To be put off dating a man who doesn’t drive

[TrunkintheJunk]

Recently started online dating. Been talking to someone who seems really nice. We’re arranging to go for a walk somewhere next week.
Thing is, he doesn’t drive. He’s 39 but just ‘never got around to learning’.
Am I a dick for being put off by this??

@ArcheryAnnie

And I find all this dependence on a car so infantilising. I'd be more put off trying to date anyone who was helpless to get around without their car.

In lots of places, not driving limits what you can do because of crap (or non existent) public transport. In our town we have a retail park and football stadium that's not served by public transport at all - simply not on any bus routes. A 2 mile hike to the nearest bust stop along a road without a pavement in some places! That's not "infantilising"!

Likewise we have a ferry terminal. Ferry comes in around midnight. Buses and trains have stopped by then. Foot passengers are absolutely stuffed and are often begging lorry and car drivers for lifts.

The priviledged are the ones living in cities with good public transport - I really don't think they comprehend life in smaller towns and villages, some which have no public transport before 7am or after 6pm, and nothing at all on Sundays!

I'd be put off too. Not because I'd think less of him, but because I'd hate to have to drive everywhere. Me and DP like going on days out (although I can't remember what one of those is right now!) all over the place, or weekends away, and it'd annoy me if I had to do all of the driving.

Unless you're living somewhere like London and have no plan to ever leave or travel, I don't see why you wouldn't learn to drive.

I'd be put off too. Let's say you end up with kids together. You will be the one ferrying everyone too and from the parties in the village halls each weekend, you'll be the one taking stuff to the dump, you'll be the one taking the car to be serviced/repaired, you'll be the one driving on holidays, you'll be the one doing the shopping, all while he snoozes, often literally.

Depends. I know several blokes who are 'good catches' in other ways who don't drive as they're London born and bred types.

If they lived anywhere else other than London it would be a deal breaker.

It would put me off but if they were prepared to learn then I'd be ok with it. I wouldn't put up with being the only driver indefinitely though so they'd have to learn before things were really serious.

It would put me off. It's a standard life skill, I bet he can't change a lightbulb or use a washing machine either. No thanks.

I'd be put off. My friend's OH doesn't drive and she's the one picking the kids up from parties late at night. No fun. TBH I was always the one taking the kids to parties but I was friends with the other mums so that part didn't bother me. Also my OH does alot of the shopping while I'm at work (he works from home) so it's a great help the he drives

Depends where you live/ lifestyle you lead.
Wouldn’t bother me, as live in London and tubes/ buses/ trains/ ubers/ walking/ Boris bikes are aplenty.
If however you are more rural and enjoy driving holidays/ weekend driving trips then yes it would make a difference.

Either way shouldn’t stop you from meeting him. It is still possible for him to take lessons and get a licence. So no, not a deal breaker for me.

I do think it’s funny so many people are saying they’d absolutely never date a non-driver because you’d be taxi-ing him around everywhere, and also because then they’d always have to do the driving when they went anywhere as a couple. Ah, so you do want someone to taxi you around, but only 50% of the time...

I never remotely cared whether men drove or not but I’d still probably be giving this one a miss, tbh. Hasn’t got life back together after a breakup = nope.

@GoldenOmber I wouldn’t be taxiing anyone around because I (like the vast majority of Londoners) use public transport/ ubers.

If however I lived rural and drove a lot to see friends/ family then yes I could see it making a difference.

@Oooohbehave

It would put me off. It's a standard life skill, I bet he can't change a lightbulb or use a washing machine either. No thanks.

What? So you think all non drivers can't do those things?

I married a man who couldn't drive. He learned to drive when I got pregnant. He grew up in Camden and didn't need a car. I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on him.

@LindaEllen

I'd be put off too. Not because I'd think less of him, but because I'd hate to have to drive everywhere. Me and DP like going on days out (although I can't remember what one of those is right now!) all over the place, or weekends away, and it'd annoy me if I had to do all of the driving.

Unless you're living somewhere like London and have no plan to ever leave or travel, I don't see why you wouldn't learn to drive.

I am single, can't drive and do plenty of travelling. Trains, taxis and planes get me there fine.

I think it shows a lack of independence, organisation and responsibility
It could be this but equally it could be that he knows he'd be a terrible driver and has come to the conclusion that it would be irresponsible to drive.
If he can get to work every day using public transport or hold down a job then he's unlikely to lack independence or organisation skills.
I can drive, but in all honesty I hate it and am not very good at it. I think I lack spatial awareness and sharp reactions. I'm glad my husband sees that I contribute to our lives in other ways and hasn't held it against me. Probably helps that we live within walking distance of some really nice restaurants and pubs!

All that said, I'd be judgy about him living with a family member long term as an adult unless he's studying or it's a proper plan to save some money for a deposit.

Ah, so you do want someone to taxiyouaround, but only 50% of the time..

This is a really weird way to look at sharing a load equally, when women are prepared to do half of it. You obviously think you've found some sort of "gotcha" moment but I'm blowed if I can work out what it is.

I think men are a lot more tolerant of women who can’t (or won’t) drive - seems to be a significant gendered element to this.

Anyway, give it a few more years and automated vehicles on the road, eventually there may come a time when being able to drive yourself is seen as a rather quaint niche skill, like being able to plough a field with a team of oxen!

it could be that he knows he'd be a terrible driver and has come to the conclusion that it would be irresponsibletodrive.

In which case I suppose I'd respect his altruistic desire to keep the road safe, but I wouldn't want him as my life partner.

@DrSbaitso

Ah, so you do want someone to taxiyouaround, but only 50% of the time..

This is a really weird way to look at sharing a load equally, when women are prepared to do half of it. You obviously think you've found some sort of "gotcha" moment but I'm blowed if I can work out what it is.

I’m saying that as a non-driver I’ve never once expected anyone to drive me anywhere. So I find it odd that plenty of drivers clearly do expect partners to do it - and then complain that non-drivers must be reliant on them as taxi services.

But, each to their own, you get to have whatever relationship setup you want.

I was with someone who didn't drive years ago, I ended up being like a taxi service. We always holidayed in the UK so muggins did the driving. If I asked for money towards fuel he'd get arsey and make me feel awkward. He then expected me to drive him to his parents every month (2 hrs each way). Got out of hand, it ended due to other issues but it contributed. I also find a man driving very sexy (especially reversing) so missed out on that too!

I would think twice about dating a man who couldn't drive, but only because it would indicate he doesn't share the same interests as me in other areas.

I spend most of my free time running and biking in the countryside, and most of the places I like to go simply aren't accessible by car. It's not a question of poor public transport; there's literally no public transport, so driving is essential. So if someone couldn't drive, that would say to me he'd never felt the need to learn... so therefore is most likely a city person, and probably not my type. I wouldn't rule him out altogether, but he wouldn't be first on the list IYSWIM.

I wish cars weren't essential but, if you like being out and about in the countryside, or live rurally, they are. I've attempted to get around the Lakes, the Dales and the Peaks by public transport before and, unless you want to be confined to the main tourist hubs it's just not possible, sadly.

I’m saying that as a non-driver I’ve never once expected anyone to drive me anywhere. So I find it odd that plenty of drivers clearly do expect partners to do it - and then complain that non-drivers must be reliant on them as taxi services.

For the most part, the drivers on this thread are saying that they have gone through the expense, time and effort to learn to drive, and they are prepared to do half the work of driving as they share their lives with their partner. (It is tiring and time consuming.) They are saying that they therefore feel it is unfair if their partner won't match their effort, because they are now taking on the entire burden of driving with no help when this isn't necessary because their partner could indeed learn. Drivers are able to return the favour.

You're conflating "expecting to be driven everywhere" with "expecting to share a load with someone who is presumably capable and not wanting to have the everliving piss taken". If you don't drive, nobody can take the piss or overburden you in this way...and that's part of the point.

I agree with MrsHunt. If it is symptomatic of a broader passivity, willingness to take responsibility etc then I'd be thinking twice (and more) about getting into a serious relationship with the guy. I know a few friends' DHs like this. Not fun when you're constantly the one organising, chivvying, doing, and you can end up feeling like you have an extra child.

unwillingness, that should say

YANBU. I bet he's never got around to learning because he's always had partners who drive.

He sounds like someone who has gotten by relying on women to provide him with things.

I once went on a date with a man who couldn't drive. We had known each other for a few years before the date. unfortunately he was a nervous passenger who constantly interfered and made comments about my driving and made sudden "sheesh" noises whenever another car came near. I think he was scared of motorways.

If that wasn't bad enough, he made a big point of telling me he would pay for the parking, as if it were some generous offer, then didn't have enough change, so I ended up paying for it anyway.

There was no romance and no second date!

YANBU it shows a lack of maturity and responsibility in my eyes.

I dated a guy once who was 36 and got taxis everywhere (refused to go on public transport) so I felt 'obliged' to pick him up/take him home. Especially over xmas when taxis cost more. So even though he wouldn't ask, there was an element of feeling guilty if I didn't offer.

My Mum was bemused that someone of his age, didn't drive. Couldn't understand it!