches etc. All pretty silly stuff. Cue this morning, face pulling about how he’s going to take a cake that size to work (they usually take a cake to work at his workplace to share out)
Next trying to take things out of his lunch back as he’s not ‘Taking things like popcorn’ for his lunch...I ended up saying ‘Well, just put them in the bin then, just take them’ 🤷🏻‍♀️
Telling Dd to constantly ‘Calm down’ as she’s jumping around excited scout them balloons, cake etc.
Ordered a nice dinner delivery tonight of his favourite burgers (nice restaurant with steak/Angus burgers etc)
Aibu to think he could’ve just been (or at least pretended to be) a bit happier and well, more grateful 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think it all sounds lovely and the cake maybe should have been brought out when he got home from work, he could have sorted out his own cake to take to work for his colleagues which is what most people do, not expect you to make it without actually asking you to, just expecting it. The packed lunch was a lovely idea and anything he didn’t want he could leave. Do you always make his lunch for him or was it a birthday treat? Sounds like he is taking you for granted and becoming a bit spoilt to me. YANBU.

But he didn’t even tell OP he wan RE d to take it to work. He sounds really entitled.

Possibly he didn't want to take it, but took it because she was already cross with him?

I’d have loved to have had your cake! Never get one here on my birthday unless my stepmum makes me one and brings it (my bday is very close to DCs birthday so she knows I do him one and she has often made me one which is lovely).

Homemade lovely cake - stays at home.
Cake for work colleagues? Shop bought one in a box. That’s what we do - for DH.
And yes, if your small DC fill your lunchbox with party treats you say thank you, lovely, and bin it at work if you don’t want it.

You said he was chuffed about the present. So he WAS grateful about the bit he liked, and I presume he will be the same about his favourite dinner he hasn't had yet. He was only ungrateful about the stuff that has just been done to appease your toddler and frankly I don't agree that adults should have to constantly cater to the whims of their children.

I think the present in the morning would have been good, then the cake in the evening. You could have all had cake after dinner and then there is far less for him to take to work the next day (which IS a standard thing to do regardless of workplace). I think you've been lovely and tried but missed the mark a bit, it happens.

We always do the cake, singing and candles in the morning as it takes two minutes, is no biggie and I think it sets you up nicely for the day 🤷🏻‍♀️I always enjoyed that when I went off to work and think it’s nicer than waiting until 7pm at night. He’s always done that for me too, so he can’t hate it that much. Also with Dd excited about it, there’s no way we could wait until tonight.

Laughing at the people saying I’ve made it all about me and Dd 🙈really can’t do right for doing wrong and since when was planning and putting effort into making someone’s birthday nice, a terrible thing to do. It’s not about me as I did everything for him I thought he’d like.

“ I'm always a bit mystified by adults over 30 celebrating birthdays tbh.”

I’m always mystified by people claiming this on mumsnet yet I read so many posts by upset people who (gasp) didn’t receive a birthday card, are throwing huge parties for their 40/50/60... gosh, it’s almost as if lots of people DO celebrate birthdays after 30.

I think it’s pretty bizarre any adult with children pretends their birthday is no big deal and not worth celebrating but still gets a cake and present for their kids. What are you teaching them?

Still can’t believe he took the lovely cake you made him to work and had the audacity to be ungrateful and embarrassed about it!

Meant to add when you’re a parent of little ones you should let them do something nice for you (in their eyes) for part of the day - they shouldn’t take over the whole day but surely part of it can be their involvement.

[quote Dogatemyporridge]@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken That’s it, I mean I come from a family who always makes an effort on birthdays, as it’s supposed to be the one day you feel a bit special. He doesn’t and we’ve had issues on him rarely making an effort on mine over the years, think a card and shop bought cake..that’s it.
Since Dd has come along, it is fun to get her involved, as it’s exciting to her, plus things are depressing enough as they are at the moment, any reason to celebrate anything helps.[/quote]
I think this post is very telling ..........YOU come from a family that makes a fuss over birthdays but HE doesn't. You find his approach odd and he probably feels the same about yours.

You both need to come to some sort of understanding/compromise or this is going to cause more issues in your relationship. I really recommend reading the book Love Languages.

@TheYearOfSmallThings I wasn’t really cross in front of him, as it’s his birthday and didn’t want it to be shitty, it’s him that wanted to take the cake, but had a look on his face about the size of it and asked ‘How am I going to take that to work?’

[quote Dogatemyporridge]@WorraLiberty Wtf, so now I’m supposed to feel bad for putting my dh and Dd in a horrible position?! My god, you know, next time I’m doing jack shit, unbelievable.[/quote]
But that's my whole point.

What you did would've been a lovely thing for me or for you

But it's not right to do it for someone who doesn't want that sort of thing on their birthday.

Surely you can understand you can't (shouldn't) force this sort of thing onto people?

I'm another who wouldn't have let him take the cake, or at least not ALL of it. His complaint that it was too big would've been the perfect chance to put an end to that suggestion.

However, I know that some people are a bit strange about birthday cakes belonging to the person they were made for, so by that logic, he was in his rights to take it all. Imo, the person who made the cake gets some say in it, as well.

I appreciate it’s your family tradition to do the cake and candles in the morning but usually after the cake and candles bit that’s when you cut the cake and eat it isn’t it? Not pick up the cake (that you’ve just blown all over during a pandemic) and take it to work to share with your colleagues

YANBU
He is a completely selfish miserable bastard.
My DS is currently excited planning his Dad's birthday and saying he wants to make it a lovely birthday. Maybe he will get something his Dad won't want at all. But his Dad will still be really pleased and happy, cos its from DS.
He should have had the good grace to be happy in front of his daughter. He should genuinely have been happy that his daughter was happy doing his birthday treat. l
What sort of miserable bastard throws a treat given him by his young child in the bin IN FRONT OF SAID CHILD whilst moaning about it?
Git.

I'd have wrestled that cake out of his ungrateful hands.

Op you and your DD sound lovely, Your DH sounds a miserable, ungrateful old git. I bet he's all Bah Humbug at Christmas too. Some people suck the joy out of any occasion and unfortunately you've got one of those.

@WorraLiberty I don’t think I was forcing it? If I’d done nothing, I’m sure he’d be upset, who does nothing for birthdays 🤷🏻‍♀️
It would’ve been much easier to do nothing. Busting my ass for hours making the cake whilst my toddler was having meltdowns, rushing to make a homemade card with her before he got home so he couldn’t see it, scouring the internet looking for the perfect gift, hoping I’d ordered the right kind..packing popcorn and marshmallows into boxes with Dd....all things I like to do, all fun, kind things, celebrating the people we love, celebrating life.

To do nothing...how miserable.

Oh I feel really sad for you and your child op. I think it's lovely you went to such an effort and who could complain about homemade cake? You sound wonderful and kind.

If he usually takes a cake in, does he usually organise that or do you usually make something for him take in?

If the former, why not this year also?

My Dh would be thrilled if the kids and I did this all for him. We love birthdays. Sorry to hear he didnt appreciate it. My Dh was thrilled the other day that my eldest son grabbed him his favourite soft drinks for when he came home from work.

It does often seem to be that what people would like for their own birthdays they organise for others.

Jesus Christ, if my small child made me a party lunchbox for my birthday I would be DELIGHTED

What a grumpy git

@diddl That’s why I was a bit confused. In his old workplace where he was for years, he bought his own cake-normal, cheapish, supermarket brand and a cheap bottle of bubbly, they all did that. He’d take that in and sort it all, not me. I’d usually buy/order/bake a nicer one that we’d have. He’s in a new workplace so I didn’t even think about it tbh so was a bit surprised when he said it 🤷🏻‍♀️I’m not actually arsed about him taking it as I cut a small slice quickly for Dd as a treat for her breakfast and I can do without it if we’re having burgers and chips for dinner. Thinking about it, I suppose it was a bit presumptuous of him to think he was taking it to work. I’m not sure, it wasn’t well planned out I guess! I thought we’d sing happy birthday, open the presents and cards and he’d be off, then we’d probably eat some when we got home.

I sent him a message before telling him to keep the cake at work as I didn’t think about covid etc (didn’t get chance to think about it!) he said it was nice and everyone liked it and he can’t wait to have a go with his present.

[quote Dogatemyporridge]@WorraLiberty I don’t think I was forcing it? If I’d done nothing, I’m sure he’d be upset, who does nothing for birthdays 🤷🏻‍♀️
It would’ve been much easier to do nothing. Busting my ass for hours making the cake whilst my toddler was having meltdowns, rushing to make a homemade card with her before he got home so he couldn’t see it, scouring the internet looking for the perfect gift, hoping I’d ordered the right kind..packing popcorn and marshmallows into boxes with Dd....all things I like to do, all fun, kind things, celebrating the people we love, celebrating life.

To do nothing...how miserable.[/quote]
OK, you need to talk to him then because you seem to be assuming if you did nothing he'd be upset.

Maybe he would or maybe (more probable) he'd appreciate jut a tiny gesture of some sort instead.

That's a bonus because it would stop you having to 'bust your ass'.

He'd be happy and so would you.