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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off dating a man who doesn’t drive

759 replies

TrunkintheJunk · 03/03/2021 18:46

Recently started online dating. Been talking to someone who seems really nice. We’re arranging to go for a walk somewhere next week.
Thing is, he doesn’t drive. He’s 39 but just ‘never got around to learning’.
Am I a dick for being put off by this??

OP posts:
GoldenOmber · 04/03/2021 09:06

For the most part, the drivers on this thread are saying that they have gone through the expense, time and effort to learn to drive, and they are prepared to do half the work of driving as they share their lives with their partner. (It is tiring and time consuming.)

But it is tiring, time-consuming work that you have opted into. It is perfectly possible to live without driving or being driven by a partner at all. Fine if that’s how you choose to live, and there are plenty of partners who’ll share that view, but it’s still a choice. There isn’t a compulsory amount of ‘the driving’ that must be done in every relationship and should therefore be shared - you’re choosing to live in a way that necessitates it.

Like the posters who complained that if they went on driving holidays with a non-driving partner, they’d have to do all the driving. But... you’re choosing to go on driving holidays? And then wanting someone else to do half of the driving on them for you? Fine if that’s what you want, but it is a bit inconsistent to then complain that people who quite possibly don’t ever choose to go on driving holidays are the ones expecting to be driven around.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/03/2021 09:10

YANBU it shows a lack of maturity and responsibility in my eyes. Haha yeah worked from 16 - parenthood, lived away at Uni, lived alone, volunteer for MH charity working front line, married, 3 kids Inc a medically complex one and twins, run a home. But because I don't drive I'm clear an irresponsible repressed-child.

CookiesNow · 04/03/2021 09:11

I think it's unpleasantly aggressive and masculine for a woman to drive, which is why I never do. I've been told it's extremely attractive.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/03/2021 09:11

@Oooohbehave

It would put me off. It's a standard life skill, I bet he can't change a lightbulb or use a washing machine either. No thanks.
Jesus DH must love in perpetual darkness in footy clothes....
Seasidemumma77 · 04/03/2021 09:12

Wow some of the comments about non-drivers are so judgemental.

I manage my life perfectly well without a car.

Number3BigCupOfTea · 04/03/2021 09:13

@BareGrylls

To me it's akin to not being able to tie your own shoelaces.
I cannot believe some of the ridiculous self-important nonsense on this thread.

Are none of you aware of climate change. Do you think the world needs more drivers?

Some of you are giving yourselves a pat on the back for putting another car on the road. Well done. What an achievement.

Sparklingbrook · 04/03/2021 09:14

It would have definitely got very difficult not both being able to drive once we had two DC. When DC1 was born we had one car that DH went to work in and that was fine for a little while. If I needed the car I'd have to drop him in and pick him up.

But then weekend hobbies and clubs/birthday parties etc (especially junior footy) meant that both DC had to be somewhere at the same time, usually in the middle of nowhere at some muddy football ground every weekend.

If we couldn't drive I guess we'd have had to tell the DC some of this stuff wasn't possible, and they would have had different hobbies. Not sure.

TangerineGenie · 04/03/2021 09:14

Do people stop to think about how these sweeping judgements affect people who can't drive for medical reasons? Because it's not stamped to their forehead so you're making the judgment before you even know.

My OH has got a number of crappy comments about not driving over the years. They offend me equally because they're normally based on some shitty stereotype about driving and masculinity being somehow linked.

Sparklingbrook · 04/03/2021 09:15

@CookiesNow

I think it's unpleasantly aggressive and masculine for a woman to drive, which is why I never do. I've been told it's extremely attractive.
What is attractive?
SleepingStandingUp · 04/03/2021 09:15

To me it's akin to not being able to tie your own shoelaces that comment is Def a worse reflection on you than anyone who doesn't drive, you know that right?

Number3BigCupOfTea · 04/03/2021 09:16

@Seasidemumma77

Wow some of the comments about non-drivers are so judgemental.

I manage my life perfectly well without a car.

Same, it's surprising to read it isn't it?

In real life, if I ever need to explain why I don't have a car, I just say ''we live near bus routes and if we got a car, we'd be broke which wouldn't be fun'' and people nod and agree. Not that I need them to agree. I do what's right for us. But it is a bit shocking to read the ridiculous comments on this thread.

I am a single parent and I have to make choices. I often think will this (expenditure) have value in two/three/five years? I am saving, hoping to move closer towards the city!

Serendipity79 · 04/03/2021 09:16

If someone lives somewhere like London, and takes their holidays abroad, flying from Gatwick or Heathrow, then I could totally see why they wouldn't drive. What would be the point when public transports so good?

It would only be an issue for me if it came coupled with other expectations. There's a big difference IMO between someone who doesn't drive because its not an essential activity for them to run their life, and someone who doesn't drive because they expect other people to drive them around. It would become obvious pretty early on which type of person he is

Sparklingbrook · 04/03/2021 09:16

The shoelaces comment makes no sense whatsoever.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/03/2021 09:16

@CookiesNow

I think it's unpleasantly aggressive and masculine for a woman to drive, which is why I never do. I've been told it's extremely attractive.
I'm gonna go with 🤣🤣🤣 and assume you're being funny
Sparklingbrook · 04/03/2021 09:18

I am off to work soon. In my car, I will do my best not to be aggressive or masculine while driving. I will drive like a sensitive woman. Grin

CustardCreamm · 04/03/2021 09:23

Sounds shallow but yes this would put me off.

GoldenOmber · 04/03/2021 09:27

@TangerineGenie

Do people stop to think about how these sweeping judgements affect people who can't drive for medical reasons? Because it's not stamped to their forehead so you're making the judgment before you even know.

My OH has got a number of crappy comments about not driving over the years. They offend me equally because they're normally based on some shitty stereotype about driving and masculinity being somehow linked.

They don't, no. But they also think that anyone who couldn't drive for medical reasons would be telling them so immediately I imagine, because who wouldn't want to excuse such an obvious awful character flaw?

When I was doing online dating I didn't go out of my way to present my reasons for not driving (unless someone asked). Maybe I missed out on a couple of potential matches that way? But, if they thought non-drivers are helpless sponging incompetents, then I wouldn't want to go running after them going "but it's okay in my case, I've got a special medical reason!" anyway, how embarrassing.

8090sTv · 04/03/2021 09:29

I have my license and no car. I did find people thought it outside the norm when I dated but I had previouy lived in London so no need. I did stress I planned to get one.

I am 2 mins from a very well connected station. But say getting to countryside would be hard.

8090sTv · 04/03/2021 09:30

Also, I didnt mention it but the commuter train fare is so expensive, at the time I could not afford both.

ChelseeDagger · 04/03/2021 09:32

I have only once dated a man who could drive. A misogynistic arsehole with a saab 93 and a small cock.

DumplingsAndStew · 04/03/2021 09:38

Mumsnet hate non drivers, by the way, except those with health reasons, because Oh I don't mean you!

I would only be put off if it was to make a relationship logistically tricky.

randomsabreuse · 04/03/2021 09:43

I "needed" a car for my chosen lifestyle everywhere except London... Sold my car when I lived in London as it was cheaper to hire on the rare occasions I needed one. So having a license and the demonstrated willingness to hire a suitable car when useful (IKEA trips/UK holidays) would not be a deal breaker. Someone who lived in London and didn't have a driving license would not be a problem, same if they lived in the right parts of other cities (well connected or central).

However I needed my car for pretty well all of my temp jobs growing up and being tied to the (crappy infrequent) bus services would massively affect employability in a lot of the places I've lived since.

StCharlotte · 04/03/2021 09:44

Neither of us drove when we got together - mid 30s and we lived and worked in London.

Twenty years on I drive, DH still doesn't. Not a problem. We both walk to work and my car has done about 200 miles in the last year!

It would have been different if we'd had children.

GreenlandTheMovie · 04/03/2021 09:45

@GoldenOmber

For the most part, the drivers on this thread are saying that they have gone through the expense, time and effort to learn to drive, and they are prepared to do half the work of driving as they share their lives with their partner. (It is tiring and time consuming.)

But it is tiring, time-consuming work that you have opted into. It is perfectly possible to live without driving or being driven by a partner at all. Fine if that’s how you choose to live, and there are plenty of partners who’ll share that view, but it’s still a choice. There isn’t a compulsory amount of ‘the driving’ that must be done in every relationship and should therefore be shared - you’re choosing to live in a way that necessitates it.

Like the posters who complained that if they went on driving holidays with a non-driving partner, they’d have to do all the driving. But... you’re choosing to go on driving holidays? And then wanting someone else to do half of the driving on them for you? Fine if that’s what you want, but it is a bit inconsistent to then complain that people who quite possibly don’t ever choose to go on driving holidays are the ones expecting to be driven around.

Driving isn't "work", as you rightly say its optional.

And hiring a car on holiday, as many people do, doesn't turn it into a "driving holiday" either. Hiring a car to visit certain beauty spots inaccessible by public transport in eg Tenerife isn't exactly akin to driving Route 66 in America!

GoldenOmber · 04/03/2021 09:49

And hiring a car on holiday, as many people do, doesn't turn it into a "driving holiday" either. Hiring a car to visit certain beauty spots inaccessible by public transport in eg Tenerife isn't exactly akin to driving Route 66 in America!

Hire whatever cars you like on holiday, go wherever you like! All I'm saying is that it's a bit odd to see the combination of "I could never date a non-driver, they'd expect you to be their taxi service" with "I fully expect any partner I have to do a certain minimum amount of driving every year with me sat in the passenger seat."