To be put off dating a man who doesn’t drive

[TrunkintheJunk]

Recently started online dating. Been talking to someone who seems really nice. We’re arranging to go for a walk somewhere next week.
Thing is, he doesn’t drive. He’s 39 but just ‘never got around to learning’.
Am I a dick for being put off by this??

I don't see what's wrong with expecting your partner to drive you places. It's only wrong if you never do anything for them. In real life partners adapt to each other's strengths and weaknesses.
I can drive and will do if I absolutely have to, but I hate it and am not very good at it. My husband doesn't think this is some great moral failing and is quite happy to take me wherever I want to go. I will also do things for my husband that he hates doing and I'm less fussed about. Give and take isn't it?

And it's common for such couples to rely on taxis and public transport for all these things when the driver is available because they absolutely wouldn't dream of ever expecting the driver to do any driving that benefits them?

Sounds like even more of a reason not to date a non driver. What a weird set up.

So you disapprove of non-drivers who get their partners to pick them up from the airport, and you also disapprove of non-drivers who don't get their partners to pick them up from the airport?

And yes, I pay taxi drivers to drive for me. In the same way that I (indirectly) pay the pilot to fly the plane for me. Presume you fly yourself to places, good for you.

"I think it's poor to expect your partner to do all this driving for you."
"I don't expect my partner to do any driving for me."
"How can you not expect your partner to do any driving for you? That's weird!"

okay...

So you disapprove of non-drivers who get their partners to pick them up from the airport, and you also disapprove of non-drivers who don't get their partners to pick them up from the airport?

I think it is weird to be in a relationship where one person drives, one doesn't, and the non driver never ever benefits, or expects to benefit, from the driving. So weird, in fact, that I do not believe anyone is in one, or at least not in one that is normal and caring and loving in every other way.

Yes, I know you deny it. But you also think it's "odd" and illogical to want to split the life driving load where possible.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I don't see what's wrong with expecting your partner to drive you places. It's only wrong if you never do anything for them. In real life partners adapt to each other's strengths and weaknesses. I can drive and will do if I absolutely have to, but I hate it and am not very good at it. My husband doesn't think this is some great moral failing and is quite happy to take me wherever I want to go. I will also do things for my husband that he hates doing and I'm less fussed about. Give and take isn't it?

I can see this, but I'm really thinking more of people who absolutely insist that even though they don't drive and their partners do, they never, ever, ever get any benefit from their partners driving nor ever expect to get any such benefit. They live their lives together and the driver's skills make literally no difference to them at all.

Really?

I think it is weird to be in a relationship where one person drives, one doesn't, and the non driver never ever benefits, or expects to benefit, from the driving. So weird, in fact, that I do not believe anyone is in one, or at least not in one that is normal and caring and loving in every other way.

People live different lives to you. Sometimes, those lives involve not relying on cars. You can find that as 'weird' as you like, but it is nevertheless true.

But you also think it's "odd" and illogical to want to split the life driving load where possible.

No, I think it's 'odd' to be all up in arms about non-drivers 'expecting me to do all the driving', when plenty of non-drivers expect their partners to do less of 'the driving' than you expect yours to do.

If driving is that much of a hellish chore for you, why not rearrange your life in a way that requires less of it? Totally possible. Many of us have, either through choice or through necessity. 'Weird' though it may be to you!

Also, I think it's deeply strange to get so angry and personally offended at non-drivers to the point of accusing us of not only sponging off our partners but lying about it to you. Why?

I got rid of my car. Work and a railway station with a good service are only a couple of miles away so I cycle instead. There's also a frequent bus route nearby. No, I don't live in London (or in any city). I don't spend my life badgering other people for lifts, I'm perfectly independent.

I think it's 'odd' to be all up in arms about non-drivers 'expecting me to do all the driving', when plenty of non-drivers expect their partners to do less of 'the driving' than you expect yours to do.

Up in arms?

Once again:

• The difference between sharing a load and having to do it all yourself when it isn't necessary. Might not bother you - as a non driver you will never be tested on this - but it really isn't odd or a failure of logic.

• The insistence that your partner's driving skills will never, ever bring you any benefits and nor would you ever expect them to. Absolutely no difference to your shared life together. Ever. Never gives you a lift. Never takes the kids anywhere. Never uses the car to do shopping. Never picks up relatives from the airport. I don't believe this. Sorry.

@GoldenOmber

So you think the non-drivers should be left behind in the hotel? Or should they benefit from being chauffered around?

How do you think non-drivers usually manage on our holidays? Do you think we all sit around staring mournfully out of the hotel window hoping a handsome driver will come along and save us? Do you think we don't go on holidays at all?

Once again, I really honestly genuinely do not care where and how you choose to go on holiday. But it is still both odd and darkly amusing to see the same people who would like a partner to drive them around some of the time, being scathing and sneering about non-drivers because they're convinced that any non-driver would "expect me to chauffeur them around".

I think I've been on quite a few holidays with groups of people where the non-drivers have relied upon others to drive them around.

The insistence that your partner's driving skills will never, ever bring you any benefits and nor would you ever expect them to. Absolutely no difference to your shared life together. Ever. Never gives you a lift. Never takes the kids anywhere. Never uses the car to do shopping. Never picks up relatives from the airport. I don't believe this. Sorry.

No, never gives me a lift in the car that he does not own. Never drives the kids anywhere in said non-existent car. Does not do shopping in it either. Relatives are grown-ups who are capable of getting themselves home from their airport. Again, and I think this is about the third time I've said this, my DH can drive but does not own a car .

Is it that hard for you to believe that there are households who don't own cars? Honestly?

I think it is weird to be in a relationship where one person drives, one doesn't, and the non driver never ever benefits, or expects to benefit, from the driving. So weird, in fact, that I do not believe anyone is in one, or at least not in one that is normal and caring and loving in every other way.
I agree, its ridiculous to claim the non driver doesn't benefit. So you've both going out somewhere together, the driver drives there and the non driver goes on the bus? Bollocks they do.

Is he epileptic, has a heart condition, suffered episodes of syncope?

It'd be a total no for me. Very unattractive. You'd be ferrying him around for any trips or weekends away.
Only way I'd say yes was if he had a full time chauffeur.

If you don’t drive then YABU

if you do drive then YANBU

I agree it’s really off putting and I’ve also been in the same position and I ended up not even bothering with the date

Odds are if he’s not learnt yet he will never learn

I’d probably explore why he hasn’t learnt to drive. Is there a medical reason? Etc

If it’s just because ‘he never got round to it’ or ‘it never interested him’ then I’d absolutely not bother. If he doesn’t have the motivation to be independent then it would be a problem for me

Wow. What a response. If he had his own place and didn’t drive, I think I’d feel differently.

Taxis require drivers too, incidentally. Someone is having to drive...

Yep. It's a service you pay for.
Like we pay for services for things that we can't do every day.
Do you think someone who calls an electrician when they have an electrical fault is lacking in some fundamental human characteristic?
In fact we pay for other people to do things for us that we can do ourselves for convenience or "an experience", like going out for a meal, getting a takeaway, getting something delivered.

I'd be a bit embarrassed expecting relatives to pick me up from the airport at 4am myself. But maybe if you live very very rurally and taxis won't take you there without an arm and a leg in fares, it's a different calculation.

@TrunkintheJunk

Wow. What a response. If he had his own place and didn’t drive, I think I’d feel differently.

What would bother me was the combination of 'does not drive' and 'has chosen to move in with relatives in a location that doesn't lend itself to non-driving, rather than get own place'. That plus the idea that he's just out of a serious relationship and hasn't got his life together yet would be a big nope.

It became a big issue in my first marriage. I'd be put off too. Sorry if that offends anyone but having been the only driver for 10 years it led to a lot of resentment on my part

My brother's 36 and doesn't drive because he's always lived in cities and either walks or cycles everywhere. That I know, it's never caused him an issue in getting a girlfriend. It does piss my sister and I off whenever we want to get smashed and have him take his turn as designated driver, though!

Do you think someone who calls an electrician when they have an electrical fault is lacking in some fundamental human characteristic?

No, but I'd think they were an idiot if they insisted that electricity wasn't a normal modern life requirement and they could get by absolutely fine without it, and never ever had to call upon someone else to make it happen.

It's the combination of factors that don't make him sound a great catch ... only five months out of a relationship, living with relatives and not driving (but living somewhere that sounds fairly rural) because 'he never got round to it' . .... does he have DC? Does he work?

Non-drivers are not saying driving isn't a normal modern life requirement.

It's just not a requirement that every single individual adult needs for a normal modern life. It may make some things easier if I could, just like if I could do my own electrical safety assessments and work, but I can happily exist without having legally having the ability to do so myself just like I can't legally do a lot of electrical work.

You will end up in situations where everything falls to you. You are having a night in (obviously at your house) and he is relaxing having a beer but you can't join in yet because you need to pop out for the takeaway because it is easy for you as you have a car. You want to go to a country pub because they have a lovely beer garden, you will be driving. That will be during early dating, imagine this on a regular basis if you keep seeing each other.

It just depends on how much of a problem that is for you.