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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just go with it and seem grateful

252 replies

Dogatemyporridge · 04/03/2021 09:08

Dh’s birthday today. Due to lockdown, tried my best to make it special. Baked a four sponge cake with the treats he liked, ordered big present all wrapped with balloons, toddler and I made a special packed work for lunch including party things like popcorn, marshmallows, chocolate..alongside normal sandwiches etc. All pretty silly stuff. Cue this morning, face pulling about how he’s going to take a cake that size to work (they usually take a cake to work at his workplace to share out)
Next trying to take things out of his lunch back as he’s not ‘Taking things like popcorn’ for his lunch...I ended up saying ‘Well, just put them in the bin then, just take them’ 🤷🏻‍♀️
Telling Dd to constantly ‘Calm down’ as she’s jumping around excited scout them balloons, cake etc.
Ordered a nice dinner delivery tonight of his favourite burgers (nice restaurant with steak/Angus burgers etc)
Aibu to think he could’ve just been (or at least pretended to be) a bit happier and well, more grateful 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
GreenlandTheMovie · 04/03/2021 13:03

He sounds miserable, rude and joyless.

But a cake, special lunchbox full of treats, a present wrapped in balloons and a special dinner is a bit OTT, especially for an adult. It sounds more like something you'd do to brighten up your and your DC's day. And why do you make his lunch for him anyway?

Perhaps he just isn't into food all that much. Maybe he has a hobby that he'd have appreciated a related for more? I agree its better to pretend to be grateful though.

GalesThisMorning · 04/03/2021 13:07

Since lockdown my DS has become even more over the top excited about birthdays, and I wouldn't have thought that possible! There is not a lot to break up the days and weeks. Any special day is met with full on excitement, and why not? Kids need fun and joy and celebrations in their lives.

If my husband didn't allow the household a day of excitement and ruined it with a long face I would be mad. So what if you dont enjoy balloons and popcorn yourself? Its called being a parent. You do things you dont particularly enjoy. My birthday dinner was very late served because of DS helping and the cake was burnt for the same reason. Obviously I did what parents do and exclaimed with joy over how wonderful it all was. Hardly a big deal.

grapewine · 04/03/2021 13:07

agree with pp who said you made it all about you and the kid. Your subsequent posts are all about you, your feelings and the child and their feelings. Nothing about the person whose birthday it actually is

Agree with this.

diddl · 04/03/2021 13:10

We used to give a card & say "Happy Birthday".

Presents & cake after work.

Ohnomoreno · 04/03/2021 13:14

I'm always a bit mystified by adults over 30 celebrating birthdays tbh. I make myself a cake now that I let the kids have fun decorating, but if I didn't have them, I wouldn't bother at all. I'd be totally mortified by birthday fuss on a weekday morning. Mind you, not as irritated as I was by my husband's 6.30 am proposal before I had to head off to a crisis meeting at work (no, I didn't show it)...

Robintakeover · 04/03/2021 13:15

I can understand why you’re hurt but I have sympathy with him too.

My husband doesn’t like a big fuss on his birthday - but I would never just ignore it . Neither though would I make a big song and dance about it in a way that was for the benefit of the children and not him.

He still had to go to work today - maybe he had something he was worried about there waiting for him .

Bit strange to take the cake you made to work though - next year make sure there’s something else for him to take ! Do your cake and candles after work.

CaffineismyBFF · 04/03/2021 13:16

I used to do this for my husband, big box with cake and treats for his team (biscuits, crisps, basically all the junk you could find in Sainsburys!). He never once complained and would take photos for me with his team enjoying them (I knew his co-workers too). Your husband sounds a bit grumpy, maybe more to it? Is he usually a grump on his birthday? Has he said anything about stress etc recently? Sometimes you need to read the room before going all out.

mainsfed · 04/03/2021 13:17

I can’t believe you made a 4 tier cake and the twat took it all to work.

He sounds so ungrateful OP.

Make a fuss with DD on YOUR birthday, fuck him and his ungrateful ass!

Walkingthedog46 · 04/03/2021 13:18

Ungrateful sod! You’ll know what (not) do next year. Just don’t bother.

Keratinsmooth · 04/03/2021 13:20

I think the massively oversized cake might be a bit embarrassing, you knew there were only four of them. That said, if it were me I would be try to be excited, thank you and probs only take half of it into work. Do they defo do cake on birthdays at his new place of work?

fiveoldteddies · 04/03/2021 13:22

popcorn chocolate kiddies treats????

mainsfed · 04/03/2021 13:23

@Keratinsmooth OP say:

I didn’t actually know he wanted to take the cake to work..I wanted some 🤣I wouldn’t perhaps bought a smaller one wrapped up in that case.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/03/2021 13:24

My god, you know, next time I’m doing jack shit, unbelievable.

The thing is, he might prefer that - just a "Happy birthday dear!" in the morning, maybe a card or small gift.

You flouncing and saying "next year I'm doing jack shit" might be the equivalent of him huffily saying "well next year I won't make you a photo book of my best cycle rides, and talk you through them for hours. Hah!".

MoreMorelos · 04/03/2021 13:24

All that fuss first thing in the morning would leave me grumpy tbh, he had 15 minutes and you filled that with cake and sing at that time of day?!?! Something nice for breakfast and a card before work, save the fanfare for later

mainsfed · 04/03/2021 13:25

@TheYearOfSmallThings

My god, you know, next time I’m doing jack shit, unbelievable.

The thing is, he might prefer that - just a "Happy birthday dear!" in the morning, maybe a card or small gift.

You flouncing and saying "next year I'm doing jack shit" might be the equivalent of him huffily saying "well next year I won't make you a photo book of my best cycle rides, and talk you through them for hours. Hah!".

Except he took the cake to work. So he wants the fuss but doesn’t want to show any appreciation.
BeigeFoodLover · 04/03/2021 13:26

@Ohnomoreno

I'm always a bit mystified by adults over 30 celebrating birthdays tbh. I make myself a cake now that I let the kids have fun decorating, but if I didn't have them, I wouldn't bother at all. I'd be totally mortified by birthday fuss on a weekday morning. Mind you, not as irritated as I was by my husband's 6.30 am proposal before I had to head off to a crisis meeting at work (no, I didn't show it)...
Why is 30 the cut off?!
AryaStarkWolf · 04/03/2021 13:30

Yeah he's an ungrateful arse, i wouldn't be bothering next year

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/03/2021 13:33

Except he took the cake to work. So he wants the fuss but doesn’t want to show any appreciation.

Genuinely, he may have been just as happy with a crappy Mr Kipling from the petrol station on the way to work.

heydoggie · 04/03/2021 13:33

Gosh these replies are strange.

My DH hates birthdays, I usually cajole him into doing something low key - meal out - but sometimes we just leave it and it is a 'happy birthday' however this is the first year our toddler understands birthdays so he knew we'd have to do something. I snuck down and decorated with balloons and a banner, she helped make a card, he was super happy and excited by how happy and excited she was because she's two, and its a day to celebrate her daddy. I would have murdered him if he was grumpy in front of her. We don't normally go in for marking celebrations but I think you do for kids. And he would have loved a lunchbox with a party in it, that is adorable.

And yes, would have been v unimpressed by him taking the cake - I would have said oh this isn't a work cake, this is a home cake and let him sort one he felt was more 'appropriate.'

Ploughingthrough · 04/03/2021 13:36

I get it op. My DC would have loved to have made a party lunchbox for my DHs birthday when they were little. He would have very much pretended to love it (despite disliking popcorn!). When you have little DC you have to do stuff like that.
As for the cake, he could have just said he was going to leave it at home so he could eat it with the DC and you later, and then buy something else on the way in for work. Sounds like a right grump .

harknesswitch · 04/03/2021 13:37

Ungrateful sod. If my dh went to all that trouble, even if I didn't like it I'd at least make him feel appreciated. Do sod all for him next year

What did he do for your lockdown birthday op?

sergeilavrov · 04/03/2021 13:37

You’re not weird. There is competitive non-celebration on this thread. My DH and I work in ‘serious’ industries and neither of us exactly suffer from smile lines, but even we do birthdays. Cake, balloons, decorations, presents, treats, weekend trips. We are doing a whole safari for DH this year. Now we have two little ones, we don’t even get to skip the song.

He sounds miserable. Speak to him about it tomorrow, so he can’t spin it and suggest you ruined his birthday. Bake yourself a cake YOU like, and get stuck in. He can enjoy his covid work cake. You sound lots of fun and like you’re a lovely mum Flowers

Ploughingthrough · 04/03/2021 13:38

I get it op. My DC would have loved to have made a party lunchbox for my DHs birthday when they were little. He would have very much pretended to love it (despite disliking popcorn!). When you have little DC you have to do stuff like that.
As for the cake, he could have just said he was going to leave it at home so he could eat it with the DC and you later, and then buy something else on the way in for work. Sounds like a right grump .

mainsfed · 04/03/2021 13:38

@TheYearOfSmallThings

Except he took the cake to work. So he wants the fuss but doesn’t want to show any appreciation.

Genuinely, he may have been just as happy with a crappy Mr Kipling from the petrol station on the way to work.

But he didn’t even tell OP he wan RE d to take it to work. He sounds really entitled.
Flippyferloppy · 04/03/2021 13:41

I would be miffed too. It's DH's birthday soon and it's been a real challenge to try a sort out something a bit special within the rules. I hope he likes is.

None of us are in our normal state right now though, so I wouldn't take it too personally. I think we're all more grumpy that usual.