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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off dating a man who doesn’t drive

759 replies

TrunkintheJunk · 03/03/2021 18:46

Recently started online dating. Been talking to someone who seems really nice. We’re arranging to go for a walk somewhere next week.
Thing is, he doesn’t drive. He’s 39 but just ‘never got around to learning’.
Am I a dick for being put off by this??

OP posts:
PinkSkyBlue · 05/03/2021 14:03

It would put me off.
Couldn't date a non driver.

GoldenOmber · 05/03/2021 14:07

@SparklePantz

YIKES. What a thread. It's humbling to know that despite my diverse experiences and achievements, my DH, family and friends are secretly pegging me as nothing but a lazy, childish burden Sad
We should set up a Partners/Families of Non-Drivers Support Group for the poor lambs. They can sit around drinking tea and sobbing into tissues saying things like “and THEN she expected me to get a TAXI home from the airport!” while people pat them on the shoulder saying ‘there, there, you’ve been so strong’ Grin
daisypond · 05/03/2021 14:27

Whilst I would understand if they lived in Central London to a certain extent I would still find it strange that they never learned.

I don’t think it’s strange. It’s more strange if they had learned. If you’ve grown up in central London, you are used to public transport. Your parents might not have a car either, so it’s what you know, and you also can’t do any additional practice outside of formal lessons. Lessons in London are expensive, learning to drive there is difficult, the cost of running a car there huge. Lots of people find learning to drive very hard too - they can’t pass the test.

Badyboo · 05/03/2021 14:39

That they hadn’t even considered that it might open up their horizons

Or perhaps non-drivers have considered how not driving limits their life, including potential relationships, and decided that on balance they still have no interest in it?

UtterSocks · 05/03/2021 14:50

There's no right or wrong if it's a preference of yours to have someone who can drive (it is for me too - I once dated someone who didn't drive and found it irritated me having to ferry him about like one of my teenagers) For others it may not be a big thing but you are entitled to your own opinion!

KatherineJaneway · 06/03/2021 06:56

“Public transport might be available but it is not always running when you need it to be.“

That’s true but Ive always lived and worked near my home.

That is not always a choice on offer, to be close to home. Jobs change, offices move.

speakout · 06/03/2021 08:33

Do we all want to become a nation of city dwellers?

Crackerofdoom · 06/03/2021 08:39

DH didnt drive when we first met.

However, he never asked me for lifts. He used public transport for most things or would walk. It was never a burden for me. His DSis has 2 kids and still doesnt drive. She never asks her husband to drive her around, she just plans things around the transport options available to her.

DH drives now which is important as we have kids and live rurally, but I think a lot of non-drivers have adapted to not driving and the assumption that you will become a taxi service is not necessarily fair.

It is whether they are a freeloader rather than a driver which is the issue.

Maverickess · 06/03/2021 08:47

Lots of people find learning to drive very hard too - they can’t pass the test.

Well exactly. I think some people are forgetting the fact that you have to be regarded by a professional to be at the legal standard to drive. It's not a given that that will happen, no matter how much time, money and effort you put into it. Considering the attitudes towards non drivers, is it any wonder people don't say they've tried over and over and can't do it?
Is there an acceptable limit to the amount of times you fail, or the amount of money you spend trying? 5 failed tests? 10? Or £1000, £5,000? Or do people think you should keep throwing money and time at it until the day you pass or die, whichever comes first, to prove your worth to society?

poppycat10 · 06/03/2021 09:08

My first reaction was that it would put me off but then I thought of people who are like rabbits in headlights when they have to do a test and may just not be able to get through a driving test even though they are perfectly capable. I guess those people could drive with you alongside them though, as long as they don't need to use a motorway.

Depends where you live, too. If you are somewhere with very good public transport it doesn't really matter.

Templetree · 06/03/2021 09:20

@MessagesKeepGettingClearer

YANBU. I'd be put off.

I think it shows a lack of independence, organisation and responsibility.

This Plus the lack of stability hints at a drink, drugs or gambling/ spending problem.

It will be fast moving " you are the love of my life" and before you know it his feet are under your table and you are driving him everywhere.
Tale as old as time.

MaryShelley1818 · 06/03/2021 09:27

It would definitely put me off, I wouldn't date someone who chose not to drive.
We have 2 small children (toddler and newborn) our options would be severely limited without driving.

phoenixrosehere · 06/03/2021 11:56

*DH didnt drive when we first met.

However, he never asked me for lifts. He used public transport for most things or would walk. It was never a burden for me. His DSis has 2 kids and still doesnt drive. She never asks her husband to drive her around, she just plans things around the transport options available to her.*

Funny, how so many struggle with this simple concept that many non-drives can live their lives without driving, not rely on lifts from others and still be independent and organised.

AllMyPrettyOnes · 06/03/2021 12:12

Funny, how so many struggle with this simple concept that many non-drives can live their lives without driving, not rely on lifts from others and still be independent and organised.

Yep, seems to be an alien concept to people on here.

RedcurrantPuff · 06/03/2021 13:28

Even if people don’t ask partners for lifts etc most couples or families will go out together, it would do my head in having to be the only driver whenever we went for a day out/holiday etc.

DdraigGoch · 06/03/2021 13:40

@RedcurrantPuff

Even if people don’t ask partners for lifts etc most couples or families will go out together, it would do my head in having to be the only driver whenever we went for a day out/holiday etc.
Do households with no car never go for days out then?
StillCoughingandLaughing · 06/03/2021 13:56

And goodness knows what single people are supposed to do. They never have anyone to alternate with when it comes to driving. Do they spontaneously combust from the stress of always ‘having’ to drive?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 06/03/2021 14:02

Find it funny that so many wouldnt date a man that couldn’t drive as he couldn’t do his share but so many men are expected to be the only earner.

Fembot123 · 06/03/2021 14:05

I failed 7 times 🤫

Number3BigCupOfTea · 06/03/2021 14:09

@fembot123 same, passed 8th time but that point i was so disgusted with the financial racket lessons. Tests, theory tests 😩 renewing 1st provisional, 2nd provisional argh argh
I am happier just living in a big town near bus routes. I feel ok. So weird reading these comments. What is wrong with people!! Oh, btw, i never ask for lifts.

phoenixrosehere · 06/03/2021 14:19

Even if people don’t ask partners for lifts etc most couples or families will go out together, it would do my head in having to be the only driver whenever we went for a day out/holiday etc.

You do know you don’t need a car every time for a day out depending on where you live. Even going on holidays many families don’t rent cars especially when you have to consider car seats.

Number3BigCupOfTea · 06/03/2021 14:21

Yeh, im better than average at googling bus routes and seeing what connects with what other route. I went from city to city in spain and also in denmark so i can organise a day out. I use taxis as well but sirprisingly infrequently as i just never feel the need.

zingally · 06/03/2021 14:21

It would be a deal-breaker for me, definitely.

I'm sure he's learnt to get himself around town by the age of 39, but I suspect, if you were to get serious with him, he'd quickly be seeing you as chauffeur. And you'll spend your life on "could you quickly just run me to...?" drives.

Shedbuilder · 06/03/2021 14:25

@AllMyPrettyOnes

Funny, how so many struggle with this simple concept that many non-drives can live their lives without driving, not rely on lifts from others and still be independent and organised.

Yep, seems to be an alien concept to people on here.

I think what us drivers are agog at is the idea of having to live life around bus and train timetables and the availability of taxis all the time. The thought of lugging our bags, guitars (other musicals instruments are available), walking gear, camping equipment or whatever for a week in a cottage in the Peak District or a camping weekend in Cornwall is horrifying.

Not being able to drive limits your choices and experiences, I'd say. You don't have to own a car to be a driver. I used to rent a car once every month or two when I lived in London. Cheaper than owning one and it enabled me to take stuff to the dump, go to Ikea and the garden centre, go away somewhere rural for the weekend without having to leave on Sunday morning and spend the day limping home on sporadic Sunday service buses and trains.

I'm happy to use public transport a lot of the time. I've done several week-long holidays to Europe on Eurostar and will do so again. But when on holiday in rural Portugal or France I want to be able to drive around to see all there is to offer in the area.

ColdandFrosty1 · 06/03/2021 14:34

It would put me off yes. My epilepsy means I can't drive and probably won't be able to for a while so we'd often be restricted about where we could go what we could do etc. I have a drivers licence myself though so if I was able to drive myself it wouldn't put me off