Page 18 | To be put off dating a man who doesn’t drive

TrunkintheJunk · 2021-03-03T18:46:55+00:00

Recently started online dating. Been talking to someone who seems really nice. We’re arranging to go for a walk somewhere next week. Thing is, he doesn’t drive. He’s 39 but just ‘never got around to learning’. Am I a dick for being put off by this??

SimonJT · 04/03/2021 14:37

@user1497207191

collection from an airport at 4am would be a taxi as airport parking is extremely expensive

Again, a taxi is only cheaper if you live close to an airport, i.e. live in or near a city.

I live approx 75 miles from our nearest international airport. The cost of a taxi is A LOT more than the cost of the airport parking and petrol.

So, we're back to how important it is whether you live in a city or big town with good public transport, local amenities, etc., compared with a town/village scenario with poor infrastructure.

You can easily pay £200 for two weeks airport parking, I was once quote £250 for 12 nights parking!

SimonJT · 04/03/2021 14:40

@MephistophelesApprentice

It's ridiculous to own a car in London. I'm in my 30s, majority of my (accomplished, capable) friends don't have licences and the few who do don't bother with cars. The money saved from parking, fuel, insurance and maintenance can go on taxis on the rare occasions we need such a service.

The whole 'cars as masculine virility' delusion is so pointlessly ugly. It's truly surprising that so many on here fall for the marketing.

I agree, I’m early 30’s and live in zone 1 have a young child, I do have a car, but I very rarely use it, most journeys are hour long trips to keep the battery in order. I haven’t used it for its actual purpose in months, it is a complete money pit but I really like cars.

Financially it would be better to sell it, but its my baby. My motorbike however gets far more use.

WhoStoleMyCheese · 04/03/2021 14:42

People just seem to be going round and round about the merits of driving/non-driving without considering the transport infrastructure.
Nobody’s individual living situations are relevant here - only the OP’s and her potential date.

Redruby2020 · 04/03/2021 14:45

If you don't drive then yes it's a bit off for you to be funny that the other person doesn't drive. But if you drive then I can see your point. Things like this I never thought about for the future, like if we had kids etc. Ended up then with a DC and neither of us driving. Mine is I was never interested, then money an issue. ExP's was that he couldn't do it 🙄 never been sure if there was an actual learning difficulty or more, on his side, but he just couldn't read/have the patience to do it, same with other tests and things, so frustrating.

phoenixrosehere · 04/03/2021 14:47

People just seem to be going round and round about the merits of driving/non-driving without considering the transport infrastructure.

It has been mentioned numerous times that it depends on transport infrastructure and where people live.

lilybetsy · 04/03/2021 14:52

deeply unattractive, but the 'living with a family member since last relationship ended is even more so... move on

DrSbaitso · 04/03/2021 15:00

My STBXH doesn’t drive. It didn’t bother me at the time. However as it meant through the marriage and now with 2 DC that I did / do all the heavy lifting re shopping, transport for kids activities and schooling, and all other trips you need a car for, I do now deeply resent it. I had encouraged him to learn and support him with lessons. He refused. No incentive of course, when I do all the running around. It means with all the other mental load and practical load that I carry, this is one more thing.

It's a big thing.

VintageStitchers · 04/03/2021 15:03

Dump him. Otherwise you’ll end up being the family taxi driver.

My DH doesn’t drive. We lived in a city initially so not a problem. We moved to somewhere very rural, nearest town 7 miles away, and I agreed to the move because DH promised he’d do more of the driving.

He passed his test years ago but isn’t comfortable driving and never made the effort to drive since we moved 8 years ago. Now that his eyesight is iffy, he wouldn’t be safe to drive anyway.

When I had a minor OP incurring an overnight stay, friends arranged to drive me the 90 min car journey to the hospital and collect me the following afternoon. It would have taken about 3 hours by bus as there’s no direct service.

I’m the one who has driven to town to get the weekly shop during this last year. I’m the one who facilitates D.C. after school activities, during non Covid times.

DH is now retired and never leaves the house unless I take him somewhere. I miss never being home alone.

Not being able to or wanting to drive places a huge burden on the driving partner.

DrSbaitso · 04/03/2021 15:11

I suppose the question for the non drivers is: if you were in a situation like some of the ones that have been described here, and your inability to drive was adversely affecting your partner's quality of life, and there was no medical reason that you couldn't learn, and you could afford lessons...what would you do?

GoldenOmber · 04/03/2021 15:17

@DrSbaitso

I suppose the question for the non drivers is: if you were in a situation like some of the ones that have been described here, and your inability to drive was adversely affecting your partner's quality of life, and there was no medical reason that you couldn't learn, and you could afford lessons...what would you do?

So, what would I do if I lived somewhere totally different and had a totally different life arrangement and my partner wasn't happy with it and my disability was miraculously cured? Dunno, really. How did I end up in this hypothetical situation? Was the move out to somewhere without public transport some kind of trade-off for having my disability fixed? Can we add on "and you had money to burn" so I could hire a chauffeur and go around like Lady Penelope?

What would you do if you woke up overnight with some medical condition that made you unable to drive? I imagine you'd rearrange your life a bit to make it manageable, and then you'd get on with things and be fine.

Badyboo · 04/03/2021 15:22

if you were in a situation like some of the ones that have been described here

AFAICT, all of these scenarios involve living in or moving to the countryside. As that's not happening for me, ever, there's no situation to be overcome. I grew up rurally and I know what its like without a car! And what happens to older people when they become unable to drive in the countryside.

LaurieFairyCake · 04/03/2021 15:23

I think of it as a practical life skill

So he'd have to be bloody good at building kitchens, tiling and gardening to make up for it

I can't be doing with people with no practical skills

GoldenOmber · 04/03/2021 15:26

Yes, I think most pertinent to the OP's situation is probably "what would the non-drivers do if their relationship suddenly ended, would they move out to stay with their family in a rural area with poor public transport"? I wouldn't, unless it was very exceptional circumstances and very temporary. This bloke seems to have made a different choice. I would have some concerns about that.

Pugdogmom · 04/03/2021 15:28

My DH couldn't drive when I met him as he didn't have the money to learn when younger. A couple of years into our marriage and a better job and he learned. We were young though. I couldn't be doing with an almost 40 year old that has never learned though and shows no inclination.

DrSbaitso · 04/03/2021 15:29

what would I do if I lived somewhere totally differentandhad a totally different life arrangementandmy partner wasn't happy with itandmy disability was miraculously cured?

Yes. It's a thought experiment, not a personal attack. Inspired by posters who have been made very unhappy by a partner who can learn to drive and refuses.

You don't have to answer if it offends you to do so, or perhaps you prefer the question "what do you think the partners of the previous posters who have been made unhappy by this should do?"

What would you do if you woke up overnight with some medical condition that made you unable to drive?

Have a different life with a lot of my options removed, as would my husband.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/03/2021 15:33

@DrSbaitso

I suppose the question for the non drivers is: if you were in a situation like some of the ones that have been described here, and your inability to drive was adversely affecting your partner's quality of life, and there was no medical reason that you couldn't learn, and you could afford lessons...what would you do?

Well, I'm single and a non driver. I'll never put myself in a situation where I'd need to drive.

notdaddycool · 04/03/2021 15:33

not undreasonable, but don't turn into a taxi service

GoldenOmber · 04/03/2021 15:35

You don't have to answer if it offends you to do so, or perhaps you prefer the question "what do you think the partners of the previous posters who have been made unhappy by this should do?"

It doesn't offend me, I'm just not sure what you're hoping to get from it as a question 'for the non-drivers'. What is it you're looking to determine about 'the non-drivers' that this will tell you?

What do I think the partners of the previous posters should do is a separate question. In general, I'd say you shouldn't get into a situation where you can't get yourself around independently and are relying on your partner to drive you to places, and that goes whether or not your partner is happy to do this.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/03/2021 15:35

And I'd question why, if driving is so important to some people, they would choose to marry someone who can't drive.

DrSbaitso · 04/03/2021 15:38

I'm just not sure what you're hoping to get from it as a question 'for the non-drivers'.

A clarification on the motivation for not driving when there's no medical or financial restriction, and it's making the driving partner unhappy. As is the case with several people who have posted here.

Morgoth · 04/03/2021 15:40

Surely the issue isn’t that the partner can’t or won’t or doesn’t want to drive but if the non-driving partner is insistent on the driving partner driving them everywhere and completely gives up their independent ways and expects to be ferried around at the partners time and expense.

I can’t see how the driving partners life would be effected significantly if their partner didn’t drive but never relied on them to take them anywhere.

And events like “driving holidays” or “countryside trips” wouldn’t be a daily or regular occurrence and both parties would be attending. I think when you have kids though, it helps that both parties can drive because the car will be needed a lot more.

Also the non-driving partner may bring many things to the driving partners life to improve their quality of life or their relationship that has nothing to do with driving- more money into the household, more help, great intimacy. Surely no relationship has equity. It’s rare that a couple will bring exactly the same things and skills to the relationship.

No person should be taking advantage of the other person in a relationship and lessening their quality of life but that’s not unique to driving.

GoldenOmber · 04/03/2021 15:41

@DrSbaitso

I'm just not sure what you're hoping to get from it as a question 'for the non-drivers'.

A clarification on the motivation for not driving when there's no medical or financial restriction, and it's making the driving partner unhappy. As is the case with several people who have posted here.

But for plenty of 'the non-drivers' there is a medical or financial restriction. Would it not make more sense to target your question to people who are in the situation you're curious about, rather than assuming 'non-drivers' are a specific type of person whose motivations you can determine by saying "ah but if you were in this totally different situation with a different partner then what would you do?"

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/03/2021 15:43

@DrSbaitso

I'm just not sure what you're hoping to get from it as a question 'for the non-drivers'.

A clarification on the motivation for not driving when there's no medical or financial restriction, and it's making the driving partner unhappy. As is the case with several people who have posted here.

I'm single but I would make it absolutely clear to any potential partners that I can't drive and have no intention of learning. If they don't want a relationship with me because of that, it's fine. If they choose to have a relationship with me anyway and then one day suddenly start getting irritated with me because I can't drive, tough. You know what you're getting into.

Badyboo · 04/03/2021 15:46

on the motivation for not driving when there's no medical or financial restriction, and it's making the driving partner unhappy.

I can't speak to the second part because if DH isn't happy he doesn't say it or show it. But I don't want to drive. I hate the environmental effects, I didn't like it in the lessons I took(at my parents request), I don't enjoy being in a car, and its never held me back from doing things I like or need to do.

Badyboo · 04/03/2021 15:47

Also, I'd have no problem if DH said he was getting rid of his car, that's entirely up to him.