To be put off dating a man who doesn’t drive

[TrunkintheJunk]

Recently started online dating. Been talking to someone who seems really nice. We’re arranging to go for a walk somewhere next week.
Thing is, he doesn’t drive. He’s 39 but just ‘never got around to learning’.
Am I a dick for being put off by this??

He works in the construction trade so I’d assume a car of some kind would be quite important to get to jobs. He probably gets picked up and dropped off every day. I’ve definitely talked myself out of this one

@TangerineGenie

The argument that paying to use a taxi is somehow relying on car drivers is nonsense. I rely weekly on HGV drivers delivering food to Tesco, I don't have a HGV licence, I'm so helpless

You also rely on the airline pilots and shops captains who brought you all that rice, tropical fruit, out of season veg. Frankly, if you can't fly a plane or pilot a ship you're not a real woman. Apparently.

As for you wimps who need a doctor/midwife to deliver your babies,  words fail.   I just hope  you built your own wigwams to live in.

I couldn't be with a 39 year old who didn't drive. It would completely put me off. It's an important life skill imo. And the reason being because he 'just never got around to it' would put me off even more. At least admit to being too nervous or whatever. (which would also turn me off tbh).
Even if you live in a city with good transport links, you are really limiting yourself. You couldn't hire a car on holidays, travelling to visit family or friends in a rural location could be a costly and logistical nightmare. Even as pp's have said, getting the weekly shopping. I have a friend who's a sahm who doesn't drive. So many decisions with the kids have been made due to her inability to drive. From the school they go to to meeting up with friends. There was no throwing the kids in the car and heading off to the beach for the day if the sun came out. Nothing spontaneous planned unless it was within walking distance. Everything depended on bus timetables, how much beach/picnic stuff you could carry. I know that isn't relevant to you! Sorry!
In answer to your question, YANBU. You would always be the driver which would annoy the hell out of me! The fact that he's 39 with no home of his own would raise more questions though. And that combined with not being able to drive would mean a no from me.

It is not just partner passengers: it includes food shopping, medical appointments, play dates, collection from airports at 4am and all sorts of other things.

Food shop is done online, medical appointments are usually walked to, if its too far I get the bus or if I’m feeling flash a taxi, a play date would be walked to, collection from an airport at 4am would be a taxi as airport parking is extremely expensive. I can drive, I own a car.

Yanbu. It would put me off and I don’t drive.

17 pages about an op being judgy about someone who doesn’t drive
When I was dating I was more worried about the guy being nice, thoughtful etc not if he could be a bloody chauffeur for me, this and the cow who didn’t want to date a short man. These men are better off without people who judge them on shit like this.

I didn't drive until I was 34, passed my test at 18, just couldn't afford one.
I only have one now as I'm disabled and have a motability car.
My Dd is 19, her Bf is 20 and neither of them have a license, they can't currently afford it but they live in Glasgow and get around on public transport plus the odd uber.

Definitely a turn off!

When I was dating I was more worried about the guy being nice, thoughtful etc

Well, you could argue that not refusing to learn to drive when you're capable of it is indeed being nice and thoughtful, because it means you can share the driving load, take turns drinking etc.

If you don't see it that way, though, try to remember that it's not a straight up choice between arseholes and non drivers.

It's ridiculous to own a car in London. I'm in my 30s, majority of my (accomplished, capable) friends don't have licences and the few who do don't bother with cars. The money saved from parking, fuel, insurance and maintenance can go on taxis on the rare occasions we need such a service.

The whole 'cars as masculine virility' delusion is so pointlessly ugly. It's truly surprising that so many on here fall for the marketing.

collection from an airport at 4am would be a taxi as airport parking is extremely expensive

Again, a taxi is only cheaper if you live close to an airport, i.e. live in or near a city.

I live approx 75 miles from our nearest international airport. The cost of a taxi is A LOT more than the cost of the airport parking and petrol.

So, we're back to how important it is whether you live in a city or big town with good public transport, local amenities, etc., compared with a town/village scenario with poor infrastructure.

@ladywithnomanors

Yanbu. It would put me off and I don’t drive.

How does that work? Do you assume you are also indateable because of your inherent inferiority?

People who don’t drive or choose not to drive have altered their lifestyle to make this work for them. They know it will be difficult for them if they live somewhere remote so they normally pick locations to live that are friendly for non-drivers.

If their supermarket is far away, then they probably get an online home delivery (as do millions and millions of people whether they have a car or not), they might have registered at a doctors surgery within walking distance, they might live near the gym, their hairdresser, the town centre, easy access to their family if they need/want to see them regularly. They might not have or want kids so don’t feel the need to drive. Public transport links might be great. Also millions of people go on all sorts of family or non-family holidays that require zero car hire. Holidays and airport trips aren’t really every day occurrences. People pay for the taxi at the airport to get home for the luxury of convenience in the early hours or if they are lugging a big suitcase (but drivers book taxis too as don’t want to pay for long-term parking). If taxis didn’t exist, they’d just deal with getting a shuttle train or bus back into town and deal with it from there or book return flights home that land at sociable hours. Why would you need to own a car if you only need a car to get to a concert or the airport twice a year? You’d just pay for a taxi. Driving is an incredibly handy skill but you can navigate your life around it. I agree, it becomes more essential when you have kids. I’ve never missed having a car.

They don't tend to do it in a context of pretending that driving isn't crucial to many areas of modern life, and that they never benefit from anyone doing it.

Who is saying that it isn’t though? Most non-drivers are saying it depends on where you are and that those who have great public transport and shops near them are less likely to need a car or benefit from having one compared to someone who is rural or semi-rural with little to no frequent public transport and shops near them.

Are there benefits to driving? Yes

Is driving always a benefit? No.

Does it benefit everyone? No.

My bus to work is a few blocks from my home and I stay on it for 20 min and walk 2 minutes to my job. The same bus drops me off 6 minutes from my oldest’s school on the way back. The walk home from said school is 7 minutes.

In what way would a car benefit me? There is little to no parking near my job so I would have to leave home early in hopes of getting a spot or park at the train station that is a 4 min bus ride away. I also do the school run which with a car means fighting for a parking spot, or park at home and walk down to collect him. Even going to Central London it is better to take the train than to try to drive.

Why is it so hard to believe that many non-drivers can function in society without a car or without asking for their partners or family members to drive them places?

My own husband didn’t get his first car until he was 35 and that was because it came with the job.

Even if something were to stop my husband from driving, we would still be able to manage because we made the choice to live in a place that has the infrastructure around us not to need one. Saying that, I do realise that not everyone has that choice or options available to them.

It's ridiculous to own a car in London. I'm in my 30s, majority of my (accomplished, capable) friends don't have licences and the few who do don't bother with cars.

See I'm in zone 2, mid-30s, young families, most friends at the same sort of life stage - and every family has a car. Even if in practice it's a nice-to-have. In my area I think the relative ease of parking has increased car ownership. I'm not sure it's so clear-cut.

Has he lost his licence? Very difficult in the construction industry without a car. How does he get his gear from A to B?

I think driving is a basic life skill, like being able to use a computer, and if someone has never learned I wonder about them.

I lived in London for years and didn't own a car but often used to hire one for holidays and weekends in out-of-the-way places. In my experience people who don't drive just don't do as much, go to so many places or have such a varied weekend life as those who do. Unless, of course, they are always being driven by friends or partners, which becomes a bit of an issue in itself. Stuff like dependency and lack of curiosity would bother me.

@ladywithnomanors

Yanbu. It would put me off and I don’t drive.

You feel entitled to a partner who drives even though you don't?

My STBXH doesn’t drive. It didn’t bother me at the time. However as it meant through the marriage and now with 2 DC that I did / do all the heavy lifting re shopping, transport for kids activities and schooling, and all other trips you need a car for, I do now deeply resent it. I had encouraged him to learn and support him with lessons. He refused. No incentive of course, when I do all the running around. It means with all the other mental load and practical load that I carry, this is one more thing.

Perhaps the only exception I would make is if there is a medical reason prohibiting it, ie, I have a friend with epilepsy who keeps having episodes and thus he’s not permitted to drive. And he’s quite the catch. But this doesn’t in your case appear to be the reason.

So yes, I get your reluctance. And so, I think YANBU

@Shedbuilder

Has he lost his licence? Very difficult in the construction industry without a car. How does he get his gear from A to B?

I think driving is a basic life skill, like being able to use a computer, and if someone has never learned I wonder about them.

I lived in London for years and didn't own a car but often used to hire one for holidays and weekends in out-of-the-way places. In my experience people who don't drive just don't do as much, go to so many places or have such a varied weekend life as those who do. Unless, of course, they are always being driven by friends or partners, which becomes a bit of an issue in itself. Stuff like dependency and lack of curiosity would bother me.

If he's a labour/subbie on sites, then they're often picked up en-route.

Who is saying that it isn’t though?

A couple of posters, a little way back. Basically denigrating the act of driving and those who do it, how rubbish and bad and unnecessary it is, right before saying that they just used taxis anyway. Er...

Obviously this has been twisted by angry, defensive non drivers to suggest that I've got an issue with paying for services and not being possessed of every single skill in the modern world. I haven't, obviously. I've just got a mild objection to someome saying that Skill X is unimportant and bad, and anyway they pay people to do it for them. The denigration and trivialisation is the issue, not the fact you don't do it. Driving matters. Someone has to do it for you at some point. Oh, and no, I don't believe anyone who says their partner drives, they don't, but their partner's driving has never, ever facilitated their life in any way and never will and nor would they ever expect it to.

I think the point is clear to anyone who hasn't got a reason not to see it and I'm not going to spend the rest of the day repeating it. Come at me. I'll just get in my car and drive away.

It wouldn’t put me off as long as he was independent about - ie he was pro-active in getting places himself. So it’s fine he doesn’t drive as long as his reason is genuine, he’s not a scrounger (he pays for others’ petrol) and he’s an adult about it.

I do know one man in his 30s who doesn’t drive, but the problem there isn’t his not driving. He’s kind of immature and not very independent. The not-driving is part of that in his case, but others might not drive for better reasons.

So it’s not a problem unless there are other issues connected with it.

I’m perplexed at this idea that because non-drivers might use taxis every now and again to get to the airport or whatnot that it makes them a hypocrite for saying they have no need to drive. They’re paying for a service once in a while they don’t have the skill for because it’s a more convenient for them at that moment in time to take a taxi than use public transport. Nobody is arguing that driving isn’t convenience.

They don’t drive because the convenience of having a car or possessing the skill of driving is not a good return on investment for their lifestyle or disposable income. If you live in the middle of a town or city, have no kids and great public transport links, why would you spend thousands on having and keeping a car each year when you only use taxis rarely? If they had to use a taxi every day then they probably would learn to drive as it’s more cost effective and a better return on investment. Learning to drive and owning a car is an expensive investment. Young people are more likely these days to put a couple of grand they have saved up toward a house deposit than learning to drive. Driving license ownership is actually declining rapidly. There’s been a 30% decrease in a decade of young people wanting to drive.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/07/10/record-decline-teenagers-learning-drive-figures-show/amp/

Neither DH or I could drive when we first got together at 22. I passed my test at 25 but didn't get a car until I was 28. DH does not drive and doesn't intend to.

To be honest, being the driver doesn't bother me. The only time I hate it is during the Christmas period when he has to start work at 6am (postman) and there is no public transport available at that time so I have to drive him in at the crack of dawn in the cold and dark. I may have snapped last winter that he was getting driving lessons for Christmas but day to day, I don't mind. He is perfectly happy to take public transport and only asks for a "recreational" lift once in a blue moon.

I’m perplexed at this idea that because non-drivers might use taxis every now and again to get to the airport or whatnot that it makes them a hypocrite for saying they have no need to drive. They’re paying for a service once in a while they don’t have the skill for because it’s a more convenient for them at that moment in time to take a taxi than use public transport.

I drive but I take a taxi to the airport because it's a £40 round trip but petrol money plus parking for a week is way more than that. Taking public transport to the airport involves a ten minute train journey then a 20 minute bus ride (plus all the waiting around on platforms/walking to the bus stop/waiting for the bus), and it costs about the same as the 15 minute taxi trip.

If I didn't drive, I would not stoop to that level of martyrdom just to avoid being called a hypocrite

@amusedbush

I’m perplexed at this idea that because non-drivers might use taxis every now and again to get to the airport or whatnot that it makes them a hypocrite for saying they have no need to drive. They’re paying for a service once in a while they don’t have the skill for because it’s a more convenient for them at that moment in time to take a taxi than use public transport.

I drive but I take a taxi to the airport because it's a £40 round trip but petrol money plus parking for a week is way more than that. Taking public transport to the airport involves a ten minute train journey then a 20 minute bus ride (plus all the waiting around on platforms/walking to the bus stop/waiting for the bus), and it costs about the same as the 15 minute taxi trip.

If I didn't drive, I would not stoop to that level of martyrdom just to avoid being called a hypocrite

Exactly! Just like you said, plenty of drivers choose to take a taxi to the airport because it’s more convenient cost-wise and time-wise than taking their own car and parking. Just like loads of drivers use taxis on nights out. It’s for the convenience at that particular moment or so you can drink, it’s not a regular enough or everyday occurrence that would justify to so many people the need to learn to drive or own a car.