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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off dating a man who doesn’t drive

759 replies

TrunkintheJunk · 03/03/2021 18:46

Recently started online dating. Been talking to someone who seems really nice. We’re arranging to go for a walk somewhere next week.
Thing is, he doesn’t drive. He’s 39 but just ‘never got around to learning’.
Am I a dick for being put off by this??

OP posts:
FredAstairesChair · 04/03/2021 06:10

I'm a lesbian (if AT ALL relevant) and I'd never date someone who couldnt drive again. It just makes me feel like I'm the one who has more independence and more responsibility and I dont think thats healthy.

HikingInTheHills · 04/03/2021 06:14

No I would find it a babyish trait like he hasn’t quite grown up. Also a bit lazy and selfish if he can never return the favour others have done by driving him around over the last 39 years because he “never got around to learning”. Would totally put me off too.

23PissOffAvenueWF · 04/03/2021 06:16

@mummywantstobeslim

This thread is almost as depressing as the thread a few weeks ago where so many grown women admitted to not washing their hands after using the toilet at night Grin
How are they even comparable?
Sparklingbrook · 04/03/2021 06:30

@Waxonwaxoff0

Yesi realise everyone has different circumstances obviously, and I described ours. It worked for us.

CaffineismyBFF · 04/03/2021 06:40

OH didn't drive when we met. It did bug me but I liked him. He lived and worked in London so didn't need a car. Just got on with it, mid 20s and wasn't a deal breaker for me.

When we were expecting DC1 he got his license and a car thank god.

User26272829 · 04/03/2021 06:41

I’d definitely be put off dating someone who couldn’t drive, medical reasons aside. You’d be ferrying him around everywhere like his mother. That and not having your own place at almost 40 would be a hard pass.

Rewis · 04/03/2021 06:42

These threads are always really frustrating cause people are coming in strong with different opinions and they are not even in remotely similar situations.

Me personally, I have a license but no car cause I cannot justify the expense at the moment. I will get one once I feel it is necessary. However, people in these threads always say it's about a li ence but not a car and still tell examples that revolve around owning a car.

So for me not driving is not an automatic no. It's how they handle not driving. Do they expect others to drive? Are they limited to staying at home and not able to leave? Do they offer money for petrol? Do they have a lifestyle that requires a car but unwilling to spend money on it or is their lifestyle so that they dont need a car? Do they wish to move very rurally? If yes, are they willing to learn and get a car? Etc. So to me it is about their personality and expectation about others than the licence/car itself.

So basically "I don't drive, but I cycle and use public tranapaotation a lot and manage well with my social life and work life" is not a turn off. "I don't drive and I want everyone to drive me and will not pay" is a turn off but this is more to do with personality. If your own lifestyle is based on driving around a lot (and I don't mean the moments where you don't actually need a car) and you don't want to have to be the one to do it and always be using your car then that is fine.

Op, anything you want is allowed to be a turn off. Haircolor, taste in chocolate, likes to wear hat. If not driving is a turn off then that is ok.

Bythemillpond · 04/03/2021 06:48

DH does drive but because of a health problem can’t at the moment.
It is another issue I have to take on. I can’t wait till he can get back to being able to go and get a pint of milk or getting himself to and from places.

It just is another thing to add to the mental load.
I couldn’t ever consider someone who just didn’t drive

CyberdyneSystems · 04/03/2021 06:50

You will become a taxi if things get serious

Fucket · 04/03/2021 06:50

Been there done that, and never again. Totally treated like a chauffeur, and they are so needy. No comprehension of the costs or how tiring driving everywhere is. Often sanctimonious about the ‘environmental choice’ but seem to forget that being a passenger in your DP’s car is just as bad (especially when that person is performing an errand for them.)

Unless of course it’s a medical reason, then I’d let that slide. But even then you’d be able to have more of an honest discussion about it, because presumably such a person does not have a man-child personality.

gannett · 04/03/2021 07:15

MN is so fucking weird about cars.

I don't drive, DP doesn't drive, neither of us have ever considered it. OK, we live in the city and there's absolutely no practical need to - but at the same time I've noticed acquaintances insist on driving distances I'd happily walk, cycle or hop on a bus for.

I can understand that if you live rurally and you do drive, you don't want to end up being the chauffeur. That's fine. (Isn't the answer just to... not be? Presumably non-drivers have been getting themselves around the place fine before they met you.)

But every MN thread about dating drivers is full of bizarre and really quite messed-up conflations of a man's ability to drive with his character, morality, ambition and masculinity. In this thread alone we have posters claiming that not driving means he's a wuss, he's incapable, he's not responsible, he's a manchild. They all sound like vile women tbh, and I hope never to have judgmental people like that in my life.

And does no one even give the tiniest shit about the environment? If you're not going to make any effort to live a slightly greener life at least hold off on judging those who do.

In my experience car drivers are some of the most entitled people around when it comes to their right to dominate the road, to foul up the air, to throw hissy fits whenever councils make the smallest concessions to cyclists and pedestrians. MN threads do not do anything to counter this view.

KatherineJaneway · 04/03/2021 07:16

@ArcheryAnnie

And I find all this dependence on a car so infantilising. I'd be more put off trying to date anyone who was helpless to get around without their car.
Public transport might be available but it is not always running when you need it to be.
Nesski · 04/03/2021 07:24

@gannett by reading the posts on this thread, it's clear that individuals that can drive would want their partners to be able to drive aswell, as it keeps to their lifestyle. The main point being able to drive Vs actually owning a car to zip around as this opens up to opportunities and flexibility in instances where there is no public transport available. If the individual can look at the glass half full like relying on taxis every time they need private transport, which doesn't exist everywhere you'd want to go anyway, or keep the need to be close to amenities when making decisions on where to live, and what holidays they can go on. The bottom line is that it is a different lifestyle between drivers and non-drivers.

I don't think I've seen anyone who isn't able to drive expect their other half to be able to drive.

felulageller · 04/03/2021 07:25

Maybe he lost his licence for drunk driving and that's why his ex kicked him out!

muppette · 04/03/2021 07:26

@gannett

MN is so fucking weird about cars.

I don't drive, DP doesn't drive, neither of us have ever considered it. OK, we live in the city and there's absolutely no practical need to - but at the same time I've noticed acquaintances insist on driving distances I'd happily walk, cycle or hop on a bus for.

I can understand that if you live rurally and you do drive, you don't want to end up being the chauffeur. That's fine. (Isn't the answer just to... not be? Presumably non-drivers have been getting themselves around the place fine before they met you.)

But every MN thread about dating drivers is full of bizarre and really quite messed-up conflations of a man's ability to drive with his character, morality, ambition and masculinity. In this thread alone we have posters claiming that not driving means he's a wuss, he's incapable, he's not responsible, he's a manchild. They all sound like vile women tbh, and I hope never to have judgmental people like that in my life.

And does no one even give the tiniest shit about the environment? If you're not going to make any effort to live a slightly greener life at least hold off on judging those who do.

In my experience car drivers are some of the most entitled people around when it comes to their right to dominate the road, to foul up the air, to throw hissy fits whenever councils make the smallest concessions to cyclists and pedestrians. MN threads do not do anything to counter this view.

👏 well said.

Totally agree.

Sleep with him first before you presume he's a wimp because doesn't drive.

I'd rather have a non-driver than a bullish show-off bad driver.

muppette · 04/03/2021 07:27

@felulageller

Maybe he lost his licence for drunk driving and that's why his ex kicked him out!
Oh actually yes that's a point 🤦‍♀️
Doingitaloneandproud · 04/03/2021 07:32

I dated my ex for 5 years and he didn't drive. It was a pain in the butt by the end if I'm honest. You're always the one to drive obviously and it does begin to cause resentment. I wouldn't choose to do that again.

Sparklingbrook · 04/03/2021 07:36

These threads are always really frustrating cause people are coming in strong with different opinions and they are not even in remotely similar situations

Threads about not driving always go like this. Everyone is on the defensive, and has their own very particular circumstances.

OlympicProcrastinator · 04/03/2021 07:36

It’s not the lack of driving per say that would be the biggest turn off for me, but the ‘just never got round to it’ bit. At 39.

Doesn’t instil that ‘get up and go’ confident, motivated, feel that I find attractive in a man. But you do you OP. It really only matters how you personally feel about it. I don’t think YABU though.

Cam77 · 04/03/2021 07:49

@XelaM
I used to have a huge thing for a man at my old place of work who preferred cycling and taking trains to driving. He was in his 40's and the fact that as a grown man he didn't own or want a car should have been a red flag for me that he's not a keeper.

Sounds like you have a pretty narrow/prejudiced worldview to put your personality mismatch down to him not owning a vehicle.

JackieTheFart · 04/03/2021 07:49

@XelaM

I used to have a huge thing for a man at my old place of work who preferred cycling and taking trains to driving. He was in his 40's and the fact that as a grown man he didn't own or want a car should have been a red flag for me that he's not a keeper.
Red flag for what? Confused
Kazzyhoward · 04/03/2021 07:52

@gannett

MN is so fucking weird about cars.

I don't drive, DP doesn't drive, neither of us have ever considered it. OK, we live in the city and there's absolutely no practical need to - but at the same time I've noticed acquaintances insist on driving distances I'd happily walk, cycle or hop on a bus for.

I can understand that if you live rurally and you do drive, you don't want to end up being the chauffeur. That's fine. (Isn't the answer just to... not be? Presumably non-drivers have been getting themselves around the place fine before they met you.)

But every MN thread about dating drivers is full of bizarre and really quite messed-up conflations of a man's ability to drive with his character, morality, ambition and masculinity. In this thread alone we have posters claiming that not driving means he's a wuss, he's incapable, he's not responsible, he's a manchild. They all sound like vile women tbh, and I hope never to have judgmental people like that in my life.

And does no one even give the tiniest shit about the environment? If you're not going to make any effort to live a slightly greener life at least hold off on judging those who do.

In my experience car drivers are some of the most entitled people around when it comes to their right to dominate the road, to foul up the air, to throw hissy fits whenever councils make the smallest concessions to cyclists and pedestrians. MN threads do not do anything to counter this view.

OK, we live in the city and there's absolutely no practical need to

And there's the answer in a nutshell. People who have good public transport and lots of local amenities don't appreciate the realities of life in the smaller cities, towns and villages without.

Cam77 · 04/03/2021 07:55

@KatherineJaneway
“Public transport might be available but it is not always running when you need it to be.“

That’s true but Ive always lived and worked near my home. For those odd occasions public transport isn’t an option, well... I could (in theory) spend day £150 a month on taxis and still save over the course of a year compared to many drivers. Of course in reality I don’t and save probably £1500 odd a year compared on transport to many drivers. But I do often take £100 taxi roundtrip to the airport and think nothing of it. To sum up, not everyone has the same situation as you. People lead very different lives. Some people need to drive, but many get along just fine without.

emmetgirl · 04/03/2021 08:00

Depends where you live. In a city served well by public transport no problem. Where I live? Absolutely essential to drive. There's also the danger you'll become his taxi. It'd be an issue for me tbh

Skeroooerrat · 04/03/2021 08:00

I would never ever date someone who didn't drive.