To be put off dating a man who doesn’t drive

[TrunkintheJunk]

Recently started online dating. Been talking to someone who seems really nice. We’re arranging to go for a walk somewhere next week.
Thing is, he doesn’t drive. He’s 39 but just ‘never got around to learning’.
Am I a dick for being put off by this??

I don't drive.But going by some comments on here I should be lined up and shot as I'm a useless individual in society.
Good job I don't give a shiny shit what others think.

for plenty of 'the non-drivers' thereisa medical or financial restriction. Would it not make more sense to target your question to people who are in the situation you're curious about

I kind of meant to target it that way by specifically excluding people who didn't drive because of financial or medical restrictions (because that's kind of obvious), and people who are single, and people with partners who really, honestly, truly don't mind being the sole drivers. Although I still think it's advisable to learn if you can, even if at this stage of your life you have a willing driver on hand.

I am aware that lots of people are keen to tell me why they're not included in the question (and that's interesting in itself), but I'm more interested in an actual answer.

Yes it would put me off because I would wonder why. He is scared, no money, lazy etc.

I would meet him though to find out and whether we clicked in other ways.

I met my dh OLD, he can drive but at the time didnt have a car. In the early days, I was a bit miffed that I always had to come to him and had to drive 1 hour back to my hometown and job while he was still in bed because he worked 15 minutes walk away and started later.

I am aware that lots of people are keen to tell me why they're not included in the question (and that's interesting in itself), but I'm more interested in an actual answer.

But you're the one who said it was 'the question for the non-drivers', no? As a thought experiment?

@TrunkintheJunk

He’s been single 5 months. I definitely wouldn’t be moving anyone in to my house as I have DC. He’d always be round at my house. I think it might be a no from me

It's been 5 months of sofa surfing after his last relationship. And he's now online dating? He's not looking for a relationship. He's looking for another woman to take the place of caring for him and providing a place to live and be his chauffeur.

Depends where you live. If you live and work in a city with good transport there isn't necessarily any reason to drive and you need be putting a burden on anyone else. It can be economic and environmentally friendly not to drive. If you are somewhere less public transport/bike friendly then he may be imposing on others, which is not very appealing. It can also be useful to drive when you have kids, but less important when you are single.

My husband couldn't drive when we met. He was early 30s. We lived in Oxford. It really wasn't necessary. He did learn a few years later, though we didn't get a car until we had kids. Bike/train/taxi did fine!

@TrunkintheJunk It's not just the not-driving thing. I would feel that. 39yr old male, recently out of a long term relationship, living with family so not sorted out his own home base, AND never learned to drive, just wasn't mature and at a similar life stage to 39yr olds generally. Wouldn't interest me if I was looking for a potential relationship. Sounds too much lack of ambition/initiative and just goes with the flow - ok when you're 23, but 39?
I was also a late-learner as couldn't afford lessons or a car, then working where I could cycle or use public transport, so got my licence when I was late twenties. It was a massive additional freedom that helped me do lots of really interesting stuff.

The 'works in the construction industry' also - labourer? Or highly skilled/taken advantage of training and improving his job?

I'd be put off too because it's obvious I'd be the one doing all the driving. And I hate driving. At least if he drove it would be 50/50.

Competence is sexy. Being able to drive isn’t a high bar, but for me adults should be able to clear it if they are of sound mind and able body.

I’d be put off too. I would think he’s lazy, immature and skint.

@GoldenOmber

I am aware that lots of people are keen to tell me why they're not included in the question (and that's interesting in itself), but I'm more interested in an actual answer.

But you're the one who said it was 'the question for the non-drivers', no? As a thought experiment?

Yep, and went on to explain that I wasn't thinking of situations involving disability, poverty, etc etc etc. Didn't see much point asking the drivers, tbh, but if they want to answer, cool.

You're offended by the question and I think I know why. You realise that I'm talking about situations in which someone has made the free decision not to learn to drive, even though they could, and even though this has impacted badly upon their partners. These situations exist; we have heard from people who have experience of them, and OP understandably doesn't want to be one of them. The reason you're offended, and dissecting the question rather than answering it, is because you do not like the idea that there ARE situations in which people are being kind of selfish/lazy by not learning to drive. But there are.

I hasten to add that I'm very sure you're not one of them, and nor are many other non drivers. But it can happen, it's not HUGELY uncommon, and OP doesn't really want it to happen to her.

It wouldn't put me off, is has no relevance to his actual character. If he doesn't have a need to drive then why bother. It would only put me off if he expected me to act as his taxi.

I can understand why some people would be put off. But look at the bigger picture. What if he is the nicest, most amazing guy and you are willing to lose that just because he can't drive? At least give him a chance if you like him, and if it is a big problem further down the line then deal with it then. Online dating is hard enough as it is (I've been there) so if you've found someone go for it. I don't drive either because I have severe anxiety over it due to a family member passing in an accident. Yet thankfully my partner is very understanding and doesn't mind. It makes us get the train/taxi/walk when we go out so both of us can drink - there are some positives too!

Yep, and went on to explain that I wasn't thinking of situations involving disability, poverty, etc etc etc.

Well, yes, several posts after asking the question and claiming I was 'offended' by it...

You're offended by the question and I think I know why.

I'm really not offended by the question.

The reason you're offended, and dissecting the question rather than answering it, is because you do not like the idea that there ARE situations in which people are being kind of selfish/lazy by not learning to drive. But there are.

Why would I not like that? In what way do you think I have any sort of solidarity with those people? You really seem to think 'non-driving' is a kind of... character flaw? ideology? camp people identify themselves with? - and therefore I as a non-driver can give you some kind of insight into the other non-drivers out there. But why would you think that? I can't ski either, I don't claim insight into the mindset of other non-ski-ers.

You seem to be back to thinking I should answer your question rather than 'dissect' it, after claiming it wasn't directed at my sort of non-driver in the first place?

@Helpel

People who are commenting that they are single and don't drive and get about just fine, I am sure you do. But in a couple, which is the scenario in question, when one drives and one doesn't, the non-driving person is going to ask the driver for lifts, or use the fact that their partner drives, for convenience. And even if they don't 'ask' the driving partner would have to be a total arsehole and want to inconvenience their whole family to not drive in these circumstances. Family holiday to the cotwolds - 'how shall we get there?' 'oh well I drove us on the last holiday, so this year, we shall all get 2 buses and a train with our suit cases'. Not gonna happen OR Kids need picking up from swimming 'OK, well I picked them up last time, so now its your turn, you can get a taxi for £20 instead'. Not gonna happen. The driver is always responsible. And that is why people who drive often would prefer not to be with someone who has chosen not to drive

Travelling home from my last holiday involved eleven different trains, plus walking between Birmingham Moor Street and New Street, and a sprint down four flights of stairs in Berlin Hauptbahnhof. It was part of the fun. Much better than struggling to stay awake at the wheel when driving for a 4am flight.

I owned a car at the time and used it to get to/from the station. On my return the battery was flat (battery needed replacing and the car had been parked for ten days in January) so I had to call recovery. These days I'd jump on a bus to the station if I had more luggage than I could carry on my bike. The bus runs every 20 minutes from 0600-2300ish so that covers all bar the earliest and latest trains. If I really needed to take a large bag on a very early/late train, I could walk or take a taxi.

Swimming? That isn't difficult, for most of the population buses will do for journeys of more than a few miles. For shorter journeys: "Right kids, get your bags and put your bike helmets on, it's time to leave for swimming".

If I want to see a concert/opera? Plenty on offer in the nearest town (only a couple of miles away) and I often get the train to Liverpool/Manchester/London/Europe. Pubs? There's two in the village, plus plenty of restaurants in nearby towns. Walking/cycling home means that I can have a drink too.

When a relationship/kids come along, I see little need to get a car. I'd be quite content being a no-car family.

I can see why this country has such a problem with obesity. I can also see why the world has such a problem with emissions.

It might be that he couldn't afford to learn and doesn't want to say so. When I learnt a few years ago my lessons were £22 per hour and my instructor would only do 2 hour blocks. £44 per week is not cheap.
If I was looking for a partner on a dating site, I wouldn't rule out someone who might be lovely, if there was just one thing I wasn't sure about.
Actually, even the living with family might be a financial issue. If he had a relationship end, he could have a house on the market waiting to be sold, or be taking his time to decide what to do next and not wanting to make a move until the Covid situation has resolved. There are lots of perfectly valid reasons which might explain his choices.
Now no one has to date anyone if they don't want to but something drew you to him online OP, so it might be worth a quick coffee date to find out more.

@ArcheryAnnie

And I find all this dependence on a car so infantilising. I'd be more put off trying to date anyone who was helpless to get around without their car.

I have a driving license and a car. Turns out, I'm allowed on buses too. Strange. By this thread you would assume car drivers aren't able to use them...

There's a lot of people saying how they can and do use public transport and don't drive because they don't feel they need to. That's fine but being really, truly honest, if your spouse drove and owned a car, would you really be the one to say, "No it's okay dear, I'll go get the weekly shop on the buses". or when you're off out for a meal, would you hop in a taxi and meet your spouse there?

Of course not. The car driver in a relationship would be ferrying a non driver around. It's just a simple fact. It would happen whether you say you'd be happy on a bus or not, unless the spouse fancied doing public transport too, the expectation would be that you get into their car.

If my DH became medically unable to drive then fine, not a problem. But if he just decided he didn't want to then we would have an issue.

@TrunkintheJunk

He doesn’t have his own place either. He’s been living with a family member since his last relationship ended Yes I do drive and the thought of paying petrol, driving everywhere, having to probably pick him up, isn’t really doing it for me. I feel so shallow! Plus, it’s a big turn on for me when a guy is driving(yup, I’m a weirdo!)

Nah not weird. It’s all in the forearms.

@2bazookas

Knowing how to drive is a sign of having shared interests - same mindset, same life goals etc

No it bloody isn't.  Lots of serial killers, football fans, and illiterate   alcoholic sofa slobs  drive cars.</div></div>

Did you actually just put football fans in the same category as serial killers and illiterate slobs?

You really seem to think 'non-driving' is a kind of... character flaw?

Of course not, what rubbish. But I think you want me to because then I would be easier to dismiss when I say that sometimes - sometimes - it is a choice that impacts unfairly on a life partner and not everyone is ok with that.

There's a lot of people saying how they can and do use public transport and don't drive because they don't feel they need to. That's fine but being really, truly honest, if your spouse drove and owned a car, would you really be the one to say, "No it's okay dear, I'll go get the weekly shop on the buses". or when you're off out for a meal, would you hop in a taxi and meet your spouse there?

I've always lived somewhere that I can function perfectly well without a car, and I'd be really uncomfortable asking anyone - spouse included - to ferry me about, and I get the weekly shop delivered anyway so yes I'd probably just carry on doing that. Not everyone would; presumably anyone worth marrying would be putting in their share in other ways, though?

@DrSbaitso

You really seem to think 'non-driving' is a kind of... character flaw?

Of course not, what rubbish. But I think you want me to because then I would be easier to dismiss when I say that sometimes - sometimes - it is a choice that impacts unfairly on a life partner and not everyone is ok with that.

Why do you think I would want to dismiss you saying that?

In my experience, the non-driver perceives ‘taking the car’ to be a simpler solution than the driver and doesn’t factor in the mental load, of parking in particular. I used to get particularly peeved after a day at the wheel when the non-driver would suggest as we arrived in the suburbs of our hometown a quick detour to pick something up before going home. I remember telling that to a friend who had learnt to drive in middle age, and he sheepishly said ‘Yeah, I don’t do that anymore’.

Travelling home from my last holiday involved eleven different trains, plus walking between Birmingham Moor Street and New Street, and a sprint down four flights of stairs in Berlin Hauptbahnhof. It was part of the fun. Much better than struggling to stay awake at the wheel when driving for a 4am flight

I would most definitely prefer a 4am flight!