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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off dating a man who doesn’t drive

759 replies

TrunkintheJunk · 03/03/2021 18:46

Recently started online dating. Been talking to someone who seems really nice. We’re arranging to go for a walk somewhere next week.
Thing is, he doesn’t drive. He’s 39 but just ‘never got around to learning’.
Am I a dick for being put off by this??

OP posts:
MumofSpud · 03/03/2021 23:13

I am sorry to all the (happy) non drivers but I find it strange that he can't drive.
Could he have a health condition (or has been put off the road?)
I couldn't imagine having a non- driver as a DH when it comes to family life

ViciousJackdaw · 03/03/2021 23:13

I'm reserving judgement on his living arrangements. He's been living at his parents for five months - perhaps he feels it is safer to stay put for the time being, there's been a bit of a bug going round after all.

frogswimming · 03/03/2021 23:19

If my car breaks down I can hire one or get a taxi. Or if I am in a place with public transport, use that, or cycle. When I lived in London tube problems were far more disruptive than my car breaking down has ever been.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 03/03/2021 23:23

@frogswimming

If my car breaks down I can hire one or get a taxi. Or if I am in a place with public transport, use that, or cycle. When I lived in London tube problems were far more disruptive than my car breaking down has ever been.
Well that’s fine if you’re somewhere where public transport is an option. Whenever I see arguments against non-drivers on MN, it’s always ‘What would you do if you lived in a tiny market town with no public transport?’ My answer is ‘I wouldn’t, because I can’t drive’ - but if you believe MN, dozens of people are queuing up to live in places like that.
BackforGood · 03/03/2021 23:37

If I were listing 'pros' and 'cons' n a logical and non-emotional way, then it would certainly be a 'con' but I wouldn't have some sort of hard and fast rule that I wouldn't consider someone who didn't drive.
If everything else about him seems nice, then meet up and see.
It might be an indicator of lack of ambition or (dare I say?) 'drive' Wink, or it might be there is a good reason why he doesn't that he hasn't wanted to talk about so early on (eye condition, epilepsy, had a traumatic crash some years ago and can't face getting behind a wheel again).

If he lives rurally though, it sounds like it will be a challenge to even sort out dates to begin with ?

Baws · 03/03/2021 23:47

No it would be an issue for me too. If you have kids it would be you doing all of the drop offs and pick ups, school runs etc. Being responsible for all of the driving cause resentment. It would be a deal breaker for me unless there was a valid reason.

ArcheryAnnie · 04/03/2021 00:10

YABU, yes, you are being weird.

But you are not obliged to date anyone, for any reason - you are free not to date a man because you don't like the tassels on his shoes - so just don't date him.

ArcheryAnnie · 04/03/2021 00:11

And I find all this dependence on a car so infantilising. I'd be more put off trying to date anyone who was helpless to get around without their car.

GreenlandTheMovie · 04/03/2021 00:31

@ArcheryAnnie

And I find all this dependence on a car so infantilising. I'd be more put off trying to date anyone who was helpless to get around without their car.
I agree with you, but I don't think you can equate lack of a car with lack of having passed a driving test. Its certainly a useful skill and one that most adults are now expected to possess, along with reading and writing.
Mally2020 · 04/03/2021 00:35

it wouldn't bother me as long as they showed willing to learn

GoldenOmber · 04/03/2021 00:38

@TangerineGenie

My H can't drive (medical reasons, but it's an "invisible disability") and it never occurred to me to mind. (And thank goodness it didn't!)

Yep, same here.

All these people saying it's different if there's a disability involved, they'd never even get close enough to find that out.

Yes, you get the impression people think that if you have a Proper Medical Reason for not driving then it’ll be immediately obvious, even through online dating. But why would it be?

YANBU though OP, if he’s not for you for whatever reason then he’s not for you. Life’s short, you’re already dubious, move on to someone else.

kylie122 · 04/03/2021 00:43

I wouldn't go on a date with someone that didn't drive

Osirus · 04/03/2021 00:45

What seasoned drivers don’t realise, is that they are a lot of positives to being a non-driver. I’ve only been driving for a year, so I still remember those good points quite fondly.

It wouldn’t put me off - life is not black and white and is more complex than just couldn’t be bothered to learn. There are lots of reasons I didn’t learn until my mid-30s. From the outside, I expect it did look as though I just couldn’t be bothered!

If he is otherwise nice, it might be worth finding out a bit more about him? He might be planning to drive at some point, and he might be wonderful.

Osirus · 04/03/2021 00:46

They should be there (first line).

Morgoth · 04/03/2021 01:17

So many people in their 20s and 30s don’t drive or if they can, don’t own a car. It’s becoming more and more common. Money is really tight for young people at the moment and unless they live in the middle of nowhere, it’s just not a realistically affordable priority. Handy skill yes, but not a priority for many. I’d say I meet more people in their 20s and early 30s who don’t have driving licenses than who do.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/03/2021 01:20

You're not obliged to find anyone attractive and you're permitted to find some unattractive for any fickle reason. That's why we date, not marry the first fly that lands

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 04/03/2021 01:22

If he expects other people to ferry him around constantly then YANBU.

If he cycles / get public transport / a taxi if necessary and is generally quite self sufficient when it comes to transport then YABU.

I didn't learn to drive until my mid-20s, and didn't get a car until my late 20s (circumstance, not choice, forced me to get a car). I have never expected lifts from anyone - a combination of cycling locally, long distance trains and very occasional taxis (e.g. on the way home from Ikea with lots of heavy stuff) saw me through. Occasionally when visiting others I'd get the train to their city and they'd offer to pick me up from the station, but it's not something I ever expected.

TaraR2020 · 04/03/2021 03:01

I think YABU but I have also noticed it puts me off, so not only am i BU but I am also a hypocrite and apparently pretty judgy

Sapho47 · 04/03/2021 03:03

@Hawkins001

Which matters more, a good personality, shared interests ect or a person that can drive ?
How depressing is your dating pool that thats a choice you have to make?
XelaM · 04/03/2021 03:08

I used to have a huge thing for a man at my old place of work who preferred cycling and taking trains to driving. He was in his 40's and the fact that as a grown man he didn't own or want a car should have been a red flag for me that he's not a keeper.

IHaveBrilloHair · 04/03/2021 03:14

You're allowed to be put off by whatever you want.
You don't owe anyone a date, never mind a relationship.
If that's not driving, then so be it.

mummywantstobeslim · 04/03/2021 04:45

I grew up in the country and it was a lonely experience- lack of transport didn't help. Now that I live in civilisation as an adult with public transport it doesn't bother me that I don't have a car. I have a licence but I hate driving and happy to save money.

mummywantstobeslim · 04/03/2021 04:49

This thread is almost as depressing as the thread a few weeks ago where so many grown women admitted to not washing their hands after using the toilet at night Grin

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/03/2021 05:43

@Sparklingbrook

Some people have never been privileged enough to have the money to pay for driving lessons never mind a car.

This is why it's good to do it at 17 (if you wish to). DSs paid with a mixture of birthday money from relatives and money from PT Saturday jobs, DH and I bought a few too, and they didn't need loads of lessons to pass their test.
DS went off to Uni having got his licence, he wouldn't have the time or money to have lessons now.

Not everyone has parents willing or able to chip in to help pay for lessons. I wasn't living at home at 17, I had my own place and was working full time waitressing. Minimum wage for a 17 year old at that time didn't allow any extra for driving lessons, I only had £20 a week left after all bills and I had to use that to buy food. Everyone has very different circumstances.

I could afford to learn to drive now but I've got this far without it so can't really see it enhancing my life in any way.

UsedUpUsername · 04/03/2021 05:53

Omg my DH is exactly the same and it’s so annoying. I’ve turned into the family chauffeur.

Fml 🤦‍♀️

don’t let this happen to you ....