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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be put off dating a man who doesn’t drive

759 replies

TrunkintheJunk · 03/03/2021 18:46

Recently started online dating. Been talking to someone who seems really nice. We’re arranging to go for a walk somewhere next week.
Thing is, he doesn’t drive. He’s 39 but just ‘never got around to learning’.
Am I a dick for being put off by this??

OP posts:

Badyboo · 04/03/2021 16:48

if your spouse drove and owned a car, would you really be the one to say, "No it's okay dear, I'll go get the weekly shop on the buses". or when you're off out for a meal, would you hop in a taxi and meet your spouse there

If DH and I were going out for a meal from our house, of course we'd go by the same route. 90% of the time that would be walking or bus, because we'd both want to have a drink. If DH wanted to drive though, I wouldn't stop him.

And yes, I would/do/can get the weekly shop, although most of the time we get deliveries. I walk there as well, don't even get the bus!

DrSbaitso · 04/03/2021 16:50

Why do you think I would want to dismiss you saying that?

I don't know. I guess because you're worried that if you acknowledge that such people and situations exist, you'll feel no distinction will be made between them and you?

CatRamsey · 04/03/2021 16:56

I would be put off, but that's probably because my ex didn't drive and I ended up driving him and his family everywhere. Sometimes I didn't mind, but it was the expectation that I'd pick them up and take them somewhere without even asking me. There were times they'd expect me to pick up family 40 minutes away in one direction and then take them somewhere half hour in the other direction. Because of this I just think it'd be really nice to be a taken out as a passenger for a change!

This is just my opinion, I don't look down on anyone who doesn't drive, I understand there are many reasons why, and if I did meet someone amazing it wouldn't be a deal breaker, it's just a preference based on previous negative experience .

GoldenOmber · 04/03/2021 16:56

@DrSbaitso

Why do you think I would want to dismiss you saying that?

I don't know. I guess because you're worried that if you acknowledge that such people and situations exist, you'll feel no distinction will be made between them and you?

You think I’m worried now? About what? You really seem very invested in this idea that ‘the non-drivers’ have some kind of agenda that you must rebut. It is a bit weird.

If you are genuinely interested in what I think, then yes, I’ve met people who’ve expected their partners to drive them around all the time. Ex-husband of a friend of mine sold his car, expected her to take him to places in the same way he expected her to clean up after him and cook for him. Spend his paternity leave watching TV and refusing to ‘help’ with the baby. Was an arse.

Another couple, though - he drove, she didn’t. Lived in a very car-dependent place in the middle of nowhere (they moved from a city). She couldn’t get anywhere without him. He was also very controlling in other ways.

I don’t think either situation tells you much about ‘drivers’ or ‘non-drivers’ in general.

Scrumbleton · 04/03/2021 17:01

For some reason not entirely logical it’s off putting- it feels a bit weak not to drive. Maybe because my ex could drive but wouldn’t do so and he WAS a weak man

DrSbaitso · 04/03/2021 17:08

I don’t think either situation tells you much about ‘drivers’ or ‘non-drivers’ in general.

I think they do tell you a bit about the potential pitfalls and what people might be concerned about.

bellinisurge · 04/03/2021 17:13

I said it wouldn't. I ended up driving every-fucking-where we went.
My bil doesnt drive neither does his wife (my sil) . Which is fine because his elderly father ferries him around when he comes to visit.

Rewis · 04/03/2021 17:19

There's a lot of people saying how they can and do use public transport and don't drive because they don't feel they need to. That's fine but being really, truly honest, if your spouse drove and owned a car, would you really be the one to say, "No it's okay dear, I'll go get the weekly shop on the buses". or when you're off out for a meal, would you hop in a taxi and meet your spouse there?

During normal times we get a delivery. My bf drives to work so I do the top up show by cycling or walking to the shop. Sometimes we walk together.

As for going to a meal we walk or take an uber. I don't suggest restaurants that are incovinient to get to, but if he does then we both use the car. And yes, we both use the car to get to cinema instead of me cycling and him taking the car. I'd be happy to take the bus together but if he'd rather drive then we use the car.

I'm happy to drive but I'm not on his insurance and therefore cannot drive his car and having 2 cars would make no sense.

I think people forget how expensive a car is. The parking space alone in my building is £25k and then the car, petrol, insurance etc. I have a terrible 'car fever' but I can't justify that.

phoenixrosehere · 04/03/2021 17:24

That's fine but being really, truly honest, if your spouse drove and owned a car, would you really be the one to say, "No it's okay dear, I'll go get the weekly shop on the buses".

Yes, because it is what I’m used to and the shops for us have always been within walking distance. Plus, when you have a spouse that spent 10 hours out of the house for work five days a week (pre-lockdown) not including client meetings that involved after-work drinks, why would you expect them to also do the food shop when you are more than able to?

muddyford · 04/03/2021 17:32

In the olden days when I learned to drive, 65% of women living in rural areas couldnt drive and I was determined not to be one of them. It depends on your situation but I would want to find out more before dismissing him entirely. I wouldn't want to be the sole driver though.

BashfulClam · 04/03/2021 17:38

Nah as long as he knew you aren’t his free taxi. I can drive but don’t due to DH being an awful passenger and making me stressed. It’s all on him now!

fellrunner85 · 04/03/2021 17:53

Travelling home from my last holiday involved eleven different trains, plus walking between Birmingham Moor Street and New Street, and a sprint down four flights of stairs in Berlin Hauptbahnhof. It was part of the fun

Yeah, but some places to go on holiday- especially cheap places! - are simply inaccessible by public transport. I could easily catch the Eurostar to Paris with my kids, but I couldn't easily go for a cheap week camping in the Lakes or the Dales without a car. It's crackers, really.

If you're a city break type person, then public transport is fine. But if you want to get into the great outdoors it's nigh on impossible, unless you want to stay in the main tourist traps.
I speak from bitter experience after one too many times, pre-kids, waiting for the bus down Borrowdale with a massive backpack...

WhoStoleMyCheese · 04/03/2021 17:58

@phoenixrosehere yes, by level headed people who are being ignored 😂 this thread has turned into a judgement of driving on its own merits

GoldenOmber · 04/03/2021 18:06

I think people forget how expensive a car is. The parking space alone in my building is £25k

bloody hell.

User26272829 · 04/03/2021 18:26

@likeafishneedsabike

I think I would feel like the only adult if he didn’t drive. I don’t want another child to drive around.

This!

randomsabreuse · 04/03/2021 19:28

The major issue for me is that I like outdoors stuff, and much of that is so much better avoiding places accessible by public transport... Obviously I'm not against public transport and do a lot of things on foot in preference to taking the car but having lived in areas that were well and truly Beechingd (20-30 minutes to nearest non steam railway), buses are pretty shit for commuting and going away outside urban areas and especially at weekends! First bus usually gets to bigger town just before 9 and last leaves marginally after 5. Don't necessarily run on Sunday and take approximately 4 times as long as the car journey- I'd prefer to faff around parking.

Where I currently live (suburbs for a big city), post pandemic the bus could well be a viable commuting and night out option but it was utterly useless in various market towns in Shropshire, Devon and Bedfordshire, surprisingly crap around Bristol and spottily useful in Birmingham. However bus is not an option to get to the local A&E or children's A&E in current city from this side (without a couple of changes).

Being tied to bus routes (and reasonable walking distance from them) adds to housing costs, possibly offset by lack of need to run a car but my major objection.

Sosigsandwich · 04/03/2021 19:50

It would absolutely put me off. It's a basic life skill and really shitty if one person is permanently designated driver.

AllMyPrettyOnes · 04/03/2021 19:53

@Ilovegreentomatoes

I don't drive.But going by some comments on here I should be lined up and shot as I'm a useless individual in society. Good job I don't give a shiny shit what others think.

Amen.

Though, it's really not unusual for people on MN to think they're better than others over pathetic reasons, so I should have known this thread would be the same.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/03/2021 19:55

People keep saying "it's a basic life skill" as if it's just like learning to switch on the washing machine or cook a meal. It really isn't a basic life skill for many people.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/03/2021 19:59

Also people saying it's "lazy" not to learn to drive - I bet I do more walking than most drivers do, hardly lazy.

rhowton · 04/03/2021 20:04

I would be very put off by a man who doesn't drive. I also wouldn't want a man who was living at home with his parents.

Sosigsandwich · 04/03/2021 20:17

@Waxonwaxoff0 There's a big difference between the small amount of people unable to drive and those who just don't. Every driver knows that none drivers are a pain in the arse.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/03/2021 20:20

[quote Sosigsandwich]@Waxonwaxoff0 There's a big difference between the small amount of people unable to drive and those who just don't. Every driver knows that none drivers are a pain in the arse.[/quote]
I don't drive and I'm not a pain in the arse, I have no partner so no one to drive me around anyway!

GoldenOmber · 04/03/2021 20:24

[quote Sosigsandwich]@Waxonwaxoff0 There's a big difference between the small amount of people unable to drive and those who just don't. Every driver knows that none drivers are a pain in the arse.[/quote]
How can you tell, exactly? Those of us unable to drive don’t usually have flashing neon signs over our heads explaining why.

I’ve usually found that when people say things like “being unable to drive is really immature and pathetic, it’s a basic life skill, you can’t be independent without it, I would never date a non-driver, it would be so annoying, but I don’t mean people who have medical reasons!” - they actually do mean people who have medical reasons. They see us as helpless and non-independent and in need of being driven everywhere too, they’re just prepared to make an exception because they feel sorry for us in our pathetic non-driver-ness.

CounsellorTroi · 04/03/2021 20:26

The parking space alone in my building is £25k and then the car, petrol, insurance etc. I have a terrible 'car fever' but I can't justify that.

Is that £25k pa for a parking space???

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