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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just go with it and seem grateful

252 replies

Dogatemyporridge · 04/03/2021 09:08

Dh’s birthday today. Due to lockdown, tried my best to make it special. Baked a four sponge cake with the treats he liked, ordered big present all wrapped with balloons, toddler and I made a special packed work for lunch including party things like popcorn, marshmallows, chocolate..alongside normal sandwiches etc. All pretty silly stuff. Cue this morning, face pulling about how he’s going to take a cake that size to work (they usually take a cake to work at his workplace to share out)
Next trying to take things out of his lunch back as he’s not ‘Taking things like popcorn’ for his lunch...I ended up saying ‘Well, just put them in the bin then, just take them’ 🤷🏻‍♀️
Telling Dd to constantly ‘Calm down’ as she’s jumping around excited scout them balloons, cake etc.
Ordered a nice dinner delivery tonight of his favourite burgers (nice restaurant with steak/Angus burgers etc)
Aibu to think he could’ve just been (or at least pretended to be) a bit happier and well, more grateful 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Anydreamwilldo12 · 04/03/2021 12:15

He's an ungrateful git. How nasty not even trying to be happy for your daughters sake. I would be telling him to shove the special burger meal up his arse. He doesn't deserve it.

Mylittlesandwich · 04/03/2021 12:18

Surely that means you'll need to buy more cake for you all to have later 😉.

I hope it was just because he was tired/rushed but I'd have a word later. Your little one wanted to help celebrate. It's hardly a crime.

StressedTired · 04/03/2021 12:18

[quote Dogatemyporridge]@StressedTired That’s actually a valid point, hadn’t even thought of that. I’m going to text to keep it at his workplace.

Ffs, now even more pissed off that I should have cut a quarter of it for us to keep here to eat at home-shit day this is turning out to be![/quote]
Ha! Good plan. Lesson learned... when you're trying to be generous and caring for someone who doesn't appreciate it, just put yourself first instead!

LaceyBetty · 04/03/2021 12:18

Oh for goodness sake. He is a grown man with a toddler. He needs to set an example and be bloody grateful that anyone did anything for he miserable arse. Who cares if it's not what he wanted (sex and a shed - please). He has other people to think about. I have received loads of presents and food gifts in the past that I didn't particularly like, but I would absolutely never let on to the giver - especially if it was my spouse and child. He needs to apologize and set a better example for his child.

CarelessSquid07A · 04/03/2021 12:20

I'd be absolutely mortified at such a fuss on my birthday. I hate that sort of attention and struggle even with cards and presents so likely would have been grumpy. But then I've always been that way, its been a real struggle with the in laws who make a terrible fuss and don't really get why I avoid them on occasions.

Would've taken the lunch though and wouldn't dream of taking a handmade cake like that to work could've just stopped at tesco on the way to pick something up.

LaceyBetty · 04/03/2021 12:22

A present he wants with a couple of balloons attached and a homemade cake from his wife and toddler is hardly a fuss.

ItsMarch · 04/03/2021 12:23

He sounds like a fun sponge. Even if it’s not his thing, could he not have pretended for 15 minutes for his excited toddler?

UserTwice · 04/03/2021 12:26

I'm going to go against the grain and say, whilst it would have been nice to pretend to be happy for the toddler's sake, that it's his birthday. You did a bunch of stuff that he didn't appreciate. I would have thought his birthday should be about doing stuff that he wanted, not what you thought he should appreciate.

But then I don't get the trend that you have to pretend to be happy to your nearest and dearest "because they made an effort" even if it wasn't the effort you wanted.

For example, I hate flowers. If you know me you would be aware of this. If DH bought me flowers, I would not be appreciative of the effort he'd made, I would be unappreciative because it showed how little he'd thought about what would actually please me.

WorraLiberty · 04/03/2021 12:31

[quote Dogatemyporridge]@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken That’s it, I mean I come from a family who always makes an effort on birthdays, as it’s supposed to be the one day you feel a bit special. He doesn’t and we’ve had issues on him rarely making an effort on mine over the years, think a card and shop bought cake..that’s it.
Since Dd has come along, it is fun to get her involved, as it’s exciting to her, plus things are depressing enough as they are at the moment, any reason to celebrate anything helps.[/quote]
Firstly, I think he should have faked his feelings in front of his DC, as that would be the decent thing to do here.

But you should never have put him or your DC in that position in the first place.

You need to respect the fact that he doesn't feel the same way about birthdays as you do and that's perfectly valid.

You can't force this sort of thing onto people who don't like/want it, as it's just not fair.

I quite like a birthday to be honest, although I've never gone OTT with the fuss. Perhaps because I strongly disagree with as it’s supposed to be the one day you feel a bit special.

Not it isn't. You're both married with DC together, you shouldn't have to rely on one day to 'feel a bit special'.

Perhaps that's why some people are more into birthday fuss than others?

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 04/03/2021 12:32

Wtf, you made him a birthday cake and he took it to work without even owing candles out with his family at home?

You made are effort to make it special for him and then he fucked off with it in an ungrateful way. I'm sorry but that is really rude.

My dh normally takes his left over cake to work the next day as I always make huge ones and that's fine but I'd be upset of he did what your one did.

thebabessavedme · 04/03/2021 12:39

next 4th march would be a 'oh sorry, have I missed something?' from me

he sounds rude and boorish and not enjoying the fact that his toddler was excited for daddys birthday is shit behaviour.

Baseratefallacy · 04/03/2021 12:40

I think he could have been much kinder - you did well to organise all of that while minding a toddler - and he could have acknowledged your efforts but there's a balance with presents between what is for the person you are buying for, and what is about you as the giver. Maybe cakes and fuss are not his thing? Or maybe he is sensitive about getting older?

Original poster
Dogatemyporridge · 04/03/2021 12:44

@WorraLiberty Wtf, so now I’m supposed to feel bad for putting my dh and Dd in a horrible position?! My god, you know, next time I’m doing jack shit, unbelievable.

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 04/03/2021 12:45

I'd be absolutely mortified at such a fuss on my birthday.

Why would someone be mortified at a loved one trying to do nice things? She didn’t make an embarrassing public show and I can’t imagine a work place where they show each other what’s in their lunch boxes so it was just an attempted to show the day meant something and in turn that he meant something. Being mortified about this kind of this is unusual. I’d be hugely annoyed if dh took the one cake I’d made to work (currently for shouldn’t be shared unless individually wrapped but I’m in a hospital with strict infection control rules).

I did speak to dh pre birthday to establish what he wanted though as he’s not a big fan of surprises.

Hubstar · 04/03/2021 12:46

I think you did a overly thing in the circumstances that you’re allowed. Y husband would probably not eat it. But he’s show our kids how much their hard work had made him happy

Last year me and mine. Spent the whole day before (were talking 8 hrs) making paper chains. We cut his name out. Made silly paper lavender etc. Hours and hours we did. He was so proud. He sent photos to everyone he knew.

I think he was grumpy.

Hubstar · 04/03/2021 12:47

Lovely. Not overly!

AreTurnipsReal · 04/03/2021 12:47

I would be miffed if I was you, OP.
Whenever women come on here to say they are disappointed with birthdays they get a right bashing when it turns out the DH had made an effort but it wasn't quite perfect for them. This is the same situation - thr DH is being ungrateful. Is he generally nice???

Shetoshe · 04/03/2021 12:48

Miserable git. I married one of these too. When you have children you should make more of an effort - even pretend - to be grateful when your family goes to the trouble of making a fuss on your birthday.

YANBU! I've been tempted to stop making an effort with mine too - especially since his birthday is only a few days after mine when he would have done the absolute bare minimum. However, I think it's important to model to my DC and I want them to turn out like me not him in this regard, so I keep making the fuss but make sure it's something we all get to enjoy. So instead of making him a birthday lunch, I would decorate the house while he's a work and have a birthday tea when he gets home so even if he's miserable and ungrateful you and your DD can enjoy it.

IJustWantSomeBees · 04/03/2021 12:49

You did nothing wrong.

Charm23 · 04/03/2021 12:49

Regardless of whether or not your DH didn't particular like the popcorn/marshmallow or they weren't his favourites, he is being very inconsiderate and a bit rude considering you've done a nice thing for him. He should have shown a bit more respect and gratitude but at least now you know not to bother in future.

BronwenFrideswide · 04/03/2021 12:50

@Heyahun

Wow how ungrateful - his child wanted to make him a party lunchbox! He could have smiled and said thank you!
Agree, what a miserable git and how upsetting for his child.
SecretSpAD · 04/03/2021 12:54

I quite like a birthday to be honest, although I've never gone OTT with the fuss. Perhaps because I strongly disagree with as it’s supposed to be the one day you feel a bit special.

Exactly this.I agree with pp who said you made it all about you and the kid. Your subsequent posts are all about you, your feelings and the child and their feelings. Nothing about the person whose birthday it actually is - who you presumably wanted to make a fuss of on their birthday....well, you know they don't do the fuss that you like and yet you insist that you have to do it because "everyone" likes singing and cake and other crap....newsflash.....you're wrong.
A present, a happy birthday and a nice dinner is most people's idea of a nice birthday. NOt balloons, not dealing with hyper children first thing in the morning and not fuss and annoyances before a day at work.

cansu · 04/03/2021 12:55

He sounds like a miserable arse. I would be telling him so.

thepeopleversuswork · 04/03/2021 12:59

I'm genuinely flabberghasted at the people who think its somehow inappropriate to have made a "childish" lunch. It's quite obviously something done for the benefit of your toddler.

He sounds like an absolute miseriguts to tbe honest.

Maybe I'm old fashioned but I'm of the view that if someone's made an effort on your birthday you accept it with good grace rather than mithering your spouse about its appropriateness. And I can't believe there's a workplace in the world which would not have taken the food in the spirt that its intended.

JenIsAGem · 04/03/2021 12:59

I would be hurt by his reaction! I don't think YABU at all OP. I think he could've at least acted grateful and happy in front of your toddler as well.