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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off dating a man who doesn’t drive

759 replies

TrunkintheJunk · 03/03/2021 18:46

Recently started online dating. Been talking to someone who seems really nice. We’re arranging to go for a walk somewhere next week.
Thing is, he doesn’t drive. He’s 39 but just ‘never got around to learning’.
Am I a dick for being put off by this??

OP posts:
adeleh · 04/03/2021 22:30

My DH doesn’t drive. It does sometimes feel a drag to do it all. On the other hand he brings me coffee in bed every day. Swings and roundabouts.

FrickinA · 04/03/2021 22:35

Happy to be the chaffeur in the relationship? If not then end it...

Lampan · 04/03/2021 22:39

Many years ago I had a conversation with my friends about dealbreakers and I thought they were being silly to say they would be put off by someone who didn’t drive. Until I dated someone who didn’t drive and I completely changed my mind. I realised that if we went anywhere together (days out etc) I would have to drive, as if I was his mum or something. He would be free to have a drink etc while I wouldn’t have the option. Though I think the real issue was that he just had never bothered to learn - I have also dated someone who could drive but just didn’t have a car, that was OK as he would at least be able to share the driving in my car (also was in London so easier to manage without one)

MagnoliaXYZ · 04/03/2021 22:45

It would put me off. Where I live, you're pretty stuck if you don't drive.

Maverickess · 04/03/2021 22:57

Thinking on it, I've missed far more trips out and social events because of my job rather than my lack of driving.

Though it's terribly annoying when people don't want to meet in a perfectly nice place, or visit somewhere lovely because the parking is crap and can't be arsed with the park and ride. I live on the coast, most of the nice little coastal town's and villages are renowned for being bad for parking, Though served relatively well by public transport. But nope, the drivers won't go there because parking is a hassle and they're far too clever and independent to use the park and ride or public transport.

So selfish and entitled of them to not do something that doesn't suit them and suits me. Utter selfishness.

optimistic40 · 04/03/2021 23:00

I drive, my boyfriend doesn't, and it has never caused a single problem. He would rather walk or get a train than ask me to drive him about.

Enough4me · 04/03/2021 23:01

Rural and in construction, how has he been able to get to sites?

I wonder if he's been caught drink driving and this is a cover!

DrSbaitso · 04/03/2021 23:02

@optimistic40

I drive, my boyfriend doesn't, and it has never caused a single problem. He would rather walk or get a train than ask me to drive him about.
Good username.
DdraigGoch · 04/03/2021 23:04

@Enough4me

Rural and in construction, how has he been able to get to sites?

I wonder if he's been caught drink driving and this is a cover!

It's quite common for labourers to be picked up by a crew van.
occa · 04/03/2021 23:05

Yep, that'd put me off.

I have a friend who's married to a non-driver. it's a nightmare for her and I don't know how she puts up with it really in the long-term. They live in the country so she has to drive the kids to school, drive him to work, do all the shopping, drive the kids to clubs, pick him up at work. AND she works as well. It's a huge strain and hundreds and hundreds of hours of extra driving for her every year.

AMMCIAC · 04/03/2021 23:06

Completely depends on his (real) reasons for not driving. I don't believe that he's never for round to it. What, he's had about 22 years to "get round to it", and he's never had time? Nonsense. If he's got a medical reason, then that's fine of course, but he shouldn't lie about it. You need to find out the real reason.

RUOKHon · 04/03/2021 23:14

So of the two of you, you’d be the only one with your own car and your own place?

Sounds like he’s a man child looking to level up to cocklodger. I’d give him a miss, unless he’s supernaturally good looking.

Silvergreen · 04/03/2021 23:29

Not off-putting for me. I live in London and dislike long car journeys.

CherryPieface · 04/03/2021 23:30

I hate the obsession with cars. Hoping that climate change and our response will see more people choose not to drive. It wouldn’t put me off at all.

DdraigGoch · 04/03/2021 23:32

@Sosigsandwich

They're a pain in the arse because they guilt you into lifts, days out have to be planned around bus routes, you end up doing all the driving on holidays so can't drink, you always have to go to them as it's 'easier' to name a few.
I regarded my decision to sell my car (for environmental and financial reasons) to be a problem for me alone to solve. I do not expect other people to ferry me around. I even discourage them from offering me lifts as I do not wish to be a charity case. I can't think of many destinations where driving is the only possible way of getting around. I've been on holiday to the Scottish Highlands without a car, it was easy (Arisaig bunkhouse is very much recommended for well presented, cheap accommodation by the way), and if everyone doesn't drive then everyone can drink.

As it happens, the current Covid rules in Wales prohibit driving or using public transport to exercise. Exercise must begin and end at home. Therefore, the only legal way in which you can meet a friend for a walk is to walk or cycle to wherever you plan to meet up. My friend lives 20 miles away and has a car but no bike. Take a guess at which of us will therefore be cycling a 40 mile round trip on the weekend so that we can go for a walk. Who is going out of their way to the other's town?

Sidewalksue · 04/03/2021 23:40

@occa

Yep, that'd put me off.

I have a friend who's married to a non-driver. it's a nightmare for her and I don't know how she puts up with it really in the long-term. They live in the country so she has to drive the kids to school, drive him to work, do all the shopping, drive the kids to clubs, pick him up at work. AND she works as well. It's a huge strain and hundreds and hundreds of hours of extra driving for her every year.

I have a friend like this. She spends a lot of time sitting cold in car parks waiting to pick up children whilst he’s sat at home. He just ‘couldn’t be bothered to learn’.
chocolatemademefat · 05/03/2021 10:35

Totally put me off. I’d put it down to laziness.

SparklePantz · 05/03/2021 11:30

YIKES. What a thread. It's humbling to know that despite my diverse experiences and achievements, my DH, family and friends are secretly pegging me as nothing but a lazy, childish burden Sad

RUOKHon · 05/03/2021 11:37

People don’t drive for lots of reasons. It’s not in and of itself a deal breaker.

But I think people are missing the bit where he moved out of his ex girlfriend’s house when that relationship ended and moved back in with relatives. Added to the fact he doesn’t drive, the overall picture starts to look a bit man-childish.

MaLarkinn · 05/03/2021 13:23

Ridiculous.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 05/03/2021 13:29

@CherryPieface

I hate the obsession with cars. Hoping that climate change and our response will see more people choose not to drive. It wouldn’t put me off at all.
I say the same about more than two kids. We all have something.
seensome · 05/03/2021 13:45

Having recently come out of a relationship, my ex bf didn't drive, in the end it caused a big obstacle, as I live rural, he did get the train but I had to pick him, drop him off, take him to shops etc. He wouldn't live with me until he had learnt to drive and saved for a car, would of been years waiting for him. So in future I'm avoiding dating men that can't drive!

Norwaydidnthappen · 05/03/2021 13:47

It doesn’t really bother me tbh. I dated a couple of guys who couldn’t drive years ago, I lived in a big city so it wasn’t an issue at all. Suppose it’s different if you live rurally and you’d be expected to pick him up for dates or whatever, that would get boring. You don’t actually need to drive in many large cities, useful life skill sure but not a necessity.

Holothane · 05/03/2021 13:55

Well non of my men have never driven I can’t anyway so no.

Bythemillpond · 05/03/2021 13:58

I am not obsessed with cars but where we live it is a necessity.
Dh was a driver when we moved here so I didn’t have a problem but now he can’t drive for a while I can feel the irritation building when I have to go out for the umpteenth time to go and pick something or someone up.

Hopefully he will have his last operation later this year and then he can drive again but in the meantime I find it is just another thing to add to the mental load.

I really couldn’t consider anyone who couldn’t drive. Whilst I would understand if they lived in Central London to a certain extent I would still find it strange that they never learned. That they hadn’t even considered that it might open up their horizons or at some point in their life they might need to drive even if it is just hiring a car on holiday or helping someone in an emergency by using their car to get them to a hospital etc.

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