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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off dating a man who doesn’t drive

759 replies

TrunkintheJunk · 03/03/2021 18:46

Recently started online dating. Been talking to someone who seems really nice. We’re arranging to go for a walk somewhere next week.
Thing is, he doesn’t drive. He’s 39 but just ‘never got around to learning’.
Am I a dick for being put off by this??

OP posts:
JackieeWeaver · 03/03/2021 21:39

You're being completely reasonable. Driving gives you freedom, opportunity for spontaneity, independence. Until you have it, you never know what you were missing.

Had I lived in central London though, or similar, I can see how easy it would be to bypass learning, with public transport so accessible and frequent. I live more rurally though, so driving has been a lifeline. DH drives too.

Ditched a boyfriend once who had a licence but no car. He was around 40 minutes away and I was doing all the commuting. Ironically, it was those journeys in the car on my own that made me realise I wasn't that fussed about seeing him anymore. Every cloud!

cyclingtowardsbethlehem · 03/03/2021 21:43

No, no problem. DP can't drive- he has lived in cities all his adult life and no need to. I can but we don't have a car. Most of our friends don't have cars either. I don't actually know who can and who can't for sure. All professionals, kids and good jobs, 30s. London.

It is vaguely irritating if we hire one on holiday and I have to drive it, but he's also irritated by my failure to empty the dishwasher so we're quits.

As long as they had a plan to get around (and you can get loads of taxis for the cost of having a car parked on your drive, I don't expect him to learn just to go to IKEA twice a year).

MrsJBaptiste · 03/03/2021 21:49

Forgetting the fact that he doesn't have his own place at 39...

There's absolutely no way I could be with someone who doesn't drive. I'd hate havjng to be the one who pops to the shops, drops so and so off here and there, drives to that family meal...

Men who don't drive? Not for me.

iljatdip · 03/03/2021 21:50

He doesn’t have his own place either. He’s been living with a family member since his last relationship ended

This would put me off more than not being able to drive to be honest. When did his last relationship end? Why has he not found his own place by now? When does he plan to find his own place? Is he a hobosexual - a person who needs a place to live so quickly gets into a relationship with someone and moves in rather swiftly?

As for the driving thing. If you both live in the city with easy access to public transport then I think it doesn't matter so much. I only learned to drive in my late 30s when I moved somewhere rural with poor transport. Before that I'd got along just fine and the two men I was in ltrs with couldn't drive either but it wasn't a problem.
However, you say you are both rural so it's going to be a pain in the ass. He can't drive so you'll be having to pick him up and drive him places and drop him back where he lives etcetc.
Then as the relationship progresses he moves in (this will happen when there's some kind of issue where the poor guy suddenly finds himself with nowhere to live through no fault of his own - ie. his family get pissed off with him living there etcetc.). Once moved in you'll be driving him around everywhere - to the shops, to meet friends and so on. A previous poster has made a list of all the things she had to do for her ex who couldn't drive.

Throw this one back and find someone else. It's the combination of lack of own place and lack of driving licence that would suggest this guy is going to be a pain in the backside further down the line.

timeisnotaline · 03/03/2021 22:10

Both quite rural? It wouldn’t work for me as a lifestyle. I don’t care how he gets to work (except bonus points for cycling), and think people should drive less, but I’d want to be able to take weekends away, visit family, go out to dinner and not be the only driver. Then with children involved it’s a total dealbreaker. I wouldn’t be in a relationship where I did all the cooking and housework and I also won’t do all the taxiing to sport, activities and friends.

Hairbrush123 · 03/03/2021 22:11

Me personally, I’d be more bothered if he couldn’t drive than him living with his parents. Culturally for me, it’s ok for people to live with their parents in their 20s/30s and it’s not something that’s frowned upon (I know of someone who left home at 45!) so that wouldn’t bother me however the driving would.

I live somewhere where public transport isn’t the greatest so the thought of ferrying around someone who can’t be bothered to learn to drive would put me off. However if he had a license but chose not to drive as he lives in a city and doesn’t need a car would be a different story. Maybe you’ll inspire him to learn to drive?

Carolina24 · 03/03/2021 22:12

I probably would be too. It wouldn’t be an absolute dealbreaker but it’s definitely a hassle to consider.

ByTheStarryNight · 03/03/2021 22:24

I agree with 'never bothered to learn'. That's an annoying situation to be in as a sole driver.
But....
If I was single, would that make me undateable? Would I have to put on my profile that I have epilepsy? I don't have to declare it on job applications, so sod off if you think I'm going to say "Hi I'm Starry. I cant drive because I have epilepsy. Do you still want to go on a date ?"

There are some narrow-minded posts here saying "I'll never be the sole driver in a relationship again". It's not always a choice. Any one of us can lose our licence at any time for a whole host of different reasons. I drove for 23 years. Then it was gone in an instant.

MessagesKeepGettingClearer · 03/03/2021 22:25

@SmallPrawnEnergy

Some people have never been privileged enough to have the money to pay for driving lessons never mind a car. It’s really not surprising to see poverty as a turn off, and how many women would write off a man just for not driving. But then the same women will complain that there are no nice men out there Grin
By the age of 39, someone can't keep using their family wealth, or lack of it, as an excuse to not drive or have their own place (rented or mortgaged).

He has had 20 years to earn money, save and invest into either/both and clearly hasn't done either.

It screams of lack of ambition and independence. Lots of people in poverty still drive or house themselves.

HelenDrinkwater · 03/03/2021 22:27

Aaargh noooo! I ended up being his fucking chauffeur for 22 years. The resentment was huge!

frogswimming · 03/03/2021 22:28

It would put me off. A boyfriend should enhance my life. I wouldn't fancy chauffeuring him round. He also sounds a bit unmotivated about things. Not much of a go getter. I mean, that could be wrong given more info about him, but that'd be my first thought.

muppette · 03/03/2021 22:30

Depends on his background. If Eastern European over a certain age quite common not to have had the chance to learn.

Sparklingbrook · 03/03/2021 22:33

Some people have never been privileged enough to have the money to pay for driving lessons never mind a car.

This is why it's good to do it at 17 (if you wish to). DSs paid with a mixture of birthday money from relatives and money from PT Saturday jobs, DH and I bought a few too, and they didn't need loads of lessons to pass their test.
DS went off to Uni having got his licence, he wouldn't have the time or money to have lessons now.

TangerineGenie · 03/03/2021 22:35

My H can't drive (medical reasons, but it's an "invisible disability") and it never occurred to me to mind. (And thank goodness it didn't!)

Yep, same here.

All these people saying it's different if there's a disability involved, they'd never even get close enough to find that out.

UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 03/03/2021 22:36

Yanbu. I didn’t think it mattered and married a man who doesn’t drive but 26 years later it drives me mad that it’s always me driving on holiday and for shopping or nights out.

FelicityMingington · 03/03/2021 22:38

Honestly, if I see a man and woman in a car I expect to see the man driving. If it's the other way round I think less of him, and certainly wouldn't want to be that woman. A lot of women feel exactly the same (but would never admit it.)

StillCoughingandLaughing · 03/03/2021 22:41

@TrunkintheJunk

Recently started online dating. Been talking to someone who seems really nice. We’re arranging to go for a walk somewhere next week. Thing is, he doesn’t drive. He’s 39 but just ‘never got around to learning’. Am I a dick for being put off by this??
Yes, you are.
Meezer2 · 03/03/2021 22:43

I've been with my DH since 1998.. doesn't drive, never wanted to.
Lived in London for years and used that as an explanation for never learning.
It used to be an issue and sometimes can be a pain in the ass being the only driver.
Everything else about him and how great our marriage is negates any problems re not driving.
I'd be missing out on a great life with a man I love if I'd been so shallow as to make his not driving an issue.

Cam77 · 03/03/2021 22:46

Millions of people get by just fine without owning a vehicle - usually living in a city or living very near their place of work, and taking public transport/taxis as and when necessary. Significantly reduces their carbon footprint too, of course.

Thepennyhasdroppedq · 03/03/2021 23:02

I'd be put off

Cam77 · 03/03/2021 23:03

The amount many people seem to rely on cars is quite frankly ridiculous. I’ve never owned a car (though did learn to drive) and have held jobs in a dozen different cities and towns in several different countries - always managed to live reasonably near where I work (or vice versus). It seems for some people that dear ownership sets them up subconsciously for a life of hour long daily commutes behind the wheel, rather than aiming for a package of work/house/leisure in greater harmony. Not to mention the significant expense and pollution caused by car ownership/commuting. To each their own anyway,

Cam77 · 03/03/2021 23:04

car ownership (not dear ownership, that would be impractical)

JackieTheFart · 03/03/2021 23:04

It doesn’t make you a dick to be turned off by anything at all, IMO.

If it’s a deal breaker for you, it’s a deal breaker. It doesn’t bother me. You don’t have to give someone a chance for any reason.

rawalpindithelabrador · 03/03/2021 23:04

No one is a dick for not wanting to spend time with a new person they meet online.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 03/03/2021 23:13

@Cam77

The amount many people seem to rely on cars is quite frankly ridiculous. I’ve never owned a car (though did learn to drive) and have held jobs in a dozen different cities and towns in several different countries - always managed to live reasonably near where I work (or vice versus). It seems for some people that dear ownership sets them up subconsciously for a life of hour long daily commutes behind the wheel, rather than aiming for a package of work/house/leisure in greater harmony. Not to mention the significant expense and pollution caused by car ownership/commuting. To each their own anyway,
Completely agree with this. I don’t drive and, if you believe some MNers, I’ve completely restricted my life by relying on public transport. But consider this - if you live in an area where you HAVE to be able to drive to get to work, what happens if your car breaks down, or gets stolen, or you have to sell it? You’re fucked. Meanwhile, I might not be able to jump in a car and go wherever I want - but if there’s a train strike, there’s the Tube; if there’s a Tube strike, there are buses; if all three strike together, life would be difficult, but it’s still less likely than a car breaking down and one option out of one being unavailable.
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