Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just go with it and seem grateful

252 replies

Dogatemyporridge · 04/03/2021 09:08

Dh’s birthday today. Due to lockdown, tried my best to make it special. Baked a four sponge cake with the treats he liked, ordered big present all wrapped with balloons, toddler and I made a special packed work for lunch including party things like popcorn, marshmallows, chocolate..alongside normal sandwiches etc. All pretty silly stuff. Cue this morning, face pulling about how he’s going to take a cake that size to work (they usually take a cake to work at his workplace to share out)
Next trying to take things out of his lunch back as he’s not ‘Taking things like popcorn’ for his lunch...I ended up saying ‘Well, just put them in the bin then, just take them’ 🤷🏻‍♀️
Telling Dd to constantly ‘Calm down’ as she’s jumping around excited scout them balloons, cake etc.
Ordered a nice dinner delivery tonight of his favourite burgers (nice restaurant with steak/Angus burgers etc)
Aibu to think he could’ve just been (or at least pretended to be) a bit happier and well, more grateful 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
toocold54 · 04/03/2021 14:48

I won’t have my joy of life dampened though and will continue to celebrate others birthdays

So someone’s else’s birthday is more about your happiness than theirs?

I can see why he acted like he did now.
My grandmother was like this - it always had to be about her.

Original poster
Dogatemyporridge · 04/03/2021 14:51

Yes, everyone is different, but I honestly have never met anyone who didn’t have at least a cake and card/present 🤷🏻‍♀️
My family are most definitely not extravagant or ott and we always just had a cake (my mum didn’t bake or order one, it was a nice o birthday type one from the shop) singing and presents and cards.
Literally everyone I know celebrates on a much grander scale.

It’s true, I am one for planning nice things and attempting to make things special for my loved ones, it’s ramped up more due to the arrival of Dd, plus with lockdown and the miserableness in the world currently, I’ve jumped on any little thing to celebrate.

Dh is rubbish on birthdays, I’ve had many where I’ve felt very sad as I’ve not had a gift or dinner planned in any way at all, it’s just been me making it as usual, the lack of thought and effort upset me.
We did have a talk about this when dd came along as I do believe it’s important to make effort, I was always involved in my dads plans for my mums birthday etc and I had to let him know that as she’s growing up she’ll need help with getting gifts etc. It’s odd I have to explain all this though, but it must be down to his background, I don’t think they even got each other a cake when he was growing up..isn’t that strange though? I’ve honestly never heard of that from anyone else. Even to whip up a basic cake and stick a candle in, I mean ffs

OP posts:
Lady1576 · 04/03/2021 14:54

Yes, I think he’s being ungrateful. He should be happy that he has a wife making an effort for him and a beautiful daughter who is excited for him. Doesn’t deserve the blessings he has got.... and to those of you saying is it what Heeeeee wanted. FFS happiness doesn’t equal having all the things exactly as you went them. That’s being a child. Being an adult is valuing the things you have, and understanding that it is not embarrassing if your child and wife love you.

Original poster
Dogatemyporridge · 04/03/2021 14:55

@toocold54 It’s not about me though, is it, I’m not making it about me, it’s to celebrate their special day and life in general, what else have we got. For my actual birthday, I’m not really that fussed but isn’t it nice to have someone feel special on their day, the alternative to do nothing is miserable,

OP posts:
Original poster
Dogatemyporridge · 04/03/2021 14:57

@toocold54 But what kind of man or adult is honestly embarrassed by that?! I’d have no qualms about having some popcorn & marshmallows at lunch and saying ‘Yeah, they’re for my birthday, from my toddler’
I mean 🤷🏻‍♀️Get a grip 🤣

OP posts:
Streats · 04/03/2021 14:58

OP he sounds like a right grump! My DH happily goes into work with DD's princess lunchbox because she's allowed him to borrow it as a treat or some kid snacks she's gifted to him. The women at his work are always gushing over what a great guy and great dad he is because of the little things like this.

Original poster
Dogatemyporridge · 04/03/2021 15:00

I don’t think he was honestly embarrassed about having popcorn and marshmallows as he isn’t like that, I think he just didn’t want it and couldn’t be arsed taking it.

OP posts:
diddl · 04/03/2021 15:06

[quote Dogatemyporridge]@toocold54 But what kind of man or adult is honestly embarrassed by that?! I’d have no qualms about having some popcorn & marshmallows at lunch and saying ‘Yeah, they’re for my birthday, from my toddler’
I mean 🤷🏻‍♀️Get a grip 🤣[/quote]
I suppose it could depend on the workmates.

Easy enough to say thanks though & leave them out to share later.

Husband & I aren't great celebrators, card, cake, meal out-present if we can think of anything to get!

But that didn't stop us organising stuff for the kids.

Our daughter was the first amongst her friends to have a sleepover-went down a storm & was the easiest party we ever did!

UserTwice · 04/03/2021 15:06

Next year-box cake from Lidl and a card.

I suspect he might prefer that over the fuss made this year.

From your updates it sounds like both you and DH have fallen into the trap of planning each others birthdays in the way that you want your own birthday to be. You clearly want a lot of fuss and to feel special on your birthday, so you've done that for DH. DH isn't really bothered about birthdays, so he makes no real effort for yours.

Basically you both need to learn to give DH the sort of birthday he wants.
And DH needs to learn to give you the sort of birthday that you want.

And neither of you are wrong to want your birthday celebrated in the way you want it. Even if you (neither of you) don't really understand why the other wants it that way.

LaceyBetty · 04/03/2021 15:08

Imagine if a mum of a toddler (or dad for that matter!) came on here and said that her DH and toddler had (i) bought her a nice and thoughtful present and balloons and (ii) baked a four layer cake and (iii) made a cute little party lunch for her to take to work and she complained that it was embarrassing and OTT and really just all about him and the child and that they shouldn't have done it in the morning of her actual birthday.

It's true what you said OP, you can't win sometimes.

DartmoorDoughnut · 04/03/2021 15:08

How are people interpreting this as a fuss? It’s a big standard birthday, cake, present, cards and a few balloons?! I mean I don’t do balloons for DH’s birthday or mine as they scare me, I spend the entire time waiting for them to pop Blush Grin

DartmoorDoughnut · 04/03/2021 15:09

Big standard = bog standard 🙄

LostFrog · 04/03/2021 15:11

I really want a party lunchbox now, and it’s not even my birthday

longestlurkerever · 04/03/2021 15:14

God some people are hard work. Being expected to say "ooh how lovely thank you so much" to your toddler who's made a fuss on your birthday is pretty low down on parenting hardships surely? It's the equivalent of admiring a picture they've drawn of you or trying the cooking they bring home from school. Sour grapes and huffing off leaving OP to deal with a toddler's hurt feelings is shitty behaviour.

LaceyBetty · 04/03/2021 15:15

Oh, and I should add complaining that the cake was too big!! WTF.

Viviennemary · 04/03/2021 15:22

I wouldn't like this. It's a bit over the top. Sorry. You need to read the signs.

BombyliusMajor · 04/03/2021 15:22

I suspect there’s a personality mismatch here. Some people get excited about balloons and party food and love it when things are ‘special.’ Other people actively dislike it. If your husband bought you binoculars and an anorak for your birthday because he and your toddler love birdwatching, how would you feel?

I think I could find it in myself to pretend to be grateful for the birthday stuff you describe, but if that wasn’t the sort of thing I was into it might make me question my marriage.

longestlurkerever · 04/03/2021 15:25

@BombyliusMajor

I suspect there’s a personality mismatch here. Some people get excited about balloons and party food and love it when things are ‘special.’ Other people actively dislike it. If your husband bought you binoculars and an anorak for your birthday because he and your toddler love birdwatching, how would you feel?

I think I could find it in myself to pretend to be grateful for the birthday stuff you describe, but if that wasn’t the sort of thing I was into it might make me question my marriage.

"if that wasn’t the sort of thing I was into it might make me question my marriage." Grin

Honestly, this is batshit. Weirdly it's the "how dare you make a fuss on my birthday" posters that are coming across as the most self absorbed here.

Original poster
Dogatemyporridge · 04/03/2021 15:27

@BombyliusMajor Erm, but, it was a cake type he specifically likes, the meal ordered is one that he specifically likes and the present is one for his hobby, which we don’t participate in..it’s all for him?!

OP posts:
toocold54 · 04/03/2021 15:28

I’d have no qualms about having some popcorn & marshmallows at lunch and saying ‘Yeah, they’re for my birthday, from my toddler’

But that’s you not everyone else. So you’re making about yourself. I personally would love it but for someone else’s birthday I would do what they like and not what I like.

HermioneKipper · 04/03/2021 15:29

Miserable git. I would be furious if id gone to loads of effort while juggling kids and got that in return. I’d have told him to shove the lot up his arse and cancelled the meal tonight. You’re a nicer woman than me OP

diddl · 04/03/2021 15:29

"Some people get excited about balloons and party food and love it when things are ‘special.’"

They were from his toddler though weren't they, so of course he shouldn't have been disparaging.

Original poster
Dogatemyporridge · 04/03/2021 15:30

@toocold54 Well, I thought he would like that, that’s my point.

OP posts:
LaceyBetty · 04/03/2021 15:30

but if that wasn’t the sort of thing I was into it might make me question my marriage.

Oh my good god, seriously!?!

greeneyedlulu · 04/03/2021 15:32

This has got nothing to do with eating popcorn at work or anything else other than your DP not making an effort to be happy for his little girl who had made an effort because its Daddy's birthday! Us mums have to slap on a smile all the fucking time for our kids yet this feck couldn't do it for 10 minutes!! He could have just been excited and said 'yay thats great, thank you little one' and just popped them back in the cupboard for later, there was certainly no need for moaning about it.