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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off dating a man who doesn’t drive

759 replies

TrunkintheJunk · 03/03/2021 18:46

Recently started online dating. Been talking to someone who seems really nice. We’re arranging to go for a walk somewhere next week.
Thing is, he doesn’t drive. He’s 39 but just ‘never got around to learning’.
Am I a dick for being put off by this??

OP posts:
Morgoth · 04/03/2021 12:40

I read an article that the average age for people to get their driving license now is something like 29. It was 26 a few years ago. It’s increasing every year. Just like the age of first time buyers. In a few years, the average age will be early 30s. Lots of people simply can’t afford it and with money being so tight and so many making so little, money goes on other priorities. It’s increasingly common to date people who don’t have their license.

Unless you live somewhere really remote or go places lots that you need a car for, having a car is just not worth it to some people, even if they do drive. If you only need to use a car sporadically once a fortnight or so, it’s not worth the upkeep of paying for one and having one when you could just get public transport.

Also agree with PP’s. In real life, nobody cares whether people can drive or not as much as they do on mumsnet. I’ve definitely never known any non-drivers who “expect to be chauffeured around”. Most are perfectly capable of dealing with public transport just like they’ve done all their lives. And some relationships might be fine with one person doing the driving. Not all relationships are tit-for-tat. The non-driver might be the higher earner, or do the housework.

Shockingly, some people also don’t mind driving a partner they love and care about and like to places they want to go to occasionally. Nobody likes a someone who takes obscene advantage but I couldn’t imagine begrudging or resenting a partner that I dropped off to football practice or the shopping centre a couple of times a month. Even if they were willing to take public transport, I still might want to help them out by giving them a lift. Just like parents do for their kids.

minmooch · 04/03/2021 12:43

Unless there's a medical reason for him not able to drive I'd be put off.

The fact he doesn't have his own place at 39 would also be a no from me.

TangerineGenie · 04/03/2021 12:44

I used to work away from home 5 days a week. Shockingly my non-driving husband managed to do the shopping, get to work, get to medical appointments all, go to hobbies, go on works nights out all without my involvement.

We've also been on holidays where we've walked the GR11 and biked the entire Danish section of the North Sea Cycle route, no driving required from either of us. (For full disclosure a pilot and ferry captain were required)

2bazookas · 04/03/2021 12:45

Knowing how to drive is a sign of having shared interests - same mindset, same life goals etc

No it bloody isn't.  Lots of serial killers, football fans, and illiterate   alcoholic sofa slobs  drive cars.
DrSbaitso · 04/03/2021 12:45

I don't mind helping out non drivers. It took me a while to pass my test and I was grateful to people who helped me. I'm not going to leave a friend going home alone in the dark or shivering in a bus shelter, or a family member navigating a foreign country after a long haul flight, when I can drive them. Those are some of the reasons I was so determined to learn.

But when it comes to life partnership, especially with a family, I'm extremely put off by someone who chooses to make me do all this alone when it's not necessary. I don't mind admitting that I'm attracted to capable men who can do stuff, and I would find it hard to see a 39 year old non driving man in this light.

We've had gay people on this thread saying they don't like having the sole responsibility for driving too. It isn't necessarily gendered.

TangerineGenie · 04/03/2021 12:48

The non-driver might be the higher earner, or do the housework.

I'm the driver and the higher earner, better start making him do all the housework!

2bazookas · 04/03/2021 12:49

@Skyla2005

It would be a no from me. Not very manly is it having to drive him around like a child
I was hoping that "my car is my penis" outlook was dying out.
WhoStoleMyCheese · 04/03/2021 12:50

@Ilovegreentomatoes tbh people shouldn’t be judging other people’s driving choices that don’t affect them personally. If it’s a friend(whose plans affect yours) or partner then yes, but otherwise it’s judgment for judgement’s sake.
Obviously the long term solution is better public transport but it seems like a pipe dream. If I moved back to a city I’d happily take public transport.

2bazookas · 04/03/2021 12:58

@katy1213

It's a bit emasculating, isn't it? But I'd more put off that at 39 he doesn't have a home of his own. Sounds like you'll be the answer to his prayers!
Maybe he just spent 20 years at sea, serving in the Navy or chartering his luxury yacht. 
   I'd hate to date anyone lacking in imagination, totally  hidebound  and blinkered.
phoenixrosehere · 04/03/2021 13:02

Taxis require drivers too, incidentally. Someone is having to drive...

And people who drive also use taxis to get to airports..

Helpel · 04/03/2021 13:04

People who are commenting that they are single and don't drive and get about just fine, I am sure you do.
But in a couple, which is the scenario in question, when one drives and one doesn't, the non-driving person is going to ask the driver for lifts, or use the fact that their partner drives, for convenience. And even if they don't 'ask' the driving partner would have to be a total arsehole and want to inconvenience their whole family to not drive in these circumstances.
Family holiday to the cotwolds - 'how shall we get there?' 'oh well I drove us on the last holiday, so this year, we shall all get 2 buses and a train with our suit cases'. Not gonna happen OR
Kids need picking up from swimming 'OK, well I picked them up last time, so now its your turn, you can get a taxi for £20 instead'. Not gonna happen.
The driver is always responsible. And that is why people who drive often would prefer not to be with someone who has chosen not to drive

DrSbaitso · 04/03/2021 13:05

@phoenixrosehere

Taxis require drivers too, incidentally. Someone is having to drive...

And people who drive also use taxis to get to airports..

They don't tend to do it in a context of pretending that driving isn't crucial to many areas of modern life, and that they never benefit from anyone doing it.
RaisinforBeing · 04/03/2021 13:07

I dated someone like that once. This wasn’t the only unusual thing about him. It didn’t last long.

TangerineGenie · 04/03/2021 13:09

But in a couple, which is the scenario in question, when one drives and one doesn't, the non-driving person is going to ask the driver for lifts

Nope, I very rarely give my husband lifts. Yes, I sometimes drive on holiday, but that would be the case if I was single also. I might not be able to offload any driving onto a partner but I don't do any extra either.

I once had to take my partner to A&E as he split his head open, but him being able to drive would have made no difference to that scenario

2bazookas · 04/03/2021 13:09

@DrSbaitso

This is nonsense. People who don't drive don't go everywhere by donkey and cart. We take public transport, trains, cycle, walk, and get a taxi or hire a person-with-a-van if we want to move heavy furniture.

The point was a number of non drivers attempting to make out that driving isn't important and makes no difference to their lives - or even that it makes someone helpless and infantilised to be able to do it - and then in the next breath telling us how readily they will pay someone to do it for them when they need it.

Is it helpless or infantile to book a plane, hire a cleaner, locksmith, lawyer as and when you require their skills and services?

I'm such a big baby I pay a dentist so I don't have to drill and fill my own teeth.

likeafishneedsabike · 04/03/2021 13:11

I think I would feel like the only adult if he didn’t drive. I don’t want another child to drive around.

phoenixrosehere · 04/03/2021 13:12

*But the driving person isn't obliged always to drive everywhere.

It's just as I said above - some people who drive don't seem to be able to navigate the world without their car. (Some people can - it isn't inevitable.)*

This. My husband is the driver and he could easily drive to our nearest Tesco’s but chooses to walk the 12 minutes it takes to get there.

I used to work away from home 5 days a week. Shockingly my non-driving husband managed to do the shopping, get to work, get to medical appointments all, go to hobbies, go on works nights out all without my involvement.

Yep. My husband would work 5 days a week, gone about 10 hours a day and go on week long business trips overseas yet I somehow managed to do everything and go to work with two children under 5.

Planty13 · 04/03/2021 13:13

It would be a turn off for me and show a lack of independence. Having to rely on others/services to travel isn’t ideal.

TangerineGenie · 04/03/2021 13:13

The argument that paying to use a taxi is somehow relying on car drivers is nonsense. I rely weekly on HGV drivers delivering food to Tesco, I don't have a HGV licence, I'm so helpless

StarCourt · 04/03/2021 13:14

I wouldn't meet him. It's on my dating profile that I'm not interested if they don't drive. Mind you I fairly regularly receive messages from ranty men having a go at me about it. They all seem to assume I don't drive so need a man to take me to Tesco. Hmm

StarCourt · 04/03/2021 13:15

Also men that have kids but only ride a motorbike

2bazookas · 04/03/2021 13:16

If they live long enough, almost all drivers will eventually have to give it up for age /medical reasons.

It's tragic to read how utterly helpless and incapable most of them would be .
DrSbaitso · 04/03/2021 13:17

Is it helpless or infantile to book a plane, hire a cleaner, locksmith, lawyer as and when you require their skills and services?

Pretty sure I never used those words, but anyway. We've been through this. You even quoted it. The point is that there is a certain kind of non driver who insists driving isn't important, it's bad for the environment, they don't need anyone to do it for them, in fact you are the helpless and useless one for being able to operate a car...and then tells us how they pay people to do it for them when they require it.

But of course never ever benefits from their life partner's driving skills either. No overlap, oh no.

Maverickess · 04/03/2021 13:17

@DrSbaitso

Do you think someone who calls an electrician when they have an electrical fault is lacking in some fundamental human characteristic?

No, but I'd think they were an idiot if they insisted that electricity wasn't a normal modern life requirement and they could get by absolutely fine without it, and never ever had to call upon someone else to make it happen.

It is a modern life requirement, as is electricity. I pay someone to deal with my electricity because I can't do it safely. I've never even tried to become an electrician. I pay someone to drive because I can't do it safely (judged by qualified professionals whose job it is to make that decision, more than once) I have tried to learn to drive. I haven't been successful. Why no judgement at all on the first situation, yet so much negative judgement on the second?

As another pp said, I'm no more a hypocrite for using a taxi than I am for using an electrician (or someone to fix my boiler) except in the minds of people who cannot accept that you can live without personally driving, by paying someone else for the service of them driving. Not by scrounging lifts or dropping out of society, but by using a paid service for the very reason it was created.

But then these threads always end up the same way, some drivers see themselves as 'better' than non drivers, so therefore any alternative viewpoint of how you can live, take responsibility and generally just get on with life is denied and refuted automatically.
Do you consider people who decide they want to go out and have a drink, and then get a taxi home hypocrites? Because they've made themselves unable to drive in that instance on purpose? If saying that you're a hypocrite for using a taxi when you can't drive, then surely the above falls into that too?

DrSbaitso · 04/03/2021 13:19

@2bazookas

If they live long enough, almost all drivers will eventually have to give it up for age /medical reasons. 
It's tragic to read how utterly helpless and incapable most of them would be .</div></div>

Isolation and loneliness in older and disabled people is most definitely a problem. Hopefully they will know people with the necessary driving skills who can help them. Yay for drivers.