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Original poster

To be put off dating a man who doesn’t drive

759 replies

TrunkintheJunk · 03/03/2021 18:46

Recently started online dating. Been talking to someone who seems really nice. We’re arranging to go for a walk somewhere next week.
Thing is, he doesn’t drive. He’s 39 but just ‘never got around to learning’.
Am I a dick for being put off by this??

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 04/03/2021 12:02

@DrSbaitso

Do you think someone who calls an electrician when they have an electrical fault is lacking in some fundamental human characteristic?

No, but I'd think they were an idiot if they insisted that electricity wasn't a normal modern life requirement and they could get by absolutely fine without it, and never ever had to call upon someone else to make it happen.

This is nonsense. People who don't drive don't go everywhere by donkey and cart. We take public transport, trains, cycle, walk, and get a taxi or hire a person-with-a-van if we want to move heavy furniture.

As I said, I find it infantilising and unattractive when someone is totally helpless without their own personal private vehicle. It's like they can't navigate the world without one.

user1497207191 · 04/03/2021 12:08

@SecretThermalsAreTheBest

Depends where he's from... many of my friends who grew up and still live in London don't drive because the public transport is good enough and usually the faster/more environmentally friendly option. Would not be put off if a Londoner/in another big city. Would be put off if in a rural place with few public transport connections.
Which is the main point I think. Not a driver in London is very different from not being a driver in a regional town or village.

My first serious boyfriend didn't drive. It was a pain. When he came to mine for the evening, he had to leave at 10pm to catch the last bus home. He couldn't come round under his own steam anytime on a Sunday because there were no Sunday buses at all on his route. So, for later evenings and weekends it was me who had to take him home or drive to his house, meaning I couldn't drink. At first I didn't mind, but as the weeks passed, it really started to annoy me. More so that he never offered any money for petrol, parking, etc when we went out in my car. I dumped him in the end over it.

DrSbaitso · 04/03/2021 12:08

This is nonsense. People who don't drive don't go everywhere by donkey and cart. We take public transport, trains, cycle, walk, and get a taxi or hire a person-with-a-van if we want to move heavy furniture.

The point was a number of non drivers attempting to make out that driving isn't important and makes no difference to their lives - or even that it makes someone helpless and infantilised to be able to do it - and then in the next breath telling us how readily they will pay someone to do it for them when they need it.

user1497207191 · 04/03/2021 12:10

This is nonsense. People who don't drive don't go everywhere by donkey and cart. We take public transport, trains, cycle, walk, and get a taxi or hire a person-with-a-van if we want to move heavy furniture.
As I said, I find it infantilising and unattractive when someone is totally helpless without their own personal private vehicle. It's like they can't navigate the world without one.

A household with no car/driver at all is VERY different to a household where all the burden is put onto one person.

If I didn't drive, I'd have been happy with a non driving partner, as we'd both live a "no car" life, i.e. live/work on bus routes, enjoy non driving hobbies, holidays, etc.

But when one person drives and the other doesn't, you end up with a "driving" lifestyle where the burden is one person only.

IntermittentParps · 04/03/2021 12:10

I'd steer clear of anyone who wasn't mainstream in a way that makes them drop out of society in certain ways.

I don't drive and I don't think I've dropped out of society Hmm

DrSbaitso · 04/03/2021 12:14

@user1497207191

*This is nonsense. People who don't drive don't go everywhere by donkey and cart. We take public transport, trains, cycle, walk, and get a taxi or hire a person-with-a-van if we want to move heavy furniture. As I said, I find it infantilising and unattractive when someone is totally helpless without their own personal private vehicle. It's like they can't navigate the world without one.*

A household with no car/driver at all is VERY different to a household where all the burden is put onto one person.

If I didn't drive, I'd have been happy with a non driving partner, as we'd both live a "no car" life, i.e. live/work on bus routes, enjoy non driving hobbies, holidays, etc.

But when one person drives and the other doesn't, you end up with a "driving" lifestyle where the burden is one person only.

Well put.

There is, of course, the insistence by some people that their partner driving makes not one iota of difference to their lives and they have never benefited nor ever expect to benefit from it. Uh huh.

user1497207191 · 04/03/2021 12:14

@IntermittentParps

I'd steer clear of anyone who wasn't mainstream in a way that makes them drop out of society in certain ways.

I don't drive and I don't think I've dropped out of society Hmm

Again, that depends on location. If you lived in a small town or village with useless public transport and no local amenities, then it would probably mean you had dropped out of society in that locality!
Skyla2005 · 04/03/2021 12:15

It would be a no from me. Not very manly is it having to drive him around like a child

Cam77 · 04/03/2021 12:17

@DrSbaitso
Taxis require drivers too, incidentally. Someone is having to drive...

What a bizzarre comment. So by that logic we should all be pilots if we ever want to go abroad, as somebody needs to know how to fly the plane. What about being capable of fixing a phone? After all somebody needs to know how to do it. Like listening to music? I hope you can play the guitar and piano.

user1497207191 · 04/03/2021 12:20

There is, of course, the insistence by some people that their partner driving makes not one iota of difference to their lives and they have never benefited nor ever expect to benefit from it.

They'll certainly feel it when their partner leaves them, becomes too ill to drive, or dies and they have to adapt to a lifestyle without a chauffeur.

My mother in law has found that out the hard way. She never drove, never even tried to. She married young (19) and relied on FIL to drive her around. She had a succession of low paid part time unskilled jobs close to home so she could walk to work. They always lived in places where there were shops she could walk to. FIL died suddenly in his early 60s. She's now absolutely stuffed. The local shops have all closed down (due to supermarkets and retail parks etc which are too far away to walk), local public transport is crap. She's little more than a prisoner in her own home. Needs to take taxis to go shopping and even GP appointments, taxis to pick up prescriptions. She's only in her 60s but leading an 80 year old lifestyle, all because she couldn't be bothered to learn to drive and always assumed her husband would be there to ferry her around.

Ilovegreentomatoes · 04/03/2021 12:23

No wonder we have such a weight problem in the uk.Everyone obsessed with driving everywhere.Only on mumsnet have I seen such venom for non car drivers.
In real life most ppl don't care.

ArcheryAnnie · 04/03/2021 12:23

@DrSbaitso

This is nonsense. People who don't drive don't go everywhere by donkey and cart. We take public transport, trains, cycle, walk, and get a taxi or hire a person-with-a-van if we want to move heavy furniture.

The point was a number of non drivers attempting to make out that driving isn't important and makes no difference to their lives - or even that it makes someone helpless and infantilised to be able to do it - and then in the next breath telling us how readily they will pay someone to do it for them when they need it.

No, it was in response to someone making an analogy with electricity.

I mean, I can't fix a boiler, and I am legally not allowed to try, because I don't have the relevant training and qualifications. it does not make me a raging hypocrite to hire someone to fix the boiler on my behalf.

I am fine with other people driving, just as I am fine with other people being qualified boiler engineers. But to claim that the inability to drive or fix a boiler makes one "unattractive" is just weird.

The OP is not obliged to find anyone attractive, and nobody is obliged to date non-drivers or anyone else if they don't want to, but just as the OP can state she finds non-drivers unattractive, I am equally empowered to find people unattractive who faint at the idea of getting on a train or a bus, and who would rather jump into their personal 2-ton armoured bubble than take a short walk.

Ilovegreentomatoes · 04/03/2021 12:24

@user1497207191 you seem almost hateful towards your mil.

ArcheryAnnie · 04/03/2021 12:26

@user1497207191

*This is nonsense. People who don't drive don't go everywhere by donkey and cart. We take public transport, trains, cycle, walk, and get a taxi or hire a person-with-a-van if we want to move heavy furniture. As I said, I find it infantilising and unattractive when someone is totally helpless without their own personal private vehicle. It's like they can't navigate the world without one.*

A household with no car/driver at all is VERY different to a household where all the burden is put onto one person.

If I didn't drive, I'd have been happy with a non driving partner, as we'd both live a "no car" life, i.e. live/work on bus routes, enjoy non driving hobbies, holidays, etc.

But when one person drives and the other doesn't, you end up with a "driving" lifestyle where the burden is one person only.

But the driving person isn't obliged always to drive everywhere.

It's just as I said above - some people who drive don't seem to be able to navigate the world without their car. (Some people can - it isn't inevitable.)

Ozzie9523 · 04/03/2021 12:28

No way, deal breaker for me.

IntermittentParps · 04/03/2021 12:28

Again, that depends on location. If you lived in a small town or village with useless public transport and no local amenities, then it would probably mean you had dropped out of society in that locality!

Eh? is there no 'society' in a small town or village? Might someone not walk/cycle/sometimes travel in a car with someone else driving? (Yes, I know MN hates the very suggestion of a non-driver having the temerity to sit in someone else's car).

MessagesKeepGettingClearer · 04/03/2021 12:31

@ArcheryAnnie

I don't think you're considering the drivers viewpoint. Having to time outings around public transport. Having to book activities that are within public transport (OP lives rurally). Having to plan everything and have far less opportunity for spontaneity.

Then there's the inevitable, when living together it will be easier to drive than both get public transport - so guess who'll have to do that everytime.

Then if they have kids, who'll have to do all the leg work? Because you can't ask school, swimming or ballet to work around your bus times.

If you live in a big city, fair enough. But if you live in a town, village etc it's just not ideal and requires a lot of compromise from the other person, which imo isn't fair. Not when the other person can learn to drive, even if they don't buy a car, just to split the driving and increase the families options for transport.

altiara · 04/03/2021 12:33

I wouldn’t judge anyone on lack of driving license. I think the not having his own place is a bit odd, BUT until you get to know them a bit more you won’t find out ..... progressive eye disorder or lost licence, looking for a new job so waiting before moving to a new area with better transport links.

Tbh depends what you want from your dates.

WhoStoleMyCheese · 04/03/2021 12:34

@ArcheryAnnie surely it depends on where you live?
In my area buses/trains are infrequent, late, etc. even getting a taxi takes 20 mins and is expensive. I currently rely on public transport and waste a lot of time waiting around... time I would never get back.
In my situation I would absolutely be out off by someone who couldn’t be bothered learning because it means they they a) don’t get out much or b) have a lot of time to waste waiting around for public transport. They probably have a less busy lifestyle and so wouldn’t be compatible with me.
I judge people’s non driving ability only in comparison to my context. Not in general

Ilovegreentomatoes · 04/03/2021 12:35

I'm a non driver but am more than capable in my everyday life.I find the discrimination against non drivers on here and the notion that we are apparently drop outs of society because we don't drive disgusting.
In the real world (Not mumsnet world where everyone earns 50k +) not everyone can afford to run and maintain a car let alone afford to learn what part of that do ppl not understand?
Would you prefer every adult in the uk to drive? How would that be for traffic or parking? Or would you like the clearly unsafe drivers to be out on the road just so they are a proper adult in your eyes?.

Cosmos45 · 04/03/2021 12:36

My friends husband does not drive and they have two children. I honestly do find it very strange. Any emergency, any issue or problem she has to drive. She also has to (or rather does) drive him places at the weekend, so will get up on a Sunday morning and bundle everyone in the car to take him to play golf and then go and collect him. This would be a real turn off for me personally.

Ilovegreentomatoes · 04/03/2021 12:37

And whilst out and about I see so many drivers that are not safe to even be on the road but again maybe they feel pressured to keep driving even though they are a danger on the roads.

2bazookas · 04/03/2021 12:38

Why not meet him and find out if you get on? Isn't that the point of dating? Arrange a date without your car.

Is it remotely possible that you too are not his 100% ideal dating material? My advice is, look for someone who willing to accept your own teensy faults.

OneForTheJourney · 04/03/2021 12:38

Depends...
What's the distance between where you both live?
Where does he work?
How does he get around?
Would he expect you to pick him up/drop him off? Etc

Pepperminttea16 · 04/03/2021 12:38

I would be out off. For the first year or so of our relationship my DP didn’t have a car even though he had a license. I felt like his mum driving us everywhere all the time and that was only temporary.